Bitcoin Forum

To give out even more coins and for fun, I decided to make an additional giveaway style thread.

Instructions:

• Post your TDC address
• Post your favorite joke

Depending on how funny I think your joke is, I will send more or less TDC to your address (the funnier the joke, the more TDC you receive). The minimum a joke can receive is 2k but if I think it is really funny it could get a lot more. In addition, each week I will choose what I think is the funniest joke and it will receive 25k tradecoins.

Wallet can be downloaded at: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bxg44Xg62898UkIzbTRpOW9PZGs/edit?usp=sharing
ANN thread with information and giveaway locations: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=242857.0

Good luck :)

They were a lame, the deaf, the blind and bald begging. That I would get a policeman and deaf says:
- I hear footsteps.
The blind see and the lame to police runs away and why the bald tells the police:
- The deaf heard, the blind saw and the lame ran to my teased me.


GSvqwrTbWytBYfh48FBt8av7cYACGjfb6N

and this is a racist one.....


why black people only eat white chocolate?
- for not eating their fingers


sorry if anyone think this is not funny, its funny for me because im african american chilean chinesse from rapa nui

PS: I apologize if anyone is offended with that racist joke

Following the recent announcement that all available humor has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reactionhas occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters,, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, a majority of Senators and Representatives signed a letter to the President asking him to release some of the US strategic reserves of humor.
It is a little known fact, but the United States keeps a large reserve of humor, in a manner similar to that in which oil reserves are stored. Located in abandoned salt caves buried deep in Louisiana, the humor is stored for times of national emergency and general unhappiness.
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in a statement made during a press conference to announce the letter stated: "The American people have spoken. The vas majority of the comments we have all received have been from people who are tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again. Granted, there are some that are true classics, and one never grows tired of hearing them, but too many are marginal the first time one hears them, and they do not get any better with time. I would urge Mr Clinton to act swiftly, and to release some of the humor that has been stored away for years. It is in the best interest of the country to do so."
Providing counter point, alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, responded: "Few know this, but one of my duties as Fed chairman is to be the honorary Commissioner of Comedy. It is my belief that there is sufficient humor in the economy, and that an infusion of additional humor could lead to comedy inflation. currently, we now enjoy the lowest rate of comedy inflation in 30 years, and the Humor Retention Index HRI) is at the lowest that it has ever been. Just look at Al Gore. His hRI is so low that after he hears a joke, he forgets it before it reaches his brain. Releasing humor reserves at this time is ill-advised."
When asked for comment, Al Gore responded: "What's a joke? What's a brain?"
all of the arguments were made moot when it was reported by the FBI that the humor reserves had all disappeared. During an unrelated investigation, the FBI had received information that there might be an attempt made to obtain American humor by the Chinese, and when a check was made of the vaults, they were empty. Addressing a Senate Investigating Committee, Attorney General Janet Reno stated: "Our investigation initially centered on the Chinese government, but we quickly exhonorated them. Our investigation found that the humor in the strategic reserves had been secretly removed by President Clinton, and sold to the Indonesians. For a donation of $25,000 and a pair of jogging shoes, Indonesian nationals were given a night in the Lincoln bedroom and all of the humor that they could remember. Evidently, this went on for some time. We finally got a break when one of our agents made the connection with large numbers of laughing Indonesians found in the vicinity of the White house, not wearing shoes, and carrying armloads of towels monogrammed with 'LB'."
A white House spokesman read a statement from Mr Clinton. "I don't see anything illegal or improper about telling a few jokes to the gardner or cook. If he wants to give me the shoes off his feet, who am I to turn down a friendly gesture like that. And if that same cook or gardner wants to donate $25,000 to my campaign, he has every right to do so. As for the Lincoln bedroom, these people have to sleep somewhere, and the Lincoln bedroom is not for sale. However, renting it for the night is not out of the question."

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Inflation#ixzz2XSiPEIxq

1 million coins please too : GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

Awww only 1 k.

Hmm how about this one : A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Lmao, way to start it off.

I've a few.

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Satoshi is working in his basement when he hears a booming voice from above: "Satoshi, sell your BTC." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Satoshi, sell your BTC for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his BTC. The voice says ‘Satoshi, go to BitVegas." He asks why. "Satoshi, take the $3 million to BitVegas." He obeys, goes to the minecraft casino. Voice says, "Satoshi, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Satoshi, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Satoshi gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Satoshi, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Satoshi, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Satoshi shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Satoshi says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

GN2dBMnT6HVfwZX2ER73SwobEmxZpgiAgx

 ;D

nice jokes, keep em coming :D

Hehhe

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar

lol awesome. You deserve extra because it's a Satoshi joke

My friend just tried posting the funniest joke in the history of the universe, but he died from uncontrollable laughter.
Please donate so I can buy him a nice funeral : GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

how many times we can post jokes and receive reward?

a boy told another
-why are you crying?
, is that even come blood test
- You scared?
- If because my brother told me you pricked your finger with a needle
  to hear that the other began to mourn, the other says
-ah also come to a blood test
  the other responds
  -no, I am even urine test

http://25.media.tumblr.com/703635e2606a56635424a309a3186ad1/tumblr_moya54CHKD1s9y3qio1_1280.jpg


GSvqwrTbWytBYfh48FBt8av7cYACGjfb6N

well, I'd rather only once to spread the coins around. If you really want to post twice then I suppose that is alright but then I ask you to try to spread some of your coins around

STD Coin! :D

;D

Here is the Joke:
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

The Joke:

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
 ''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

sent; extra TDC for star trek/programming/element/math/generally nerdy jokes - the above one was pretty funny though

Yeah, I'm a nerd :D

Here is one more:

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Eve looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children."

Eve, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless."


My wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Excellent joke; sent ;D

OK, one of my favorites

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, and then suddenly the most incredible piano music he's ever heard starts up. He looks around, but sees no piano, no speakers, no discernible source for the music.

Puzzled, he asks the barman, "Where is the music coming from?"

The barman answers, "Well I've got this little guy about one foot high, playing this little piano under the bar."

"No, seriously", says the guy, "where is it coming from?"

"Well, if you don't believe me, take a look and see for yourself", says the barman.

The guy gets up, walks around the bar and looks underneath. Sure enough, there's this tiny little man playing a tiny little piano. The little man waves and asks if he has any requests.

Amazed, he asks the barman, "Where in hell did you get that little guy?"

The barman answers, "Well, I was taking the trash out into the alley and saw this old dirty lamp. I rubbed the dirt off it, and suddenly this genie popped out and said 'I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only! So now I have this little man."

"Wow!", says the guy, "is that lamp still out there?"

"I guess so", says the barman, "go out and take a look."

The guy rushes out the back door and sure enough, there's this dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops the genie and says, "I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!"

Beside himself with excitement, the guy yells, "I want a million bucks!"

The next instant the alley is filled with a million quacking ducks.

Disgusted, he walks back into the bar and says to the barman, "Man, this genie of yours has a real problem with his hearing!"

"No kidding", says the barman, "did you really think I asked him for a 12-inch pianist?"


TRC: 1E2Ef9CVragq9xsVYa8eNU4EeCstgWSaT9

nice ;)

Please post a TDC address to receive payment

one for Luke Jr

Q: Whats the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne waits until you're 14 to cum on you're face


GdYYBnDeoqvVguFPHM8sbfPMhTd7ZzTPCz

sent; I wasn't joking about the nerdy jokes you know :)

thx :)

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.  

:D

GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

sent

What is the opposite of progress? Congress
What did Steve jobs say right before he died? iDead

These ones are inappropriate:
What is the same about McDonalds and Michael Jackson? They both stick meat between 12 year old buns.
Why does Michael Jackson like Walmart so much? Boys pants half off.

Hopefully you got a good laugh

GLsFAhtbZohEFSXFkGbkrgK6DNrSwFB3xK

thanks. Here's another one that cracked me up :

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

oops!!!

Here we go.

TDC:  GPWVY4TKFgqvC5KaVhw3Y27ewSgsLfWM82

sent :)

''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

sent a bit more

Guess you didnt like that one :) hmmm lets see if i can do better. I started a little give away of my own btw

Well.... if this one won't make me rich i don't know what will !!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

Oh you have your own giveaway? I liked your jokes, I just didn't want to give away too much to one person in the interests of spreading it around. Sent a good bit more this time :D

thanks ;)

It is the year 2087.  The US have finally finished designing a super intelligent computer that can deal with any problem.  
Military leaders are huddles around the new machine.
They describe the latest happenings and the strategic plans they engineered in order to beat the enemy.

They ask the computer "Shall we attack now? Or retreat?"

The computer computes for the next day and a half and comes up the answer.  "Yes!"

"Yes, WHAT?" asks what of the generals, stupefied.  

After another half a day, the computer replies, "Yes, Sir!"

GNAWcBDjDwXTLGpmLmJ99uMmCAqnJ8P6jH

thats excellent ;D ;D

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just redefine "darkness" as they new industry standard.

lol

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

GdcEKnhdmSxd3ocMSC2Z22Ebdy7EgMbHSo

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

Wallet: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

GV12PwPT66YZJyGidPLmvzX5gJ7YRZZ9rj
http://t.qkme.me/3tmyz7.jpg
http://t.qkme.me/3t00nn.jpg
http://militantlibertarian.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/SageAdvice-300x294.jpg

Im not one of those guys that has an arsenal of good jokes at bay. But Tradecoin seems intriguing & what better way to start my holdings.

Tradecoin seems to represent "making something better", thinking outside the box in which relates to my joke in which I modified. Did  I loose anyone yet?  ;D

Q: How many BTC traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before Mt Gox gets ddosed.

 ::)


GN7Y2aEVPQwgxxWqtQtx9AjP6WMcyQCF15

Will look forward to future developments on this cryptocurrency. Cheers...

GcSHckLNayBi3jsukP4dN7HrCFtjaztigQ

Somewhere, a kid got bored and asked his dad to tell him a story or joke.

Dad: Ok, there were a father and a kid, the kid got bored and ...
Kid: I've heard that before. I want something star trek/programming/element/math/generally nerdy themed.
Dad: Ok, a kid, in the living quarters of Enterprise, got bored with fixing the mathematics in his water simulation program and asked his father to tell ...
Kid: >:(

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.



GJzxFnyivFqCN3FiNimeBo6LW8zwhPzVRG

GZskhqjaQ8EZzmfJJJSPJVuGmJ5c26jRq5

thanks.

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.
"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."
The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.
The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused."

GcaraDqCUQC4T8PNK9oCj2tzxcej4yyMBR

http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/9094/xlnz.jpg

One Hell of a Headache


Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his
late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and
went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have
a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to
press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one
hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to
answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the
knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need a new suit." Steve entered
the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see ... size 44 long."

Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?"

Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve
and 16 and a half neck."

Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see...
9-1/2 E."

Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked
comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new
underwear?"

Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said,
"Let's see size 36."

Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since
I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32.
A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

donate : GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP
thanks

Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A: A whopper with cheese :)


GSo99Jf9NEi1Xm2K2HUBDo1t8pMkV6iKxY

Q: Why is a lion called "lion"?
A: Because it likes lion in the sun.

GMfkdqehSh9JQTyhzcMWELii2ABKGZs7EC

this one is so bad and unfunny, you should donate 2k in order to stay in this contest. :D

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought,
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read,"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.  When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons
are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!".


:)

Thanks


GRTAiCvQNPf7k8hyABQsSSNSCEN3LjCQ1g

At the restaurant, the waiter asks:
- "How did you find the meat sir ?"
- "By fluke, it was under the French fries !"

^^

GZDKKfN2pbdr8BhnJ2pfUbtz2rV7RBhsPk

An old one:

A native American chieftain is sitting in front of his tent when his minor son
comes to him with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, dad, why is my elder brother named Mighty Storm?"
He told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
He replied, "Well, your mother and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
The chieftain paused and asked his son, "Tell me, why do you asking all these things my son Torn Rubber?"


GbP2GDLdcv4AxW2MNbhSh8g9PHsjUEJvJZ

all sent :)

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their
town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something
before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now.They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"

donate:  GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

sent :D

How does a macho repair a lamp in the apartment?

Not a bit. Let the bitch wipe in the dark.


GTCU7i6r1rGXTasUDBB1nP2SsayjPoaTJq

Here's a bit of a funny experience I've had.
 :)

Tales of the ice cream man.

Back in my neighborhood, summertime playing basketball at the park was a fun time
as a youth.  We had a local ice cream man that would come by sometimes....

In a crazy ice cream truck this guy would cruise by the park and we would hear
the music and flag him down.  He yelled,

" hey there, love ice cream " ?

yes sure.

" well, ice cream don't love you !! "


lol. heheh


GJoiTaUrAmvqNukd3X7UWNtYBi2MjZPMFW

A woman heard a milk bath was good for your skin.
Next time the milk man stopped by she was sure to ask if he could bring enough next time for a bath.
"Would you prefer pasteurized?" He asked.
"No, just up to my knees is fine".

GZNP9QKMuGiDm6eoVrc1PGe3NLCevp9HFC

just testing the limits... I received 2700 - anyone got less than that? :-)

What does a macho say to HER after SHE sucks his dick?

"And ..., how was I?


Ok, that was a macho. But what does a super macho say when SHE sucks his dick but he doesn't get it up?

Does it happens to you frequently?




Is translated from german. hope it works.


GTCU7i6r1rGXTasUDBB1nP2SsayjPoaTJq

I haven't downloaded the tradecoin client, but when I do can I get some tradecoins?
Anyway, here's my joke:

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

How do you tell if a black bitch is pregnant?

 Stick a banana up her snatch, if it comes out half eaten, you know theres another monkey in there!

Yup, just post your address when you download it

oh and sent :)

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!


-----  GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

 ;D A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”  ;D

Here is my wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

sent

This topic is brilliant! Very creative way of donating!

Here's one I came up with myself:

A database visits the doctor. Doctor says: "I see what you're here for already; relational problems."

I don't have a TDC address so donate this one to yourself ^_^

NO JOKE

but i like TDC

GSgj3wWZHwCyVTU52czENFvVYjm33x4uyT

THS more  more more

I only said one sentence

Jim's nostrils large, because every day he was digging booger

GSgj3wWZHwCyVTU52czENFvVYjm33x4uyT

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass," he asked one man?
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house", instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" he answered. "Bring them as
well! " answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says," Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is
almost a foot high!"

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

all sent :)

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I cry when I cut an onion.

GeYRBZx8FytQWFWLpTNnDRB2SzGqv9Edx9

sent

I was gonna tell you a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen. But, NaH.

I tried to find a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

Chemistry jokes are Boron but physics jokes have potential.

So I told a chemistry joke in class one time, but I got no reaction.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium and you can't curium then you are going to have to barium.

A photon walks into an inn. The innkeeper asks, "Hey, do you need help with your luggage?" to which the proton responds, "No, it's okay. I'm travelling light."

I was once told that I should never trust an atom, because they make up everything.

So the past, the future, and the present all walked into a room at the same time. It was tense.

A Neutron walked into a bar and asked how much it was for a beer. The bartender replied, "Oh, for you sir, no charge"

I don't actually know any electricity jokes... isn't that shocking?

So a Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, and the priest asks "why are you here?" The Boson replies "You kiddin'? You can't have mass without me!"

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

You know, if Iron Man and the Silver Surfer team up, they would be Alloys...

GeYRBZx8FytQWFWLpTNnDRB2SzGqv9Edx9

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar.  The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink.  He replied, "I think not."  And he vanished.

The bartender asked Georg Ohm what had happened, but Ohm resisted giving any answer.

Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.

Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.

Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave.

But Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.

James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.

Charles Darwin refused to take a stand on the days events as he was waiting to see what would evolve.

Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.

Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.

Heisenberg, when asked his opinion, replied, "I can't be certain."

Einstein just shrugged and said, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there.  He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?"  Sagan replied, "No.  Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

GeYRBZx8FytQWFWLpTNnDRB2SzGqv9Edx9

Why did the chicken cross the road?

James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!
Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Counselor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Computer: Insufficient information.

GeYRBZx8FytQWFWLpTNnDRB2SzGqv9Edx9

How do men sort their lundry?

Two bundles: "dirty" and "dirty but wearable".




GbqeiycrNYrPa5Ep6fJ4n8aNJ39S2VwFB7

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

 "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

 "Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

 "Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

 "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

 "Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"


Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"


Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

if your friends say you cant fly tell them "flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss"


if you die in an elevator remember to push the Up button

GTzap25r4eQzRurppr7cGW2dxWEXXy5qwJ

all sent ;D

How can you recognize that women telling nonsense?



They move their lips.

Golf and Prayer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer.
She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.
The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife’s attention.
So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, “PENIS”.
His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***

Gcvu3116VLa16hwiX9MAAhtVu7c7EM4W6c

sent

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

New Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

Want to hear a joke about a vacuum?  Nevermind... It sucks...

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy.


Thanks, I'll be here all week.


GSCu17WR1aNzpw3HH2tZ2a8ctvFFPgtay3

all sent :D

A vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "‬Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?"

"Nope," ‬replied the farmer. "‬Did you fall off?"


GNxgr7HmBoUxm3JMBWUiGu8wKZyEsNYLFg

Blind Pilots

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle,
dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.
One has a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping
his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men
enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for
some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway,
and people at the windows realize that they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off,
that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin.
But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to
scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

Today's Joke:

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

My Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.

One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.

The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

 ;D  ;D  ;D

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

all sent :)

Hey I got a joke: Let's make an alt-coin with NO mining reward that no one's trading so there's no incentive to mine!

So, what's the deal with this coin anyway? No one's buying them, mining is so low it could be 51%'ed rather trivially, is it officially dead or is there a bigger plan that we're not being told?

GeYRBZx8FytQWFWLpTNnDRB2SzGqv9Edx9

You should really stick to the chemistry jokes; those were quite good: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=245003.msg2615374#msg2615374

Football

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quaraterback!" I'm like.....Helloooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Today's Joke:

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."

My Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Awww... Too soon....

Billy Goat

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't stop thinking I'm a goat!"

"I see. And how long have you had this problem?"

"Ever since I was a kid."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

sent

Today's Joke:

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"

God said, "1 million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, in a minute."

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

sent

Where's The Money ?

A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat, and then returns it to the rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi! This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse also comes in first.

Finally, at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him, and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool! Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

Damn i missed

A priest and a lawyer go golfing. The lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "If you say that one more time God will strike you down."
On the third hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" Suddenly a huge lightning bolt comes down from the sky and hits the priest. And then a big voice from above says, "DAMN IT, I MISSED!"

GcGu82eB8iRFWJV6UUfYZ2hYWVESEvQujh

all sent

Be Careful What You Believe

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?" "We'll see," said the bartender, "I've had alot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."

So the man pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano from his briefcase, and puts them on the bar. Then the hamster begins to play Chopin.

"Not bad," said the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Okay, hold on," says the man as he pulls out a frog from his briefcase. Suddenly the frog starts singing "My Way."

A patron nearby jumps up from his table and says, "That's amazing! I'll give you $1,000 right now for that frog!"

"Sold!" says the man, who exchanges the frog for the cash.

The bartender then says to the man, "You know, it's none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog."

"Not really," says the man, " the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

sent

oh and the 25000 reward for best joke this week goes to kevlar for https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=245003.msg2615374#msg2615374

*bows* Thank you very much! Received! :)

Mary Lou


He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he woke up, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called!!!"

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

What is the difference between a catholic priest and acne ?
Acne waits until you hit puberty before it comes on your face

:) I dont have a wallet so someone can have mah coins

sent

Patently Pertinacious

A duck walked into a general store, waddled up to the counter and asked, "Got any grapes?"

"No," said the clerk.

The following day the duck was back again. "Got any grapes?" he asked.

"No," said the clerk, becoming irritated.

The next day the duck came in again. "Got any grapes?"

"No!" yelled the clerk. "I've told you before, we don't have any grapes! I'm getting so fed up with all this that if you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm going to take a hammer and nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck came in again. "Got any nails?"

"No," replied the clerk.

"Good," said the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

Up Is Down And Down Is Up

A research scientist dropped a piece of buttered toast on the floor and was amazed to see that it landed butter-side up, thereby disproving the long-held theory that toast always lands butter-side down. Thinking that he might have made an important breakthrough that could lead to the rewriting of science textbooks, he took the slice of toast to a colleague for his observations.

"How could it be that when I dropped this slice of toast, it landed butter-side up when all previous knowledge suggests that the opposite should have occurred?"

"It's easy," said the colleague. "You must have buttered the wrong side."

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

all sent

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

 Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

 Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Today's Joke:

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

THE BEST DRUNK STORY

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......

'Grandpa.......Go home! You're drunk.'

 ;D ;D ;D

GRxgQNP3aeeWiu87JKgeyotvHSVmoza2sP

sent

Joke: This coin is a joke  :D  :D :D  :D :D :D

Better Late Than Never

Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the customers, including the accountants, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, the first accountant jams something into the second accountants hand. Without looking down, the second accountant whispers, "What is this?" To which the first accountant replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


 ;D ;D ;D


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(Memo to office staff)

Terrorist Warnings!!

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in our office.

Six of the seven have already been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin
Ass-Kissin have all been taken into custody.


At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found.. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doing.


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thanks

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.
 The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!



Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Today's Joke:

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

 The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”


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sent

So a man and his wife are in bed one night when he suggests they have sex.
The wife says "no, I have to go to the OBGYN tomorrow and want to be clean."
The husband rolls over in his bed distraught, but after a moment, he turns back
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

Give it to a charity.

Today's Joke:

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

Here is my wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Windows Pay

LAST YEAR I REPLACED ALL THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE, WITH THOSE EXPENSIVE DOUBLE-PANE ENERGY EFFICIENT KIND. BUT THIS WEEK I GOT A CALL FROM THE CONTRACTOR COMPLAINING THAT HIS WORK HAD BEEN COMPLETED A WHOLE YEAR AGO, AND I HAD YET TO PAY FOR THEM!

BOY OH BOY, DID WE GO AROUND! JUST BECAUSE I'M BLONDE DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM AUTOMATICALLY STUPID!

SO, I PROCEEDED TO TELL HIM JUST WHAT HIS FAST TALKING SALES GUY HAD TOLD ME LAST YEAR...THAT IN ONE YEAR THE WINDOWS WOULD PAY FOR THEMSELVES!

THERE WAS A SILENCE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SO I HUNG UP AND I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK.

 ;D ;D ;D

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https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BPjpJbyCQAIjoQZ.jpg


 ;D


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Thanks :)

What do you call a woman with one leg

Eileen (I lean)



What do you call a guy with a shovel in his hand

Doug



What do you call a guy in the middle of the ocean

Bob




What do you call a guy in the middle of the ocean with no arms and no legs

F@$ked (screwed)






luv short quick jokes  :D


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thanks

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
 as a Christmas gift...

 The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
 When she asked me why, I replied,
 "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 And that's how the fight started.....

 My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
 "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
 to pay me a compliment.'

 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 And then the fight started........

 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

 I bought her a bathroom scale.

 And then the fight started......

 My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
 reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
 drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 I asked her, "Do you know him?"
 "Yes", she sighed,
 "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
 right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
 hasn't been sober since."

 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
 celebrating that long?"

 And then the fight started...

 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
 'No,' she answered.
 I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 And then the fight started...

 I took my wife to a restaurant.

 The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 "Nah, she can order for herself."

 And then the fight started...



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THANK YOU!

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