My physical experience about my culture.

[EluguHcman]

That is such a long process just to announce the death of someone before her people.
I am a Nigerian but we don't practice wich weird culture.
What may have been occurred if you have just went there direct and tell them their sister (your mom) is dead Instead of all that like drama just as said? Well traditions differs and does not want to find yours a mock.

RIP to your mom and may the Lord grant you all the wisdom and strengths to keep going and winning as she say... Goodbye to you all.

[franky1]

Above is my reply to your post and I believe that I also clarified the fact about my culture there, i wouldn't clarify again. I might lock this thread if there are more misconceptions about my culture, I say this with all due respect.

no...
it may sound like an experience YOU had.. correct
thus i might have a misconception of YOUR EXPERIENCE
but no, not a "nigerian culture" thing

from your own admissions of what is a tradition is

it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people

everything else does NOT sound like a tradition/cultural thing of nigerians as a whole(culture)

it sounds like a YOU problem where things went wrong, not a nigerian culture thing that went as it should

yes the family should have been informed she was sick .. that is a tradition.
so family can visit and say their goodbyes and sort out any grievances prior to death to allow the sick person to rest peacefully... that is a tradition
yes the family should have been informed she was dead as a second visit/announcement after the first .. that is a tradition.

but what YOU experienced, of all the stuff you said there after, doesnt sound like tradition. but instead a YOU problem of YOUR experience. not a experience all nigerians and whole nigerian cultures experience

anyway. hope you learn from your mistakes, but your story sounds nothing like stuff other nigerians talk of, of their experiences when relatives of theirs die, so not a cultural thing

its obvious what the tradition was (YOU inform them, not the uncles)

it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people

We went with drinks as tradition demands

its obvious you dont know of all traditions

I was born in the city and never physically experienced most of our cultures and traditions in the village.

its obvious some third person messed you up and caused you to lie

but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died.

that last quote is where things broke traditions and your story went in a different direction away from culture, which lead to all the drama and games and stuff of the uncles having to do some running around to be the ones to tell your aunts. because you didnt follow traditions and didnt want to have family resent you for:
not informing them when sick
not being able to have opportunity to visit and say goodbye
being the one giving the shocking advice

yep i think you didnt want to tell them so played around to get uncles to be the informer because you got scared and didnt want to tell them incase they took it out on you

again instead of doing tradition, YOUR personal experience was a story of drama, or deceit, of lying games so that you can escape any blame and push that onto other people

i do hope you learn from your mistakes but nigerians as a whole culture dont play these games you speak of

[letterman1]

Well, good luck to you!

[herzen888]

And where are you from? If it's not a secret.

[Gozie51]

I see there are much fuss about what op posted about his physical experience which is even shocking for him as a town boy (perhaps he had heard of such stories from other bereaved family friends from his village). Maybe the reason he said physical experience.

Culture and tradition are the way of life of a people, no matter how old it is, we can just say they are backward but not to push it off as misunderstanding something as lying. The uniqueness of a culture is the beauty of it.

The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

Hahaha @ franky1, those emissaries couldn't have gone to the hospital and return in 15 minutes with the message. It is a traditional obligation to be fulfilled by the husband people.

what are you on about 15mins..
no i am not talking about the uncles quickly arriving at hospital to witness the death then inform the family in some magical fantasy 15 minute story
im talking about the OP refusing to tell the family she died and instead lied to them, to get the family to find out for themselves by being sent to the hospital beleiving she was alive to be told she was dead by the nurses...
.. if they asked the nurses when the person died. they could have worked out the OP mother died long ago before they were told she was alive

if you read the OP story more articulately

Hahaha @ franky1, it is all about a people's traditional and believe system. It is not that the deceased family won't know that their sister was sick. They should know. In fact, from the op, it is a neighbouring village affair, so they would have exchanged such sick information at the market square (on a normal village, an homogeneous setting). The deceased family would have also been informed through phone call, and most likely some of her family members would have been with her at the hospital bed.

 So, it is not a ruse that the family of the deceased family will know about her illness and unfortunate death but from what the op said again, they were advised not to spill the beans as it is traditional for the deceased family to announce it themselves. When someone is sick, I don't think it is hidden, people go to visit them but it is a different thing when the person eventually gives up especially a woman with children (whether married or not). Then the traditional rites becomes operational

So we can adjudge it to be backward or not but not that OP lied to the deceased mother people, he just bowed to the pressure of his traditional to his dismay.

I mean, do we remember there was a time in Africa society when twin birth were seen as taboo? Then if you had a twin, you can be sure they will be murdered among the ethnic people of Igbo and Efik, who claimed it brought bad consequences and devastation to them. That obnoxious and barbaric practice was put to a stop by the advocacy of Scottish missionary, Mary Slessor, she adopted abandoned children and their mothers. Most of us would have heard of that story but if we have not, we can Google it. I didn't believe it myself because I can't imagine that to be true but it was a people's culture and their believe system at that time. There is culture change and acculturation.

[AVE5]

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

Africa has some culture that is interesting and sometimes funny. Due to the close ties African culture promotes, it is expected that your guys should have told your mother's relatives that your mother is sick. Maybe because they were not notified that your mother was sick, that was why you had to pretend that nothing happened. Telling them that your mother was dead without information that she was ill would have attracted a fine.

I agree with you. So because they don't their moms family relatives to question the sudden death of their sister as they were not earlier informed when she was sick, that's why the mothers children as the Op didn't make it known before them that the mom is dead.
But why in the first place did you guys didn't inform her immediate family when she was sick? Atleast a problem shared is a problem solved.
Who knows if the efforts they would had rendered may had kept her alive. Really a tragedy to the hearing of her families late awareness of their deceased sister.
Indeed a pity.

[Gozie51]

But why in the first place did you guys didn't inform her immediate family when she was sick? Atleast a problem shared is a problem solved.
Who knows if the efforts they would had rendered may had kept her alive. Really a tragedy to the hearing of her families late awareness of their deceased sister.
Indeed a pity.

Have you actually seen where someone is sick to the point of death that they won't inform the family? No I don't think so. The sick family must have known.  As far as human beings are concern, they have different kinds of culture that are peculiar to them, not practiced elsewhere. Meaning you have a culture too that you practice differently from other people.

I believe you know that there are some meat eaten in some places but they are forbidden in another place. Probably the reason the proverb "one man's meat is another man's poison". Tradition and culture are unique practice of certain people until it is diffused, acculturated and transformed.

[BADecker]

My physical experience about my culture.


What is the size of the Petri dish you have your culture in?

[Dunamisx]

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

There is nothing much of a cultural display here from the story, because they never acted funny even as you both informed them their sister is sick, yet they heard about the shocking news she's dead and still treated you well, they are not too tied to their own culture, because if they do, they will take you both to the shrine to swear an oath of knowing nothing about her death, some will even engage you on a physical fight together with the spiritual fight to ensure the retaliate on you back for killing their sister, you just have that luck they are not the kind with an horrible culture being practice.

[Justbillywitt]

(im british white, but visited many african villages)
seems the tradition(i might be wrong) is to keep family informed before death, so family can visit and adjust to the fate due to come, say their farewells and such.. hence why you feel guilty of not doing that and feared telling them shocking news of death, so you lied like an actor would.. because you didnt inform them during her last days/hours

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

I think the lie there is the point of the tradition. Maybe the children of their sister are not supposed to tell them that hey uncles, our mother your daughter is dead. The tradition is the children shouldn't mention it to the uncles. But the uncles on seeing the children come in that fashion knew that their daughter is dead. But as culture demands, they will inform their uncles that their mother mother is sick. Even though they knew it was lie that she's not in the sick bed. It's that necessary lie, and giving the uncles money to go see things for themselves is what makes the tradition interesting. He's just learning about the tradition for the very first time and it's strange to him.

[Frankolala]

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

Real life scenario is what they act in movies, if not it wouldn't be interesting and draw attention. I haven't heard of such, because I feel that the children of the deceased should be in the proper position to tell anyone that their dad/mom is late. I like your tradition, but it isn't straight forward because you guys could have just told them without stressing themselves.

[Zanab247]

That is culture and traditions for you, sometimes culture may look like movie in your eyes, but they are not movie which are culture of some villages to allow peace to rain among them. May her gentle soul rest in peace, please accept my condolences, I believe your mother family members like you for following the tradition because there are some children that will not follow the tradition and they are not afraid of what will happen next, and those traditions of a thing are very powerful in some society, which they will do everything possible to make their children to understand their culture and tradition.

In our culture, is when you loss your wife you have not paid her bride price, which you must go to her family to collect marriage listen to conduct marriage for her before they will allow you to burial their daughter.

[Dailyscript]

That is such a long process just to announce the death of someone before her people.
I am a Nigerian but we don't practice wich weird culture.
What may have been occurred if you have just went there direct and tell them their sister (your mom) is dead Instead of all that like drama just as said? Well traditions differs and does not want to find yours a mock.

RIP to your mom and may the Lord grant you all the wisdom and strengths to keep going and winning as she say... Goodbye to you all.

Dont be a critic. Good thing you said it in the end the culture differs. I guess your own culture has some unique story that no one knows.
This culture is not weird. I feel it is is a way of honoring the dead. Fuck whatever we think, OP has explained it well, right now we should be sending our condelences to him not make a mockery of their culture which you already called weird.

[Kelward]

That is such a long process just to announce the death of someone before her people.
I am a Nigerian but we don't practice wich weird culture.
What may have been occurred if you have just went there direct and tell them their sister (your mom) is dead Instead of all that like drama just as said? Well traditions differs and does not want to find yours a mock.

RIP to your mom and may the Lord grant you all the wisdom and strengths to keep going and winning as she say... Goodbye to you all.

Dont be a critic. Good thing you said it in the end the culture differs. I guess your own culture has some unique story that no one knows.
This culture is not weird. I feel it is is a way of honoring the dead. Fuck whatever we think, OP has explained it well, right now we should be sending our condelences to him not make a mockery of their culture which you already called weird.

I want to thank everybody that have tendered their heartfelt condolences to me on the death of my beloved mother, I really appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart. Cultures differs and I just wanted to share my experience regarding the tradition of how the death of a married woman is formally announced to her people. Everybody don't have to like it but we can atleast respect it, so far it's not harmful to anyone. It's sad that some forum members were making a mockery of it to the extent of accusing me of lying about it when they were not there to give their own side of the story.

[Youngrebel]

Most African culture are beautiful and very interesting. They give respect to humanity and much value to the woman especially when it comes to marriage. That is why is important to always marry in the African way according to the rights and traditions of the particular place, because if this is not done the husband and family of the  deceased will pay dearly when it's time for such informations to be given the woman's family. It is also good young people learn the traditions of their place so as not to fall victims to certain thing's.

[franky1]

(im british white, but visited many african villages)
seems the tradition(i might be wrong) is to keep family informed before death, so family can visit and adjust to the fate due to come, say their farewells and such.. hence why you feel guilty of not doing that and feared telling them shocking news of death, so you lied like an actor would.. because you didnt inform them during her last days/hours

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

I think the lie there is the point of the tradition. Maybe the children of their sister are not supposed to tell them that hey uncles, our mother your daughter is dead. The tradition is the children shouldn't mention it to the uncles. But the uncles on seeing the children come in that fashion knew that their daughter is dead. But as culture demands, they will inform their uncles that their mother mother is sick. Even though they knew it was lie that she's not in the sick bed. It's that necessary lie, and giving the uncles money to go see things for themselves is what makes the tradition interesting. He's just learning about the tradition for the very first time and it's strange to him.

its not a culture question.. its a real world common sense, logic problem about does this story sound like something that is a culture thing

take it from your own prospective using common sense

when people are generally sick and in hospital. knowing relatives live a village away and have no phone access.. how are they going to magically know she is sick..
common sense is the closest relative, son in this case (YOU from your prospective) are suppose to tell the rest of the family because at this point you are the only one that knows(logic, right)

he didnt inform them she was sick, days weeks before death..  because when he was suppose to tell them she was dead, he lied and said she was just sick which was first time they heard of any bad news. logic would be when hearing of just sickness that family would check on her to see how she is doing
so logic and common sense is that the extended family thought she was just sick when the uncles left to check on her.
the whole forum theory of everyone knowing falls flat and debunked (unless family is psychotic) because they didnt react to knowing of death by any subtle method
again. natural human emotion is if you recognise a tradition of a death announcement, even the unspoken word would trigger emotion. such as other countries that have formal ways of death announcement when no family is around to know.. seeing police/military approach a door in formal attire. just the look on their face and the door knock is enough to trigger someones grief. but to assume family just had no emotion and instead went about some meaningless journey just to act ut a scene.. sounds like nonsense story of them knowing but went on a journey as "its culture to know but still do some act"

to think that logic, emotion, common sense doesnt apply and instead the extended family are both psychic and psychotic to both know she is dead but shhh lets not have any emotion and just play some game of driving around to act out a scene to then come back and announce it to allow some later crocodile tear to then flow. doesnt even sound like a culture thing

he even admits again (because how are family to find out otherwise) he was suppose to announce the death, he even had a bottle of drink to bring with him..
then some idiot told him to break that tradition

so adding up logic, common sense, custom, mistakes made, and the admissions of the OP in parts that do sound true... this story does not sound like a experience of traditions playing out as expected by culture.. but him twisting facts to cover up his mistakes of not informing family by trying to pretend its a culture thing that families lie, play games and do other things

to me the OP simply didnt inform the extended family about sickness so tried to backtrack by saying she was sick, hoping the uncles see she died but hope they dont ask too many questions about time of death to figure out she died hours before and he lied by saying she was alive but sick.

i feel the OP feels guilt for not doing tradition so is telling this story to replace the reality. hoping it eases his own grief/guilt and shifts blame onto others

[Gozie51]

to me the OP simply didnt inform the extended family about sickness so tried to backtrack by saying she was sick, hoping the uncles see she died but hope they dont ask too many questions about time of death to figure out she died hours before and he lied by saying she was alive but sick.

i feel the OP feels guilt for not doing tradition so is telling this story to replace the reality. hoping it eases his own grief/guilt and shifts blame onto others

and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died.

This is interesting  

By this excerpt from OP, I see they were already warned by their elders who knows that it is the tradition for the children or the in-laws not to announce directly, the death of their mother or sister in-law.

I believe in most Nigerian culture, death is a sacred thing and treated so. In many cases, you have to buy cow to invite the woman's family and kins men to attend the burial of their sister.

[Scarlett_23]

The grief of losing a loved one is very difficult. Those who have experienced this grief in real life can feel it from the heart. The news of your mother's death is very emotional and has a deep cultural connection to it. Many people cannot bear to hear the news of death directly. Especially the elderly. That is why in many countries of the world there are traditions of breaking the news differently. Breaking the news differently means preparing for and informing the relatives of the deceased. Why didn't you tell them about her illness when your mother was very sick? Maybe you thought it was better not to tell them because it might worry them? But maybe some of them were more experienced and could have helped your mother get better with a little better treatment.

[Bushdark]

I come from eastern Nigeria, and there is one of our cultures that I've been hearing about and I had a chance to experience it live. I was born in the city and never physically experienced most of our cultures and traditions in the village. I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died. Her family members gathered in their house and after presenting kola nut to welcome us, we all ate and they asked us  why we came. We told them that their sister (my mother) was very sick and we have come to inform them. They thanked us for taking care of her and also coming to inform them, they then asked where she is presently and we told them that she's on a hospital bed. They asked us the name of the hospital and we gave the name of a hospital, then they asked us to bring money for transportation so that they will send some people to go and visit her and bring them report of how she is. We gave money and the oldest man in the family collected it and gave to two young men to go to the hospital. They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was them that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us and gave us food, then gave us their burial rites.

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

Culture really is the way of life of a people as it defined in some of part of African there have been situations where there is  a bridge between the culture and  exposure to civilization.
In the early years, when there was first an introduction of Christianity there have been a couple of challenges were the then Christians have to balance there Christianity with their culture and tradition especially when it is diabolical. Christians found it very difficult then to strike a balance due to pressure from the leaders and law keepers at the time.
However, in recent times the powerful and strong hold this cultures and traditions held on the people have gradually reduced drastically due to civilization and exposure.

[AmaGold70]

My condolences on your mum's passing. My culture and tradition are a bit similar to yours my friend, I like it, it only shows how important their daughters are to them even after getting married. We don't lie to them actually we go straight to the point, but we must go with drinks and after we will be asked about how we treated our mother when she was alive and if they find out that you (her children) treated her badly or abandoned her in the village without care, her people will beat up her children mercilessly. In my village our mothers people are to be treated with maximum respect even the youngest of them, they literally own us and there's nothing we can do about us. Our mother's people love us and they can do anything to make us happy but you dare not treat their daughter/sister (our mum) badly. You will be dealt with in her defense.