Thanks drgr33n, don't feel sorry for me though. I've definitely learned a lot about linux... how to do basic navigation, unzip tars, install libs, install OS's, use SSH, change the root PW, modify text files with pico, download with wget, etc. Very valuable, because now I feel like I can at least try to solve issues that come up.
And on that note, I installed Ubuntu, downloaded bitcoind, ran the 64-bit bitcoind, and just like that, it worked. I am happy.