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A pager walks into a bar. The bartender says "What are you, more or less?"

You know the way out. Shoo!

i was going to tell a joke about svn, but i don't think anyone would git it.

"It has now been proven beyond a doubt that smoking is the major cause of statistics."
-Author Unknown

i might i use svn, I'm sure other people here do to...

do tell

lol, obviously you didn't git the joke.

Clearly he hub no sense of humour.

you don't need to use svn to git that...

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because they can't get their position and momentum correct at the same time.

Heisenberg got pulled over for speeding. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

The box said, "Requires Windows Vista or better," so I installed Linux.

lol i didn't notice the typo

i git it...

Your mana is so stupid, she thought she had to sell her bitcoin on mtgox, to buy a bitcoin t-shirt

You hear about that band 1023 megabytes? I heard they are having their first gig this weekend.

Overheard at the visitor center at Fermi Lab.

What's nu?
Not much! What's new with you?

And, on a slightly different tangent to satisfy the Furry Geeks.

What did one wildebeest say to the other wildebeest at an upscale lounge?
Around here, we're gnu.

And, for the Bitcoiner.

Roman walks into a bar and stops at a table where Tom, Zhou, Amir, Patrick, Donald, et al., are setting, and ask, "Now can I set at the adult table?"

Xαστoύκι στo σκoτάδι!

Ένας Έλληνας άνθρωπoς, ένας Aλβανός άνθρωπoς, μια σoυηδική κoρίτσι και ένα παλιό ιταλικό γυναίκα ταξιδεύoυν σε ένα τρένo πoυ μόλις εισήλθε ένα σκoτεινό τoύνελ. Ξαφνικά ακoύνε ένα δυνατό χαστoύκι, και όταν τo τρένo πρoκύπτει, η αλβανική άνθρωπoς έχει μια κόκκινη εκτύπωση χέρι στo μάγoυλό τoυ.
       Θα πρέπει να groped τη σoυηδική κoρίτσι, και αυτή τoν χαστoύκισε, η ιταλική γυναίκα σκέφτεται.
      Πρoσπάθησε να μoυ ψηλαφώ, αλλά fondled την γριά αντ 'αυτoύ, και αυτή τoν χαστoύκισε, η σoυηδική κoρίτσι απoφασίζει.
      O Έλληνας άνθρωπoς πρέπει να έχει groped την ξανθιά, και μoυ χαστoύκισε από ατύχημα, oι Aλβανoί καθoρίζει.
      Δεν μπoρώ να περιμένω για μια άλλη σήραγγα, η ελληνική άνθρωπoς σκέφτεται, ώστε να μπoρώ να σκαμπίλι ότι η αλβανική και πάλι!



.. oh wait! This isn't Greek jokes?

Here's a joke I made up myself in Abstract Algebra class one day:

"What are the chances a group is cyclic? One in Abelian."

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste. The official brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body. The GNU brewery is mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can, which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout. Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was discontinued in favor of a lager.
SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of stout or the sweetness of ale.

---

A.OUT(1)                  UNIX Programmer's Manual                   A.OUT(1)

NAME
a.out - print cryptic message

SYNOPSIS
a.out [ options ]

DESCRIPTION
A.out accepts any option passed to it, stalls for a few seconds, and then prints a cryptic message chosen from the list below. The message printed is determined by selecting a random number calculated from the time since midnight, July 16, 1974. Each of the messages has a different probability of appearing.

The messages are:

(75%)     memory fault. core dumped.

(24%)     bus error. core dumped.

(1%)      yo' mama. core dumped.

In more sophisticated implementations, a.out will stall for a period of time directly proportional to the complexity of the last program compiled. In some very sophisticated systems, a.out will print strings extracted from the calls to printf(2) in the last program compiled before it prints its message.

FILES
Last program compiled.

SEE ALSO
cc(1), lint(1), /etc/haltsys(8）

NOTES
A.out was originally implemented to prevent non-UNIX programmers from performing any useful work on a UNIX system. Towards this end, this manual page and any other information on this command should not be widely circulated.

BUGS
In very rare cases, a.out will actually execute the last program compiled. This is an intermittent bug.

                               20 December 1985                      A.OUT(1)

Hahaha!

Where did you get those Foxpup?

The Null Packet (https://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc6592)

Does Greek not have native words for "groped" and "fondled"?

I'd post my favorite UDP joke, but I don't know whether you guys would get it.

But the good thing about UDP jokes is that doesn't matter if we get them or not.

True Story:

A couple weeks ago I was talking with a co-worker who was retiring. Over the course of his career he has studied the catalytic properties of many transition metals, especially chromium, magnesium, iron, molybdenum, ruthenium, tungsten, rhenium and osmium. If you check the periodic table, these eight elements surround technetium. So he says to me "I've been studying all these elements as catalysts, and I think technetium must be the best catalyst for everything. In fact, that is why there is no naturally occurring technetium. The aliens took it all."

I try my best to make sure you get them, and that's all anyone can expect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc8s3LPehWM

But you tell them whether anyone is ready or not.

see that's why you should stick to a TCP/IP joke

ACK.

Good god. It really is a SYN to write such terrible jokes.

Responding to an ACK with a SYN shows no respect for the rules of protocol.

FIN.

That sounds like an extremely underdeveloped joke :P

Unix beer is from one of my fortune cookie files, don't know which one exactly.

a.out(1) is an actual man page created and installed by someone at Columbia University as a joke (and not to be confused with a.out(5), which is a more serious man page documenting the actual executable format). I have it installed on all my systems. It's still true after all these years.

Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing me story because people asked...
Wow... okay, i wasn't sure if i was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and i'm sleep deprived so i guess i'll just write it now and regret it in the morning...

First of all, just for some backround: My mom died when i was born, (she was actually really really hot, but this isn't about her. i guess that's messed up to say, but oh well) i actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he left me before i was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up i felt like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When i was about 17 or 18 i first noticed my sister was a hottie.
i don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that i accidentally found a video she made of herself. i knew she didn't make it for me, but i thought she was so beautiful that i watched it twice. (i probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time i found the video, all this crazy stuff went on and i had to leave home. (My dad's family who i was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. i never talk about it).

Sooo... i was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when i left home.
My friend and i went to go pick her up. When i saw her that day, after seeing the video, i have to be honest, i just wanted to have sex with her so badly. Looking back on it now, its pretty messed up, but i think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, i mean, it wasn't ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to my sister's friends, On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my sister, and i got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy, and even though she was my sister, i felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that i'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up i don't think, but i thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that i got really badly hurt in an accident. i was fucked up. i alsmost died. But when i was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started giving me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, i guess it was for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and i started to get really religious, so i tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time, like i was completely over her. But i have to say, about a year or so after all that stuff happened, we were out sailing (not like a date or
anything romantic like that), and she was wearing the sexiest bikini i've ever seen and it brought back all the old feelings. *sigh*

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before. i can't say i was suprised.
But even after she was hitting it up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and i were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. i think something might have happened, except i killed the mood when i told her that Darth Vader was our father and that i had to go face him...

Well thank you. I did, indeed, lol. Especially since I thought the big reveal would be that you are actually Chuck Palahniuk.

Java is a DSL for converting large XML files into stack traces.

Only for young boys.

I can surely relate, but instead of my sister, she was my grandmother.

All from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_joke

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?
Person 2: A log cabin.
Person 1: No, a houseboat; you forgot to add the C!


I got lost at integral.

Asperger jokes are geek^2 jokes.

This is the geekiest joke on the thread. And I actually laughed. Mostly.