Here's a quiz for you!

A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left?

If you got 500, you're correct.

How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps.

If you got these steps, then you are correct:

1. Open the door

2. Put the elephant in the fridge

3. Close the door

Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge?

If you got these steps, then you are correct:

1. Open the door

2. Take out the elephant

3. Put the zebra in

4. Close the door

All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it?

The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge!

A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why?

The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering.

After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why?

The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."



The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

A death in the family
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Engineering in hell
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Lesson learned
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

I haven't been to Amsterdam, but just for you using google i managed to find few events for the New year's eve.
REAKTOR
Reaktor blasts into the New Year with two massive nights of cutting edge techno in Amsterdam's infamous warehouse Elementenstraat.
New Year's Eve line-up
STERAC aka Steve Rachmad
Function
Peter van Hoesen
Norman Nodge
Lucy
Dasha Rush
Rrose live
Abdulla Rashim & Acronym
Alex.Do
Ron Albrecht

The event starts at 20:00 and ends at 6:00 am. Here is the address Warehouse Elementenstraat, Elementenstraat 25,1014 AR AMSTERDAM.
The regular price is 32,50 euros

drum & bass XL NYE

Does what it says on the tin: A New Year's Eve bash with more jungle and drum 'n' bass tunes than you can shake a stick (or leg) at!
The regular price for this event is 20 euros and it will take place in Q-Factory, on Atlantisplein 1, 1093 NE AMSTERDAM


Bam Boe NYE

Dance your way into 2016 at the Sugarfactory this New Year's Eve as Robosonic and Philou Louzolo take to the decks for a very special edition of Bam Boe.
Line-up:
Robosonic
Philou Louzolo
Sova
Dubbs
Freddy
Wanderingbear

Ticket prices range from 25 to 35 euros. it will take place in Sugarfactory, on Lijnbaansgracht 238, 1017 PH AMSTERDAM

Secret Affair NYE, NYE Rendez-Vous
This New Year's Eve sees the BOX transform into the ultimate NYE secret playground.
With music from Dutch DJs mixed with top-notch entertainment and a glamourous crowd, Secret Affair will be a New Year's Eve in Amsterdam to remember. But shhhh, it's a secret...

DJ line-up:
Dyna / Gregor Salto / Benny Rodrigues / Mitchell Niemeyer / Michael Mendoza / Genairo Nvilla / Aaron Gill / Issy / Patrick Paul

The event starts at 21:00. The ticket prices range from 25 to 42.50 euros. The event is at The Box, on Mekongweg 5, 1043 AE AMSTERDAM

Nye Van Dyck Bar

Don your best black and gold attire and raise a glass of Champagne this 31 December as Leidseplein hotspot Van Dyck Bar celebrates the New Year in decadent style.

The event starts at 22:00 and ends at 5:00 am. Regular ticket price is 15 euros. The event takes place at Van Dyck Bar, on Korte Leidsedwarsstraat 28-32,
1017 RC AMSTERDAM

For your eyes only

A wild NYE party in the grand surroundings of the Barbizon Palace Hotel – the guests are kindly asked to be 'sexy, adventurous, over the top and extravagant'. It is unclear yet if Mr Bond will be attending, but it's probably best to have a dry Martini at hand, just in case.

The event starts at 22:00. The ticket price ranges from 50 up to 60 euros. It takes place at NH Barbizon Palace Hotel, on Prins Hendrikkade 59-72, 1012 AD AMSTERDAM

There are many more events taking place in Amsterdam for the New Year's eve. I managed to find these for you on iamsterdam.com. I hope my post will help you to find the best place for new year's eve and hope you will have a fun time )))

This should be a thread for jokes, right?
So here are a few:

A man walks up to a janitor and asks him, "Don't you ever get tired of cleaning."
The man, taken back, says, "Excuse me sir. I'll let you know I have children at Harvard, Yale, and MIT."
The other man replies, "Oh really? I'm sorry, what classes are they taking?"
The janitor replies, "Nah, they're janitors."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.
The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"
The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

There was an English man, and Irish man and a German man on a plane. There is too much cabin pressure, so the captain comes up to the English man and says: YOU, DROP AN ITEM. He chose a stone. There is still too much cabin pressure, so he parachutes out. When he lands, a man is crying. He asks the man what is wrong. The man says : WELL, I WAS OUT HERE POLISHING MY JAG, AND THIS STONE CAME FROM THE SKY AND DENTED THE BONNET.Back up on the plane, the Irish man drops an item. He drops a knife. He too has to parachute out. When he lands, a woman is crying. The woman tells him : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, AND THIS KNIFE FELL FROM THE SKY AND CUT MY PRIZE MELON IN HALF. Back up on the plane, the German drops an item. He drops a bomb. He too parachutes to the ground, but to the sound of utter laughter. He says : WHATS SO FUNNY?. man says : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, I FARTED AND NEXT DOORS HOUSE BLEW UP!

If I ever have to get another job, and I know I have to get fired that day, that day I'm going to go to work with a pocketful of glitter. And when my boss fires me, I'm going to be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Glitter?' And I'm going to throw it right in his face because you ever try to get glitter off before?

My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call from Hugh Broke. Minute later, my phone rings: 'We have a person-to-person call for Mr. Hugh Broke from Mr. Rob Bank.'

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let's get busy.”
She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.”
The husband replied, “Let the spirit f**k you. I just jacked off”

The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.

Well on my pc i spent around 2 or three hours, but on my smart phone i spent a lot more. I am online all the time until i ran out of battery and i can't recharge my phone. So in total with surfing and chatting on my smartphone i spent around 6-7 hours online.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."


DISARMING THE GUARD
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway."

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Captain America, Captain America(Winter soldier), Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, Total Recall, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Blade Runner, Idiocracy, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy --Next movie--

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” “I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!? The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”

Captain America, Captain America(Winter soldier), Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, Total Recall, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Blade Runner, Idiocracy, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan --Next movie--

Captain America, Captain America(Winter soldier), Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, Total Recall, Star Wars: The Force Awakens --Next movie--

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.