Title: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on April 30, 2013, 05:00:48 AM Boot’s
Black shadow hovers over Head Twenty-six-point-five Till the snake’s head Blood Running droplets stream Out the neck River The boot on the snake’s head The black boots on the sidewalk Door to door Street to street House to house No where to run Just hope they don’t come inside Close the windows Close the doors Cover your ears Close your eyes Repeat after me This is not my country This is not my country This is not my country Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: greyhawk on April 30, 2013, 07:32:46 AM So... what you're saying is you're the snake?
Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on April 30, 2013, 06:13:35 PM So... what you're saying is you're the snake? not quite When the boot crushed the snake's head, the other boots came out on the street: from them I hide and fear that this is no longer my country. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 01, 2013, 02:06:02 AM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes?
Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 02:27:03 AM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: hawkeye on May 01, 2013, 04:22:19 AM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast. You mean near the Potomac? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 04:25:26 AM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast. You mean near the Potomac? Yup, some very dangerous vipers on the shores of the Potomac. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Spendulus on May 01, 2013, 11:26:14 AM Constructive criticism: If you're going to devote entire stanzas to single words, make sure those words are damn compelling. I always have found that snakes try to move out of the way of the incoming boot.Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on May 01, 2013, 03:15:55 PM Constructive criticism: If you're going to devote entire stanzas to single words, make sure those words are damn compelling. Thanks ;) Which one didn't work for you? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on May 01, 2013, 03:16:58 PM Constructive criticism: If you're going to devote entire stanzas to single words, make sure those words are damn compelling. I always have found that snakes try to move out of the way of the incoming boot.If recent events prove anything, a snake won't move out of the way of a boot if it doesn't see it coming. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 01, 2013, 03:36:33 PM Aren't snakes usually the seedy, creepy, in the shadows types, like some politicians and such? Why should we feel sorry for them being stomped? Or is this an animal abuse issue, where people are stomping snakes, and this says that that's a bad thing, which I'd totally agree with (snakes are nice)
Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on May 01, 2013, 04:11:41 PM Oh crap. it's not 26.5 it's 26.2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Marathon#Course
Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Minor Miner on May 01, 2013, 04:16:24 PM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast.Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 04:19:14 PM Oh crap. it's not 26.5 it's 26.2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Marathon#Course Now, one thing I don't get. Are you implying that the marathon was the snake? I think it would be a much more powerful, and less... hmm... terroristic if the poem simply started at "Black boots on the sidewalk" But that's just me, and maybe I don't get the message of the first half of the poem. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 01, 2013, 04:25:03 PM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast.And republicans. Don't forget those. As for snake, maybe it's the "don't tread on me" thing like on the tea party flags? ??? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Minor Miner on May 01, 2013, 04:27:31 PM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast.As for snake, maybe it's the "don't tread on me" thing like on the tea party flags? ??? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 04:29:50 PM So, don't live in southwest USA, Australia, north Africa, or other places that are full of snakes? There are a surprising number of snakes in the northeast.As for snake, maybe it's the "don't tread on me" thing like on the tea party flags? ??? The Gadsden flag was almost the US flag, before The Stars and Stripes was adopted. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 01, 2013, 06:26:05 PM The Gadsden flag was almost the US flag, before The Stars and Stripes was adopted. I'm glad it wasn't. It really looks too much like a picture of a turd :P Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 06:30:16 PM The Gadsden flag was almost the US flag, before The Stars and Stripes was adopted. I'm glad it wasn't. It really looks too much like a picture of a turd :P At least the snake is uncoiled a bit. If it were all coiled up, it would look even worse. Of course, the message is the same, either way. Step on me, and you're going to have a bad day. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 01, 2013, 06:33:37 PM The Gadsden flag was almost the US flag, before The Stars and Stripes was adopted. I'm glad it wasn't. It really looks too much like a picture of a turd :P At least the snake is uncoiled a bit. If it were all coiled up, it would look even worse. Of course, the message is the same, either way. Step on me, and you're going to have a bad day. When I see it and think about someone stepping on it, the only thing I think of is *SPROING!* and someone bouncing off like Sonic off a spring platform. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 01, 2013, 06:37:59 PM The Gadsden flag was almost the US flag, before The Stars and Stripes was adopted. I'm glad it wasn't. It really looks too much like a picture of a turd :P At least the snake is uncoiled a bit. If it were all coiled up, it would look even worse. Of course, the message is the same, either way. Step on me, and you're going to have a bad day. When I see it and think about someone stepping on it, the only thing I think of is *SPROING!* and someone bouncing off like Sonic off a spring platform. Too much cartoons growing up. :p Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Templeton on May 02, 2013, 12:49:21 AM @ temthaw
I like many of your suggestions. Admittedly, this poem is not supposed to flow. It's supposed to jerk the reader around. There is one important thing that i disagree with you on, mainly the elimination of the word "running" (this would leave 26.5 as the only clue as to what i'm writing about). Also the apostrophe is very necessary in the the first line. Thanks for your feedback. Also, I'm glad that America did not adopt the Gadsden flag as our emblem. The Gadsden flag represents (and I believe always will represent) resistance to entrenched power: during the revolution it meant resistance to the king and his occupational government, today it means resistance to the globalists and their occupational government. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 02, 2013, 04:25:00 AM Admittedly, it's nice to see a contrast between our current and our previous presidents. When 9/11 happened, Senate passed the Homeland Security Act, and Bush invaded Iraq, built Guantanamo, and tried to legalize torture. Since the Boston bombing happened, Obama hasn't really pushed for anything, and recently started to push even harder to try to close Guantanamo and finally give its residents a fair trial. Maybe America learned its lesson and is moving in the right direction?
Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 02, 2013, 04:32:35 AM Also, I'm glad that America did not adopt the Gadsden flag as our emblem. The Gadsden flag represents (and I believe always will represent) resistance to entrenched power: during the revolution it meant resistance to the king and his occupational government, today it means resistance to the globalists and their occupational government. I like this one: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/27/Anarcho-Gadsden_flag.svg/500px-Anarcho-Gadsden_flag.svg.png Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 02, 2013, 04:41:15 AM Wanted to see if Rule 34 held up to this, so Googled "don't tread on me rule 34." I think I found Kokjo's and blahblahblah's flag
http://rule34-data-003.paheal.net/_images/d586d87e3fc88bf7d3b4aa8c27e197cd/715633%20-%20Flag%20History%20featured_image%20gadsden_flag%20pierrezaius%20tea_party.png P.S. If you're wondering, I didn't find "porn of it." Rule 34 fail. Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 02, 2013, 04:46:58 AM P.S. If you're wondering, I didn't find "porn of it." Rule 34 fail. You know what that means, don't you? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: Rassah on May 02, 2013, 01:25:56 PM P.S. If you're wondering, I didn't find "porn of it." Rule 34 fail. You know what that means, don't you? Time to commission a furry artist? Title: Re: This is not my country Post by: myrkul on May 02, 2013, 01:57:49 PM P.S. If you're wondering, I didn't find "porn of it." Rule 34 fail. You know what that means, don't you? Time to commission a furry artist? |