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Here are some stock standard jokes... Apologies if you are easily offended!!!
1) Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.' Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?''Never,' said Fred. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard....."Fred, wake up! You just shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
2) Dave was a doctor who was sleeping with some of his patients. Most of the time the little voice in his head was saying "its ok dave ur young n single and lots of doctors do it" other times the voice would say " for f.cks sake dave ur a vet!
3) I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips,
the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to
me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still f.cking celebrating!!
4) My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so f.cking angry! What sort of a sicko puts chloroform on her dirty knickers??
Mwahahahahaha
