Can a child bond with parents be distorted due to distance?

[IjawMan]

I was in the barbershop this morning to get a nice haircut for a wedding I will be attending tomorrow Saturday, there will be old time friends I'll meet with there and it is gonna be loud. On waiting for my time seated I shifted my attention listening to the conversation between the two men that were having their haircut while we were waiting for our time.There was a sense of familiarity between them in the mode they talk, one of the men was telling the other man about his relative that requested to take in one of his child to come live with him and which the relative will be responsible in covering for the child upkeeps and train the child in school all through the time the child will be living with him. He added, that the relative offered to do this to help alleviate the financial load on him due to his family size.

In response, the other man who listened passionately as the man was telling him this told him not to accept it and his reason specifically was that the child will lose bond with the father and the relative that the child will grow up with will be the one to have that bond instead. A lack of bond that when the child becomes an adult it will make the child not carry his biological father  with much love and much important than the relative the child will live and grow with. That the man should not do it and should instead hold all his children, struggle with the burden of taking care of them all even if it kills him.

It was deep for me listening to their conversation and I thought of bringing it to the community to get the thoughts and opinions of parents the community this. Are there  parents with similar experience, tell us what you think. Will you for fear of losing bond with your child living to grow up with another relative refuse to release your child syc to you knowing that the child will be having a better life and education over there.

[franky1]

its basically fostering/adopting.. and yes ofcourse the kid will get a psych complex, not understanding why the father gave him up.. other issues to that are, why him and not a certain other sibling, why was he singled out .. EG was he the ugly duckling of the family, the black sheep, the defect. so the animosity can grow not just for the father but of his siblings too.

you see it in many scenarios.. such as divorce where kids stay with the mother, but the father then goes on to start a new family, the kid has step siblings but doesnt get the same attention from the father as the stepkids get. where he is left feeling like he is not a real child of the father, nor a true brother to the other siblings

as for the bonding. well if the foster relative is doing all the parental duties like giving life advice, providing meals, getting them ready and settled for bed each night. ofcourse the parental bond wont be there with the natural parent and child.. this can also affect the childs ideologies, interests and behaviour, becasue the child is observing the ideologies and interests of the foster relative not the natural parents interests.

its other things too.. like here in the UK we have many boarding schools for international students, so whereby there are many chinese students whoms parents  interests at their younger age of school were in the professions(law/medicine) and arts(orchestra).. the UK schools have more after-school curriculum/activities based on sports.. so what do you think the kid will develop an interest in. the answer is to play rugby/football/cricket more so than a violin. so the parental bond detaches that way too

[Akbarkoe]

This is very likely to happen, because a child not only needs adequate facilities to support their growth and development, but also needs touch, attention, and affection from both parents. When a child is separated from their parents and lives with other people, even if they are close relatives, the child may still remember their parents, but their respect and affection for them will fade over time while living with their adoptive parents, because that attention and affection will be replaced by the attention and affection of their adoptive parents. There are two possibilities that can cause children to continue to remember their parents. The first may be a longing for the touch and affection of their biological parents, while the second may be hatred because they think their parents are cruel for giving their children to others.

Children are a gift from God and the pride of the family. When we have children, God trusts us to take care of them. And if we cannot provide our children with material wealth, then we should shower them with as much affection and love as possible. This will be something that children will remember forever, even after we are gone.

[uneng]

I think so, because bond is built through daily experience one people have with another. If there isn't coexistence, there can't be bond. Virtual devices can help on this matter, through video calls, but I guess it's not the same thing... It's useful to see the other person when they are far away, but if this distance is constant, at some point the bond won't remain strong like before.

There must be exceptions, though. We can't generalize, especially when we don't know for real what is the reason behind that distance. It can be for negligence, careless or it can be for necessity, like the parent having to work abroad, for an example.

[franky1]

There must be exceptions, though. We can't generalize, especially when we don't know for real what is the reason behind that distance. It can be for negligence, careless or it can be for necessity, like the parent having to work abroad, for an example.

we cant generalise all peoples experience, but based on the story/scenario of this topic. we can atleast use different scenario's to atleast build up an idea of the possible outcomes for that one scenario described

for instance even though its said the natural parents just financially cannot support the extra child(not a physical/disability rejection plot, but purely financial). we can say there might remain a emotional bond if the parent/child stays in communication daily to talk about school, friends, girlfriends so the child gets life advice from natural parents and stays involved in decisions.
however when its said the relative becomes responsible for education, raising, feeding, clothing, life advice, medical proxy and all daily activities. meaning all decisions made by the adopting relative, then it can mean less communication/involvement on daily life by the natural parents

we can then use other scenarios such as in divorces where a child is sole custody of one parent where communication lacks with the second parent in regards to daily life, advice, relationship tips, education, even medical decisions and knowledge of the childs wellbeing, which there are many public sources of information documented of outcomes of children of one parent families and the relationship with the 'absent' father

in essence the outcome may become similar to the "deadbeat dad" scenario, such as the relative raising the kid could be plotting subliminal messages that the natural father is a deadbeat for not providing financial support, not making scheduled visits, not wishing to make an effort to correct the naturals father errors in life to get the kid back.. basically turning the kid against the natural parent

[passwordnow]

The biological father understands that his child will have a better life if he's allowing that to happen. But, it's true that his expense will be losing the bond with the child. And with what I've seen in the same scenario, whoever the child grown up with will have the stronger bond. Although this can be talked to but usuall foster parents will try to go away from the bio dad so that they can keep the child and it will be theirs and their whereabouts will be unknown. That's one risk, so if the bio dad can't sacrifice to provide the needs of their child, he'll suffer that loneliness in the future.

[IjawMan]

This is very likely to happen, because a child not only needs adequate facilities to support their growth and development, but also needs touch, attention, and affection from both parents. When a child is separated from their parents and lives with other people, even if they are close relatives, the child may still remember their parents, but their respect and affection for them will fade over time while living with their adoptive parents, because that attention and affection will be replaced by the attention and affection of their adoptive parents. There are two possibilities that can cause children to continue to remember their parents. The first may be a longing for the touch and affection of their biological parents, while the second may be hatred because they think their parents are cruel for giving their children to others.

Parents are known to make immeasurable sacrifices for their children, and they do just anything to make better the life of their kids beyond what life they had for themselves. Children can not process this as they are still kids with immaturity of thoughts. Only when they come of age and begin to think like adults maybe by then they will have an understanding  to appreciate the parents decision in the absence of the touch of affections and the parent-and-child-time that was replaced by the foster care giver (relative).

Children are a gift from God and the pride of the family. When we have children, God trusts us to take care of them. And if we cannot provide our children with material wealth, then we should shower them with as much affection and love as possible. This will be something that children will remember forever, even after we are gone.

The biological parents can facilitate an approach he can use to service the bond between him and the child by periodically requesting for the child to come spend the holidays periods with him and siblings. In that way the bond do not get fractured as it should where the child and father do not have that time together at all which could have retained the affection of the child with the biological parent all th child life.

There must be exceptions, though. We can't generalize, especially when we don't know for real what is the reason behind that distance. It can be for negligence, careless or it can be for necessity, like the parent having to work abroad, for an example.

we cant generalise all peoples experience, but based on the story/scenario of this topic. we can atleast use different scenario's to atleast build up an idea of the possible outcomes for that one scenario described

franky1 I love the contribution you made in your first comment, it brought out a lot I was not thinking of earlier.

And yeah, it is okay to offload possible different scenarios to shape an idea with the topic. In this scenario I was thinking it is for necessity. With the financial load of responsibility of the man weighed above his finances necessitated the request from the relative who is affluent to empower the child with the tools for a better future than what the parents can facilitate.

Normally, frequent calling and recurring visiting of the child with gifts can be handy in keeping the bond

[o48o]

I was in the barbershop this morning to get a nice haircut for a wedding I will be attending tomorrow Saturday, there will be old time friends I'll meet with there and it is gonna be loud. On waiting for my time seated I shifted my attention listening to the conversation between the two men that were having their haircut while we were waiting for our time.There was a sense of familiarity between them in the mode they talk, one of the men was telling the other man about his relative that requested to take in one of his child to come live with him and which the relative will be responsible in covering for the child upkeeps and train the child in school all through the time the child will be living with him. He added, that the relative offered to do this to help alleviate the financial load on him due to his family size.

In response, the other man who listened passionately as the man was telling him this told him not to accept it and his reason specifically was that the child will lose bond with the father and the relative that the child will grow up with will be the one to have that bond instead. A lack of bond that when the child becomes an adult it will make the child not carry his biological father  with much love and much important than the relative the child will live and grow with. That the man should not do it and should instead hold all his children, struggle with the burden of taking care of them all even if it kills him.

It was deep for me listening to their conversation and I thought of bringing it to the community to get the thoughts and opinions of parents the community this. Are there  parents with similar experience, tell us what you think. Will you for fear of losing bond with your child living to grow up with another relative refuse to release your child syc to you knowing that the child will be having a better life and education over there.

Sure, but i would go with the route that benefits the child most. Child can have a bond with the person who is raising them, but how is that bad for them? To me it sounds like it would benefit all parties.

But my answer would depend on how old is the child and how far this relative is living. Because jealousy / envy of the father for that other bond can't be the only thing determining what's best for everyone.

Also if that father wants, he can frequently visit and take the child for holidays if it's possible.

[Spaceman1000$]

The parents should take care of their children so they could easily build bonds together wether good or bad situation. as uncle to the children, you can do well to assist the parents financially by passing the children the school fees when the need arises, send them money once once for upkeep, and a whole lot more. But outrightly taking the kids away from their parents is what I wouldn't endorse, nobody is in a better place to take care of a child than his parent. as a relative your support will be notice by both the parents and the children if you assist them.

[IjawMan]

The parents should take care of their children so they could easily build bonds together wether good or bad situation. as uncle to the children, you can do well to assist the parents financially by passing the children the school fees when the need arises, send them money once once for upkeep, and a whole lot more. But outrightly taking the kids away from their parents is what I wouldn't endorse, nobody is in a better place to take care of a child than his parent. as a relative your support will be notice by both the parents and the children if you assist them.

You have made a captivating argument I wish to agree with for a relative who passionately wants to assist a brother man will want to extend the help regardless the child still lives with the biological parent. On the contrary to your compelling position I'm having it on a different thought that  this approach of sending the child fees to the parent will not last long relative to when the child living with the relative. And this is not only about paying the child school fees but taking care of the whole well-being beyond her school fees which is part of the burden bore by the parent.

[Y3shot]

In response, the other man who listened passionately as the man was telling him this told him not to accept it and his reason specifically was that the child will lose bond with the father and the relative that the child will grow up with will be the one to have that bond instead. A lack of bond that when the child becomes an adult it will make the child not carry his biological father  with much love and much important than the relative the child will live and grow with. That the man should not do it and should instead hold all his children, struggle with the burden of taking care of them all even if it kills him.

It is difficult for a child who has already known the parents to lose the bond or not have close relationships with parents even if they no longer live together. Losing a bond or relationship between children and parents only happens to those who are still very young and have not been with their parents for a long time.

The relationship between children and parents is not like that of friends or other family relatives. The relationship between children and parents lasts forever, irrespective of the number of years they have stayed away from each other.

[Berry2d]

Distance is a very important factor to consider in our day to day activities and must never be neglected no matter the circumstances attached. In relationship, distance is one of the reasons behind poor communication and poor bonding between the both parties involved and can be reduced once that is minimise, the same is also applicable in father to children relationship from onset. When a man have time for his family it indirectly increases the level of love existing among them that can in turn reduced when he is far from them so distance helps in regulating parental bonding.

[GiftedMAN]

Personally I see no need to send any of my kids to go stay with  my older siblings or any member of my family my reasons may not be because of the bond or love but I don't think any member of my family can give my kids the kind of training that will be given to them when they stay with me. No matter the love and respect your family members have towards you they can't channel that love to your kids they will one day decide to treat them unequally with their kids so he they are paying their school fees and taking care of every expense you should be paying as the father.

Your kids can go to visit during the holidays and return but giving them out shows a lot of irresponsible behaviors from the parents, child control is possible kindly give birth to the number of kids you can take care of.

[Promocodeudo]

Personally I see no need to send any of my kids to go stay with  my older siblings or any member of my family my reasons may not be because of the bond or love but I don't think any member of my family can give my kids the kind of training that will be given to them when they stay with me. No matter the love and respect your family members have towards you they can't channel that love to your kids they will one day decide to treat them unequally with their kids so he they are paying their school fees and taking care of every expense you should be paying as the father.

Your kids can go to visit during the holidays and return but giving them out shows a lot of irresponsible behaviors from the parents, child control is possible kindly give birth to the number of kids you can take care of.

Very interesting point you layed out here, some people may not know this or will I say they know but because of the way the see things they feel that their brother or sister can actually give their kids the exact love they give to their direct kids, this is never possible no matter how pretend about this individually, we know things don't work that way, it is a practical thing and we know it, personally I won't even kick such situation, I can only allow my kids to visit whoever with the company of my wife or me and the only thing that will make them sleep outside my house is either they are with their mother or there something urgent they went, I had some experience in the past which I won't like my children to experience such.

[Dunamisx]

As parents, we should learn from the mistakes our own guardian made during their time and try to avoid same from repeating itself, we should not leave our responsibility for others to take care of them, we should always get prepared for it and then make the necessary and important efforts in raising our children with a better future, than neglecting them together with the responsibilities for others to take care for us, some children may not  forget and forgive us for leaving them behind for others to take care, which is one of the major causes to breaking ties between a child and the parent.

[Ndabagi01]

It was deep for me listening to their conversation and I thought of bringing it to the community to get the thoughts and opinions of parents the community this. Are there  parents with similar experience, tell us what you think. Will you for fear of losing bond with your child living to grow up with another relative refuse to release your child syc to you knowing that the child will be having a better life and education over there.

The reason for them to foster the child and take care of his upkeep was explicitly said and it’s not bad seeing someone wanting to take care some of your financial burden if you’re finding it hard to cater for the child and others, including the family basic needs. I feel it should get to some extent before you’ll settle for such because of the nature of how our society is turning into. When your child is away from you, exactly the close bond between the parent and the child will be reduced and will go to the parent that fosters them.

Depending on the nature of the parents that are fostering your child will depend on how your child will act towards you in the future. They play a vital role on how the child will join relationship with closed and far relatives. If you’re not that broke and can cater for your child as you should to the best of your ability, allowing them to be fostered out is not something you should do. Only you can take better control and care for your children as you best want.

[POPOLUV]

Yes a child bond with his parents can be distorted due to distance, because as a child that is still in his/her growth stage which is the earliest stage of the child life he can be able to acknowledge the his real parents, so therefore the child can only bond with the person he grow with ever if the real parents will be review later run, the bond such a child we have for person that raised him/her will not compare to the real parents while they were in a far distance, so it very good and advisable for a parents should always be there for there child not only for the creation of bond between them but raising the child in the ways he/she should grow to brighten their future.

[Hispo]

I suppose it depends whom you ask and the culture you belong to, in my opinion.
There are households here in Latinamerica in which parents actually encourage their children to move out the home as soon as possible and make their own life with their own family. In my case, we have a family which is pretty much welcoming and does not have a problem with having children to live together with the rest of the family well into adulthood.
In north America is pretty much the opposite and living with ones parents is often seen as a negative tag for most of young adults in USA and Canada.

[Fiatless]

You have made a captivating argument I wish to agree with for a relative who passionately wants to assist a brother man will want to extend the help regardless the child still lives with the biological parent. On the contrary to your compelling position I'm having it on a different thought that  this approach of sending the child fees to the parent will not last long relative to when the child living with the relative. And this is not only about paying the child school fees but taking care of the whole well-being beyond her school fees which is part of the burden bore by the parent.

In my tradition, it is also expected that the child you are taking care of will also assist you at home with simple domestic work. I am not talking about slavery but the relative will be more committed to covering the child's expenses if he is in his house. I wouldn't mind sending my child to live with a relative but such a person would be special. I have a brother-in-law I know would be a better father than I. Some children are also good to be sent to a boarding house or live with a relative because of their behavior. However, it is ideal for parents to raise their children.   

[Bigjoe33]

I was in the barbershop this morning to get a nice haircut for a wedding I will be attending tomorrow Saturday, there will be old time friends I'll meet with there and it is gonna be loud. On waiting for my time seated I shifted my attention listening to the conversation between the two men that were having their haircut while we were waiting for our time.There was a sense of familiarity between them in the mode they talk, one of the men was telling the other man about his relative that requested to take in one of his child to come live with him and which the relative will be responsible in covering for the child upkeeps and train the child in school all through the time the child will be living with him. He added, that the relative offered to do this to help alleviate the financial load on him due to his family size.

In response, the other man who listened passionately as the man was telling him this told him not to accept it and his reason specifically was that the child will lose bond with the father and the relative that the child will grow up with will be the one to have that bond instead. A lack of bond that when the child becomes an adult it will make the child not carry his biological father  with much love and much important than the relative the child will live and grow with. That the man should not do it and should instead hold all his children, struggle with the burden of taking care of them all even if it kills him.

It was deep for me listening to their conversation and I thought of bringing it to the community to get the thoughts and opinions of parents the community this. Are there  parents with similar experience, tell us what you think. Will you for fear of losing bond with your child living to grow up with another relative refuse to release your child syc to you knowing that the child will be having a better life and education over there.

In my own opinion, I would say it depends on the age of the child that will be leaving with them. The age of the child determines what the child thinks of knows. A child that is taken to live with another either a relative or anyone else at an early age, let's say 0-5 years will surely have a distorted bond with the biological parents because what's forms the child's thinking is those she stays with and the environment she finds herself.so at this situation, love is transferred to the person taking care of her because she grew up seeing such a man or family as the real family.

On the other hand, a child up to 10 years and above or even slightly below 10 already knows his/her real parents. They already bonded and used to each other. Such a child also will know the reason for going out to stay with another family before going out. So in this scenario, I don't see love or bond been distorted. Such a child will always be grateful to the other family and maybe even refer to them as her 2nd family but still retains the position of her first family. For me, it all depends age and also the role of the biological parents. Are they responsible parents, do they call to check up on her while she is away, even though they can't take care of her, do they act like parents like showing little care and attention like trying to see her? All these helps to form in the mind of the child who her real parents are and tends to sharpen her mindset