Jokes and funny stories

[sensay]

10 REASONS YOU KNOW YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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[sensay]

SIGNS YOUR MATE IS HAVING CYBER SEX

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!

[sensay]

Q: How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?
A: It's not hard.

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on.

[sensay]

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."


Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"


Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.

[sensay]

Q: Why are constipated people so rude?
A: They don't give a crap.


A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!'''


A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

[mercy02]

In a village there was a lady in which three men wish to marry, the first man is a hunter, second one is a fisherman while the third one is a doctor,one day the lady went to the stream to fetch water but she was attacked by a crocodile 🐊.  The three men came around to rescue her,  the hunter shoot the crocodile while the fisherman carry the girl out of the stream and the other man who's the doctor treated her, so out of the three men who did you think the lady should marry

[Tenoriza]

Husband: "Hey my wife, how much do you love me? And what is the proof"?
Wife: "Very big, the proof is I will willingly do anything for your happiness"
Husband: "Sure, then I ask for something with you"
Wife: "What ?, my father's inheritance? I will give anything for you"
Husband: "I do not need inheritance, I just want to ask your permission"
Wife: "what permission"?
Husband: "I want to ask your permission so that I can marry again?
Wife: 😤😤😤😤

[edzleochico6]

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.