Interesting title I know. Let me explain.
In about 1 month, I will be 1 1/2 years sober.For years I was addicted to alcohol. Like most people I started drinking when I was young. Just like everyone else I had fun with it in my adolescent years. But what started off as fun, turned into the deepest darkest reality I would ever come to know.. I do not even wish this reality upon even my greatest enemy, and no man or women should ever be consumed by this twisted augmented way of life. Its filled with nothing but selfishness, greed, hate, illusion, lies, anxiety, and many other things that words could not give justice too. But I was there. I lived it, breathed it, embarrassed it, and it was all by choice. The funny thing about an alcoholic mind is we generally can lie to ourselves, and believe it. Its quite funny how that works..
Let me first of all come right out and say I have no ill will towards people who drink. To be quite frank, I wish I could drink, and jealous of the fact other people can. But it doesn't work for me. To the normal drinker this may seem way off in left field because their minds simply won't ever be able to grasp the concept of how an alcoholic mind works. Don't worry. Its better off they don't know. But I also very much envy that. I wish my mind worked in like terms. Sadly, it does not. Does this disable me? In some ways, yes. But it also creates strength as well because the alcoholic mind is in constant battle with itself. Again, I really can't fully explain what that means. Its something you would have to experience directly to fully comprehend.
So why the hell am I here posting about this on a damn Bitcoin forum? Well, for one I want to inspire people. I never know who might come across this in the future, and it hit home with someone. In the past year and a half, I have changed in way I don't even know how to put into words. My days used to be only focused around my addiction. My primary concern was only to drink, or figure out a way to do so. Nothing else mattered. Alcohol was my medicine. It cured everything. If I was sad, I would drink. Having a good time, I would drink. If I came down with a cold/flu, alcohol cured that too. It always had the ability to enhance, or deaden feelings. It did it all! But in the end, it almost took it all. The truth of the matter is, it hid from everything. Family, and friends alike. For years when I looked in the mirror, I was not looking back at myself. To be honest, till this day I don't know who that person was in the mirrors reflection. It wasn't me.. It wasn't me for years. Its a pretty scarey feeling when you look in the mirror, and you don't recognize the person that's looking back at you.
My day to day life was an viscous and endless cycle. Wake up, start to dry heave because my body would go through nightly small detox sessions. Down 5-6 shots of vodka to stop the pain. Try to face reality, and appear to be normal. Sneak away when ever I could to stay constantly intoxicated. Figure out how I would afford alcohol "today". Get ridiculously drunk in the evening. Pass out. Wake up in the middle of the night shaking. Down a few more shots to try and get back to sleep. Rinse, repeat. That was my reality.. How did I get to this point? By years of drinking. I didn't start off that bad, but rather built up to that point over the course of years for a decade+. At the end there, I would consume a liter and a half of vodka every night. People have been hospitalized for less....
So how did I end up in this reality? Simply by choice. I did it to myself. No ones to blame. I'm not going to sit here, and tell you its such and such's fault, and I ended up in this dark abyss because, "Life didn't treat me well" "It's unfair!" Screw all that non sense. Everyone has problems. Life doesn't always head in the right direction. That's a fact. How we deal with these forks in the road are purely based upon ourselves individually. Its no certain thing/s fault I became who I became. There's no incident that's too blame either. If I sit back, and point fingers all day, I am no better sober than I was when I was lying to myself drunk on a daily basis. The definition is simple. "It was self inflicted, with no one to blame by myself".
One day I just got sick of it. I woke up shaking. Didn't have anymore alcohol to drink. I had told myself the night before I needed to leave a little bit left in the bottle so I could take a few shots in the morning, so I could manage enough strength to get to the store for more. But that never works. I was completely out of alcohol, and had no real way to get anymore. I laid in bed shaking, and in pain. I thought I was going to die right then and there. This was it for me! This is what it all came down too! Me, alone, in bed, shaking from a bad alcohol withdrawal in a dark room. What a sad sad reality this was. I thought to myself, "How did it come to this?" "Why did I let it get this far!"...."If I get lot of this alive, I'm never going to drink again!" Any alcoholic knows those words all too well. I can't begin to count how many times I've said that to myself.. But this time was different. I couldn't do this anymore. I knew right then and there if I I was to make this detox out alive, I would change my life around. Because how I had been living was not living at all. It was my personal hell painted with the the scariest pictures of demons you would ever see...
Well of course I didn't die. That really doesn't need to be said since I'm here typing. I detoxed myself for a week, and that was the worst thing I HAVE EVER gone through mentally and physically. The mind is a powerful thing, and the thoughts that go through ones mind can not even be illustrated in the deepest darkest Hollywood horror movie. You see.. When your brain is so used to drinking this amount of alcohol on a daily basis, and you suddenly just take that away, the brain freaks the hell out. It hasn't experience life NOT under the influence for so long that it has a hard time trying to interrupt whats going on around you. Its actually extremely dangerous to detox yourself alone. People die in the process all the time, so I don't recommend it! But at that time, I didn't care. I was either going to die, or get outta this dark hole once and for all.
After the first week, and I was still alive, I started to feel better. Not much, but some. It wouldn't be until months and months later until I finally started to feel normal again. I also went through with whats called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). PAWS is basically your brain freaking out, and having "flashbacks" of the detox process if you will. It happens to some, and not to others. But it happened to me. Here I was 3 months sober, and all of a sudden I started to feel like I was detoxing again. Body would start to tingle, my mind would feel fuzzy. A sense of unreality. Its hard to explain, but I thought I was losing my mind! I FIGURED I had drank too much over the years, and did irreversable damage. It made no sense to me. Here I was months sober where I thought I should be feeling awesome, but am faced with all these bizarre feelings plus out of the blue anxiety! WTF! So anyways, I do some research, and realize what I was going through was called PAWS. (Cute name for a crappy thing...lol)
Paws would subside over time, but it took some times. Out of this whole thing, I think the hardest part of it all was facing my personal reality, and seeing it in a sober mine. I wreaked my life. Its hard to look at something like that, and accept it when your so used to hiding from everything for so long.
The person I am today is the complete polar opposite from who I was just over a year and a half ago. I now focus on a better future. I do not attend AA, or any type of 12 step program. Not that I don't think they are fantastic programs. I just choose not to be apart of that. Some people really need that type of support, others like myself rely on personal inner strength.
As I move forward in life after holding myself back for so long, I am faced with many challenges. I have accepted the fact I have been significantly delayed. Where I should be right now with my life in terms of education, and career without a doubt is not where I saw myself being when I was in my youth (Im 31). But thats alright! Im on the right path now, and the only reason I need to look back now is to reflect, and remind myself I've already wasted too much time already! Looking back can be a good time if done in a way without self pity. I use it as a tool of strength. A physical reminder of who I once was, but was able to defeat and overcome my weaknesses.
I'm now a year and half sober, and need to focus on a better life. Bitcoin seems like a good start. I've also always had a good understanding of economics, and love moving numbers around to turn profit. Even if its just making 5 cents turn into 10 cents, I get a kick out of that! I'm very hindered in terms of finance due to the path I used to take. What little money I do have barley affords day to day living. Again, I'm in this position because I put myself here. I never deny that. So I have to start off slow. I have no choice. I cant even afford another video card at the moment sadly. Currently all I have to mine with is 1 HD 6750, and my AMD 8150fx cpu I use for litecoins. Boy its slow going with just that hahaha. BUT! it goes. I will keep all my coins in the system, and try to reinvest for better equipment. Gotta start somewhere right? For the past 2 weeks, Ive done nothing bit live and breathe learning about Bitcoin every waking second. Learning about proper security, how this all works, what it all is, and I love every aspect of it. In terms of taking loans from family members, they would ever go for it. Not to mention none of them even grasp the concept of the IT world in general. My credit is also nothing to call home about. In my path to self destruction, I screwed that up too. =/. Again, all things I've came to terms with. So with next to no money, to invest right now, I can only do so much. BUT! I'll do what I can with what means I have to work with. I can't expect to get out of this hole in one night. But I can climb a little bit each day.
In short people. If you are reading this, and have struggled with some form of addiction, just know life does get better. It takes a lot of effort, but the payoff supersedes any pain on the journey.
Life does get better! Trust me! You just have to really want change bad enough, and accept that you can't live with the addiction forever. You can.... But it will kill you in the end. It almost killed me. But its slowly getting better as I come to terms with who I really am. I'm a year and a half sober now, and my life has changed so much since I faced my demons head on. So if I inspired in some form or fashion, and you want to help me on my journey to my new life, please consider helping a stranger out (address in signature). Im a firm believer in Karma because truly what goes around absolutely DOES come around.
But in the end, I'm just here to shed my story. Advice, and inspiration is free. I have lots to give. I just hope someone comes across this in the future, and it help someone. Knowing that holds more value to me than anything.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to being part of this community very much.
-Ryan
I created this as a visual reminder to myself where I once stood in life, and who I am today.
