We surprise him and tie him down, then we make our escape

Your probably doing it right since your recieving shares. You would have better luck mining litecoin or other new Crypto Coin

 am a long time lurker on the bitcoin forums and I would like to once again feel like I am a part of this community.

If this would work, Bitcoin would be dead already

Joining bitcointalk just to get a loan is not likely to succeed. You will be marked as a potential scammer