You stated that I've good reason to ask and that my question isn't something a simple google search can answer or that the use of coinbase would simply solve.  However it baffles me that you then didn't answer my question.

Where are the ropes of the different exchanges?

For a long time now I've realized that Money, specifically USD, wasn't useful to purchase the things I wanted out of life.  I've found it more and more impractical to use as a means of exchange.

Are there simple methods to exchange USD for bitcoin that I'm just ignorant of?

It's been pointed out elsewhere on bitcointalk.org that regulatory systems like KYC and AML make "simple" use of money illegal.  I've faced problems with torn bills that are not redeemable and turning paychecks into cash taking 30min or more.

Does that sound right, does amassing USD ultimately limit one's future to a subset of possibilities allowed by regulation?

Hello,
  I've heard about localbitcoins and frankly it sounds alot like putting together a drug deal, I think you'd be dumb not to conceal and carry for a face to face exchange...  Just sayin.

  Baring that, what methods could someone from Minneapolis/Minnesota/USA employ to make an exchange for something like 1,000USD to bitcoin at a price below 422USD/BTC?

  Getting cash into an accepted payment network seems to be my biggest holdup.  I can do bank transfer, Visa "DEBIT", and mastercard, I can also do cash.  I can also get a money account at a place like Wal-Mart or corner bail bonds/check cashing outlet.

What payment network and exchange combination would work for me?