The joke thread.

[Herodes]

I figured we'd need a joke thread. So feel free to post, if you have a good joke, in this thread.

I just read a good comic strip today, and I will repeat the joke here:

Headline: Business negotiations

Company A:
So we agreed that we take all the development costs and risks, while you take all the patents, credit and profit.
However, it says here on the last page in small writing that we have to develop a swimming pool in the the garden
of the private residence of your director by digging it out with our bare hands, we're afraid we'll have to reject that.

Company B:
With a resigned voice: Ok, you win, we will allow you to use teaspoons.

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[ZedZedNova]

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored Jell-o.

[TheHeroMember]

This is a joke post.

- don't bother reading this one.

[Inspector 2211]

My favorite one:

A sawmill has an open position for a wood buyer.
Guy with dark glasses and a cane walks in.
"I am appying for this wood buyer job!"

"OK, but aren't you BLIND???"

"Sure am, however I identify wood by my keen sense of smell."

"I need to verify your claim. Ready for a test?"

"Ready is my middle name."

The boss hauls in a piece of lumber, puts it on his desk and asks: "Please identify this piece of wood."

Without missing a beat, the blind guy says: "Douglas fir, 50 years old, from Washington state."

The boss is impressed  - the answer was spot-on.

"How about a second test? Ready?"

"I was born ready!"

The boss hauls in another piece of lumber.

The blind guy sniffs front and back, before stating confidently:
"Oak, 75 years old, Northern New Jersey, a south-facing hillside."

Once again the answer is correct and records show that the hillside in northern NJ was indeed south-facing.

The boss is getting a little bit annoyed by the know-it-all and says "Now for the final test."

He leaves the room, but instead of coming back with another piece of lumber, he is carrying his secretary and gently puts her on his desk.

The  blind guy sniffs front and back.
Then, quite confused, once again.
Finally he says "You got me there. I have no idea what this is, but if I may venture a guess, it's the shithouse door of a fish trawler."

[Jon]

A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walked into a bar. What did the bartender say?

Hey, Mitt!

[Phinnaeus Gage]

A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walked into a bar. What did the bartender say?

Hey, Mitt!

Hey, Mitt! How's your wife and my kids?

[Phinnaeus Gage]

Distressed woman: "Help help I've just been raped by an idiot!!"

Police Officer: "How do you know he was an idiot?"

Distressed woman: "I had to tell him what to do."

________________________________________________________


Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

So he huffed and he puffed, until LRRH stopped the BBW--mid-organism--and asked, "Did you see what happened to those two little pig's houses up the lane?" Wherepon the the BBW replied, "You sure you don't want your tits sucked dry? I've been short of wind the last few day."

[TheHeroMember]

How about this, Goat- Slayer thingy. 

[TheHeroMember]

Try searching for Chuck Norris on Google and you'll end up with a lock-jaw. 

[sgk]

Sorry for bumping a 4-year old thread, but no one is posting any more jokes? WTF?

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[BitcoinBarrel]

How did men a long time ago used to find wives?

a. booby traps

[iram3130]

This one needs some searching...

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis...!!!

[jonnybravo0311]

A man is traveling for work and stops into a local bar one evening.  As he walks in he notices there's a live horse on the stage and a jar of money on the end of the bar.  Curious, the man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the horse and the jar of money?"

The bartender replies, "It's simple.  You drop a dollar into the jar and try to make the horse laugh.  If the horse laughs, you keep the jar of money."

The guy looks at the bartender, shrugs and has a drink.

When he finishes his drink, he drops a buck into the jar, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear.  The horse starts laughing uncontrollably, so the man walks back to the bar.  The bartender is obviously dumbfounded, but hands the guy the jar of cash.  The man thanks him, drops a nice tip and leaves.

Several months later the same man is back in town on business.  After a day of meetings he heads back to the same bar and sees the same situation: a horse on stage, and a jar of cash on the bar.

The bartender sees the guy and tells him, "This time, if you can make my horse cry, the jar of cash is yours."

The man sits down and has a drink.  When he's finished, he drops a dollar into the jar and heads up to the stage.  He stands right in front of the horse.  Seconds later, the horse is crying its eyes out.

Like the time before, the man heads back to the bar.  The bartender is truly dumbstruck and asks the man, "I have to know!  Last time you were here, you made my horse laugh.  This time you made him cry.  What did you do?"

Grabbing the jar of cash and dropping a tip on the bar the man says, "Last time I told him my dick was bigger than his.  This time I showed him."

[ZACHM]

This one is simple, but it is one of my all-time favorites:

What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop!?











A bee laughing its head off!  

[sgk]

[alope]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

[Mantic0re]

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. - i think this joke is in trend now considering how many girls draw such eyebrows

[sgk]

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.

[yanlap]

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

[sgk]

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

Took me some time to get it.  "Pause" ,  "Paws"