Choosing between your relationship and gambling.

[Lida93]

There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

My cousin as I know has been an active gambler for as long as I could remember and he's one person that gamble responsibly as he takes it as something that's part of a side hustling and nothing more and he added that the winning streaks he has been getting has really been supportive to him financially too. I get to know this cause that's what he told me when I asked him why does he have to engage in online gambling when he has a good paying job. The disturbing issue here is that a day ago his fiancee whom both have been dating for about a year now, she for the first time had access into his mail and discovered lots of email messages both previous and current from the particular gambling sites he has a gambling account with and her awareness of this has made her to ask my cousin to either chose between quiting from engaging in any form of gambling or ending their relationship.
Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

[bittraffic]

Tell your cousin to stay away from that girl. 
They are not married yet but she acts like she lost everything. If she had not discovered those emails, she wouldn't be overreacting though.

However, she already wants your cousin to choose which. It gets worse if she could successfully makes your cousin choose her. This is capitalizing on your cousin's feeling over her. It's not gonna be surprising one day you might not be able to hang out with your cousin anymore because she says so.

[jackg]

Why does she care so much? A year sounds like a very quick engagement too but what does she want him to do with the money instead?

If he had no other use for the money, gambling with it might not be too bad a thing if he's got a good paying job anyway. Taking himself away from gambling too would be much healthier than having someone else make him do it.

It sounds like she's in it mostly for the money (that could just be how you've worded it but it does sounds like she's a problem).

[Silberman]

Tell your cousin to stay away from that girl. 
They are not married yet but she acts like she lost everything. If she had not discovered those emails, she wouldn't be overreacting though.

However, she already wants your cousin to choose which. It gets worse if she could successfully makes your cousin choose her. This is capitalizing on your cousin's feeling over her. It's not gonna be surprising one day you might not be able to hang out with your cousin anymore because she says so.

After thinking about it for a while I think the same, she is overreacting about the whole situation, if the cousin of the OP had a gambling problem this kind of ultimatum could make sense, but it seems that he is just like us, a person that enjoys gambling once in a while and nothing more, the fiance could have dealt with this in a more adult manner by talking to the cousin about it and discuss about the possibility of dropping his gambling hobby as a way to save money for the wedding or the kids they may have, but instead she immediately tried to leverage their relationship against the cousin and use it on her favor, and in my experience relationships like that never last, as the person making use of blackmail will keep doing so over and over again.

[Casdinyard]

There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

My cousin as I know has been an active gambler for as long as I could remember and he's one person that gamble responsibly as he takes it as something that's part of a side hustling and nothing more and he added that the winning streaks he has been getting has really been supportive to him financially too. I get to know this cause that's what he told me when I asked him why does he have to engage in online gambling when he has a good paying job. The disturbing issue here is that a day ago his fiancee whom both have been dating for about a year now, she for the first time had access into his mail and discovered lots of email messages both previous and current from the particular gambling sites he has a gambling account with and her awareness of this has made her to ask my cousin to either chose between quiting from engaging in any form of gambling or ending their relationship.
Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

Both make good points actually, but are innately wrong at their own right as well. For instance, your cousin doesn't have to gamble religiously, even if he's what you can consider as someone who's a responsible gambler. Dishing out hundreds of dollars on a regular basis all for gambling is a little detrimental especially when it stockpiles, so I can see why the girl is concerned that your cousin might've been addicted already. In any case, the woman is also making a valid point here, although It is worth noting that for instance, the girl is actively controlling your cousin's life. This is not a good sign of a woman that you'd want to stay with for the rest of your life, as you'd find yourself eventually wrapped around her finger controlled by her every directive with no active motivation of your own. Also, she's speaking from a previous experience, which is not to say that she could be right, but is something that's giving the idea of someone who's traumatized in one way or another.

All in all, I'd have the two people discuss this matter clear-headed and with no biases involved. If they wish to carry on with the relationship, few compromises must be made by both parties. If they decided to part ways, that works too.

[CryptoHeadlineNews]

Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

First, I will say that this is a very small issue, and it boils down to understanding, because in as much as most people gambles irresponsibly to the point of selling personal belongings just to satisfy their gambling urge, we have got few others who only gambles for pleasure & fun, and most especially sport lovers, as that's the only way through which they derive their joy.
So what I will personally advise is for your cousin to sit his girlfriend down and try to make her understand that in as much as he gambles once in a while, that it's equally been an extra source of income for him, and he is a responsible gamble who loves her and values there relationship, and as such will always place her first before any other gambling needs.
Because gambling shouldn't be a reason why a man let go of his relationship with someone he love, as every issue can always be settled through meaningful conversation.

[Rruchi man]

I understand the concerns that your cousin's fiancee has, to marry a gambler who is out of control is a big scare for her because she has closely experienced how uncomfortable it is to put up with someone who has gambling disorder. She is in need of reassurance that your cousin who she is about to get married to will not turn out the same way. Your cousin can do that easily by letting her understand that people are different and handle gambling differently. He should be sincere with her and not try to fool her into believing that he has stopped it when he hasn't, that will be bad.

If it gets to the point where he has to choose between gambling and his relationship, that decision is up to him to make, but personally I do not think people that do not want to stop gambling can be forced or cajoled into stoping gambling. People stop gambling when they personally make the decision to quit.

[Issa56]

I think they just have to seat and talk about it, actually from the girl's experience I won't blame her for asking the boyfriend to stop gambling, she is scared maybe later in future her boyfriend will also be addicted to gambling and might endup doing things which will affect the both of them.

Also if the guy is not addicted to gambling, then I don't think anything is bad in gambling, but some people will be addicted but they will alway denial that they are addicted, he might not be addicted currently but later in future he might become addicted. If you are gambling to make money then that's really bad because you will easily get addicted, but if you are gambling for fun, I don't see anything bad in gambling.

[electronicash]

women's dream is to change someone to be a better man. i suspect the gambling issue is not just what they have been arguing about.
if this is an ultimatum to your cousin then that's it. women wouldn't want your cousin to go deeper into gambling so she makes it a big deal.

it's all up to your cousin though. i suggest listing the advantage and disadvantages when your cousin is with this woman and then he can come up with his decision. if he loves the woman more than anything, he'd choose her.

but tell you, he will still gamble and will make it very private by doing it on the 2nd phone.

[ralle14]

It's understandable when your cousin's fiance doesn't want to take any chances and prefers to cut the issue by threatening their relationship. But at the same time, I don't see anything wrong with gambling as a side job as long as your cousin knows his limits which you already mentioned. It's not easy to tell if the relationship is worth saving but if i'm in his position i'd probably cut the relationship unless the fiance is willing to discuss it even further until we reach an agreement and convince her that it shouldn't be an issue by allowing her to track my spending habits as an example.

[Hispo]

Messy situation, however, from my personal point of view (regardless of her pasts experiences) she should not treat him that way and give him such a hard ultimatum. People are not the same and gamblers are not the same and if he has proven himself to be a responsible partner when comes to money, then this is rather an irrational fear whose origin has nothing to do with your cousin.

But that is just my opinion.

The worst part is that even if your cousin decided to quit gambling forever, there is a small chance she would continue to monitor his online activities as a married couple...

[uneng]

Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

She has to understand her boyfriend isn't her brother. Just because her brother has an addiction problem with gambling, it doesn't mean every other individuals in the world are going to have problems with gambling as well. It's understandable she is traumatized with the situation, but she is the one who needs help to overcome this, just like her brother needs help overcoming his gambling addiction. But as long as the boyfriend's gambling routine is healthy and controlled, there isn't any issues with him on this story, therefore he shouldn't change his hobbies because other people's personal conflicts.

[rahmad2nd]

I understand the concerns that your cousin's fiancee has, to marry a gambler who is out of control is a big scare for her because she has closely experienced how uncomfortable it is to put up with someone who has gambling disorder. She is in need of reassurance that your cousin who she is about to get married to will not turn out the same way. Your cousin can do that easily by letting her understand that people are different and handle gambling differently. He should be sincere with her and not try to fool her into believing that he has stopped it when he hasn't, that will be bad.

If it gets to the point where he has to choose between gambling and his relationship, that decision is up to him to make, but personally I do not think people that do not want to stop gambling can be forced or cajoled into stoping gambling. People stop gambling when they personally make the decision to quit.

Good point. yes, we agree. it would be very natural, when someone feels worried, especially in this case the woman is his fiancé. no woman wants her life to be miserable, especially when she marries a gambling addict. I really understand what the fiancé of the OP's cousin feels. anyway, as you said. marrying a gambler who is out of control is the biggest fear for women, especially if he also has the same history in relation to the closest people around him.

In the OP's story, the fiancé has a brother who has compulsive gambler tendencies. I will not blame the woman, just like you said. that the woman has the right to be assured that her future husband will not act in the same way as her brother. the point is, OP's cousin should make a wise choice. it's not nice, if the cousin leaves his fiancé only about gambling problems. supposedly, there is mutual trust built by the two partners so that it does not cause further turmoil in the future.

[fullhdpixel]

women's dream is to change someone to be a better man. i suspect the gambling issue is not just what they have been arguing about.
if this is an ultimatum to your cousin then that's it. women wouldn't want your cousin to go deeper into gambling so she makes it a big deal.

it's all up to your cousin though. i suggest listing the advantage and disadvantages when your cousin is with this woman and then he can come up with his decision. if he loves the woman more than anything, he'd choose her.

but tell you, he will still gamble and will make it very private by doing it on the 2nd phone.

I don't think that was their dream but I think the real one that women's dream is to have a better/fabulous life because we know them, they are just girls. A man is the opposite of it. A good man don't need to be reminded to change but they will change own their own because they want a strong relationship with their partner and their family if they already have kids.

I don't see anything wrong with the OP's cousin but he seem to look responsible at all. The problem is with the girl. If I am his cousin I think I will feel annoyed already and maybe I will be the one to leave that girl long time ago. If a woman truly loves the guy then she will respect all of his decisions in life.

[virasisog]

A year will never be enough to get to know a person really well and I don't think their love for each other already has a strong foundation. Deciding to get married that early will surely have doubts along thr way as they discover each other's weaknesses.
As for me, it isn't a reason enough to leave a person because he is into gambling especially if you're committed to that person. You must not compare him to other gamblers as long as you don't know how he deals with gambling. Instead of dragging the person down, he should get to know him well first because there are still worse things that they could discover about each other along the way.

[Woodie]

There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

It should never get to this!

My cousin as I know has been an active gambler for as long as I could remember and he's one person that gamble responsibly as he takes it as something that's part of a side hustling and nothing more

The key word here is responsible gambling and if it's there this shouldn't be a problem! BTW why is it that people don't imbrace the skeletons their better halfs have than trying to change them when they settle together???

 

and he added that the winning streaks he has been getting has really been supportive to him financially too.

Clearly the brother here needs the money for some peace of mind and maybe that's the only fan he might be getting...

I get to know this cause that's what he told me when I asked him why does he have to engage in online gambling when he has a good paying job.

This might not always be as we assume, maybe he has loans and other liabilities like supporting the family and this is one way he has found a way to raise the extra cash.. forget the well paying job, like they say "more money more problems!"

The disturbing issue here is that a day ago his fiancee whom both have been dating for about a year now, she for the first time had access into his mail and discovered lots of email messages both previous and current from the particular gambling sites he has a gambling account with and her awareness of this has made her to ask my cousin to either chose between quiting from engaging in any form of gambling or ending their relationship.

Why all this pressure when they aren't even married and btw, when you go out looking for trouble.. I guarantee you that you will find it and here the fiancée found it! And in whatever relationship, I think boundaries deliberately need to be there for ones peace of mind... Its not worth it trying to bring all walls down to have transparency through out.

Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge.

If this is true, case closed responsible gambling doesn't exist.

[madnessteat]

If a guy cares about a relationship with this girl, of course he'll choose her, but that doesn't mean he has to stop gambling.

In my opinion their problem is that this guy hid his hobby from the girl and she found out not from him, thus he lost his trust. Things would have worked out differently if he hadn't hidden it from her. I think he should give the girl the choice and let her decide what she really wants.

[Fivestar4everMVP]

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

For me, i would say that it all depends on the lady in question, as a married man myself, i can tell you from experience that, there are woman that are worth sacrificing anything for (aside life), and there are other women that are worth sacrificing absolutely nothing for.
And the above is something only your cousin knows, if the lady is the type he can sacrifice anything for just to keep her love and his love for her going, then he should go ahead and stop gambling for now, for the sake of peace, he can continue later, but for now, he should just take a break while he use this time to really educate the lady the different types of gamblers and make her understand the kind of gambler he really is.

But on the other hand, if the lady is not worth the sacrifice, then if I were him, I will just keep gambling, if she really can not bear my love for gambling, then she should go ahead and end the relationship, after all, she's not my wife yet.  

[Fortify]

There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

My cousin as I know has been an active gambler for as long as I could remember and he's one person that gamble responsibly as he takes it as something that's part of a side hustling and nothing more and he added that the winning streaks he has been getting has really been supportive to him financially too. I get to know this cause that's what he told me when I asked him why does he have to engage in online gambling when he has a good paying job. The disturbing issue here is that a day ago his fiancee whom both have been dating for about a year now, she for the first time had access into his mail and discovered lots of email messages both previous and current from the particular gambling sites he has a gambling account with and her awareness of this has made her to ask my cousin to either chose between quiting from engaging in any form of gambling or ending their relationship.
Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

There's a couple factors that might play into this situation. Firstly, when they first met did he exhibit and share this same behavior, because if he did then trying to change him - even if his gambling addiction is destructive - is unlikely to work. He will need to reach a certain low in life where he realizes that gambling is something he cannot control and something that is not beneficial to his future success. It's only him that can deep down change and stop this activity if it's damaging. If he is selling off and consistently losing money on a large scale then he is willing to lose it all chasing some futile dream. It's a tragedy but she would probably do best for both of them if she left, there is a slight chance it might be enough to snap him out of it, because he may end up dragging both of them down in the long run

[dothebeats]

I'd say cut the crap about "getting better for your partner" thing because if your cousin is a responsible gambler and has no other hobby other than gambling, his girlfriend/fiancee has no right to tell him what to do. It's his money after all because they are not married yet, plus she has no proof of your cousin losing too much money and being irresponsible with money and just based her accusation on her own experience with another person completely unrelated and unknown to your cousin. She's too quick to jump into conclusions and personally, I wouldn't want to have a partner like that. I've been gambling for years, and never have I lost an amount that I regret losing because of this activity. She could easily worded things differently, but she chose to jump the gun and immediately come up with the conclusion that your cousin might screw up because one of her family members did. That's just toxic and uncalled for IMO.