Here is a transcript of a most recent SMS / text messaging conversation I endured with teh mom:
mom: I am thinking of you and remembering when you were little. I wish I could have done more to assure that you could have a happier adult life and with thoughts of me that could make you smile. It seems that for many years now you have had a defense mechanism up whenever it regarded me. I never was and am not your enemy. I love you so much. But because you have made the choice to push my love away today I work towards loving myself more and trying to take care of me.My thoughts on the conversation:
me: I am happy, especially with knowing of and working with Bitcoin and also libertarianism.
me: I have had a defense mechanism up whenever it regarded initiation of force, control, persuasion, manipulation, etc.
me: "Just accept me for who I am." "I will do whatever I want to do." "Even if I make mistakes and am evil, love me, love me, please! I am your Mom!"
mom however I am not doing as well as I'd like to because of how you have had to suffer. It also bothers me a lot what you said to me when you were here bout if I wasn't your mom you would nothing to do with me and also said I was crazy. I know I am not crazy. also it hurt when you left me walking far behind you at the airport not even allowing me to hug you and say goodbye as I wanted to. I earned the right & I erned your
me: I am crazy. A few people have suggested it to me. I am not foolish or unintelligent to deny such claims. I appreciate people being honest.
me: I appreciate openness and honesty as opposed to beating around the bush. If I make a mistake, I will not oppose and argue, yell, scream, violence with people
me: I will take time to understand what it is that is being communicated to me and recognize and understand perspective from others and attentively listen to them and comprehend what they are saying.
me: Your repeated declaration of earning rights from me are obnoxiously annoying.
mom I cannot use IRC as I have no internet access where I live
me: Mom: I earned rights to control and manipulate you however I want. I AM YOUR MOM. SUBMIT TO ME NOW SLAVE! DO IT! <-- reword thisinnicerwords
me: Mom: You must obey me. STOP. Do not make me chase after you. I SAID STOP. OBEY ME.. DO IT NAO! STOP WALKING AWAY FROM ME!!! OBEY!!!!!! SUBMIT!!!!!!!
mom I never said submit or slave. I do not believe in that.
me: Of course didn't say "submit" or "slave." Instead, you beat around the bush using more friendly words and terms to make your actions seem nicer than they are
mom you are wrong. you havent wanted to know me for a very long time and After this last trip which was a little better for you than the last one I realize that the facts are that you do not want to know me and you do not want to love me. You have shown me that over and over again but I have not wanted to believe it
me: I will repost this conversation on Internet&will continue discussion there. Also, I will respond to every single statement of yours to prove that I'm not wrong
mom fine do what you want to do.are you going grocery shopping with your step dad?
I am uncertain what my mom's initial text message to me was in response to, however, her referencing the idea of her reminiscing of how I was when I was little as a kind of response to not experiencing desirable similarities today is a recurring communication of hers that I have endured many thousands of times. Generally such examples of communications from her is a kind of reaction to various dramas or conflicts that ensue in which the cause of the drama or conflict is debatable.
There may be similar types of recurring communications that come from me directed towards her that may be similar, and if so, I would like to better recognize and learn what they are (perhaps from my input from my mom) so that my perspective isn't targeting specifically my mom, but more so, targeting the statements that spark, cause or contribute towards dramatic conversations and/or experiences.
I believe it would have been in my best interest to not respond as I did, however, I still have much foolishness and craziness within my brains.My comments on a specific experience that occurred while I was in San Francisco about two weeks ago:
Amongst various dramas throughout the 'vacation' (if it can be called that, which I am not sure, since I wasn't free to enjoy my time as I wanted and instead had to enjoy my time as my mom sought fit and had planned out and throughout the various inconveniences to her plans caused quite a lot of obnoxiousness on her part even within Noisebridge environment, where others were able to notice such obnoxiousnesses as well) there was a kind of turning point that drove me quite overwhelmed and desiring of yet another escape (or vacation from a vacation). Specifically that turning point came from a communication from my mom directed towards me suggesting the idea of never having me and I think then having more peaceful life or something. I forgot the specific wording she used. At that moment I was far too overwhelmed to continue simply "accepting her for who she is" and letting her do wtfever she wants justifying it with "accept me for who I am" statements. My initial response was to walk around a couple blocks, which I did. As I returned, my mom then went on a walk of her own still in her own rage. I decided to continue the rest of my vacation without her continued influence, control and manipulation. I grabbed my backpack and began walking towards her to say my goodbyes or at least give her an opportunity to recognize that I wanted to endure the rest of my vacation at my own efforts and without her influence, manipulation or control. As I reached her and collaborated for a few minutes, her communications were still effortfully considering preserving a kind of control of things and me and that I should be more considerate and respectful to her, even through her abusive statement that triggered me to react devastatingly or depressedly. I waited for my mom to turn and walk away before I did so. she then turned and walked away back to her vehicle. I then promptly turned and continued walking away in the opposite direction. Then after less than a minute, without turning around, she had been calling after me and then chasing me. I was walking a normal and even a bit slower pace; slower to be a bit considerate of my mom due to her poor health. I knew she would chase after me as long as she was able to, but would eventually give up due to restlessness after 15-20 seconds. I wasn't playing or fucking with her though. I was simply walking away to endure the rest of my time in San Francisco without her continued influence, manipulation and control. After walking kinda slow-pacedly for about 15-20 minutes or so, she managed to catch up with me. I didn't stop though. She was worn out. She begged and pleaded with me to stop suggesting that I was causing her to be in much pain. Apparently she was under the impression that I must rely on her to survive within San Francisco, CA and that I am unable to be responsible for myself. Before she had made such vile statement towards me that triggered me to abandon her evilness, we were about to go eat somewhere. So, as she caught up with me, she put forth effort into convincing me to accept her for who she is in exchange for getting food. After liek 20-30 minutes, she manipulatingly convinced me to accept her generous offer of foods I believe in exchange for her supposed "I earned the right & I erned your" statement. She bought foods for me (amongst a plethora of other motherly things she has 'done' for me) therefore she earned the right for me to submit to her, "accept her for she is" regardless of how evil, corrupt, manipulative, unintelligent or "crazy" she is. To this day, I am foolish, crazy, or not disciplined enough to not be tricked into accepting her prizes, gifts or rewards (generosities) in exchange for her continued and preserved ability to influence, direct, teach, persuade, manipulate and control me, which usually stems from statements such as "I taught you better" or "I am thinking of you and remembering when you were little. I wish I could have done more to assure that you could have a happier adult life and with thoughts of me that could make you smile." which probably means "I am thinking of you and remembering when you were little, naive and susceptible to punishment and discipline to control and manipulate you to my wildest desires and fantasies." <-- note: biasQuestion to the public (you):
mom: "I realize that the facts are that you do not want to know me and you do not want to love me."
This statement from my mom is one declaring a realization of facts. It is not a statement of actual facts. Note that this statement is one that is related to "beating around the bush" or using wordplay. Is my mom using such a statement to indicate that one fact is that I do not want to know my mom? As I try to decompile this statement communicated from my mom and try to establish a fundamental idea of what she meant and also derive meaning beyond a kind of programmatic meaning generally understood without critical thinking, I am uncertain how to proceed. Disregarding the declaration of "fact" her statement is suggestive of the idea that I do not want to know my mom.
There are characteristics/traits of my mom that I highly and immensely dislike and despise and I have openly and honestly communicated those things to her. Her response to my such communications to her is generally "just accept me for who I am" and also "I realize that the facts are that you do not want to know me and you do not want to love me."
What seems like a reasonable to of which if that how at is on in response or reaction to this?