I'd like to ask for some help.

[Matthew N. Wright]

As you know I've taken a leave from Bitcoin to focus on my life, and in doing so a lot of facts became clear to me about the last year of involvement in bitcoin. I wanted to share those with you and ask you for some advice as well.

The first thing I want to address is my work in the bitcoin community developing products, services and businesses with others. Being homeschooled and sheltered throughout my childhood, it had never occurred to me that I could truly just be one of the crowd, whether neutral or positive. I have always felt I was fighting against someone, somewhere to break free of something. This is what has given me such tremendous energy throughout my life and allowed me to always feel like I was racing someone to some goal. Throughout the year in bitcoin, I felt I was constantly in a race to create something no one else had created yet. It hadn't occurred to me to participate, ask questions, respect others for their knowledge, or even admit defeat on some topics. Looking back with a clear head, it is obvious I was interested in only three things: attention, get rich quick schemes, and entertaining myself. I may or may not have even suffered from aspergers (although I believe it was probably just social ignorance from working alone my whole life and never really being a part of anything until now).

I feel I have made some very trivial additions to the community, but most of them were "A for effort" types and I ended up with a negative sum. I'm certainly grateful for the experiences I have had though. I was completely unaware (and mostly still am) of any political, economical or philosophical ideas before coming here. I believe my biggest mistake was not taking time to learn the lessons that were right in front of me, and feeding the mentality that anyone who didn't automatically accept what I was doing must have been "wrong" and therefor not important. I've survived entirely on bitcoin for a whole year. I have been a part of some really interesting projects, and I've inspired a whole lot more. That said, I do not currently hold any stake in anything remotely interesting or useful to the bitcoin community as a whole, and that pains me when I look back at all the scattered efforts I mindlessly poured into project after ill-thought project. That is the first thing that has begun to change in my life. I am no longer looking for the hit-and-run get rich quick scheme, I am considering going to college and learning how to be better at the job that I enjoy doing, regardless of the pay involved, and am starting to realize the importance and international political implications of bitcoin.

That brings me to the next thing. My awareness of why bitcoin is so important and why it doesn't need any "clowns" like me. I cannot rightfully walk away from an event where I have caused damage and ignore it for the rest of my life. Nor can I rightfully explain it away or solve it easily. I won't lie, I've popped into reddit almost weekly to see what's been happening in bitcoin, and for once, when I wasn't doing the talking, it become clear why we actually need bitcoin in the first place. It gets a lot of flack for being a criminal currency, an "illegal" black market currency, and frankly I still wholeheartedly believe that SA goons have this community downpat as being one of the wackiest group of tinfoil spergers ever to exist, but that doesn't change the fact that bitcoin itself is amazing. And it hurts that I didn't realize that until after pulling a stunt that caused everyone to think I hate bitcoin and want to hurt it.

That brings me to the final point. I initially intended to teach the community a lesson about trust, I did not expect anyone to really take the bets and thus I did not expect to keep any profits. As the bets grew though, I was tempted with greed and I fell into a trap. I flipped back and forth between playing a prank (as it was intended) and actually trying to solve my financial situation (which was becoming dire). I did truly believe that Pirate was going to pay back and I fell for it. I also believe that I intended to pay anyone I lost when it was around 1000 BTC, but as I flip-flopped on my own reasoning and was enjoying the entertainment/trolling so much, I lost control and couldn't stop myself. The attention was just too entertaining and now I will go down in history as the retard who went full retard on the forums-- but I will not go down in history as the guy who ran away from his responsibilities. During the betting process, I hadn't considered people would actually lose money (I seldom plan ahead) and it hadn't occurred to me until shortly after the bet was over that I had actually cost people money/opportunity in large amounts. This depressed me a lot. I won't lie, I cried exactly once, but not at the lost money (I have never had much respect for money), but in reading the many people whom I never even knew knew I existed say so many things about how they actually liked me before I went insane. That killed.

I could easily disappear and continue working behind the scenes, but I don't think that's what I ever wanted, and it's not what anyone else deserves. I'd like to ask some advice on how to make things right. I'm not coming here to get sympathy, and I expect many people will want to start an argument with me, but I can't let it end like this. I obviously don't have millions of dollars in bitcoins to dish out, and I'm also not the inherently dishonest type to try and look for schemes to buy my own debt back at a reduced price. Basically, I just want to know what my options are. I'd like everyone who I have wronged to personally email me at jindq1@gmail.com and explain their story. I want to personally take care of my situation with that person and do my best to make things right, no matter how long it takes.

I know I said I was "leaving", and in a sense, I have. But 2013 is a year for work and self reflection, and I don't think ignoring people, running from problems and hiding behind trolling suits me anymore.

Please help me help myself, and let me start by making things right with those I have wronged.

M.

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[vampire]

Aha you're back! I doubt theymos would remove the tag.

[CaptChadd]

I always say that a reputation is very easy to create but very hard to change.

This could take a long time and you will have to except that people are going to be wary of you for a long time too.

[jwzguy]

Aha you're back! I doubt theymos would remove the tag.

Sure, if he pays up. If not, I'd say that constant reminder is quite appropriate.

[greyhawk]

[wachtwoord]

Trust comes by foot and leaves by horse.

[Third Way]

Why is this guy have a scamer tag?

What bets where you involved in?

Also, with that scammer tag, you're not going to get much sympathy here.

[greyhawk]

Why is this guy have a scamer tag?

What bets where you involved in?

Also, with that scammer tag, you're not going to get much sympathy here.

Dude lost a 100000$ US bet and ran claiming victory on a technicality. Also he tried to sell  his underage girlfriend here.

[Third Way]

Oh, wow, fuck this guy and his sob story.

[Matthew N. Wright]

Why is this guy have a scamer tag?

What bets where you involved in?

Also, with that scammer tag, you're not going to get much sympathy here.

I've been very well known in bitcoin as both a  troll and a developer and made a public stunt bet that something wasn't a ponzi that turned out to be a ponzi, but so many people had gotten involved into it that the heat normally intended for the ponzi operator came crashing on to me partially as well. Lots of anger. I was known as someone who was energetic, but I didn't know when to stop and went way too far into an area I had no experience in (finances) and it's something I want to correct. I'm here to try and make things right directly with the individuals whom I have wronged with my bad behavior.

[greyhawk]

Are you in rehab? I hope this sudden insight comes from rehab.

[tbcoin]

Is possible that at the end he did a favor to those who "lost" money because of his bet, since I think that the majority was for selling their shares in glbse to meet bet, then shortly after glbse died.

But make it clear that this guy dislike me

[jwzguy]

Is possible that at the end he did a favor to those who "lost" money because of his bet, since I think that the majority was for selling their shares in glbse to meet bet, then shortly after glbse died.

But make it clear that this guy dislike me

Quite the opposite, they were hedging by buying passthrough bonds and also betting. If anything, he influenced them to lose more. That's of course their own fault for trusting him as a longtime community member, but it doesn't make it any less of a scumbag move on his part.

[KWH]

At least give us something Dank to be amused over. Come on, do the Dank for the community.

[tbcoin]

Is possible that at the end he did a favor to those who "lost" money because of his bet, since I think that the majority was for selling their shares in glbse to meet bet, then shortly after glbse died.

But make it clear that this guy dislike me

Quite the opposite, they were hedging by buying passthrough bonds and also betting. If anything, he influenced them to lose more. That's of course their own fault for trusting him as a longtime community member, but it doesn't make it any less of a scumbag move on his part.

You're right and now I just realized that is MY CASE

[Matthew N. Wright]

But make it clear that this guy dislike me

All has been forgotten and forgiven. I don't hold any hostility towards anyone here any longer.

Are you in rehab? I hope this sudden insight comes from rehab.

I am in the process of rehabilitating, but not in the sense I think you mean (prison? hospital?), just months of hearing other people's points of view on life and realizing how blind, uneducated and self destructive I've been. As a result, I am finding it harder to argue my significance to myself (read: learning humility), but I posted here tonight to insure that that did not become an excuse for my previous actions.

Quite the opposite, they were hedging by buying passthrough bonds and also betting. If anything, he influenced them to lose more. That's of course their own fault for trusting him as a longtime community member, but it doesn't make it any less of a scumbag move on his part.

This is true. My original defensiveness held for a few weeks, but after that I could no longer deny to myself that I had caused real damage. The only question then was how to approach resolution. I knew I couldn't do that without changing my attitude and some of my personality in the process, so I began to read. In reading, I have come to understand a bit more about why bitcoin is useful, not just as a tool, but as a political wedge for the future. I have never believed the governments are inherently wrong, evil and against us, but the more I see corruption and deceit around me, and the more I stumble myself, the more I realize that man himself is fallible and the future of mankind should be one that relies on science, not emotions. Bitcoin, even if it is not perfect, is a great example of a proof of concept to use science to handle financial transactions. It doesn't fit currently popular ideals for economics, and it may never at that, but I would never be able to live with myself if I let a movement like bitcoin suffer because I was too embarrassed of my own mistakes. I don't want to be someone everyone depends on, I make mistakes. I want to be useful though, and I can't do that if I'm not learning and fixing my mistakes.

[Coinbuck @ BTCLot]

You own me a magazine Matthew ! Are you going to the Oprah show too ?

I hope you try to correct your actions and that you learn with the big mistake you did.

[theymos]

You should contact all of the people you owe money and renegotiate your debt with them. A lot of people would probably be willing to forgive your debt entirely or take only a small percentage.

[jcpham]

I would just like to acknowledge to MNW that I read this and also that I somehow feel sorry for you that you got involved in the internet relay chats over in #btcst so many moons ago. I never participated in any particular betting or forum conversations on this matter, but I'm very aware of it.

Let me summarize a very critical moment when "steamboat" a person or individual who was authenticated to IRC nickserv as pirateat40 said to MNW:

"OK MNW the time is up, now make a trade with me an unload all that debt. Let them blame it on me."

MNW replied no that it was his responsibility.

"steamboat" says something about how MNW doesn't want this responsibility it is too big.

I say something about how if MNW were to make this "debt swap" he would lose all credibility.

MNW agrees with me and proceeds down this path, decisively.

I forget the particulars on the dates but it happened like this and I witnessed the moment MNW could have walked away and blamed this on someone else easily and he did not, he accepted his fate at that very moment in time. This was at least a week before he was scammer-tagged.

I don't really condone any of it or have any association with Matthew, I just thought I'd share.

[Mushroomized]

I forget if you owe me money or not, do you?