So all of this because some moron couldn't wait for his order to process.

Correction.  They don't allow their payment network for the purchases of coins where PayPal is paid with the expectation of digital currency in return.     They seem to be fine with the use of Bitcoin cash-out where PayPal is the payment network used for settlement of the cash-out transaction.

It is pretty easy for PayPal to verify which is occurring.  When Bitcoin cash-out is occurring, the person providing cash-out will mostly have a flow of funds that is in inflow of funds through bank transfers and an outflow to other individuals.  The PayPal account will generally maintain a sizable account balance and will be paying the PayPal fee (either Mass Pay or the normal 2.9% + $0.30 per trx).  There are few payments received from other PayPal users so this is an account with a low risk profile to PayPal.  These account usually have never filed a chargeback and have never had a chargeback filed against them.

When a party is instead accepting PayPal to sell bitcoin, the risk profile is nearly the opposite.   The flow of funds is mostly incoming from other PayPal users -- mostly using funds sent from a credit card.  The account quickly withdraws or spends the funds, thus there is a low balance in the account.  It doesn't take long for chargebacks to be filed against these accounts.

So PayPal allows one and freezes funds and closes the account for the other.