I like films, can I audition for you? OK, are you ready for it? Here I go then!
"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for funding I can tell you I don't have any bitcoins. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my bitcoin friends alone now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will have you arrested".
What do you reckon, do I get the part? I thought that was pretty good, not my best work admittedly, but I haven't long got up. I haven't even had any breakfast, yet so there's room for improvement!
There's just a few little niggles that concern me about the ICO, nothing major though, insignificant really. If you could just address these teeny tiny issues, that would be great! That was my Lundberg impression! Did you like it?
1. You say you are not familiar with ICO's, but do not wish to take advice from people who deal with ICO's on a daily basis. You then state that you do not wish to conduct a conventional ICO, you thank us for our advice, but you want to do things your own way. That's a shame, I thought we were going with the full consensus? It even says so in your whitepaper! Oh well, I suppose you know best.
2. Your website, http://thefullconsensusfilms.com was registered 2 weeks ago for just 1 year, as was http://johndrumsentertainment.ru
This indicates that you have no plans for this to be a long term project, despite promising film royalties for 30 years. That's very disappointing Ivan, I mean we clearly have enough money for a few films, we've handed out around $1.5 billion in funding this year alone! We just don't know what to do with all this cash! We need people like you! Help us out dude, show a little faith! We're here for ya buddy!
3. You want to collect my email address to participate in your ICO, stating that by doing so I agree to my data being collected and processed as per your privacy policy, which cannot be found on your website. Needlessly collecting email addresses from Bitcoiners is very suspicious indeed. It also makes me very angry. Not Bruce Banner angry, but you still wouldn't like it. Grrrr!
4.You provide no links to your previous projects, and seem more concerned at generating marketing and media coverage through a bounty campaign. That's not very good is it, we need to see something dude. Show us your clapperboard at least! I bet you've got a digital one like Spielberg or Ridley Scott uses. You have, haven't you? There's no need to be shy, we don't bite!
5. A Google search of all 3 of your team members names reveals nothing about films. Hmm, well I kind of expected to find something regarding films, I mean you do make them after all. Oh well, no biggie, it's not a deal-breaker!
6. A Google search of your email address reveals nothing about films, instead we find something about a job in a beauty salon. https://translate.google.co.uk/translate?hl=en&sl=ru&u=https://www.jobinmoscow.ru/rab.php%3Fid%3D281437&prev=searchHang on a minute, what's this all about? Ahh, I know, you must be researching for your latest production! That's it isn't it? Are you doing a remake of Shampoo? Can I play Warren Beatty's character?
7. A Google search of your physical address reveals nothing about films, instead we find what is apparently a junkyard. https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/ul.+Suzdalskaya,+1,+Moskva,+Russia,+111673/@55.732366,37.8421443,413m/data=Hey now, what's going on here? You cant run a film production company from a junkyard, even I know that! The equipment will get all greasy, you'd spend all your time cleaning lenses! This isn't very professional at all Ivan, I thought you were serious about this project! You haven't been lying to us have you? Hmm? Yes, I think you might have been telling porky pies just to get some bitcoins. I'm very disappointed Ivan. This kind of thing would definitely send Bruce Banner into a rage. RRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!! Hulk Smash Ivan!!!!!! Destroy Fake Film!!!!!! Grrrrr!!!!!!
8. A search for the owners of the junkyard does not reveal the names of any of your team members. In fact it was suspiciously difficult to find the owners name, almost as if they do not want to be found. But I found it with my skills. I told you about my skills didn't I? You thought I was acting didn't you, but no, I really do have skills. I won't reveal the names here because I do not yet know if this is your real identity, or merely innocent victims caught up in your scam. But I will find out. I shall use my skills. Just as soon as I have eaten breakfast.
9. An image search for thefullconsensusfilms.com does not return any pictures of your team members. Neither does an image search for any of your names. Dammit Ivan, you're supposed to be a film producer. Who took those photos? Do you even have your own camera? You're a real letdown buddy, I thought I was going to be an actor. I'm really cheesed off now.
10. A reverse image search of your photos returns no results whatsoever. It seems that you have more experience in hiding than making films. Are you the Russian National Hide & Seek Champions? That's quite an achievement, you must be very proud. Did you win a trophy? Do you keep it in the junkyard? I will find it, and I will destroy it.
11. I spoke to one of your "partners" Blackmagic Design, who were quite surprised to learn of your partnership with them. Apparently they also know people with a very particular set of skills, skills reserved for people like you. I'm not sure if that means getting the Cyberpolice to backtrace you, but they definitely said that you done goofed. They seemed very keen in looking for you. I suspect that they will find you, and they will probably have you arrested. But they will not get your Hide & Seek trophy. That belongs to me.
