http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/15/paying-for-a-dominatrix-sex-human-need-kinkAs a professional dominatrix, I'm often drenched by two firehoses of moral invective. One torrent comes from some fellow kinksters, saying that ours is an art to be practised for love, not money; moralists, who say that sex and fetish are unimportant and vulgar, point the other. I feel it is time to speak up about my work's necessity, and about its joy and beauty. Sex is a human need, and kink can be a meaningful part of the sexual spectrum. We sex workers turn the erotic into a humane and powerful art.
Not every sex worker chooses it; I'm fortunate to have freely and proudly decided to practise kink. Too many of us, particularly escorts, are miserable slaves, and we must fight tirelessly for their freedom. Nevertheless, I believe that the opportunity to pay legally for an encounter with an ethical, independent sex worker is a safe, essential way to help people meet their obligations and cope with a sexless life.
A few clients have shared stories that are no less sad for being ordinary. "S" lives with his estranged wife so he can preserve his Somerset farm for his sons; "M" arranges respite care for his mother when he comes, monthly, to see me. Each of my clients has a right to a private life, and to his choices and agency. And not all of my clients are cheats. Couples in an open marriage might prefer the emotional distance I can offer, rather than risking the potential complications of another relationship. A busy single person might prefer the simplicity of a professional encounter.
Then there's a certain type of unattached person who visits me. He is one of the many losers in the harsh, zero-sum game of dating that capitalism offers. Maybe he is too plain, or too fat, or simply too shy to find dates easily. Having a fetish, and an accompanying load of moralist shame, only makes his life harder.
For someone like him, I can sometimes offer a way out. If he comes to play with me, I won't shame him for his fetish or recoil from his body. I will gladly show him how his fetish – anything from the release offered by tight bondage to the exhilaration of being transformed into a beautiful woman – can be a blissful and intense experience to be treasured, instead of a source of shame. I truly enjoy the reactions of those I dominate, and when I play with a nervous or shy client, I make certain to share my genuine pleasure in our connection. For our few hours together, I make him comfortable in his own skin.
Many of the sadomasochistic arts become richer and deeper when two people play on an ongoing basis, and the majority of my work is with repeat clients. The intensity and connectedness brought about by our play can kindle a broader friendship. With them, the unique combination of distance and trust afforded by my position allows me to gently share a few home truths, and support them in addressing a case of bad breath or untreated social anxiety.
I'm proudest of the clients that I've brought from isolation and shame, to fully fledged membership in my local kink community. At this point, they sometimes graduate from being my clients, and I find myself overjoyed to see them on the arm – or over the knee – of a new partner. Perhaps, with each "graduate", I'm bringing us closer to a world where kink will be accepted, and, happily, my job has become obsolete.
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