Bitcoin Forum

Here's my lame attempt... I hope I win  ;D

Rolling Stones: "I see a red door and I want it painted black"

Q: How come?
A: QuickSeller thought the door looked suspicious and gave it neg trust.

Hello Bob :) I recently heard this one so decided to share:

Q: Why did the hipster Bitcoin miner burn out his GPU?

A: He was mining before it was cool.

haha  ;D Took me a moment there.

Hey Bob is there any time period to submit our entries into this fun contest or when you will pick a winner than it will be ended?
Can i google it to take some joke there?

I'm not sure yet.. I was thinking a few days or however long it takes to get a good collection of jokes. I will fine-tune this process after a few rounds of it.

Yeah the joke can be from anywhere. The idea is to make people laugh :)

George and Jack are sitting behind the bar. George asks Jack: "would you like a beer?" Jack says: "do you ask a cow if he likes hay??"

I loved this one :)

Will my entry count if i post joke that someone already posted on another thread? Like this one?

Since BiPolarBob lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more
And the other half ?
They don't know yet that has lost it.
 I love you. Only funny ;D ;D ;D

That's fine too!

Cutting jokes are the most funny of all  :-\ :'(

 ;D

I asked a hooker if she accepted bitcoin. She told me no because it goes up and down more than she does.  ;D

Scammers, scammers everywhere

Q: Why did Luke-Jr give BiPolarBob negative trust?
A: Because his blocks aren't big enough to handle BPB's giveaways

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Transaction Malliability

Q: Why did Newsweek's satoshi keep granting interviews to reporters?
A: He wanted to double spend his free-lunch money.

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Mt Gox:

Q: What was Mt. Gox's business model?
A: To short Bitcoin when it was under $1 and never attempt to cover the position until the price was at $1,200

BOOM!

Although many of you may have heard this, I still find it very funny.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."  Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!"  Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Q: What's the difference between a blind man using a map and a truckload of BFL Jalapeños?

A: The blind man has a chance of finding a block.

https://i.imgflip.com/pvj6r.jpg (https://imgflip.com/i/pvj6r)via Imgflip Meme Maker (https://imgflip.com/memegenerator)

BIT TALK


Q: What did one bit say to the other bit?

A: "Let's get together and make some bits."


≧◠‿◠≦✌

That joke bytes :P

:D

GIRL: Where were you born?
BOY: EARTH ..
GIRL: which part?
BOY: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in EARTH .

Here is my one liner:

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This forum.

 :o :o :o

Simple yet effective. Probably not very original, but it's the best I can do.

Do vampires use bitcoin? No, they use bytecoin (bite-coin).

(This joke due to Mitchełł's Kristen Stewart obsession)

 ::)

This is my own creation!  ;D
https://i.imgur.com/1gOY0EF.png

Clouds

Q: How much people are like clouds?
A: When they disappear it's a brighter day.

The joke must be related to Bitcoins :D

Hahaha. That's a good one!

Does BiPolarBob have a cold storage?

No it has melted into a hot wallet from all the giveaways on Bitcointalk forum.

My second joke http://rlv.zcache.com.au/corny_corn_guy_sticker-r3ef933f3aca64d00a51d644bfcf90144_v9waf_8byvr_324.jpg

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

BULLS


Q: How do you keep bull guys BTC from charging?
 
A: By canceling its credit card.

≧◠‿●‿◠≦

The other day a miner told me his GPU was close to burning out, My Advice? Drop it in the pool.

I've never been good at jokes, at least trying is what matters ^.^

Why bitcoin is often heard in the hack , and doge not hacked ?
Because dogecoin have a dog logo , and hackers are afraid their actions smell   ;)

How many miners does it take to change a light bulb?

A million.

One miner to change it, and a million miners running in circles to determine who gets to do it.

"Bitcoin needs to remain decentralized which is why maintaining the 1MB limit and moving daily transactions to off-chain centralized third parties is the only solution"

Hello Bob, I hope this can make your day.

Q : What kind of car will you never see a bitcoiner driving?
A : A fiata.

Bitcoin and Fiat meet eachother on the street.

Bitcoin greets Fiat friendly: "Hey buddy, how are you doing? Great day today isn't it?

Fiat: "meh I guess I'm ok, could've been worse. And how are you Bitcoin?"

Bitcoin: "Dangit I'm feeling terrible! Someone just dumped me!"

What's the difference between a newbie who is learning and a guy with many THs account on an online cloudmining company?

The newbie has a chance of get some profit.  ;)  ;D

TheButterZone thought he could sell stuff to benefit charities for BTC. (http://donate.thebutterzone.com) The end.

Q: What cryptocurrency did Chris Brown gave to Rihanna?
A: Bitcoin

Heres my horrible attempt #1

Payment options

Q: What do you do when youre out of paypal money to subscribe on twitch? Do you rage quit and be salty?
A: Keep Calm and click the hidden tab more payment options > select Bitcoin.  (Kappa)

https://i.imgur.com/tiFz7VA.png?1

Q:why are there only 21 million bitcoins being mined?

A: they wanna make sure everyone in china gets 1

*Dies laughing*

I asked a hooker if she accepted bitcoin. She told me no because it goes up and down more than she does.

A bum asks a man for ฿0.002. The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum says, “No.” So the man says, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you ฿10 that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”

You get my vote +1

Hahah, brb now it reminded me to go fap.

Last one for me the most epic bitcoin joke. :)


chuck norris mined all bitcoins, twice.  8)

I have one its 18+ dont read it if you are below that :P

This is actually a translation.

So there is wife she calls here boyfriend, they are having sex when her husband comes home, She quickly hides him(boyfriend) in the fridge's Freezer, The Balls of his boyfriend get stuck in the door XD.

Husband asks what is that? She says its a bell :D XD

The husband goes forward and slaps it nothing happens, He than punches still nothing happens XD

He brings his hammer and hit them with it XD

(a Sounds come from the freezer) Trinng Motherfucker Trinng! XD.

Its better when its not translated :D


Edit:Opps didnot read the op, So i didnot know it had to be bitcoin related. Sorry.

Exchange rate at the moment.

In Soviet Russia, bitcoin mines YOU

Bitcoiner: Sometimes i feel that i have the worst job in the world!
Man : Ya.. Right
Bitcoiner: And now he tell us to make a Joke
Man : Ya.. Right
----
That is it, Im not good make a Joke ;D

New joke: when I send bitcoin to BiPolarBob he doubles them and sends them right back to me.

You are one classy BiPolar.

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PS, that wasn't the joke  :)

 ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''  ;D :D

If I win please donate to the dabs thread helping kiddies.

Thank you.

not sure what kinda joke you're looking for. but Gleb Gamow's avatar always made me smile because it reminded me of that time when I spilled some coffee and screamed VOOD (combination of fuck+hot).

edited to correct some weird enggriz stuff.

hmm. this is bitcoin related, right?

Same with me :)

https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=300631.0

I am so broke, bitcoin price doesn't even effect me..

Launching now Goxcoin:

will be mined out of nowhere, won't allow you to withdraw your coins but you still will be able to trade them for a while and will send its creator to jail.

Will come with a starbuck's Frappuccino gift card if you buy more than $1M worth of Goxcoins, bought with a carded credit card

Mr. President. What are we going to do about bitcon?
Outlaw it!!!
Sir, we own 40,000 bitcoins from the ceasure of silk road drug website
so.. technically we own fake currency that was earned by selling illegal drugs?
Yes, Mr. President
oh... in that case.. make it legal.. like we do with all fake money used for illegal activity

Stranger : do you know why BTC price so high?
Me : yes, because we hate fiat currency?
Stranger : No you wrong....!! Because Charlie BIT me has 826,841,636 views
Me : So BTC will be used by more than that Video views...huahahah

BitPay, Coinbase, and MT.Gox walk into a bar. Bitpay orders a drink and the bartender says, “That’ll be $2.50.” BitPay pays and goes to walk away, but the bartender says, “Hey!  You didn’t pay!” BitPay says, “Yes I did, here’s the TX ID.”

Coinbase orders a drink and the bartender says, ‘That’ll be $3.75.’ Coinbase pays and goes to walk away, but the bartender says, ‘Hey!  You didn’t pay!’ Coinbase says, ‘Yes I did, here’s the TX ID.’

MtGox orders a drink and the bartender says, ‘That’ll be $8.50.’  (Cos it’s a triple caramel macchiato from Starbucks.) MtGox pays and goes to walk away, but the bartender says, ‘Hey!  You didn’t pay!’ MtGox says, ‘Sorry here’s $8.50.’ And the bartender says, ‘That’ll be $12.75.’ MtGox says, ‘Sorry here’s $12.75.’ And the bartender says, ‘That’ll be $120.75.’ MtGox says, ‘Sorry here’s $120.75.’

https://i.imgur.com/6reV2Rm.jpg

 ;D ;D

Here's my first attempt

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch." :-*

:(

I have a story when I entered the contest on twitterTakeMyBitcoins and when it is to the theme of Helloween and create photo Selfi scary zombie.
but I do not have a costume on it. and I ended up using the stuff that is around me. and wrap around my face to look like a zombie  :D :D :D

and this my face after makeup LMAO
https://i.imgur.com/tw2UISd.jpg


I see this is not scary but very amusing hahaa
but in the end I was really into the contest winner and prize bitcoin  ;D ;D
https://twitter.com/TakeMyBitcoins/status/520420630353563649

One day, a little boy climbing a mango tree. But suddenly , he was caught by the owner of the mango tree .
"Hey , brat . Go down you ! Taking the mango belongs to someone else as one wishes. I 'll tell your father later and you will suck it. " snapped the tree owner .
Feeling nervous , the boy looked up the tree and said , "Dad ... we found out ! "

damn ..... they are stealing together when the three owner threatens the boy to tell this accident to his father lol.


i hope you guys love my short story. 

Q: How many bitcoins does it take to eat some food?

A: I don't know because the price usually fluctuates

A soldier lost his dick in a battle. The doctors tried hard, and successfully replace his dick with imitation made of plastic from old GPU scrap material.
Three years later, the soldier's wife gave birth: three kilos of bitcoin! http://cdn.kaskus.com/images/smilies/ngakak.gif

Boy: are you apple?
Girl : no, WHY?
Boy: because you are my APPLE of my eyes ;D

Man 1 : How many bitcoin does your grandfather have? Mine have 500 Bitcoins.

Man 2 : Only 500 dude? My grandfather have 1000 Bitcoins. Imagine that amount.

Man 1: Damn so many!

Man 3: Excuse me, can you please step aside. My grandfather sleeps in a room fill with bitcoins. Even his pillows are bitcoins.

Man 1 & 2 : Don't make us laugh you damn a**hole . Tell us who's your grandfather?

Man 3 :  Satoshi Nakamoto

LOL. WTF ???

You certainly have quite the......imagination

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Pokémon (ポケモン Pokemon?, /ˈpoʊkeɪmɒn/ poh-kay-mon)[1][2] is a media franchise created by Satoshi Nakamoto in 1995.  8)



Reference: Wikipedia.

Lol, that looks rather painful. Did your face come out the same when you were done?

A bitcoin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The bitcoin sighs and replies, "I lost my key." The bartender say, "maybe someone will find it."

Trillions of years later, no one has.

Chuck Norris fact.

Chuck Norris figured out all the private keys. Now he is working on the public ones. ;D

Scamcoins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIasr2AiyZ0

:D:D:D

I know, it's old but i only found it recently and it gave me a lot of good laughs. :D

Today I met a person whose face was looking like this - https://i.imgur.com/mbQU9J6.jpg

Me : what happened buddy ?
Person : Nothing today I asked a loan on bitcointalk
Me : oh then ?
Person : QuickSeller was the first to reply

and we all know what he replies, LOL

I know what he would reply to me. ;D

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

1 guy bought a box of mandarins in 2011 with a bucks of btc's

Another bought the entire shop with same amount 2 years later

I like mandarin.

One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra €50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Why would bitcoin be awesome DJ (deejay) ?
Because it can do massive drops  ;D

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

no , only the hair on the face of the many uprooted :'(

Q : Have you ever heard of a baby who is able to drink all the elephant’s milk in a day?

A : I’ve never heard of it. That is impossible. Whose baby?

Q : baby elephant  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

:P

I always like quickseller but at times he seems too rude too.

Critic : Ah! And what is this ? It is superb! What soul! What expression!

Artist : Yeah ? That's where I clear the paint off my brushes.

A man walks in to a bank and asks if he can convert his dollars to bitcoin.

His account is frozen and he is reported as a possible terrorist to the FBI.

There's no blacker humor than this
Mark Karpeles still has Exchange "bitcoins on mtgox!" in his signature

https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?action=profile;u=2134

Husband : sweety, why are you crying...?
Wife : im reading book, has a very sad ending..
Husband : what book?
Wife : your bank book.

https://i.imgur.com/LkTJeFr.png

the thief just don't know well about bitcoin and give a cash to bitcoiner  :D

Apparently he is "Working on new MtGox features" too :)

says his personal text.

What did the dollar tell the bitcoin?

Take over the world, son? Why, you can't even get into a stripper's pants!

Bitcoin obviously rules

http://s30.postimg.org/u6pkz808x/Bitcoin_Obviously_Rules_mod.jpg

Haha Right rules

What do Women Want

That's all Women want....


...normal simple ring





screen shot pc (http://postimage.org/app.php)


http://s8.postimg.org/n28gpgk29/image001.jpg




...small wedding party

http://s10.postimg.org/vqs90ee45/Wedding.jpg





...honeymoon at any place

http://s1.postimg.org/anupol4sb/Honeymoon.jpg



...small house for the kids to run around

http://s17.postimg.org/pw70cwlkv/Small_House.jpg


...lovely children

http://s30.postimg.org/ivhvdqn25/Children.jpg



...husband is a family man

http://s1.postimg.org/jcly2uge3/Family.jpg



...but work hard

http://s10.postimg.org/jq6szo6ph/Work.jpg





...small car for shopping

http://s13.postimg.org/t403qxmmr/Small_Car.jpg



...another car for kids

http://s1.postimg.org/breu0jpff/Kids_Car.jpg




...some collections

http://s10.postimg.org/vskkcs9h5/Somecollections.jpg




...shoes for each occasion

http://s13.postimg.org/q8n0k2imr/Shoes.jpg




...some nice outfits

http://s4.postimg.org/rkpm6i3vt/Outfits.jpg




...a bit of cosmetics

http://s30.postimg.org/enn34zlml/Cosmetics.jpg



...a bit of makeup

http://s4.postimg.org/gnoahqh49/Makeup.jpg





...overseas trip once a year

http://s4.postimg.org/isdpfxp2h/Overseas_Trip.jpg


...more often on domestic trips

http://s5.postimg.org/y23h440z7/Domestic_Trip.jpg




...dinners

http://s30.postimg.org/4rm05cful/Dinner.jpg




... Presents occasionally

http://s13.postimg.org/v4m1y0teb/Presents.jpg



...finally, some securities and bitcoins (about 1000 BTC).

http://s13.postimg.org/ut4ll9cyb/Security.jpg

http://s30.postimg.org/hrxr1s2f1/Bitcoins.jpg



Excellent wishes !!!! What about the Climax...
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Final Stage of Husband after fulfilling those things !!

[http://s1.postimg.org/et9phbyij/Final.jpg

Thanks for the great jokes everyone! There were lots of great ones :)

This round's prize goes to Wendigo. I also really, really hate hipsters.  >:(

Extra thanks to everyone who posted on-topic jokes