Washington, DC -- Bitcoin News Wire / CBS News -- June 8, 2011
Today Panic buying was followed by PANIC selling, then followed by panic buying, and then FRANTIC PANIC selling!!
Most miners have been in a PANIC mode all day! Overloaded Radeon's burning down a townhouse in West Chester New Jersey!
It has now been confirmed by multiple independent expert cryptozoologists over the age of 42 that a bug found in the 'blocking subscript' code used by bitcoin
will soon mean more and more bitcoins will enter a 'lost coins' status, by the 6,666,666~ millionth coin generated half of the coins will be GONE FOREVER!
Mysterious "Japanese" programmer Satoshi Nakamoto no more! At 4:20 today he was arrested at the Palladium Club in Acapulco, Mexico! Details are still coming in
at this point but it appears that 'she' is actually a 26 year old Australian woman who had been living until recently in Thailand and was said to access the internet
only when behind 7 proxies! A pizza courier provided the details leading to the arrest. Computers in a norwegian 'doomsday seed vault' were used to hold the Bitcoins of 'Satoshi'
and were found to be running the illegal operating system 'Ubuntu Linux' which has been assosiated recently with communism and witchcraft. Linux is also said to have
been used by the chinese hackers who recently stole the blueprints to the Stealth Blackhawk from computer systems at Sikorsky Aircraft in Stratford, Connecticut.
The popular web site for drug addicts 'The Silk Road' has been confirmed to have been run by the DEA, in a brazen operation lightwaves ahead of its time,
masterminded by Sentator Chuck "The Genius" Schumer, and authorized personally by Gil Kerlikowske at the Office of National Drug Control Policy at the White House.
They worked with Bitcoin core developer Jeff Garzik to develop a visual basic program for agents blackberries that makes use of IP to GPS technology to track down
addicts using the silk road system. During a brief statement only moments ago Jeff was quoted saying: "Basically anyone using the Bitcoin system to buy or sell drugs is damn fool.
We have made it very easy for the DEA and FBI to track down any illegal transactions using the system. Especially in the case of any one site faciliating such transactions.
What it comes down to, at the end of the day, is that, at the beggining of every day agents will recieve twitter updates of drug addicts home addresses along with cryptographically
signed judges authorization to search and seize anything in the possession of the addict. There are ongoing raids right now, and I think that this will demonstrate to everyone
that by the end of the summer, and once paypal completes their deployment of Bitcoin, no one will smoking Marihuana, as every single one of them will be in prison or outpatient
rehabilitation depending on a combination of how much money they have and if there skin color is darker than a light brown crayola cran."
Garzik along with several agents then boarded a Stealth Blackhawk Roflcopter and flew off into the sunset.
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