Bitcoin Forum

Decided I wanted to help out some newbies, so make me laugh and you'll earn a bitcent. I don't laugh easily, though, so it's going to be hard, and you most likely won't succeed. I'll try and go easy on you, so if I think it's funny enough, but if I still don't laugh, I might send you a bitcent anyway.

EDIT: I stopped sending bitcents for laughs a long time ago, and forgot to update the op. However, I'm keeping the thread open for when other people have some change and need a laugh.

I'll be checking these when I get home today.

  DON"T TELL ME WHAT TO DO BRO!

Tight budget, for that money I can only take my back from chair and immediately put it back.

What's brown and sticky?


















A stick.

Please send funds to 18u3mnuT71HAbE1oHwpXjXseiqXEay4Csr

REALLLLY wanna play but I'm not quite sure what I can get away with on such an international board lol... I guess I could always poke fun at my politicians.

hmmm... think that would piss anyone off?

Apparently there have been reports lately of several TSA agents developing cancer.

A buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and tells him, "Make me one with everything."

One time I was hanging out with a friend of mine and some people he knows. One lady was asking me about myself and asked where I was from. When I told her I was from Idaho she said, "Wow were there any other black people up there?" To which I replied,
"Believe it or not, my parents were black too!"

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says, "I want you all to call me The Hoff!"
The barman says, "Sure, David. No hassle."

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We're a cover band.

Everyone can put on their Curriculum Vitae that they know a little Latin.

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.
I'm living on borrowed thyme.

Have you checked out http://witcoin.com/ where you can do just that.

(Edit: reward/earn bitcoins for good content. Not borrow thyme.)

Ben Bernanke heads up a fine organization.

This is my current favorite:
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhqj79EWQb1qdkipyo1_500.jpg

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized that I had to pass gas really badly, I noticed the music was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my drink, and noticed that everyone was staring at me... I suddenly remember I was listening to my iPod.

Thought I might write something funny.
However, I'm not much of a joker.
Eh, might as well give it a try.
Gotta get all the Bitcoins I can   ;D
A chicken crosses the road, and............
Makes it to the other side!
End of joke. Funny eh? BTW, read every first letter of this paragraph.











































































http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110419100726/callofduty/images/8/80/Troll-face-problem.jpg

1LrQjb4j9dE8nWP6xiRHFzXe1abGRaaNM8

Alright. I have a joke for you that's relevant to bitcoin and cryptoanarchist types...

Q: How many anarcho-capitalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: If the market were truly free, lightbulbs would change themselves.

via http://riotjoke.com/402

Yeah, I heard you lol: 146oVEuLE3wNRE6WEoTPMy3fsgYfecxyiH

So the W.H.O. was having a huge get together of the best doctors in the world. Before the seminar a U.S. doctor took a seat at a table with a German and a French doctor.

The German doctor was telling the French doctor that his country had the best and the brightest in their labs, and they had come up with a way to replace a man's entire digestive tract and have him looking for work again in 3 weeks.

The French doctor was impressed, but he thought he could top that. O yea, he says, well we're finalizing a program that can replace a man's entire spine and have him back on the streets looking for work in 2 weeks.

The German was impressed, but not the American. He set his drink down and told both of them he could top that easily. He said back home they've perfected a way to replace the president and have half the country looking for work the next day.


Trying to think of my favorite Bush joke just incase there are people here that can't apreciate a good joke without getting all defensive, but the problem is there are too many Bush jokes in my head to pick my favorite lol

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?






 ::)



EDIT: my address is 13WZAEsrYMpMprFJhU8r2HafdBQHfGQc5e for when you've googled the answer.

Bitcent sent.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?























Hey, that's not funny. We're suing!

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e59/ufntool/racing-jesus.jpg

Sorry if this isnt appropriate... new here :)

176Gj44tmT8VGqZejBHEWZWLcvDo4vyob4

Child 1: Dad why did you name me Rose?
Dad: When you were a baby a rose fell on your head.
Child 2: Dad why did you name me Daisy?
Dad: When you were a baby a daisy fell on your head.
Child 3: urghhhdsargahgr
Dad: Shut up Fridge

1AtVoSpZnK5zvjSoUY1X9Fg16gPhQvJh7N

https://i.imgur.com/XZ6NK.jpg

181756QZYMvi8D5Lbqc4rQLEydVsRK1wqF

Bitcent sent.

http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww347/ChrisZombolas/1302285241138.png


16BHW6agGJ87yD7dGFHs76HbojPVuDFr2y

Listen to me here (http://bitcoinporncast.tumblr.com/post/7021113394/0-00-beta), I did that whole thing there just for this thread and getting that bitcent  :P

Why can't chickens talk?




Because they won't tolerate fowl language

Should I send to the address in your sig?

There once was a guy named Dave

Who found a dead whore in a cave

She was ugly as shit, and missing one tit

But think of the money he'd save!

xD that one was pretty good!

Quartz Crystals to trade for Bitcoin... Yea, I Know !  But it's a Whole Lot Less Messy than a Alpaca Ranch !

Do you know if there's anything I can take for kleptomania?

You found a block! Go check ya miner!

Baited! uMad? Whacha gonna do?

-My fishing fund
1CxgDLHhynAqfEQRL5CqGw7SyZy6KFcokp

Also, this is a link to another site but I love these exam papers and essays!

http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2007/05/06/idiotic-answers-from-exam-students-very-funny-stuff.html (http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2007/05/06/idiotic-answers-from-exam-students-very-funny-stuff.html)

13WZAEsrYMpMprFJhU8r2HafdBQHfGQc5e

Three of my fav

http://camanocommunity.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/labs.jpg

http://www.failking.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/cow-curiosity-fail.jpg

http://www.hornoxe.com/wp-content/picdumps/picdump144/thumbs/thumbs_hornoxe.com_picdump144_051.jpg

Sweet, that works with me :)


As a thanks, some bonus laughs.  Some classic adventures of Dog Fort
http://imgur.com/oCcMv.jpg


https://i.imgur.com/tK9EM.jpg

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1170249/mathwrong.jpg
14fra8rHH3sa4VJg6gCUtea6PscwgejV2E

I can tell when deepbit has a hiccup, cause my room suddenly gets really quiet.

1Fc6QfHa4aWGsXLfhShmBabLAWSFk4Yg97

Bitcent sent.

Bitcent sent.

I liked the one where the elephant was in the way. Bitcent sent.

Bitcent sent.

Bitcent sent.

I'm noticing a lack of observational comedy in this thread.

Did u finally laughed or not

I chuckled at a couple of them.

Thank you good Sir!

I have recently discovered this site: http://survivingtheworld.net/
Makes me laugh. Here are a couple good ones:
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson990.html
http://survivingtheworld.net/Recitation98.html

Another of my favorites, the funniest blog ever :)

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/)

What do you call a kid with one arm and an eye-patch?

You call him Names.

So this old couple get done smoking a joint and start watching some tele when the old guy gets the hankering for some ice cream. He gets up and starts walking off when his wife starts asking him what he is doing.
"I am getting ice cream to help parch my throat, would you like me to get you some dear?"
"Yes, but I want whip cream, a cherry, sprinkled nuts, and some chocolate syrup. I know you, you will forget, so you better write this down and take it with you."
Knowing his wife is ever nagging he rushes off to the kitchen with the complaints of how easy something like that can be to remember.
The husband is in the kitchen for close to 20 minutes. The wife starts to get irritated at the loud commotion of pots and pans coming from kitchen. Just when she is ready to pipe up and complain the husband returns, tray in hands.
He sets it down on her lap and says, "See woman, what did I tell you, I did not forget a thing!"
She looks down at her plate of eggs, bacon, and toast and looks up at her husband and responds, "I knew you should of written it down, you forgot my orange juice!"

Thanks!

Here is bonus one..
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1170249/examen.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/CB07r.jpg
16yLQTF3vnv5HQfL1FCQooR4RzEKxjqKvH

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"












(scroll down..... .............)













"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

Some of my favorites from today's catchup of the site...
_______________________________________________________________________________ ________
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-facebook-fails-erase-one-thing.jpg
_______________________________________________________________________________ ________
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-facebook-fails-really.jpg
_______________________________________________________________________________ ________
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-facebook-fails-lovesick.jpg
_______________________________________________________________________________ ________
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/funny-facebook-fails-whos-abby-baby.jpg

Oh, and provided you appreciate British humour, this is fantastic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI) ("My blackberry is not working", approx 3mins long)

https://i.imgur.com/EYrgN.jpg

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/koma-comic-strip-only-abstinence-is-percent-effective.jpg

your welcome  :D

17mJVMhCppc2wBR9ZFKosAr18zx45DvLji

Confirmed.  And appreciated ;)

Michelle Bachman

So, the Israeli rowing team was having real problems.
In every competition, they'd come in last.
So one year they decided to send Irving to the U.S.
To spy on the Americans
And find out the key to success.

Irving went to America.
He went to Cambridge
And studied to U.S. rowing team
Very closely.

The next year
Irving returned to Israel
To give his report.

Well, said the captain,
What did you find out?

The boat is the same, said Irving.
The oars, exactly the same.
They got 13 guys,
Just like we do.

Except
12 of them row
and only one of them yells.

Im not a noobie and i dont want your bitcoins

What do you call a bitcoin floating in the sea ?

bobcoin

I'm well aware that you aren't a newbie, noagendamarket. :)

That's pretty cool, thanks. I was reading a lot of them...


...including this one:

http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson8.html

I'm from Australia, we were founded by English convicts and sheep farmers, what do you expect?

Bitcent sent.

Bitcent sent.

Got it. Thank you.

I'm from Australia too, and I expect most people here to have poor grammar, so kudos to you :)

Breaking news...!

Hip hop sensation, turned raptor, turned mogul, Curtis Jackson (aka Fifty Cent), has joined the Bitcoin revolution and wishes, henceforth, to be known as "BittyCent."

1AgahWoeVJ1LuWUsyKPFTgP1bBAJYJE7TJ

:P

Whoa whoa whoa - he turned into a raptor??!!  How did I miss that?

A guy walks into a bar.

He says "Ouch!!"

Bitcent received! Much Appreciated!

Rapper turned actor... Raptor.

 :P

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

derp.

 Q: - How can you tell when a woman is sexually satisfied?

























 A:- Who cares?

http://jokes.cosmobc.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/software-design-joke.png

1DgbdEpqudcEZxyHXmRDjse5ELTfTbXEBY

Thats what she said.

Bitcent sent.

Hm, maybe I could try again?

http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-raisins.jpg

http://memebase.com/ (http://memebase.com/) is always funny :D (if you're into memes that is)
12iaftHEQ6S6hEHRk7yvvPvtKX9hK8k6YJ

Hell, most of these are probably old but I'll give it a shot =P

http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee412/trollnystan_memes/afZhb.jpg

http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee412/trollnystan_memes/deadpool.jpg

http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee412/trollnystan_memes/demotivational-posters-bitch-please.jpg

http://i1226.photobucket.com/albums/ee412/trollnystan_memes/demotivational-posters-the-justice-system.jpg

1BawoaK8icRs1YYbux5Kdzf7coZtDyAgve

hows funny admin called?
lolmin.

i bet u got at least a chuckle.
18NLAGCDAnqtXXwQDkXUwxp8ppW9SXAfMC

What's the difference between jam and jelly?




No one's ever been able to jelly their **** into their gf.



:D
1Lwv3azPhQL1xLESwxrBYvMg8TUAKrRq2k

A short one:

A masochist to a sadist: "Please beat me..."
and the sadist reply "NO!"

tip cent here: 19QZrPtu2jPX6kiERvfkKHXxFkovjx8akB     8)

E.

I doubt the OP is still giving out cents but this made me laugh like hell, so thought I'd share anyway.

Hope y'all get a giggle.

https://i.imgur.com/DRQJk.jpg

"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."


Credit goes to Emo Phillips but I don't have an account for him sooooo>     154Pb36bhTf7yJa7yNghCg2TadhQC92bVg

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/12901320/Pictures/71.jpg

If you don't laugh....

Bitcent sent.

http://www.hjackson.org/blog/mental-wanking.jpg

I'm still a newbie and wish to recieve another Bitcent, so here's another funny :)

Two cannibals are eating dinner.
One says "Hate my mother-in-law"
the other says, "well then... just eat the noodles"

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

To cannibals, all fights are food fights.

1JyvSzqb5z2jJfjYSWJ14XHETJCJ4iTGyt

http://imgur.com/S27lq.png (http://)

Please give today. (http://www.youtipit.org/t/J3470-3)

Aaah, that one went famous recently. For those who didn't get it at first, you're not the only one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c  ;D

Please read first post here: http://forum.bitcoin.org/index.php?topic=25512.0

then mu answer: http://forum.bitcoin.org/index.php?topic=25512.msg317878#msg317878

if I made you laugh you are free to donate. My address is in my signature.

Thanks

http://narf-archive.com/pix/8e9b1182afdbc7defeddf0a53ba2bf3560a170ee.jpeg

If you like this picture please send coins to your poor, starving man: 158es1Pbb7FLhuzVHVSRDT5bq4KWJ8oyf1

Thank you very much!
.

http://narf-archive.com/pix/d9b0bb59b5bb44d7ec662e8f16504e0ad824aa65.png

If you like this picture please send coins to your poor, starving man: 158es1Pbb7FLhuzVHVSRDT5bq4KWJ8oyf1

Thank you very much!
.

For those of you who can't see the picture, here is an enlarged version of it:

https://i.imgur.com/u5Vdu.png

Ok, how about this?
http://www.demotivatingposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Random-Funny-Photos-Part-142_01.jpg

It's bothering me that there is a comma and not a period..

lol, indeed, i didn't notice that before Xp

It was just a pic i stumbled on and remembered about this thread, not really the best possible thing i could've posted, but thought i would give it a try

Bitcent sent.

http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k497/animalsbeingdicks/abd-74.gif

1EBsUWUkM6xbeBPDNj5E8ewkXejxd1EUpN

Not a fan of twitter, but this was great:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/42612/WbcdI.jpg (http://dl.dropbox.com/u/42612/WbcdI.jpg)

1LHbtyqGbjgkSCvo93y5gw17UJ2CLwJFFk

http://copronymous.com/images/owned/20.jpg

:)

Alright this is a little racist but it's really funny:

http://www.helpfeedthetroll.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Shit_Nigga.jpg


In case I do win: 16ucTDmQ4qbKrtDE355M4AtkfMKZ3zc6sH

:D

Lol

Some guy went to China, goes to a house in a village and asks to let him stay for the night. The old man who lives there agrees, but warns him that if he even touches his daughter, he will have to suffer three most horrible Chinese torture methods. The guy thought that sine the man is old, his daughter is probably not that young too, so no problem. It turned out that the daughter is actually really hot and seemed to like him, so he could not hold back and went to her room at night. Before morning, he came back to his bed, exhausted, but happy.
When he woke up, he felt a heavy weight on his chest. When he opened his eyes he saw a big rock on his chest with a piece of paper that said "First torture method - heavy rock on chest". The guy though "what else could he think of" and threw the rock out the window. When he let go of the rock, he saw another piece of paper on the window "Second torture method - the rock is tied to the left ball by a silk string". Without thinking, the guy jumped out the window after the rock, outside he saw a sign with text "Third torture method - right ball tied to the bed".

A guy goes to jail for some crime, his family writes him a letter "It's so difficult without you, we need to prepare the garden, plant the seeds etc and you are not here to help us".
The guy writes back "You do not want to dig in that garden".
The family replies "The police came and dug the garden looking for something, but did not find anything though they were here all day".
The guy writes another letter: "Well, I helped as much as I could, now you can plant the seeds".

1GStzEi48CnQN6DgR1s3uAzB8ucuwdcvig

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."


If then:14ZnxLR39jLRmGF1wKEaH5vpt8WK8pmq6Q

Nice thread. Here's mine:

http://img855.imageshack.us/img855/8996/ikeajob.jpg

   What is the worst thing about eating vegies????????













getting them back in their weelchair.

What do you call a black priest?

Holy shit.

I didn't know what was happening at first, but after watching it a few times, I started laughing my ass off! Bitcent sent.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/shirt-smells.jpg

...or... If I broke the rules by the, um, adult language...

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/pansies.jpg


This whole site makes me laugh!!!  And my poor little bitcoin wallet hopes it makes you laugh too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfCiOzL7cYs

No other video has made me laugh as much as this one did. Caution for NSFW language.
1JBx7TcnVe9nterXEJwGQfFpPkKTSErHN7
(Yay, my first post here!)

http://img546.imageshack.us/img546/3449/picc3tmp.jpg
19rXURvhLsN9mS5wuzEeUwXy2nEiycSkKg

Here's another one:
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1197/1045336659_e2c01251c6.jpg

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2007/12/Drunk-Little-People-Gone-Crazy-414026

Hmmm... If the fact I didn't make it myself doesn't make the challenge invalid:

What about this? :P (video is only 1:55 if you're worried about investing time)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzxQgRbTesA

(address is in my signature) :P

address: 19qJTBCWDajb69FK1scftL5j3UWHP7nNB3

http://boingboing.net/images/xeni/xs3qw_02b4.jpg

http://lh6.ggpht.com/_eDeFZwM0xU4/TPIZZcye0lI/AAAAAAAAEAU/1ukDOjBeM_8/Luna%20Lovegood,%20you%20have%20my%20word%20-%20and%20my%20bow%20-%20and%20my%20axe.jpg

http://www.dennisyang.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/pie-eaten.jpg




1CoA1SAqtW2Yg7Fd6miZqVW6RqEF4zxsUP

http://koti.mbnet.fi/samixz/roflpics/650690018.jpg
 :(

1QEjk29xgUp7LJ1cBodmrBQfZxYET6cxR8

haha xD
For better effect, run your URL through http://www.shadyurl.com/ ! :P

Lulz.

http://5z8.info/xxx_a3i0ge_bombbuilding

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

1B2wtNTGXziaxhZzRc4WVJGrL4oP7rm1Wm

Here's a funny site:
http://ismycreditcardstolen.com/

Great, safe, educational idiot test =)

1JBx7TcnVe9nterXEJwGQfFpPkKTSErHN7

http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0059/1872/products/The-Gentleman-Zombie_large.png?100153

Its in the sig.
 ;)

Two guys walk in to a bar.  The third one ducks.  Ba-dum-bump.

No need to pay me.  I could really make you laugh if I could figure out how to post a mirror in a forum post......

Did U hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense! (In tents...)

@satellitehigh -> @Krokodill_G -> "I went to strip club and was disappointed to discover that they don't accept bitcoin even though I had printed out hashes to put in g-strings"

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

So my father told me a story from his childhood the other day, maybe you'll find it amusing.

It is the day of my dad's Sister's wedding (very conservative woman, prudish and ever-formal). Their father had been drinking heavily all afternoon. He left the reception early, went home and climbed into bed. During his brief sleep, the alcohol he had consumed had led his bowel to discharge into his underpants.

Waking up, he realised his underwear crime and pulled them off, throwing them out of the window through drunken confusion and desperation to be rid of the smell.

My father and his friend were playing outside the house, when they see the sister approaching.

Her beautiful wedding day; her white dress, her new husband and envious friends behind her, and her father's shit-drenched y-fronts laying on the path in front of them.

A tale of shame.


Stuff
1QD1Q1ewFADQGwxTG1JPjhcvAP6hpjCvJA

http://www.davidgeleynse.nl/html/klassen/V2A/Nicole%20en%20Marit%20-%20V2a/lolcats1.jpg
http://www.davidgeleynse.nl/html/klassen/V2A/Nicole%20en%20Marit%20-%20V2a/lolcats2.jpg
http://www.davidgeleynse.nl/html/klassen/V2A/Nicole%20en%20Marit%20-%20V2a/lolcats5.jpg
http://www.davidgeleynse.nl/html/klassen/V2A/Nicole%20en%20Marit%20-%20V2a/lolcats7.jpg
16ZKaVmah6YJoqqegjBj1aMFT7jNDCCapr

Dalai lama orders a 5$ hot-dog pays with a 10$ bill

Dalai Lama waits for his change but the change never comes

Dalai Lama is like:

"HEY MAN! where is my change?"

and the waiter says:

"Change must come from within!"

Here's a good one.  :P

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/funny-facebook-fails-toying-with-groups-new-feature.jpg

What's the useless skin around the vagina called?....................................



THE WOMAN

http://www.coronene.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/werd.jpg

http://uppix.net/b/1/a/b4e461a111c036d885f638ef93066.png

http://uppix.net/5/d/d/874f98317bda880b9c829bfb753b7.png

http://uppix.net/d/b/0/58f0a99b7abac6b86a0692851870e.jpg

1J5oPkyGVdb4mv44KGZQYsHS2ch6e1t4rc

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?


...You can unscrew the lightbulb.  ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Puld6Eb0BWc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pzl86IjTpHI
....women.


178KGF7x1GBbd3i4tYiotzqa17jMMbKm66

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHbRDR4rAkk

:)

Or this one, ofcourse :D.

http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/finnish_sauna.gif

It's awesome to see someone deal so well with what life throws at them, but what is there to laugh at in that video?

That site is amazingly funny.

this made my laugh for idk what reason... i hope you like it though :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU

 :D

Safe for work - it's a music video.  Most surreal thing I've seen in a while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzC4hFK5P3g


My wallet: 1HzcB62w1g2q5Tqq78Vjex9unFEFY6uGZn

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a very obscure number; you've probably never heard of it.

What's the difference between your mom and a hockey player?



Hockey players change their pads after three periods.

119CPaW1tUtMXKbUojPKrdvgAAWaRJX6d

What is the main difference between a BMW  and a porcupine?


The porcupine has it's pricks on the outside.....LOL



Send donations to 1DkBaLdGpdCFZ7SAjL6Lk5y18HVygzfGaX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLDbGqJ2KYk

I lol'd sooo hard :...)

How do you call a black man flying a Cessna propellor plane?

------------------------------------

Answer:

¿ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ɹo ʇsıɔɐɹ noʎ ǝɹɐ 'ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo ʇoןıd ɐ

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/demotivational-posters-seems-legit31.jpg

http://engineerable.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/catfan-tube.jpg

http://www.splitbrain.org/lib/images/interwiki/bitcoin.png 1JyATYxaFuorYoEaWdx9tPoqRWQ8WpcAqR

Here!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cds7lSHawAw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cds7lSHawAw)


/thread

I love theses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLAEg5aTXAE and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uwY3sjqYX0

My address : 1KunZwQNANdptWAunLoLJoSV6A7D2Vvxxa

;)

This idea does seem a bit desperate, but what the heck.

-Ten Comments-

1.your reading my comment
2.now your thinking that was a stupid fact
4.you didn't notice I skiped 3
5.your checking it now
6.your smileing
7.your still reading my comment
8.you know all you have read is true
10.you didn't notice I skiped 9
11.yor checking right now
12.you didn't notice there were only supposed to be 10 facts

185rpFS69xLbqFL3fkQH1Hv9w3tfAbfYdK

Bitcent sent.

What is green and turns red when you push the button?

A frog in a blender.  ::)

What is red and smells like blue paint?













Red paint.

what's funnier than 24?








25




http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbvl09NUiz1qaj5jro1_400.gif

Phil's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


8==} 1HdDkcoM29bVnCVbfNWDWLjTMbm2zrTJpF

IT was ten years ago or something where I got a little wasted and was watching some porn.  I wondered what it was like to have something in my ass soo I slowly sat on the top of a Budwiser beer bottle and began to ride it up and down or in and out . . . I did not enjoy it, and never again did I put anything in my anus.

You mean you self administered a beer enema or you  just used the bottle as a dildo? Or the punchline was that you forgot to remove the metal cap?

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?


1Ni5nbeL1sXvEeta7rQK49DvNdCcWYDJPK

http://www.horace.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/book-buy-sell-sell-sm.jpg

http://www.splitbrain.org/lib/images/interwiki/bitcoin.png 1JyATYxaFuorYoEaWdx9tPoqRWQ8WpcAqR

Btw, are payments still  being made here?

BitFlow will double the payout to a fantastic 2 bitcents per laugh!

If the OP doesn't pay out anymore, we'll take over.

OP, let us know whether you are still picking the good laughs or not.

Time to get the good times rolling then!

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/funny-facebook-fails-chriss-father.jpg

What's your btc address, Sgt?

Sorry, I have my firstbits below my avatar, but the full address is 18TKNbSLTrd3a2W8mtoH5uNzFhWRWNcuHU

if you loved the last joke you should love this!
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_U3s_dmo5lKA/SadoL5A63kI/AAAAAAAABQY/mxTuWOwHjhk/s400/17+dollars.jpg




plz send bitcents to: 1F1Ce5EiJzxez7xGV4ZXA6Fvy5VEFKLsgd

Bitcent sent to both.

here's another hilarious image, that should make everyone laugh! ;D
am i eligible for another bitcent? i hope so!

 address: 1F1Ce5EiJzxez7xGV4ZXA6Fvy5VEFKLsgd


https://meandtheblueskies.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/batman.jpg

Btc sent. Of course BitFlow is now your new favorite exchange ;)

I wouldnt dare use anything else!! 8)
bitflow.org forever!

proof that people from the US are the smartest!

http://sidneyindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/morans.jpg


donations

1JGMHofK3T3aRTBnE6BEVH8aTy8UQZTFkE

Racist.

posting years old pics is not the right way imho, where is your creativity?  ::)

"Joke come out you are surrounded!" "I can´t, the door is shut!" "Then go through the window!" "Is shut too!" "Then go through the keyhole!" "Can´t, the joke from yesterday is jammed in there!"

Knock knock





Who's there?





The interrupting cow






The interruptiMOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

2 dyslexics walk into a bra.

2 atoms are walkin' down the road.
One looks to the other and goes, "I think I just lost an electron!"
Stunned, the other replies, "Are you positive?"

Take my bitcoin...please  ;D

Hoping this is still fresh.

http://hungryforinternet.com/images/random/spiderbat.jpg

114gaSNZGyGkbRFDa1AyUcdwYgP7ji93Pv

Rabbi has been praying for years at the great Western Wall of Jerusalem.
A news reporter decided to cover his story and lengths of his life for the past few days.

Reporter asks" Rabbi, I see you've been praying here now for weeks, years on end; same time every single day. What do you pray for?"

Rabbi responds, "I pray for world peace, happiness, you know, the works."

Reporter inquires, "Have you noticed any changes for the better?"

Rabbi answers, "What do you think? I'm praying to a fucking wall."




BADUMPSSSSSH!!!!  ;D

1HZLisibyD2nxS4Xp5VMbJ14GMHaGpJ5Ds

P.S. I'm accepting bitcents from anyone who wants to help a newb like myself out! I have n0ne! 0_o

Btc sent.

The dyslexic bra joke was the funniest.

From now one I'll start selecting the funniest entries.

Thank you kind sir!

A piece of string walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Are you a piece of string? We don't serve pieces of string. You must leave"

The piece of string walks out of the bar, rolls around on the ground, then walks back in.

Bartender asks, "Are you a piece of string?"

"Nope.  I'm a frayed knot!"


send lolz to: 142qpczfXX8VxaBx3MJFxMVkh9Yn8vKhUP
 

Derp?  ;D

 ;D

If you're bored, I suggest going to youtube and searching for any of the following:
- Fat Kid on Bike
- Train verses Cow
- Or anything else with the words 'epic' or 'fail' or both in the title.

P.S. Searching for 'Train verses' anything usually turns up satisfactory results regardless of your personal preferences.  Hmmm...Let me search for 'Train vs Fat Kid Epic Fail' and see what I come up with....

 

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?















...









Just one..

Blondes will screw anything xD

Hey guys did you know Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa?

To eliminate all bees you must find the inverse of bee, which is proportionally related to their rate of beeceleration.  So... 1/bee=(vf-vi)/t + honey where honey = sweet and is the least common beenominator...

Is that Mike Myers?

http://s3.postimage.org/jy3y1npg/arnold.jpg (http://postimage.org/image/jy3y1npg/)

"TER-MINER-TOR"

 ;D

Damn did I tell you the joke about the 12 inch Pianist..


shit..


I gave the joke away xD

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” 

what do bitcoins and my EX girlfriend have in common?

the both cost me lots of money and ended in a dumping........

they are both cheap and virtual?  :P

how did they achieve that?

http://www.goodscore.com.au/images/afl/aflbarstool/bomber.jpg

Very small butts?

puddin ::)

It has been so hot in Texas that George W. Bush has been waterboarding himself to keep cool.

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?




****************************************************
If your name was garklnadksdafoffachfala you would kill yourself too.*
****************************************************

who says my pic doesnt deserve bitcent pays 0,01 BTC!

https://i.imgur.com/TON2H.jpg

^^ wow... unnatural  :o

pitch blower  ;D

Sorry, guys. I've been really busy lately. Anyway, thanks for taking over the thread while I was gone, bitflow. I'm going to start paying out again, and I'll do it at 2 bitcents like bitflow was. Of course, you're welcome to stay here and continue this offer with me as well, bitfow. :)

Q: What STD is common among Himalayan mountain guides?

A:  Sherpes.


If I was funny enough, please send the money here:

12J5BL9RYtzdeQyRKEesm6Csn3fb2ZCS4U

http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/1273021904790717.jpeg









dont know if you play video games, but this video made me, my wife, and my coworkers laugh:
http://www.dorkly.com/video/4532/dorkly-bits-koopa-gets-a-star








if gaming isnt your thing, maybe this is more your speed:
http://images.piccsy.com/cache/images/once-upon-a-time-a-prince-asked-a-beautiful-princess-90142-530-750.jpg










perhaps a funny story?
http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/racist_field_trip












if none of that made you laugh, here's a joke:

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."





donations can be made to my sig

Got some more:

Clocks and cocks are a lot alike: Their whole purpose is waking you up in the morning.


Same Address: 12J5BL9RYtzdeQyRKEesm6Csn3fb2ZCS4U

bitcents sent.

How do you know when it's time to change your underwear?























http://www.lowbird.com/data/images/2010/03/wann-wird-es-zeit-zum-duschen.jpg

awesome, thanks  ;D

DELL is considering changing the command 'Press any key' to 'Press Enter key' because of the flood of calls asking where is the 'Any' key.

True story from a Novell System Support Representative

caller: "Hello, Is this technical support ?"
Tech: "Yes, It is. How may I help you ?"
caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed ?"
Tech: "Did you say a cup-holder ? "
caller: "Yes! it is attached to the front of my computer tower"
Tech: "Did you receive this as part of a promotion or at a trade show?"
caller: "No, it came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion, It just has 4X on it."

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he was laughing too high. The caller had been using the drawer of CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

Good one.
If i had access to my wallet I would send you some.

haha this is a good one.

hahahaha this phrase is even funnier than your joke.

I've got friends who laugh too high. They should quit that shit for the sake of their health.

thanks!

Q: What do you call a gnome with its head in a Fairies dress?
A: A goblin!

A baby seal walks into a club....

http://demotivatorsite.com/images/demotivatorsite-com-1144.jpg
1BqrT4uzgufjTLfUPcqWhoq4hJgFwK9wAR

http://www.foxbusiness.com/markets/2011/08/19/daily-market-update/?test=latestnews

funniest shit ever.

viva la bitcoin

1FekH1LvStVB4dpDpXELPR68RRGLCjrZDL

How do you make a plumber cry?
.
.
.
Kill his family.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.

Why did the little boy fall off his swing? He was hit by a dead monkey.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She had leukemia and didn't have any arms or legs.

Here's one related to money, from a Discworld novel so send Terry Pratchett a bitcent for it :)

A one dollar bill is the promise that you will receive 1 dollar worth of gold as long as you don't actually ask for it.

It's funny because it's true, money is an empty promise but still people believe in it.

First photos of the Bitcoin Conference start to hit the web...

https://i.imgur.com/f2wQA.jpg

Ok, I know this is a long one, but believe me, it will be worth your time.  Just whatever you do,

DO NOT SKIP TO THE END OR IT WILL RUIN THE WHOLE JOKE

Anyways, here goes....

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END

You can send those bitcents to 16rTC5YVFoaGaxAzi17LoHYHFZz5jLkb6t

I'm so glad I skipped to the end of that one.

*ring* *ring*
-Hello?
-Hey, do you know how many audiophiles it takes to change a lightbulb?
-No, how many?
-Tell you later, you wouldn't appreciate the answer on this 12kbps codec


14K8k4DXTaPcEfJpj5NPrJYL3QiyiSsgJi

HA! I sent you a bitcoin.

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter. :o

What is yellow and has a B on it? A smiley with sun glasses B) 8)

1KC9JHYzdPFqZASRyKjEifUzsZzwHUKSQr

Some jokes I remember from school, just in case you have not heard them. These are pretty gross.

What's black and white and red all over?
A news paper.

What else is black and white and red all over?
A Nun on a meat-hook.

What goes from red to green at the touch of a button?
A frog in a blender.

What's red, screams, and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

What's green, quiet, and sits in a corner?
The same baby 2 months later.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Tall glass of cola and two scoops of dead baby.


17RRBHvpfGBAqoSmPCfpHM44rgavyMoB2H

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeGmlX3oZ8s&feature=channel_video_title

Bitcents sent.

Bitcents sent. By the way, I don't currently have the time to read all of these. Tomorrow, I'll be reading every post from page 12 on, so if you have something good, try and post it by tomorrow.

And the assigned seating chart can finally be revealed...

http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff99/qubez1/bc-conf1.jpg

Just gona leave this here for ya...

Make sure to read the OP in the pic before you scroll down!

http://img825.imageshack.us/img825/9823/vyegi.jpg

My sig:

What is the difference between a garage with a corvette in it and a garage full of dead babies?







A) I dont have a corvette.

1FekH1LvStVB4dpDpXELPR68RRGLCjrZDL

I don't know how many of you shop at Costco, but if you do, please pay attention. I became a victim of a this scam while shopping there.

This happened to me and it could happen to you, too.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are putting your packages in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts practically falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then they take turns climbing over into the front seat and performing oral sex on you, and in the process one of them steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Friday, and also yesterday and if all goes well - tomorrow............

If you appreciate this warning, please shoot me some BTC at 13d8rZRsqDgdYNHeyLFaxiSUJmMJyVmZVW

I don't have a joke but, have you heard of unicycle hockey?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCjuszJmK2Q&feature=channel_video_title

total lol :D

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p227/wizzerd911/funny-pictures-cat-gif-video-game.gif


http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p227/wizzerd911/lol.jpg

Why did the cow roll down the hill?












Because it had no legs.



---


1GW7wcK6SJo9JCyiHxQmbsaKPuFYgyJTCT

Why did the hipster burn his lip on a poptart
He ate it before it was cool

wow, this is the story that gave birth to "tl;dr".

The joke is on anyone silly enough to spend 30 minutes reading the joke, like I did.

There is a video version of that joke at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuU612EcB64&feature=related

It's ez to lol

A blonde, wanting to earn some Bitcoins, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 Bitcoins?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the 50 BTC's. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

Address:  17ud8nDvkQcTVWYXeN72Jurn48WiqYHFcr

http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/452/borderorange.gif
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death,
the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/452/borderorange.gif

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/7361/flathatroller.gifty: 152a6RyGsGnhxYSrZZyaJr99GvhvPkpF6j

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg

A must see.

girl: my man said "BITCH, go make me a sandwich!" when i told him to walk my lap dog. does anyone know a good comeback?

me: well you better come back with my fucking sandwich!

puddin

A man asks a magician "do you own any bit-coins?".

"Why ofcourse!" answers the magician.

The magician then proceeds as following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LirXgjuhqNQ



12EF6b8X53MB6WcfTCdXhAoAAj6L5gku39

This made me laugh today :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeRIrzFvEz0&feature=player_embedded

1HJpeXnA9G9MP4JpSZfunuTfaVqtYr8bSB

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart . What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!


1HhxKthxXPum7uSfT1zn8zDr6JScTZ338L

So two BTC miners are sitting in a bar. One asks the other, "how did you get your BTC fortune?"

"Never mind"




Get it? Never mined, as in he bought his coins.

http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/908/1294806905650.png
12BikY3Kky9v4qAMfHif8HKxcabMhCjdsT

If you're going to reuse my joke at least do it RIGHT for chrissakes

I just sent you a bitcent..

You should send me bitcoins because Usain Bolt stole my TV :P

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p227/wizzerd911/race.png

or at least support the dancing doggie :P

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p227/wizzerd911/f69efb44d6cce0602099684cddef8973.gif

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

what do you call 4 Muslim Hijackers hanged from a tree... till their dead



a Mississippi wind chime

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a woody, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what’s your point?"

"Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!?"

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

Is this offer still open? If not please close this thread  :)

"When I die, please bury me face down so that you can kiss my ass."

Nah, don't close, never! It's a nice thread that deserves to be kept alive.

So, here's my contribution:

---

---

;D And if you like: 1JgNHJrM8oshSKxVzRozEhA2QdHBWQ2ipR

Two rednecks, Bubba and Joe-Bob,  are sitting on a porch watching a dog lick its balls.

Bubba sez to Joe-Bob "Dang! I wish I could do that..."

Joe-Bob sez "You could try, but I don't think he'd let ya..."

1EcTa2LTPzrSqeB3hDjG2hdVhoKdWGexaW

Thanks Aahzman, didn't see that end coming - had to laugh, so one bitcent sent :)

More:

http://www.upload.ee/image/2803978/thechiefprotocoldemotivationalposter1266939412.jpg

1JgNHJrM8oshSKxVzRozEhA2QdHBWQ2ipR

Did you hear Darth Vader is single again? If you ask me, he’s been looking for love in Alderaan places.

Which Imperial commander was afraid of swimming? Darth Wader.

Star Wars fans are a fairly unhappy bunch. For every one that’s content you “see three P-O’d”

How did the astromech droid get around the road work? He took an R2-Detour.

What do you call a Tattooine coffee shop? Java the Hutt.

What movie were you watching when your VW was recalled? Return of the Jetta.

Were the deserts of Luke’s youth havens for body art? Yes, there was lots of Tattoine.

I started vanitygen on my work's 32 core production (that hosts like a hundred VMs) and let it run without knowing it would use 100% CPU on all cores. Fucking fail. Or was it? 1abrknajSFpnz7MHjLkVnuvCbwd96wSYt

Are you still employed? Because THAT would be an awesome punchline.

"Plz send to bitcoin address, since I am now unemployed" :D

A man and a boy are hiking through the woods one day.  As the day goes on, they get deeper and deeper into the forest, and the man shows no signs of turning around to head back.   Finally, the boy pipes up:

"Geeze, mister, it's getting pretty dark out here and I'm starting to get kinda scared."

The guy replies:

"*You're* scared? What about me? I've gotta walk all the way back out of here by myself..."

1EcTa2LTPzrSqeB3hDjG2hdVhoKdWGexaW

What do a gynocologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

1EcTa2LTPzrSqeB3hDjG2hdVhoKdWGexaW

Little Johnny was in his back yard, digging a hole.

His neighbor looks over the fence and asked "Hey Johnny, whatcha doing?"

Johnny replies "My goldfish died, so I'm burying him."

The neighbor takes a look at the size of the hole and comments "But why do you need such a big hole for a goldfish?"

Johnny glares at the neighbor "Because he's inside your fucking cat!"



1EcTa2LTPzrSqeB3hDjG2hdVhoKdWGexaW

Let's go to the party dressed as a dinosaur.

I'll be the front end, and you just be yourself.

The bartender said "We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."

A neutrino walked into a bar.

A tcp packet walks into a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “so, you want a beer?” and tcp packet says “yes, i want a beer”.

*LOL* nice network geek humor.

What do Charlie Sheen and Bruce Willis have in common?
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Ashton Kutcher has filled both their slots.

I won't be sending out anymore bitcents for a while, but I'd like to keep the thread open because there have been a few times in this thread where other people have decided to help out and sent money. I'll edit the op post tomorrow when I'm not so tired. :)

Reminds me of another joke I heard here:
You know what the best part about UDP jokes is?

I don't care if you get it or not.

reviving this hoping to earn a bitcent for my time and LOLs.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/6z72ZT5B7ZI

donation box address in my sig

ps: couldnt figure out how to properly embed youtube

Dont have any great jokes, but sure would like to get cheered up with a free deposit, in your honour I will partake in a cheer!!

Ooops ! Forgot my id - the joke's on me!!

12qncXwRBMYnXvZJGUdRUuXvqSMQk1AtrN

http://

no joke, just a bitcoin request? its somewhat amusing, but not very funny ;)

I ended up feeling bad for the guy instead of laughing  :-[

zombie dog needs to get the tall human on the ground to bite that throat!

Do you like fish sticks?

Saw this while waiting for the block chain to download, so might as well give it a shot!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

I'll be here all week.

1CHw4qjy9MWwsaotFmetyUYUoAW93t4Jnq ;)

Lol thats a good one.

What if someone thought that mining Bitcoin was like electronics recycling and instead of getting gold scrap they expected Bitcoin?

From BFL thread:
Interview with Butterfly Labs customers
Turn subtitles on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ERE4uiufqE

(https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=87934.msg1445857#msg1445857)

19XzA2WtthePtcLJ1Jj1EQHWnY5R6ALwFe

Bitcent sent  :D

Is this real or fake??? I can't believe it..
Why are the voices so funny?

See now I was gonna say a Stick in the Mud.

No payment required.

I stick staples up my ass to prevent cancer.

Ok I hate cats but that was funny! However I'm just a freeloader and wont pay!

Cute cat time then!  :D
http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p227/wizzerd911/1QvgfUyNBkaMqgaZ3JDI6w2.jpg

I am a bitcoin millionare

What about those hedgehogs eh? Why can't they just share?

1PZnh9xRt4ajDGsXggeyV1N76URKXqLEqB

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and
drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little
*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!

A bereft man asked his clergyman, "Pastor, my beloved dog recently died. Could there be a service for the poor creature?"

The Pastor replied, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in this church."

"But there is a new church down the road, surely they will do something for the sweet animal...for a donation of 100 bitcoins..."

The Pastor ejaculated, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian??"

How much is a bitcent, can I get a bytecent  ???






P.S. jk

Anyone remember this....? Rotflmao! ;D

Its a kinda of joke OP then hahahahaha
Here is the joke.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

I date women with too much baggage. Once, I knew a girl with so many bags that I went to help carry one of them, and she was inside.

I find this really funny. You might too! :D
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7e/c0/4c/7ec04c54bd4782ba6053d82dd318e0aa.jpg

A blind man was about to cross the road. At that time, his guide dog peed on his leg. The blind man reached into his pocket and pulled out the dog food. A passerby, who saw it all, said, "You are very tolerant, after all this, you give a dog food." "No," replied the blind - I just want to know where her mouth so I could kick her ass!"

A Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers and says:

"I'll have five beers please."

Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza laugh at your funny and unique and weird and amazing and unacceptable username
LOL

no need for tips just check this one i heard;

2 Dogs on coffee break

  Dog 1: Heard a great joke.

  Dog 2: Oh yeah?

  Dog 1: Knock kn-

  Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts

courtesy of BianDoyle @WritePlay

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian saw me and kicked me out.  :(

The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and cried:
"If you don't stop to play this eerie saxophone, I'll go crazy".
"I'm afraid too late," the man answered. "I stopped playing an hour ago."

Hey guys, thanks for the more recent jokes! Unfortunately, I'm no longer paying out in this thread. I made this in 2011, haha.

Lol :)

Breakfast?

How to hide money from your wife ?

















Use Bitcoin  ;D

Winning a joke contest is harder than a priest on a playground...

Give me all your bitcoins il refund you in 1 week i PROMISE  ;D

you have to pay a bitcent because of that "joke".