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Author Topic: Jokes and funny stories  (Read 159 times)
sensay
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March 01, 2018, 06:16:26 PM
 #1

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber,
who was made by the Japanese, speaks English,
 looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man,
and grabs coins like a Jew!

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
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Jeremy O`Brein
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March 01, 2018, 06:21:07 PM
 #2

 Cheesy
sensay
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March 02, 2018, 06:45:27 PM
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Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.

The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.

''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.

''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''

And the Mother said, ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''
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March 02, 2018, 06:56:42 PM
 #4

LOL Grin Grin Grin
sensay
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March 03, 2018, 07:42:02 PM
 #5

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
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March 03, 2018, 07:43:48 PM
 #6

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
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March 03, 2018, 07:53:36 PM
 #7

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
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March 03, 2018, 09:17:46 PM
 #8

Lol.... Grin Grin Grin Grin
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March 03, 2018, 10:46:45 PM
 #9

Beautiful stories
I’m pleased
sensay
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March 05, 2018, 06:15:55 PM
 #10

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."


Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.


An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."


A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."
sensay
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March 07, 2018, 12:07:13 PM
 #11

Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?"

Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.

Yo' Mama is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.

Yo mamma is so white she makes the pilsbeary doe boy look like a Mexican.

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.

Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she ran away from home, her parents called the dog catcher.

Yo' Mama is so fat, she couldn't identify a picture of her feet.

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she left her home country, the population dropped by 10%.

Yo' Mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."

Yo' Mama's breath is so stanky, it's like her tongue farted.

Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.

Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a blue whale?
A: About 10 pounds.
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March 07, 2018, 12:25:44 PM
 #12

Quote
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

This one is really amazing! and true! girls are really girls and they will react on the thing they want even you are not done explaining it.
they are just like Amazon that you will be dead in front of your friends if you did not let them do what they want.
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March 07, 2018, 01:09:25 PM
 #13

An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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March 13, 2018, 06:27:50 PM
 #14

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."


sensay
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March 13, 2018, 06:30:40 PM
 #15

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”


A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
sensay
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March 13, 2018, 06:33:42 PM
 #16

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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March 13, 2018, 10:47:36 PM
 #17

What do you call a fish without an I?




FSH

"Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure." -Napolian Hill
-Andrew Land
MediaCoin Inc.
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March 14, 2018, 01:44:43 AM
 #18

A customer moves away from a bank window,
counts his change, and then goes back and says to
the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
           "Sir, you stepped away from the counter,"
said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after
you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank."
           "Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just
thought you'd like to know that you gave me an
extra twenty. Bye."
sensay
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March 17, 2018, 09:44:11 AM
 #19

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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March 17, 2018, 09:48:25 AM
 #20

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

For years I thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 'What are you doing for Tupac Shakur?' 'I don't know is that the one where you don't eat for 24 hours?' 'I think it's the one where you get shot in the face in Las Vegas.'

Steve Jobs was a great American. At his funeral his family made this elaborate tribute video and then it didn't work 'cause he needed Flash.

Bill Gates is so rich he hired cancer to kill Steve Jobs.
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