It started back in middle school. I used to get bullied alot by a group of "popular" kids. They would tease me about what I wore, how I acted, how I looked, etc etc. Getting called nicknames etc. I only had a few "friends" that I would talk to regularly. This lasted my entire middle school period.
Then I went to highschool, and I would get told I looked so "old", most people wouldn't talk to me, I had a few friends though who I would talk to sometimes, but never express my true self/always hide myself, because I was afraid they would also eventually think I was "old" and stop talking to me. I eventually started wearing makeup to cover up myself, the makeup obviously drew attention, and girls all of a sudden liked me, and guys wanted to be my friend. However, I used very thick makeup because I thought thinner ones wouldn't hide flaws on my face, I also started to put on eyeliner at that time, and that really got me weird looks as people thought I looked girlish with eyeliner And foundation. My mom had me do therapy, I went to 2 different therapists in total. My mom also found out I wore makeup, and was objective at first, but then I told her all that happened to me and bullied/looking old etc etc, and she allowed me to wear it for a while. That was until the rest of my family intervened, and eventually I stopped wearing foundation.
I left that school(the first highschool) I was going to, and stayed a few months out of school, then got transferred into another small school, I also was very very scared of what people would think etc. Even there I had some people talk behind me back and give me weird looks etc. I didn't trust anyone and went through immense stress. I started wearing eyeliner and believe it or not, lipgloss and blush, all to try and increase my physical attraction. For a time I thought I was attractive with those on, especially since girls would say I was "hot" etc. _______________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________
That all happened last year, fast forward one year, and I'm still feeling horribly insecure and because of past bullying, I also have this "fake superiority" complex, so if a girl looks at me as if she's attracted, I immediately ignore her, as I think once she gets to know me and starts talking to me, she'll not be attracted to me anymore. I made up my mind before to only get close to women in particular if they express a huge desire to be with me, aka they "obsess" over me, at least that shows they care and won't just leave me out of nowhere, other than that I don't show women any outward desire to want them or be with them, even though I do want to inside.
This year, I also found Bitcoin, and it helped me develop new ideals and goals in life such as making Bitcoin sites and getting involved with trading cryptocurrencies. I'm happy to say, if it weren't for Bitcoin, I wouldn't know what I'd be doing right now.
Thanks Satoshi Nakamoto.
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