Hey guys, as part of my continued efforts to distribute free cryptocurrency content, here is my third weekly article featured on Reddit. To view it in all of its properly formatted glory go here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/CryptoCurrency/comments/77iqbv/satirical_mainstream_media_guide_to_writing_about/?st=j8z6nsiw&sh=261acd32Or, read it below!
In the coming weeks, we can be sure to know that many poorly equipped mainstream writers will need to write articles about the inevitable “crash” of bitcoin when the money goes back into alts. Are you one of those writers? Well, pull out your keyboard pads, because this is your unofficial guide to writing a generic bitcoin falls article!
Today, we’re going to cover the only part of your article that truly matters:
* The Title
Without a clickbait title your writing is completely worthless. Luckily, writing your bitcoin article’s title can be summed up in three simple steps.
* * Step One: Establishing that Bitcoin is Dying
Since your readers didn’t invest in bitcoin years ago and largely don’t understand it, you need to establish that bitcoin is really dead this time. A simple two or three word phrase at the beginning of your article will hook them.
The first word is ‘Bitcoin’.
The next word or words should mean something horrible and suggest downward movement. Some reasonable choices include: crashes, plummets, finally dies, screeches to a halt, bubble bursts. These took zero creativity on my part to come up with, so they should be safe choices. Your article should show as little thought as possible and stick to tired tropes, your viewers will feel unchallenged that way.
* * Step Two: The Insane “Facts”
Your audience knows more about forks than you think. They’re better than chopsticks, for example. Advanced users even know that you don’t have to hold them with your fist, and can - in fact - utilize a pencil-like grip for maximum dexterity and grace. Bitcoin forks, however, are too hard for them. Instead, use insane semi-factual information to create a reason. Remember, your audience probably wants bitcoin to die, or will be worried sick about it dying. These people click.
Russians are very popular right now, as well as the Chinese. Could Russian investors be to blame? The Chinese government? Of course they could! Work for CNN or Fox? Blame Trump in the title, or the ‘Deep State’ and “freeloading liberals”. Or, say it looks just like the tulip or orchid or whatever market from way back when. The best part about this is that it way over-simplifies the forces at play, meaning you don’t have to actually have any in-depth discussion of forks, dot-com bubbles, or technicalities of digital securities. Instead, you can pass off plants as cryptocurrency. And, you know, reiterate how they’re both going to the ground where they belong.
* * Step Three: The Picture
The picture shows your audience just how crazy bitcoin is! You have two options here. Use a highly generic picture of physical coins with the bitcoin symbol on them (Note: many of your readers will think that bitcoins are both physical coins and digital coins simultaneously, so this will play to your advantage!) or take a picture of a millennial hipster-type with bitcoin symbols nearby doing something CRAZY!! Running with a cape, the (in my opinion) now classic bottlecaps in the eyes pose, etc. It is common knowledge that the world of finance is predominated by young people and especially millennials!
Which reminds me: They killed napkins, why can’t they kill bitcoin? Great article idea, now go write it!
[ Upvotes all around to people that can find the EXACT thing I’m describing in this article! Link your favorites in the comments and be sure to tune in next week to Part 2!]
