Just venting: Are most "Kiwi's" (New Zealanders) this manipulative?

[BitChick]

Totally venting here.  I can't really do it in a "public" forum like Facebook because this person is my husband's cousin, but he had a cousin we only met once, a couple years ago on a trip to New Zealand for less than an hour that asked if she could visit us here in Southern California and we said "sure!"

So, skip ahead a couple years.  She messaged and asked to "stay a few days."  no problem.  However, when the time came she announced she is actually planning on staying at our house over 7 weeks! (Which is a little more than a few days)  She offered to "help out." (I now know that her idea of helping out is just having me drive her everywhere and eating our food and going to the store and telling me what she wants to try, with her purchasing just a couple things for  herself.)  

I picked her up at the airport Friday, an hour drive in traffic to LAX.  She did not pay for the $2 parking ticket.  Oh well. No big deal.

We then offered to take her to Disneyland.  We have passes and she complained she did not have much money to go but really wanted to.  I offered to split the cost of a three day pass because I actually had some credit on my Disney Visa.  I gave her $120, because she said she had very little.

We have now been there a few days, getting up early, standing in lines, even putting up with her constant complaining that my pictures that I am taking with her camera of her and all (and I mean all) of the characters for her Facebook page are blurry and not good enough. (why a 30 year old women wants pictures with characters seems crazy to me but to each his own) Plus all the food I have been cooking is not exactly what she likes most of the time.  She hasn't offered to help with dishes.  All of that is annoying but today I am even more ticked.

She said she would pay for parking because we did not want to pay the $17 to park all day (we figured we could just go in the morning and park in Downtown Disney then return at night.  Save some money on parking, and I would even cook dinner for her at our house too.)  But she offered so we parked in the structure.  But then she did not get out her card or offer when it came time to pay.  Whatever.  Oh well.  Didn't make a big deal about it.  Then in the park she offered to treat us to lunch because we were staying there all day.  When it came time to pay I got out my Disney pass just to save her a few bucks off the meal and then the cashier said, "Is it together?"  My husband then looked at her and she said, "Separate checks please."  I was visibly upset.  She then proceeded to comment on how it wasn't that much for us to pay.  Later she bragged about all the stuff she was going to buy (she said she had no money to go to Disney but she has spent well over $300 there on pictures, pins, all kinds of crap!)

Sigh.  I am so frustrated.  Money is so incredibly tight for us right now.  We have a daughter about to start college, which we informed her about.  Of course Bitcoin is not doing well so most of our liquidity is tied up in it and I don't really want to sell.  We live very simply and to spend more money on food eating out, and even cooking and driving all over LA is a huge expense.  Plus I don't have as much time to work right now because I am showing her around, especially for 7 weeks.  I hate to be rude but I am almost tempted to just tell her that I can't be her personal chauffeur and take her to all the places she keeps talking about going.  I need to work right?  It just sucks that she said she would do a couple small and simple things and then weaseled out of those.  I don't even understand how a person could do that to someone else?   Is it OK for family members, even distant cousins that they only met once for an hour, to totally take advantage of them if given the opportunity?  Is this a New Zealand thing?  If so, they really need to learn that the rest of the world is not that way.

[Taras]

I wouldn't pin the issue on New Zealand. She's just a total jerk.

If you need advice, or the satisfaction of at least being heard, you can go to /r/offmychest or something like that. BitcoinTalk might not be the most helpful demographic.

[Prelude]

You let her walk all over you without repercussions, she figures you're both push overs. She'll continue to take advantage of you until you put a stop to it. Hold her to what she says, don't be afraid to say no to her, and set some ground rules for chores she's expected to do seeing as she's supposed to help out around the house.

You owe her nothing, quite the opposite in fact. If she doesn't like it, take her site seeing to the nearest hotel. Fuck do I hate freeloaders.

[Vod]

Just pray for things to work out.  Your god controls everything, and he loves you.

[BitChick]

I wouldn't pin the issue on New Zealand. She's just a total jerk.

If you need advice, or the satisfaction of at least being heard, you can go to /r/offmychest or something like that. BitcoinTalk might not be the most helpful demographic.

Well,  my husband's dad, who was born in New Zealand, often promises to pay for things and then stiffs us with the bill too.  So we are now thinking it is more of a "New Zealand thing" than we used to.  But maybe it is more of his dad's family problem.  

I wasn't really looking for "help."  It is just nice to get it all off my chest.  

And Vod, I am actually praying about it.  We are trying to be a good example while she is here and live out our faith in actions and not just words.  Some people make that harder to do than others but I guess they are the ones that need it the most?  It is easy to love those that are nice to you isn't it?  The ones that are hard to love are often ones that need love the most perhaps?  She seems to have some substance abuse issues to top it all off.  That could be fueling some of the issues, but not all I am sure.  

  

[(oYo)]

This is sort of like my wife and her (sister's) friend. She will invite my wife out to dinner and then let my wife pay for them. What's worse is she's got money and we don't. I tell my wife, if she's asking you out, she should be the one to pay or you could be nice and split the bill, but it's not fair or right that she should expect you to treat her.

There are always going to be people that take advantage of others. You are not being nice or polite by allowing them to walk all over you. I think it's ridiculous that you've allowed it to go on for as long as you have. At this point, you are just as much to blame for enabling her to victimize you and your family. You should have set her straight early on, but, good news, it's better late than never. Sit her down and be honest with her. Tell her you've had enough and don't worry about it sounding rude. Do not even bother telling her to start pulling her own weight, just tell her it's time she left. You don't need to be mean, you can even try to be nice about it, but you do need to be firm. I know you want to be a nice person and you don't want to ruin the relationship or have hard feelings, but, news flash, it's already ruined. She ruined it and you let it happen. You can either keep letting her take advantage you and your family or you can take responsibility for your part in this and put an end to it, finally. It is your choice. Good luck!

[BitChick]

This is sort of like my wife and her (sister's) friend. She will invite my wife out to dinner and then let my wife pay for them. What's worse is she's got money and we don't. I tell my wife, if she's asking you out, she should be the one to pay or you could be nice and split the bill, but it's not fair or right that she should expect you to treat her.

There are always going to be people that take advantage of others. You are not being nice or polite by allowing them to walk all over you. I think it's ridiculous that you've allowed it to go on for as long as you have. At this point, you are just as much to blame for enabling her to victimize you and your family. You should have set her straight early on, but, good news, it's better late than never. Sit her down and be honest with her. Tell her you've had enough and don't worry about it sounding rude. Do not even bother telling her to start pulling her own weight, just tell her it's time she left. You don't need to be mean, you can even try to be nice about it, but you do need to be firm. I know you want to be a nice person and you don't want to ruin the relationship or have hard feelings, but, news flash, it's already ruined. She ruined it and you let it happen. You can either keep letting her take advantage you and your family or you can take responsibility for your part in this and put an end to it, finally. It is your choice. Good luck!

Well,  she has only been here 7 days.  She is leaving Monday for a 55 day "Contiki" (aka trip around the USA on a bus) then returning at the end of May for 5 more weeks.  (edit:  Actually more than 6 weeks!  I accidentally put 5)

When she asked to stay I just figured she would expect to do her own thing most of the time.  She came with very little understanding of LA.  Our transportation system is not the best.  It is hard to get around on public transit.  Also, going places alone is not much fun and I wanted to make it more enjoyable for her.  We offered Disney because we do have passes (purchased when another cousin came last June) and figured it would not cost us much more than a little time to go there, and we tried to make it on our terms by stating we did not want to stay all day.  But it is just the little ways in which the manipulation happens that catches us off guard.  At lunch today I should have said, "I thought you were paying?"  But that feels so rude to say that.  I feel like in some ways it is just better to be the bigger person and then next time when she asks for me to go out of my way I will now suddenly be busy.  She wanted me to drive her all over the place to see some places her beloved "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" show was filmed.  (I have never watched a single episode and I cannot fathom why anyone in their right mind would be obsessed over it but who knows.)  She will need to find a way to go on her own?  Or perhaps pay for gas if I decide to be nice?  I don't know.  I think the worst part for me is her claiming how poor she is then wasting money left and right while we are struggling to have extra expenses thrown upon us by her pressuring us to do things.  I think that is what gets me the most annoyed.  I know that everyone has different priorities but it feels manipulative to say that, then suddenly change when she is here.

[(oYo)]

This is sort of like my wife and her (sister's) friend. She will invite my wife out to dinner and then let my wife pay for them. What's worse is she's got money and we don't. I tell my wife, if she's asking you out, she should be the one to pay or you could be nice and split the bill, but it's not fair or right that she should expect you to treat her.

There are always going to be people that take advantage of others. You are not being nice or polite by allowing them to walk all over you. I think it's ridiculous that you've allowed it to go on for as long as you have. At this point, you are just as much to blame for enabling her to victimize you and your family. You should have set her straight early on, but, good news, it's better late than never. Sit her down and be honest with her. Tell her you've had enough and don't worry about it sounding rude. Do not even bother telling her to start pulling her own weight, just tell her it's time she left. You don't need to be mean, you can even try to be nice about it, but you do need to be firm. I know you want to be a nice person and you don't want to ruin the relationship or have hard feelings, but, news flash, it's already ruined. She ruined it and you let it happen. You can either keep letting her take advantage you and your family or you can take responsibility for your part in this and put an end to it, finally. It is your choice. Good luck!

Well,  she has only been here 7 days.  She is leaving Monday for a 55 day "Contiki" (aka trip around the USA on a bus) then returning at the end of May for 5 more weeks.

When she asked to stay I just figured she would expect to do her own thing most of the time.  She came with very little understanding of LA.  Our transportation system is not the best.  It is hard to get around on public transit.  Also, going places alone is not much fun and I wanted to make it more enjoyable for her.  We offered Disney because we do have passes (purchased when another cousin came last June) and figured it would not cost us much more than a little time to go there, and we tried to make it on our terms by stating we did not want to stay all day.  But it is just the little ways in which the manipulation happens that catches us off guard.  At lunch today I should have said, "I thought you were paying?"  But that feels so rude to say that.  I feel like in some ways it is just better to be the bigger person and then next time when she asks for me to go out of my way I will now suddenly be busy.  She wanted me to drive her all over the place to see some places her beloved "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" show was filmed.  (I have never watched a single episode and I cannot fathom why anyone in their right mind would be obsessed over it but who knows.)  She will need to find a way to go on her own?  Or perhaps pay for gas if I decide to be nice?  I don't know.  I think the worst part for me is her claiming how poor she is then wasting money left and right while we are struggling to have extra expenses thrown upon us by her pressuring us to do things.  I think that is what gets me the most annoyed.  I know that everyone has different priorities but it feels manipulative to say that, then suddenly change when she is here.

7 days? In the OP you state it's been 7 weeks. I guess you you can stick it out until Monday and, like you say, just "keep busy". Wait, she's "returning" to YOUR house? *sigh*

[xhomerx10]

7 weeks with you plus 55 days to tour the US? Wow!  How does somebody even get that amount of time off work?  I am doing something wrong ;(

[BitChick]

This is sort of like my wife and her (sister's) friend. She will invite my wife out to dinner and then let my wife pay for them. What's worse is she's got money and we don't. I tell my wife, if she's asking you out, she should be the one to pay or you could be nice and split the bill, but it's not fair or right that she should expect you to treat her.

There are always going to be people that take advantage of others. You are not being nice or polite by allowing them to walk all over you. I think it's ridiculous that you've allowed it to go on for as long as you have. At this point, you are just as much to blame for enabling her to victimize you and your family. You should have set her straight early on, but, good news, it's better late than never. Sit her down and be honest with her. Tell her you've had enough and don't worry about it sounding rude. Do not even bother telling her to start pulling her own weight, just tell her it's time she left. You don't need to be mean, you can even try to be nice about it, but you do need to be firm. I know you want to be a nice person and you don't want to ruin the relationship or have hard feelings, but, news flash, it's already ruined. She ruined it and you let it happen. You can either keep letting her take advantage you and your family or you can take responsibility for your part in this and put an end to it, finally. It is your choice. Good luck!

Well,  she has only been here 7 days.  She is leaving Monday for a 55 day "Contiki" (aka trip around the USA on a bus) then returning at the end of May for 5 more weeks.

When she asked to stay I just figured she would expect to do her own thing most of the time.  She came with very little understanding of LA.  Our transportation system is not the best.  It is hard to get around on public transit.  Also, going places alone is not much fun and I wanted to make it more enjoyable for her.  We offered Disney because we do have passes (purchased when another cousin came last June) and figured it would not cost us much more than a little time to go there, and we tried to make it on our terms by stating we did not want to stay all day.  But it is just the little ways in which the manipulation happens that catches us off guard.  At lunch today I should have said, "I thought you were paying?"  But that feels so rude to say that.  I feel like in some ways it is just better to be the bigger person and then next time when she asks for me to go out of my way I will now suddenly be busy.  She wanted me to drive her all over the place to see some places her beloved "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" show was filmed.  (I have never watched a single episode and I cannot fathom why anyone in their right mind would be obsessed over it but who knows.)  She will need to find a way to go on her own?  Or perhaps pay for gas if I decide to be nice?  I don't know.  I think the worst part for me is her claiming how poor she is then wasting money left and right while we are struggling to have extra expenses thrown upon us by her pressuring us to do things.  I think that is what gets me the most annoyed.  I know that everyone has different priorities but it feels manipulative to say that, then suddenly change when she is here.

7 days? In the OP you state it's been 7 weeks. I guess you you can stick it out until Monday and, like you say, just "keep busy". Wait, she's "returning" to YOUR house? *sigh*

I guess I did not make it very clear.  I edited it.

She said she was going to stay "a few days."  I said "Sure!"  Her idea of "a few days is over 7 weeks!  Crazy!

[BitChick]

7 weeks with you plus 55 days to tour the US? Wow!  How does somebody even get that amount of time off work?  I am doing something wrong ;(

Right!  And she says she has no money but then is spending money like crazy here at Disneyland and now is planning on seeing tons of shows, amusement parks, studio tours and drinking a ton of alcohol on her trip.  

I told her there was no way I could afford to do those tours and visit any other amusement parks with her.  I even told her that driving to LA was a challenge.  We live about an hour away with good traffic.  I will still need to drive her back and forth a few times for her 55 day tour and then back to the airport for an other little trip she has planned to Waikiki.

As for her income, she lives at home with her "mommy" and "daddy."    I heard that her mom even gave her a credit card to use on the trip.  I think she is telling her mom that she needs to "help us" and her mom doesn't want her to take advantage of us, as she casually mentioned the first day. (she said, "My mom said not to take advantage of you while I am here and I can put some things on my card she gave to me.")  But it ends up being the perfect excuse for her to rack up charges and then blame us for them.  That is my speculation.  I am tempted to call her mom but it seems weird to be doing that.  I don't know her family very well.  It is like a third cousin and my husband and her have the same great grandfather.  One of those long distant cousin type relationships.

Her family seems fairly well off, but she doesn't keep a steady job.  She is not working right now but had previously been saving for a couple years for this trip.  

[Rampton]

Are all American's stupidly naive Christians? No. Please don't generalize an entire nation based off one rude family. You need to man up or she's just going to walk all over you. Sit her down and calmly explain the situation and tell her she needs to start contributing and pay her way, otherwise she'll have to leave or get a hotel. I'd also consider ringing her parents and telling them the situation too. If you don't have the guts to speak to her about this she's just going to screw you for as long as she can and literally overstay her welcome.

[digitalgrow]

I would suggest put up with it till she leaves and then book a years holiday in NZ and stay at her house whilst getting her to pay for everything while you are there....

[BitChick]

I would suggest put up with it till she leaves and then book a years holiday in NZ and stay at her house whilst getting her to pay for everything while you are there....

We were in NZ a couple years ago.  We stayed with other relatives a few nights.  Didn't realize that we could have said, "a few" and then stay 7 weeks though.   I wouldn't want to be gone that long from home anyways though.  We don't get much vacation days in the US anyhow and it is expensive to travel for a long time.

My husband talked with her last night while they were at Disneyland late (I was so tired I did not want to stay out until midnight) She said that the reason she did not pay for parking was that she forgot and that she has a bad memory.  It seems she does forget alot of things.  As for stiffing us at lunch, she said when I got out my Disneyland pass (which I was only getting out to save her a few bucks off the price of the meal she offered to pay) she thought I was offering to pay so that is why she said "separate checks please."  Perhaps it is true.  I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

She was telling my husband that we are nicer than her friends would ever be back in NZ.  I know some of  you consider me a "naive Christian" and perhaps I am looking at her through the lens of what I would choose to do in the same situation.  But it is often a moral dilemma as to what to do in some circumstances.  Where is the line of loving others and turning the "other cheek" like Jesus told us to do, or when is it better to have a bit of "tough love?"  It isn't always a simple thing to know what is best and in every situation there can be a choice that is better for the person. 

[Last of the V8s]

Obvious addict behaviour is obvious.
Confronting her calmly is not 'rude' or 'ballsy', but honest and kind.