newbie joke competition - WIN BTC !!!

[mem]

I like jokes, I will pay 0.05 btc to the best joke posted here from now until I get home (~6 hours).
By all means vote for the jokes as well - please include your addy.

0.05 - 1PUzQWFq4ia2eRyTVYRYyWFihaqtJFw8WN - cop joke
0.025 - 12hPRt8hbxikCBbEeJzE8iCcydNZ8aYZqg - apple
0.0125 - 177HvCJZZHq8biugAEwxH8BDBCLoFz1vG2 - cow
0.00625 - 1MYwkQ8ZafkEnppxAHb2JJvLAfyEjdGdyL - hitch hikers
0.003125 - 1KDmysXoDaoTAUtksKqopH6VosN76H8Jub - Scotts (awesome).
0.0015625 - CLOSE - PAYING OUT.
0.00078125 - PAYMENTS MADE - flying through the bitverse to your wallets now.


update: Decided this is a pretty good thing to do.
Will leave this one open for a bit more then if no takes will payout and restart.

Payouts will be made tonight (in the next ~4 hours). Tomorrow and will edit this msg again to announce closure and next round.
I save on transactions if I do all the tiny ones at once is the reason for holding the comp open a little longer.

Current rules:
Newbies pull position rank over senior members.
Seniors welcome to play, but newbies will always take top prize position.
Multiple entries welcome.
Game runs for ~2 days.
Payouts a grouped.

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[mem]

reserving for winning results.

Yes this is real, the post is not a joke
Must be a newbie to win.

[cwerdna]

Cows,  Golf and a Wife......

A  man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him 'What happened to  you?'

'Well,  I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow  pasture..

We went to look for them and while I was looking  around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's Monogram  on it
stuck right in the middle of the cow's  arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I  yelled  to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I  don't remember much after that..

177HvCJZZHq8biugAEwxH8BDBCLoFz1vG2

[cwerdna]

I am Australian and proud of it - All my fellow countrymen will love this...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired,  --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
----  "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said,   ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet,"  --- replied God,   --- and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" ---   inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries.  ---  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said,   ---  "What's that one?"

"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,   ---  "But what about balance, God?   You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled,  --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............


177HvCJZZHq8biugAEwxH8BDBCLoFz1vG2

[mdude77]

I like jokes, I will pay 0.05 btc to the best joke posted here from now until I get home (~6 hours).
By all means vote for the jokes as well - please include your addy.

A guy was driving home, a bit faster than he should have, when he saw the tell tale signs of a police car pulling out behind him.

He wasn't in the mood to get a ticket, so he accelerated to try to get away.

The cop obviously has no trouble keeping up with him, sirens wailing and light flashing.

Not too much later the guy realized this was very foolish of him, and he pulled over.

The cop got out of the car, came up and said,

"Mr, that wasn't very wise of you trying to evade me.  However, if you can tell me a joke as to why you were trying to get away, I'll let you off with a warning."

"Well, officer, my wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

1PUzQWFq4ia2eRyTVYRYyWFihaqtJFw8WN

[mem]

I like jokes, I will pay 0.05 btc to the best joke posted here from now until I get home (~6 hours).
By all means vote for the jokes as well - please include your addy.

A guy was driving home, a bit faster than he should have, when he saw the tell tale signs of a police car pulling out behind him.

He wasn't in the mood to get a ticket, so he accelerated to try to get away.

The cop obviously has no trouble keeping up with him, sirens wailing and light flashing.

Not too much later the guy realized this was very foolish of him, and he pulled over.

The cop got out of the car, came up and said,

"Mr, that wasn't very wise of you trying to evade me.  However, if you can tell me a joke as to why you were trying to get away, I'll let you off with a warning."

"Well, officer, my wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

1PUzQWFq4ia2eRyTVYRYyWFihaqtJFw8WN

OK you got me (I should pay for jokes more often), payment will be sent shortly.

[mdude77]

OK you got me (I should pay for jokes more often), payment will be sent shortly.

If you raise the bounty I might post a better one!


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

  And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[RodeoX]

1.)  What is brown and sticky?

2.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

Thank you. Please send to the addy in my sig, as I am surely the winner.


Answer: 1.) a stick   2.) a stick


EDIT: Oops, I'm such a noob that I did not notice this was only open to noobs.  It is a great idea to only be open to new members! We should do more of this kind of thing.  +1

[juggalodarkclow]

I know I'm not a newbie but I felt compelled to share this joke

I was at the pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yelled: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland ?"










if you feel generous - 1KDmysXoDaoTAUtksKqopH6VosN76H8Jub

[TimothyA]

Self-explaining somewhat outdated joke: The Greek economy.

[BIGMERVE]

What's the difference between an apple and a baby?

 answer: I don't fuck an apple before I eat it.


12hPRt8hbxikCBbEeJzE8iCcydNZ8aYZqg

[faidsaid]

What's the difference between an apple and a baby?

 answer: I don't fuck an apple before I eat it.


12hPRt8hbxikCBbEeJzE8iCcydNZ8aYZqg

Yeah!

[faidsaid]

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."
-----

1KuNvyWFqc5wBSWUCyJLDgv12vequwMMCS

[OutputKnight]

Recruiter's question:

You are driving a a two seater sport car on remote road. You are stopped by three hitch hikers and it turns out that they are: your boss, an elderly grandma, and a gorgeous (playboy bunny) girl. There are three of them but you have only one free seat. What would you do?

The correct answer:
Give keys to boss and ask him to give lift to an elderly grandma, take care of the gorgeous girl in meantime.

Address for potential prizes: 1MYwkQ8ZafkEnppxAHb2JJvLAfyEjdGdyL

[mem]

What's the difference between an apple and a baby?

 answer: I don't fuck an apple before I eat it.


12hPRt8hbxikCBbEeJzE8iCcydNZ8aYZqg

Terrible

Recruiter's question:

You are driving a a two seater sport car on remote road. You are stopped by three hitch hikers and it turns out that they are: your boss, an elderly grandma, and a gorgeous (playboy bunny) girl. There are three of them but you have only one free seat. What would you do?

The correct answer:
Give keys to boss and ask him to give lift to an elderly grandma, take care of the gorgeous girl in meantime.

Address for potential prizes: 1MYwkQ8ZafkEnppxAHb2JJvLAfyEjdGdyL

Not bad

I know I'm not a newbie but I felt compelled to share this joke

I was at the pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yelled: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland ?"

if you feel generous - 1KDmysXoDaoTAUtksKqopH6VosN76H8Jub

awesome joke, I will pay but drop you to bottom position so the newbies still get a bit

[mdude77]

I like jokes, I will pay 0.05 btc to the best joke posted here from now until I get home (~6 hours).
By all means vote for the jokes as well - please include your addy.

Q:  What's the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist?

A: The taxidermist leaves the skin.



1PUzQWFq4ia2eRyTVYRYyWFihaqtJFw8WN

[TemporaryDevil]

How are my girlfriend and my car similar?
>I don't have a car.

[chicken patty]

Q:  What do you call a fly without wings?

A:  A walk



I'll be here all night folks!     



1LTneLoMZEdjnsHZTSVDKek5tPKX98pYpt