Fairness or entitlement? A 50/50 household chores.

[IjawMan]

I bumped into a post on Reddit a husband complaining about his full time stay at home wife demanding the man stands fully firm to his financial responsibility to his family and as well share a 50/50 household chores responsibilities with her after he returns from work.

Any loving husband knows he'd have to support his wife with house chores when he can without being told. Not the wife demanding for an equal share of the house chores with the husband  after returning from an intensive long hours job.


I repeat, I bumped on the post on Reddit, as an interesting topic which collides with parenting I got inclined to share it in the forum, to know what the parents on this community thinks. Is the wife acting selfish? Is the husband using his job as excuse to avoid sharing in the house chores or what?

[caroasi]

This should have been known far in advance of the marriage. The man would be expected to say "I'll be handling the trash, and you'll do every single other chore there is, as does happen in a healthy marriage. You were supposed to know how marriage is expected to work before you got married." This is not directly about being traditional at all. This is about implied contracts. If a term is not stated in a contract, that leaves it implied. It is implied for a marriage that the lady cooks and cleans, and that the man provides the house and brings home all the resources needed. Whether or not someone likes tradition, tradition is what sets implied terms of contracts.

It likely was much worse for the women in the past where they'd likely have to do all the chores and do a lot of other works too as it was a might-makes-right world where men had the might.

[franky1]

You were supposed to know how marriage is expected to work before you got married

for people never being married before, they are not supposed to magically know how marriage works.. thats the fun part, both being together to figure it out... and no, thinking about it like a contract does not work either

its about finding someone you LOVE, someone who wants to be with you possibly forever, and both of your needs, desires, decisions unite where you actually like and can put up with each other. this means COMMUNICATION and finding a good match

by this, if one side wants to be a stay at home parent. then you both have a TALK about the share of responsibilities towards keeping a home safe, clean and paid for

This is about implied contracts. If a term is not stated in a contract, that leaves it implied.

its not contractual.. its a loving talk of mutual benefit. to enjoy a peaceful, safe, clean home thats paid for. its not pen-to-paper of commitments, terms and conditions,

if you cant discuss this with each other, then your not really compatible or mutual of your needs, desires, decisions of life. so not a good standing for a long term relationship,  so not a good match

if you only imagine a relationship as a contract, or that its a females job to be at home. then you obviously never had a real loving relationship, and instead just have/plan for a live-in maid/nanny/au pair on duty

you usually learn about each others RELATIONSHIP needs before marriage. EG if one side makes their own food when you are sleeping over for a night but doesnt offer you any, then expect that to continue(not good). if they are making you a meal at the same time as themselves without even asking, then thats the expectation too(good)

..
if your contracted live-in maid/butler has stopped doing their duties. maybe think to yourself they are performing a work-strike-action, in response to something crappy you said or done to them prior, whereby they feel like punishing you for whatever crappy thing or way you treated them already.. so sort your own side out first and dont treat them as a servant


..
its about communication, understanding and mutual benefit. not contract
for instance no two days are the same. one day your kid might be really sick and needs attention 99% of the time and not 50:50 child:chores
and so some chores may get left, whereby the stinkiest still need to get done before the smell get worse and encourages flies in the home.
so yes its acceptable for the stay at home parent to ask the working parent if they dont mind putting the trash out or watching the kid whilst the stay at home parent does some chores

[Kiddo15]

Married people should know how to manage each other when it comes to house chores, it shouldn't be 50/50 with the chores when it comes to the man, the man should help out in terms of fairness and not compulsion. The long hours the man spends at work is enough to drain his energy, so if he comes back tired, will you force those chores at him, of course no. They can both communicate explicitly on kind of chores they both can share, as for the man, his chores should be those he can do easily after coming back from work.

[Donneski]

Personally, I'm looking at both sides of the debate and I think they're both understandable. A stay-at-home spouse often feels their work isn’t valued because there’s no paycheck attached so wanting chores split more equally can be a way of saying “see me, acknowledge what I do.”

On the other hand, a partner who spends 8–10 hours outside working to keep the household financially stable may feel drained and unfairly judged if they’re expected to do another 50% at home.

 The answer probably lies in communication rather than percentages. What chores stress the wife the most? Which of the tasks at home can the husband realistically take over? Finding that balance matters more than sticking to 50/50 because fairness isn’t always about the same numbers, it’s about both people feeling respected and supported.

[Agbamoni]

When the man is providing everything the house needs and also gives the woman whatever she desire, I think the best thing the woman can do is to take care of the home by doing the simple house chores. Most of the time the man is not home, the only thing she does for the man is to do the dishes and the laundry. With the help of a dish washer and laundry machine, it wont take more than 3 hours to be done.

In this example, the man has understanding but the woman lacks it. I would say she shouldn't be in that marriage. If I were to be the man, Ill file for a divorce after trying to tell her the right thing.

[Pi-network314159]

I bumped into a post on Reddit a husband complaining about his full time stay at home wife demanding the man stands fully firm to his financial responsibility to his family and as well share a 50/50 household chores responsibilities with her after he returns from work.

That is really outrageous, I can't emagine my wife asking me to shear house chores equally with her after a long day at work, when she can't afford anything. Well I guess this news of yours may be coming from the other part of the continent but not in Africa. Because in Africa women don't detect for us what to do.

I got inclined to share it in the forum, to know what the parents on this community thinks. Is the wife acting selfish?

Although there is nothing wrong if the husband helps the wife in doing house chores but it shouldn't be a thing of force. i don't know if the husband in question do help atol or not, but whatever be the case the wife don't have right to detect how the family should go because it's not her duty except she want to go home.

Is the husband using his job as excuse to avoid sharing in the house chores or what?

It could possibly be that the man is not helping the wife thats why she is demanding for equal shearing formula. But whatever it is, even if the fault is from the man, the woman has no right to demand for shearing of house chores.

[IjawMan]

This should have been known far in advance of the marriage. The man would be expected to say "I'll be handling the trash, and you'll do every single other chore there is, as does happen in a healthy marriage. You were supposed to know how marriage is expected to work before you got married." This is not directly about being traditional at all. This is about implied contracts. If a term is not stated in a contract, that leaves it implied. It is implied for a marriage that the lady cooks and cleans, and that the man provides the house and brings home all the resources needed. Whether or not someone likes tradition, tradition is what sets implied terms of contracts.

It likely was much worse for the women in the past where they'd likely have to do all the chores and do a lot of other works too as it was a might-makes-right world where men had the might.

Majorly the cause of rapid divorce cases in this generation than we have heard in any epoch of human history. When a marriage is entered into with the outlook of a contract it is going to expire in the way any contract do, cause contracts has expiring date.

Modern day women now do have the house chores less torturing to take on with all the technological machines that can be used for household cleaning you can now clean briefly a space that could have taken 5 hours to clean in 30 minutes and still be left with extra resting time for the day.

 The house chores should not be classified as too intensive to share it 50/50 with a man that is carrying the responsibility of financially sourcing his family.  A departure from this should abide where the woman is also working and assisting the home like the man is doing.

[Pearl_20]

The woman is being selfish and inconsiderate, for someone who is always at home what is the chores that you can't do or finish before your husband's gets home..

A.man will spend hours outside working and still meets the financial needs of the family, instead of him to come back to a clean home, and a good meal you're expecting him to assist you with chores at home.. that's bad, very bad..

I'm not married though, and I can't even see myself with such behaviour in future.. what exactly is she doing at home all day that she needs her husband to assist with chores after working for so long, stressed and tired ni..

A good woman will make sure her husband's food is ready once he gets home and not ask or demand to share chores with her. I'm not against a man helping out at home that's only when his free or during his off days, but the idea of him returning from work and you demand for chores to be shared equally with him is outrageous..

[passwordnow]

I bumped into a post on Reddit a husband complaining about his full time stay at home wife demanding the man stands fully firm to his financial responsibility to his family and as well share a 50/50 household chores responsibilities with her after he returns from work.

Any loving husband knows he'd have to support his wife with house chores when he can without being told. Not the wife demanding for an equal share of the house chores with the husband  after returning from an intensive long hours job.


I repeat, I bumped on the post on Reddit, as an interesting topic which collides with parenting I got inclined to share it in the forum, to know what the parents on this community thinks. Is the wife acting selfish? Is the husband using his job as excuse to avoid sharing in the house chores or what?

We guys are tired and exhausted from 9-5 jobs and if the wife demands 50/50 of the household chores, she's something else. Or maybe, that's her way of telling her man to show her some affection and love through helping her with the chores. I don't know how their relationship works but sometimes wives are looking for ways for a man to be like that, they know that it's not going to be that much for them and it makes them happy if their husbands are also involved with the task that they are part of. When you ask them to have some rest, they'll even get mad. Well, women problems.

[In_cu_bent]

Most women now want their husband to share house chores with them because they feel that their work at home is too tedious for them to do alone. The woman is wrong for asking her husband to do her chores with her after a long day at work, what she could have done is to explain to the husband how stressful the house chores are then if they can plan on getting a maid it would sound better than the way she did. The only reason why i don't fancy the idea of a maid is that as soon as a maid is employed, most house wives feels so relieved that they will find it difficult even to make food for their husband and serve them. They will literally be sending the house maid on every work in the house thereby turning the housemaid to a slave.

[mich]

Well it is a thing they should make a choice about before they did get married, If the wife is at home all day well then I do think she should so alot more of the chores.

But it does not mean a husband can not help out the wife. There is some thing easier for a man to do instead of a woman. But if the man does work all day he can be able to come home and to relax.

[franky1]

But it does not mean a husband can not help out the wife. There is some thing easier for a man to do instead of a woman. But if the man does work all day he can be able to come home and to relax.

the working person may have a easy job where it literally could be just sat infront a screen/tv all day (remote IT/security CCTV office/video reviewer)
whereby the person staying at home has multiple kids to run after, a pet and all the chores
whereby the person at home is doing more work. think about it, defining roles in the home in terms of a private service doing same practical things as a work role:
they are a nursery worker/nanny
they are domestic cleaner/maid
they are a chef
they are a pet day care, dog groomer, dog walker
they are door-dash
grocery shopper and delivery service
inhouse accountant
receptionist of house phone and mail/parcels
..all at the same time

so energy and action and roles.. it could be a case where the person at home is actually more exhausted and not enough time to fill all job requirements of the home as much as the sedimentary worker who still has energy after work

so its about fairness of the human bodies and minds.. to both come to their best efforts, with least stress/exhaustion on both partners in a relationship..

trying to assume that because someone brings in the income they deserve a stress free, easy life, whilst using the other person as a slave, and treating them as someone who should be made to be stressed, hardworking, non stop multitasking for no income is not a good idea

its about equal balances of the workload of the human biology and mental stress of the roles. not who brings the income gets the easy life and the other person has to suffer

marriage is not about it being one persons income. its the household income. whereby then the stress and energy of the roles required becomes a separate subject to discuss who has most energy left in a day to do what

two scenarios
A. hard working person, always on feet, manual labour, exhausted at end of shift.. where the other partner sits on chair watching daytime TV
ofcourse the person watching TV needs to pulltheir weight and do more and not expect the exhausted partner to do more

B. stay at home parent, always on feet, multitasking, exhausted at end of day.. where the other partner sits on office chair monitoring CCTV
ofcourse the person watching CCTV needs to pull their weight and do more and not expect the exhausted partner to do more

..
is a case of workloads, energy, stress, exhaustion
imagine it this way the sedentary worker vs the multitasking stay at home parent situation
imagine they flipped roles
the worker stays home and the multitasking parent then goes out to work

see how that plays out in a marriage

[mvdheuvel1983]

There is no case in the matter if they both come to a mutual understanding as to how they want to do the house chores so that it won't be to much for the woman who stays at him all the time, it is the responsibility of the man to provide for the family and take care of them which he is doing since he is working to provide food for the family but in a situation where the man usually comes home early from work if there are things the wife needs assistance in the house the man can decide to assist her not that the house chores will be 50/50 it's not possible unless the woman will accept to share the responsibility of the family with the man also.

[Kagaru]

I bumped into a post on Reddit a husband complaining about his full time stay at home wife demanding the man stands fully firm to his financial responsibility to his family and as well share a 50/50 household chores responsibilities with her after he returns from work.

Any loving husband knows he'd have to support his wife with house chores when he can without being told. Not the wife demanding for an equal share of the house chores with the husband  after returning from an intensive long hours job.


I repeat, I bumped on the post on Reddit, as an interesting topic which collides with parenting I got inclined to share it in the forum, to know what the parents on this community thinks. Is the wife acting selfish? Is the husband using his job as excuse to avoid sharing in the house chores or what?

When the wife is a full-time stay-at-home, then automatically the bulk of the work would be put on the wife as the husband is paying the bills. Meanwhile, marriage is not a 50/50 deal--it is a matter of working together. He can work long hours, but even then, assisting where he can will demonstrate that someone cares and bitter feelings will not accumulate.
The issue is when one or both parties begin to present it as rigorous percentages. It is unrealistic to ask the partner who already goes to work all day long to share everything, and it is also unfair to ask the wife to do everything alone without help. In the past, it was common to have inactive parents keep their homes almost to themselves, but in the contemporary world where the demands of equality are putting more pressure, there are many couples that would spread the chores around in a more deliberate manner.

To me, the most nutritious solution is not the number of hours, but the fact that the partner is appreciating one another. The balance is just fair in case the husband provides money, does some housework (where he is able to do), and the wife appreciates such effort when she is left with the majority of day-to-day tasks. Once it is turned into a hard-and-fast requirement, this is frequently a sign of frustration that must be discussed.

[Dunamisx]

Any loving husband knows he'd have to support his wife with house chores when he can without being told. Not the wife demanding for an equal share of the house chores with the husband  after returning from an intensive long hours job.

We must upgrade ourselves and allow things to work for us in our marriage, we have to let go of the olden patterns and adopt in new approach to make everything works perfect for us, we can't claimed to have wanted a peaceful marriage or relationship and not be the one to contribute most on how this could be done.

This is not expected of us to be working by the mentality of wife must do all the house chores and the man only must work to feed the house, the wife can secure a job to complement that of the husband, women are not meant for the kitchen alone, that is why we are both help mate, men occasionally can help them as well in house chores if needs be.

[Salahmu]

I bumped into a post on Reddit a husband complaining about his full time stay at home wife demanding the man stands fully firm to his financial responsibility to his family and as well share a 50/50 household chores responsibilities with her after he returns from work.

We have different people and different lifestyle, there are some places that husband also have a responsibility to do House chores as demanded by his wife because they might be living under the condition of equal providing of financial support while in other places they see it as a taboo for a wife to demand that since is there duty to take care of there family so that's why somebody should react depending on how it usually work on there side. In my country is a right thing to do chores as a husband but disrespectful when a wife demanded it must be a must no matter if they are the one earning higher. However a husband should always help out with anything in the house whenever they are free so that it would also relieve the wife of some stress.

[Findingnemo]

But it does not mean a husband can not help out the wife. There is some thing easier for a man to do instead of a woman. But if the man does work all day he can be able to come home and to relax.

the working person may have a easy job where it literally could be just sat infront a screen/tv all day (remote IT/security CCTV office/video reviewer)

No job is easy, so even if it was a job that literally just involved sitting his ass off for the whole day and I guess no boss will be interested in paying someone who does nothing so he bring something to the company or business or whatever it is. Even assume he is not physically tired but what about the mental workload, it's also the same and if the men does all the job to bring food to the table and now he even has to cook his own food and that doesn't make 50/50 becaus the husband is sharing more workload.

As much as I support the ide of men equally sharing the household responsibility but it's something else if the wife demands or threatens him for a divorce and taking his 50% worth with her.

Any way it's nothing new.

[Vod]

It's up to each couple to decide who does what.   Marriages usually don't end over chores - they end over disagreements.   Before one gets married, they need to decide who is in charge of the marriage.  It may be a partnership, but one person needs the final say when all has been discussed.

[franky1]

But it does not mean a husband can not help out the wife. There is some thing easier for a man to do instead of a woman. But if the man does work all day he can be able to come home and to relax.

the working person may have a easy job where it literally could be just sat infront a screen/tv all day (remote IT/security CCTV office/video reviewer)

No job is easy, so even if it was a job that literally just involved sitting his ass off for the whole day and I guess no boss will be interested in paying someone who does nothing so he bring something to the company or business or whatever it is. Even assume he is not physically tired but what about the mental workload, it's also the same and if the men does all the job to bring food to the table and now he even has to cook his own food and that doesn't make 50/50 becaus the husband is sharing more workload.

As much as I support the ide of men equally sharing the household responsibility but it's something else if the wife demands or threatens him for a divorce and taking his 50% worth with her.

Any way it's nothing new.

"bringing something to the company" "bring food to the table"(facepalm)
you are forgetting the physical and mental load on BOTH sides.. the fairness of the human body and mind of BOTH SIDES

again lets explain the scenario to enlighten you more to think about things deeper
one partner does this
8am: wakes up
8am-8:15: takes a shower,
8:15-8:25: dries off, grooms hair
8:25-8:30: gets dressed,
8:30-8:45: eats breakfast, picks up lunchbox, leaves for work
8:45-9am: travels to work
9am-noon: sits in an office chair for 3 hours, reviewing websites
noon-1pm: has a paid lunchbreak, sits in the open area, eating packed lunch, watching nature
1pm-1:10: boss whinges about some work detail
1:10-5pm: sits in an office chair for 4 hours, reviewing websites
5pm-5:15: travels home

other partner is:
6:30: wakes up, hears baby whinging/crying
6:30-6:35:  gets up to check on the baby,
6:35-6:45:  changes diaper, rocks, snuggles baby
6:35-6:45:  prepares baby formula while carrying baby
6:45-6:55:  feeds baby and soothes it to no longer have reason to cry
6:55-7am:  puts baby back in crib to settle baby back to sleep
7am-7:10:  takes a quicker shower,
7:10-7:20: dries off, cleans up bathroom ready for other partner,
7:20-7:30: picks clothing to wear, gets dressed
7:30-7:40: takes work clothes out of dryer, sets out ironing board, allows iron to warm up and gets towel out of closet/dresser.
7:40-7:50: irons work clothes and puts them with the towel in bathroom ready for other partner
7:50-8am: returns to bedroom to snuggle the other partner to wake up
8am-8:10: prepares cold sandwich, snack, drink lunch for other partner, puts it in lunchbox
8:10-8:30: makes hot breakfast(toast, eggs, bacon, sausage) for both partners so its still hot ready to eat
8:30-8:40: eats breakfast,
8:40-8:45: picks up plates from table, washes them
8:45: hears baby whinging/crying
8:45-8:50: check on the baby, changes diaper
8:50-9am: settles baby back to sleep
9am-10am: reviews websites on home pc whilst aware to listen out for baby monitor and respond to each noise
10am: baby cries
10am-10:05: check on the baby, picks it up, rocks it to soothe it
10:05-11:00: reviews websites on home whilst rocking and playing with awake baby
11am: baby cries, figures out if its food or dirty diaper cry
11:05-11:10 changes diaper
11:10-noon: reviews websites on home pc whilst rocking and playing with awake baby
noon: baby cries, figures out if its food or dirty diaper cry
noon-12:15: prepares cold lunch for self and prepares baby formula while carrying baby
12:15-12:30: feeds baby, eats her own lunch
120:30-12:40: soothes baby to no longer have reason to cry, but still cries
12:40-12:45 changes diaper
12:45-2:45: reviews websites on home pc
2:45: baby cries, figures out if its food or dirty diaper cry
2:45-2:50: changes diaper
2:50-3pm: prepares baby formula
3pm-3:15:  feeds baby and soothes it to no longer have reason to cry
3:15-3:45: reviews websites on home pc

both done same time of awakened activity at this point
working person 8am-5:15pm vs home parent.6:30-3:45pm (same 9 hours15mins)
whoms burned more calories, done more activity, had more potential stress vs whos had the most relaxed chill experience so far

here's another 'kicker' scenario
imagine i am substantially wealthy due to bitcoin and retired young, i dont work but i am the "breadwinner" i pay the bills.
my wife does not need to work because bills are taken care of, but she likes to work because the job is enjoyable,

so who should do the chores if im the stay at home parent this time? whereby i pay all the bills and do the parent thing and wife has the relaxed job role