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Author Topic: Essay: ASICS are Real  (Read 946 times)
faceman
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January 21, 2013, 02:34:18 AM
 #1

Essay: ASICS are real
By: Tom Peckelpent

This is the fifth essay. The muse is upon me!

From time immemorial, mothers told their daughters bedtime stories about ASIC units shipping in October. And a thousand daughters said "cool story mom". October became November. November became December. December became January. Days became hours. Hours became minutes. Minutes became seconds. People started asking for refunds. Tom and Jerry made friends. The cow's milk spoiled. Toast landed buttered side up. Becoin started whining about BTC exchange rates and people were just like wat. There were whispers of Witchcraft in the air. Then all at once, just when Khan was least expecting it, a group named AVALON shipped the first ASIC unit. And a thousand men said "Well done".

Yes, Virginia Wolf, ASICS are real. They're as real as it gets. As the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want" and super not if what you want is satisfaction. But in this case, we can get tangible satisfaction. We can get what we want. We can get an ASIC. And it only costs two month's pay to buy one. We can be da man. And Jeff Garzik will be the first man. The first man created by God. In a steaming hot soup of fire and brimstone and invented the elevator. And the ice cream cone.

But it was a long hard rocky road filled with speed bumps and hospital zones and explosions (yes, explosions) to get to this point. For many, the countdown felt like the watch stopped and had to be sent to the watch store for repair before it could continue. Three times. We had constant delays by Butterfly Labs. As well there is now konsiderable kontroversy (sources close to Fox news say) over whither they actually have a fab. That's fab one. Then there's the bASIC group, which maybe or maybe not has a fab. That's fab two. Don't forget ASIC MINER in China, who has working chips at this point. Let's call them fab three. And then, coming to us live from London is the fab four, AVALON. They're more popular than Jesus!

But let's face it, let's face it, what's the rage today? Mining with FPGA is all the rage. Everybody now is either mining with GPU or FPGA. I mean, half of rome is either cooking or puking. Cooking or puking! Ha! But you can't blame these people. You can't blame these people for wanting mine with ASIC. I mean, who wants to look at a big, fat power bill?

As a final thought, please walk and do not run to the AVALON ASIC order form. ASICS are finalité real. It's like Christmas in January. Or February. Or maybe early March. Unless you haven't ordered yet. Uh oh.

Does anyone have a pre order for sale? I'll pay double!

And the moral of the story is, some times people just get lucky.  Cry


If you enjoyed this essay please donate some bitcoins to me, Mr. Tom Peckelpent, at 1yGcq85LPT3EnUtTh1qRC6d48RmDxaJwB. You may check this address to see how much money this story has generated by visiting http://blockchain.info/address/1yGcq85LPT3EnUtTh1qRC6d48RmDxaJwB.
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January 21, 2013, 02:53:17 AM
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Another boring day in the newbie forums? Nice essay, I suppose, although it doesn't take into account all the problems that could arise still. Hell, the router that I have is running hardware 1.0c, which means that there this is the third version of this, and there were problems with the previous ones. And this is Netgear, which has been making this shit for years. Now we're expected to believe that some guys will get something that doesn't blow up on their first go? Perhaps, it's possible, with time and care and simulation you can be relatively certain...

But until I see a working ASIC hashing out at the promised speeds, I'm not convinced. It'll happen eventually, but will it happen soon?
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January 21, 2013, 08:00:55 PM
 #3

The Day My ASIC Arrived
by: littlebit

Quaking with near-unrestrained excitement, I clumsily fumbled with the task of opening the standard carboard postal box that had ended up on my doorstep. A box-cutter was employed, and while there was blood spilt in my greed-fueled anxiety to unbox and look upon my prize, to my credit I did not free myself of any digits.

Red smeared the styrofoam inserts used to keep the machine steady and well-insulated from damage during transit as I hastily tore them from either side. With ever-heightening ecstasy, I gazed down at the hard-angled metal machine I had looked forward to owning for so, so many a fortnight.

I was nearly too intoxicated with joy to get everything hooked up properly, but once I did, I sat back in my office chair and admired my handiwork. Smugly, I flipped a switch and the ASIC groaned to life, a whir of fans and various electrical hissing coming from somewhere else in my house. Nothing mattered anymore at that point. Nothing except mining.

Within minutes, my almost spiritually orgasmic state had come down as I realised there was a problem. An indicator was beeping, and a diagnostic was run at once. With bated breath, I waited until the horrible realisation dawned on me...

Without proper burn-in time, the chips had all experienced failure mere moments out of the box.

My dreams were crushed, my investment worthless - I had mortgaged my home for this, I had gone without giving my children gifts for Christmas in order to make this ASIC purchase happen. Would the vendor honour any sort of repair agreement? I was doubtful, and having experienced such an emotional high only to be brought down to rock bottom of despair so quickly, I did the only other thing I could think to do in that moment.

I drank myself into a stupor and wandered around the alleys of my city, whereupon I was able to procure a revolver from a private businessman, operating out the boot of his Vauxhall. For a brief moment as I handed over the dirty fiat in exchange for the pistol, I envied that fellow's entrepreneurial spirit. He clearly had a corner on the market, as firearms are notoriously difficult and illegal to obtain here. It really only served to further depress me, his mere existence took the piss out of my entire life's goal. As though he was mocking me, only he didn't know it.

Back home, I trudged into the cellar, locking myself in. Among my hoard of graphics cards and my useless ASIC box, I held the gun to my temple. Impotent rage turned to tears and I broke down blubbering uncontrollably, unable to finish what I had intended as my final solution; my life insurance benefits would give my family what they needed to be able to sustain their lives without me.

My wife and kids are knocking at the door right now, pleading for me to come out. They just don't understand that if I don't go through with this, we'll all be homeless in a matter of weeks. I just... can't let it come to that.
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January 21, 2013, 09:57:16 PM
 #4

Uh what's an ASIC
creativex
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January 21, 2013, 09:59:38 PM
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It's a mythical hashing device made from the blood of unicorns.

littlebit
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January 22, 2013, 02:39:39 AM
 #6

If you partake in an ASIC you will lead only a cursed, half life, so yeah pretty much the above.
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