Going to copy-edit this. Your writing needs more work.
I Recommend this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Tony1/How_to_improve_your_writingAlso:
http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/style.htmlhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Writing_better_articlesYou sometimes sound a bit pretentious by using too many long words and over-expressive language. Instead try to find one strong image/analogy you want to express and write around that.
Another thing is you occasionally use words that are excess cruft and are not needed (they can be snipped without losing meaning from the original passages). Excess words = more for reader to digest + take in = takes away from understanding of words that matter = less strong atmosphere = story loses strength.
Golden Fall
Preface
The figure sat and sulked in his agony. His anguish only accented by the heavy creasing above his brow and the slouching demeanor he held in his desk chair; mumbling every few moments, venting his regret, just as a machine recedes to groans and creaks due to its long-term use -- only pointing towards eventual failure. The pain was excruciating. He was reaching his threshold--and a being as strong as he had quite a tolerance--but things have gone too far.
Sat sulking in his agony, anguish accented by a heavily creased brow and a slouched demeanor in the desk chair, X mumbled periodically. X vented regret. Groans and cycles as an old machine past it's glory days, ready to twilight into failure. Buckling pain! His pain threshold was nearly reached.
In a weave of ticks and convulsions, he swung himself among the knick-knacks and documents that lined his dark mahogany desk, strewing them in a helter-skelter of broken glass and papers across his office floor; throwing his large leather ottoman in an olympiadic fashion into the pitch darkness of his office corridor. He curled up in a fetal position and sulked in sullen agony.
Weaving with convulsions among the kick-knack packets and documents lining his thick mahogany desk, he threw everything in a helter-skelter at the floor in resignation. He sat first in the pitch black, then curled on his side sulking.
This figure's name is Emmerich Faultner. From the beginning of the early Y2K's, Faultner has been heavily invested in the rising crypto-commodity market. Due to his early adoption, Faultner has accumulated an exceptional wealth. However, tonight this has changed. Every crypto-based commodity has been made worthless by a few keystrokes of a rogue wolf, that has been sweeping the web with his new-found power in consumer-level quantum-computing technology. Mr. Faultner is only one of the many victims that had full confidence in this new agorist phenomenon -- these digital commodities.
Emmerich Faultner had invested heavily in the emerging cryptographic-commodity market from the early 2000s. As an early adopter, Faultner accumulated exceptional wealth. Tonight that changed. Crypto-commodities worldwide became worthless at a stroke by the hands of a rogue wolf utilising new consumer-grade quantum-computing. Faultner is one victim of hundreds that had given their entire confidence (and savings) to the recent agorist phenomenon of digital commodities.
