The post looks quite big and I'm not sure newbies will stick around until the end.
You are right but I think that's not the point. Whether it was novel-like post or a one liner, you will read from start to end if you are really eager to learn. Yeah! I agree that OP's post is a little bit long (maybe that's how he convey ideas) but doing so means tolerating newbies' laziness somehow. If they can't read a few paragraphs then it's not our loss anymore. Persistence is an important part of learning
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Do cold wallets count? They are offline and you can store your bitcoin there.
No, I think it's the same. Hardware wallets does not contain your bitcoin but your private key. It keeps your private key away from any form of hacking so that you can open your address nice and smooth. (correct me if I'm wrong hehe)