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Hey guys, I am back from rehab. I ended up staying at the 12 step program for 4 months because of the community and the fact that you learn a lot about yourself . I loved the community, the people were very friendly and we were all in the same boat (the addict boat) so everyone could hang with anyone.. I spent time with hardcore gangmembers while I myself wouldn't hurt a fly and it worked fine. After all it's been one of the best 4 months of my life - I've been bullied my whole life except in the drug world, here I could be around people who didn't say one mean thing and laught with them. The main reason I stayed that long was the community, and all of the staff are also addicts (some even gang HA/Bandidos members).. Here in Sweden the state pays for the cost, my visit there cost 210k SEK (roughly $30k). Imagine how much money the state spend on people like me every year..

The God part I left out completly, but all in all it is nothing short of a cult (*chorus* "Just for today"). But it's helping people getting clean and if brainwashing is the price to stay sober instead of living on the streets the coice is pretty easy. However I couldn't take in the program emotionally which is a must so I ended up going out to use again (somewhere I think I wanted to keep drugging too even though I know where it leads to)...

They call it a disease which I can agree with to some degree - but I dont want to call it disease, rather call it addictive personality, but there is no doubt that the drug abusers has some kind of "disturbance" with their brains. I have learned a lot about how we addicts work and think and it's kinda scary. The worst thing isn't how we destroy ourselves but how the people around us suffer.. It's really aweful and there is no treatment for relatives the same way there is for us.

I learned that after 40 days rehab only 2% manage to stay drug free, after 6 months I don't have a number but I can imagine it's about 6-8% tops. So most of the people I met there will die sadly. And another sad fact is that 64% of the peple with Hepatitus C end up with liver cancer (thank god I dont use needles).

It took my 1 hour (the bus trip) before I bought my first beer, and then another 4 hours home and then jump onto the real stuff. I don't use needles (thank whoever) because if I did that I would be dead. Now I've been on a Subutex race for 2 weeks, mixed with a ton of Benso. Worst thing is that my family will be very sad, I've told my mother that I've started drinking again but nothing about the drugs. :/ She's going to be devestated.

You can ask any questions you may have here or in PM if you want to be anomynous, one thing I learned there is that my IQ is quite high so hopefully I can help some others. You can aks about anything regarding drugs or rehabs.

Hey!

It's great to have you back in here. I hope you will never ever need a rehab again.

Well and if I can say something about addictions is that we can be addicted to everything and it is never good.
 It's good to realize our addictions when it's not too late.

You have a chance for a huge change and I believe you will not fail.

 Good luck.

Check these guys: http://www.sossobriety.org/home.html

Heard it. It's not easy, you got that right. Best of luck.

Having a addictive personality is truly self destructive. Well at least you know your short comings and try your best to not fall into the same habits again. The best thing to do is to figure out your triggers. Good luck!

 Welcome back. Im also an addict, in recovery.. I think about using often, but that drive goes away if u just dont give in to it. Im a better person when Im not using, and stress is so much more easy to deal with when your sober.. Healthier too.

Welcome back.  I don't like the idea of calling it a disease either to me I feel like it implies some kind of sever genetic disability for lack of a better term.  I'd like to think it is just a severe case of substance abuse.  Good on you for being open about your situation and offering to extend help to others that may have questions for you. +10 

Shamely enough, I've already failed. I relapsed the moment I got out, and the last 2 weeks I even did drugs on the place... I had given (this I am ashamed of for real, drugs doesn't belong at rehabs). But when it's offered in front of you once it's impossible to stop after just that one..

And the most frustating thing is that people with non addictive personalities will never understand the way we work. Things would be so much easier then..

My main trigger is boredom, not even at the home I got crazy if I had to wait for something for longer than 20 minutes without music). The nights sober were the worst, at least 1 hour to fall asleep every night (which is why I started drugging in the first place, the thoughts never rest.

I used for the last 2 weeks (out of 4 months) at the rehab, and when  I got out I relapsed - so you can say both?
Yeah I know, the crawings are sick. I had 120 pulse once because of thinking about drugs... Sick how much energy ex-addicts spend thinking about drugs. How long have you been in recovery? What kind of recovery?

Well I am addicted to everything, and most addicts are (for example computer games, running, gym, well pretty much everything we like doing) so that term I don't like :P. I think many people use it as an excuse to say that it's a disease, disease sounds worse than diagnosis. Thanks for the encouraging words.

Im really sorry to hear of your troubles SH.  Its not easy, but your bigger and better than this thing, and I trust you can overcome it.

No I am not using Heroin, I mix Sub/Benz/Alcohol mainly. Never used needles because I know that would be the death of me, the detox wasn't a walk in the park (2 years 2-20mg Rivotil + Sub/Methadone and others).

I know that I feel better sober but somewhat I can't take it in, it's too hard to stay sober. I know the duglife, I don't know the "Normal" life where you work 9 to 5. For one it sounds boring as shit and you have to pay 30%+ taxes here in Sweden... feels rewarding.  They talk about reaching your personal bottom, I wonder where mine is. Because I've had almost died 30 times the last 2 years, never been homeless or similar though. My mother is helping me with my addiction, but I've told her to start going to groups regarding how we addicts work and what they should do and shouldn't do.

It's funny when you mention computer, it's what started everything for me. Gaming 12 hours a day, became boring and drugs was an easy escape. I woked out a lot on the rehab, spent 30+ minutes 5/7 days a week on the spinning cyckle and some muscle training, muscle memory ftw, looked somewhat ripped now.

I really really tried this rehab to 100% but the result wasn't good. Hopefully I'll get better some day in the future but I dont see it in the 6 months comming up.

Thanks for the kind words, nice to have people who understand you.

EDIT: how many cycles before you got clean?

Im not sure what u mean by how many cycles, but Ive been getting high for the last 15 years. Only time i really quit was a couple times when I went to jail. This time around I Found myself in jail and I lost everything in the process.. I had once wondered where my bottom was also, I think ive found it. Because Im finding myself having to start completely over from nothing when I once had the world by the balls. Its not easy. I feel like having so many ppl thinking I will fail drives me to want to succeed and show them wrong. I have never been one for authority either so if u tell me not to do something, Im going to want to do it even more. This time is different because there is noone telling me or nagging me, Im just doing it for myself, and for my future. I cant afford to allow them to knock me off my square again, and I cant stand being part of the "system" so Im really giving it a go this time. I have bigger dreams than being a slave to drugs, and I cannot attain my dreams being addicted to drugs. Try to stay positive, and keep your nose clean.

Thanks for sharing and good luck, stay away from situations, places and people that make you consume; as you know it will take time but you will get better

what trigger your relapse?

"try oral marijuana" - Dr. Zoidberg

I know all that, I took the program with my 100% intellectually. But the problem is that 40 OD's in 2 years and I still want to use... This brain disorder (prefer to call it instead of disease, it's like Autism something you are born with) is very very tough to handle...

I don't know what triggered it really - I think all along somewhere I still wanted to keep using even when doing the right things (and I went 98% in for 4 months). Was thinking a lot about drugs but I don't think that's what triggered it. Maybe I am one of the person who "needs a relapse (BS)"..

The thing is that I am a highly intelligent person - this is not to brag it's just a fact. Never done an IQ test but been told all my life and people notice minutes after meeting me. So I take the rehab and the facts in to 100%, I understand everything and I am glad that I can help my family to some degree now. But the problem is that I can't reach it emotionally, my social worker wrote down 40 overdoses in 2 years (I woke up without air in my lungs at least 40 times, thats the moment your heart is about to stop), yet I am back doing drugs again.. Only one word for this and it's FUBAR.. I have no idea what to do. I have been putting away my feelings for so long (I can feel sympathy empathy sadness etc but never appriceate myself, even tho I know I am a great guy intelectually - everybody liked me at the rehab and kept telling me what kind of a good person I am, and been hearing that for a long time now.. But it just doesn't matter in some FUBAR way it doesn't make any difference whatsoever.

Stay strong!

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

It could be a medical issue - an imbalance in the brain's chemicals is quite often a diagnosis. The drugs wont work, they'll just make it worse...

I have autism, I propably have both ADD and ADHD. But that doesn't help me, the "solution" for that is to give out pills and if I take one I take more.

From your posts it is clear you are indeed intelligent with excellent command of the English (or American :) language). You say you have autism, then you are extremely high functioning which is good. Take up karate or yoga, some 'art' where you need to focus your mind. When you find yourself dwelling, go for a walk. Buy a dog or a cat, care for something other than 'you' that helps too. Use your intelligence to beat off negativity. See negativity as a black hole - don't be sucked in. Learn what works and what doesn't - it will take time but you should understand it can and has been done. Random people care more for you than you think. Being human is not easy - it's a struggle for us all.

Maybe you were stuck cos you wanted to go out and use again. Can't do both - feel and drug.

You're being really hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Plenty of time to use your potential and relax properly when you're better.

For now your brain is kind of under attack from all the chemicals, it's not so much a personal feature, don't worry.

Good advice from Nottm there. just one thing, maybe care for a plant (not that one!) or a small animal first.

You know you have a problem but you also need to know why you take drugs and what you can do to solve the problem that makes you take drugs once you know it

sickhouse, they have tried to tell me I need to do the 12 steps etc to stay clean. Ive told them bullshit to their faces, and tried to explain to them that theres is more than one way to solve a problem, and one approach that helps one person may not do anything for another. I would recommend meditation. Ive found it very fulfilling, and have discovered many oppressed feelings, and secrets by meditating by myself once a day. I know what you're going thru, and its very frustrating. Youve mentioned you have autism and also ADD, or ADHD. I am also diagnosed ADD, for over 10 years now, but have never been medicated for it. I have been suffering more from the symptoms and have been thinking about seeing a dr. again for this issue. I wish u luck, and hope you can get to the core of your issues. Also dont dwell on staying sober for the rest of your life, try to take it day by day. One at a time, and you will find its not so overwhelming.. I never used to believe in the disease, but as Im confronting my own demons, Im starting to wonder what drives these cravings, and other symptoms we suffer from. I believe I have a highly addictive personality, but is that really a personality trait, or is it the disease? Its very hard to deal with I understand. Ive heard all of the counseling, and I can agree to disagree with most they say, though some of it makes sense. Just hate how they confront it with a one size fits all approach, bc each persons mind is very complex and very unique. I feel much of their studies are from books, and they try to convince you what they feel is right and appropriate, when theyre really grasping at straws. I feel its more important for us to confront ourselves, and dig deep to find out why we began using, and what issues we have oppressed, and confront them head on. These issues need dealt with and cant be buried forever, or else they keep resurfacing.. I wish u luck I hope you well, and if u need anything pm me plz.

Very interesting post (it would have been nicer to read if you were separating the text in a few paragraphs)

Meditation will help anyone being healthier and happier; it is free and powerful

Thank you, that's what 5 years of gaming (effective time) will give you :) I find autism as both a blessing and a curse, but it would be nice to think like "normal" people constantly, oh well. I tried meditation at the home, but it didn't bring the massive train station of thoughts away. Some yoga as well.
I've been thinking about a dog than I have something else to prio #1 on. But I've also seen dogs end up terribly in this life, so need to think about if I can handle it.

I know what you mean about all this negative stuff, but that thinking is hard to change... Tried it but it came back. I could definatly use 1 year or so rehab, then I think things would be fixed. but Social Services wouldn't give me that much time and I wanted to bash my head in after 4 months. :P

Yeah animal sounds good companion - thing is that I am really hard on myself because I find my useless (found out this during the steps), it's thanks to bullies and psycho terror from father.

They told me that there are several treatments - 12 steps isn't as common here as it is in the US. Meditation I've tried (maybe 40 times but the thoughts are still floating aorund fucking it up). I know I may need more training there.

As to the autism ADD etc it's just small maps the goverment puts us in. We are different - however concentrating during a test with ADD is hard.
Also I would rather call it addictive personality than disease because it's more like autism or similar than a cough, but I know that there is something different with us "disease" people because a craving like that aint normal. I stole pill from my mom last week.

The one size fits all is because it works for most people - I clearly need other treatment but truth is that AA/NA works for many people out there. Brainwash but kinda in a good way - everything is better than drugs.

Lots of things here to wonder about. I was surprised when you said you were autistic. Is this a label that sits comfortably with you? Could you say more about when and how you got diagnosed?

Some days ago I was going to point out the potential double meaning when you said 'my mother is helping me with my addiction'. And now it seems like she has pills in the house, so what's going on here?

'Terror' is a very powerful word to use in connection with your father, and to my mind not an autistic person's choice of word. Perhaps someone else came up with the word?

Anyway, in one of my rehabs they treat these traumas separately; people who've been in torture camps, wars, accidents or domestic hells can be treated by hospital psychologists for PTSD-like symptoms very effectively. It takes the power out of these (series of) incidents and means you can get on with being a normal recovering addict.

It's pretty hard to get a year of rehab out of the authorities, but they do sometimes have dry communities to house you in afterwards, and there are other dry farms and communities where you farm or work solidly for as long as it takes. None of that appealed to me, but I did plan for after rehab so that it would be different this time.

Don't get too fixated on any one of the sayings in the recovery world. eg 'you have to reach a rock bottom'. Fuck that, better to wonder 'how many rock bottoms have I already reached?'

Or 'there's only a 20% sobriety rate at early stage A or month B'. Fuck that too; while it is often so much easier to recover if I give up some of my drug-addled theories about my individualism, in this case, surely, I want to be in the lesser crowd, the 20%, and then the 5% who get to stage C or month D, and so on. At some stage I am allowed to say 'I am not most people'.

How to characterise addiction? Disease, punishment(!), weakness, character trait? Whatever works for you in order for you to hurdle it. People use these formulations to stay stuck: it's incurable, most people die of it, or I did bad or I am bad or I can't help it. Well, newsflash my addict friends, things change.

Very interesting point of view of something who doesn't theorize but lived it
Of course it can get better but you have to create the environnement to be able to suceed against the drug.
What is revolting is that the State first treats addicts like people that need to be punished and leave them in the hands of the mob that sells overprized often bad quality drug without any after sell services

I dont even drink beer , hope u are ok brah

Yes very comfortable, I've learned to live with it. But I think I have ADD/ADHD too because my brain never rests. Nothing is going on, she put her foot down and I am not welcome there on substances. She had pills, she doesn't anymore. Not an addict, the opposite (father addict grandfather addict).

Powerful indeed, I could never feel safe or calm. Sometimes when doors slam I get anxiety attacks, short ones. Don't remember if I came up with but it fits, other has had it way worse though. I dont really want to go into that part.

Sounds like something I would like to try, speciallized for every human being. The rates would go up (right now 2 out of 100 make it after 40 day rehab, number we heard there). I was there for 4 months, but they didn't mention the % like that, so guess 4-5% (THAT STAY SOBER!!). If it was high he would have mentioned a number. I have my own apartment that is payed for. So roof over head and food, but also heard something about a farm, it's a possible way to get sober.

I can only talk from experience but I think it's a gene or brain disorder. It it's not an untreatable thing, you treat it as you treat cancer. But then you dedicate your whole life to them in the end.

Hope I didn't miss anything

Yeah fine just have a lot to do :) But I try to answer questions for a few hours now.

Good for you, beer is not healthy.  :)

Life right now is sleep at friends couches. Sometimes I can bring my computer, others I can't. I have an apartment but it's not usable for 3 more weeks. Been like this all the time since I came, it creates a worry in itself.

LOT and LOT of Sub/Ben/Booze (especially Benso) togher for many days now.. Starting to notice on my appearance declining and all stressed up in my body. Not the optimal situation :)

But I ride my bike a lot, and try to not stay indoors too much, take some of the rehabing with me. (30 minuites spinning bike every 6/7 days) so that's good.

I get quite a few PM from people thanking me for the info or the questions answered. Please post in the thread unless you want to be anonoyous - that way people may get some questions answered, sometimes a detail can save a life.

I am at a good friend right now, been taking uppers and been playing poker all night and doing really well :) When I have the Ritalin or Amphetamine I can really play.

I realised something yesterday, I do everything I can to live on the edge to say. Not literally everything but I ride a lot of bike as I said (and I am a good biker) and I've crashed 3 times in 4 days. Just scratches but 2 of them could have ended my life.
We can take and example; red light crossing, see car comming towards his green light but I take my chances and peddle on through the red light. Or if I see a post I try to ride as near it as possible... Or like today went down a small grass hill which was very steep - it ended with a short pavement to wall off the grass. So I came there in decent speed, dead end stop and flew off the bike.

Another injury from biking, I was going to ride on the back tire, fell straight into the pavement from behind. Landed on elbow but it could have been the headsmash iinstead.

That's just biking examples, I do a lot of stupid shit...

EDIT: picture of my sex legs now, https://i.imgur.com/uvkcZVQ.jpg make it into a link because people may find it gross. Fun to walk around with that during summer times :)



SERIOUSLY KIDS: DONT TRY DRUGS!!!

Drugs are bad because they have physical and psychological short medium and potentially long term negative effects, they cost a lot, you don't know the quality and you end up trading real happiness and great moments in the future for uncrotollable fun moments in the present

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

And social. Don't forget social you hang around with very sick people, I've had a knife to my throat once and he was on Benso+Alcohol, scratched me could have ended real bad. The good old friends go away because you are no fun to hang around with.

I notice you don't have the addictive gene/brain disorder/whatever. I've been obsessed with everything I like the slightest since I was 5 years old for example I had read over 10k pages of books at 10 years old, been spending over 1000 days effective time in front of WoW. I can't control it' my obsessions take over.

Broke my finger yesterday, smashed a wall in rage while fucked up. Plaster for 3 weeks, 2 hospital visits 3rd comming up in a week.

Don't start anything that could be bad and time consuming if done too much : no new video games, no alcohol ect.

I know, but that goes for pretty much everything in the world :/

Good to hear.Best of luck.
Drugs aren't good.Life is pretty even without drugs and needles.There is no trouble in drinking on weekends but using drugs,God I am always 10 foot away from users and addicts.Drugs isn't the answer,I think.

I call it selective memory - this also applies for gambling addicts (or any addict), even if they lose 99 times out of 100 the brain choose to ignore the losses and celebrate the win instead. So they keep going, somewhere knowing that  the path they are going down is wrong but the wins are just "WOAH FUCK YEAH". As I've said I was sober for a little bit more than 70 days, and yeah that was thanks to the rehab and the 12 steps. Yeah, there is no cure for us addicts but we can keep the "disease" (hate calling it disease, it's a brain disorder just like ADHD/ADD/Autism etc) at bay dedicating our lives to the 12 steps. I don't want to be controlled or brainwashed /lets face it the program is a big brain wash, maybe a positive one but still brainwash. I wont have it, so switch addiction to something else is what I need to do right now.. In the end I need to find balance but it's hard, hardest thing you can do as an addict.

I saw life without drugs or my computer addiction and it was great but my brain is very active, I can never relax. Train station or washing machine is a good way to describe how my brain is when I am not on drugs or have other distractions, I've come to realize that my thoughts are the root to my insomnia issues. This problem is in the way for my sobriety, at the rehab home I almost went nuts towards the end because of this. It's a problem that I don't know how to solve, maybe 10 years of trying to meditate will do..

You dont sound rude at all, us addicts need to hear hard facts, got a taste of that from a friend yesterday. It can be wakeup calls if lucky.
My abuse has reached the point where I'm tired of this side of life again so gonna try to break it up. Been using Sub+Benzo EVERY day since I came out from rehab but today I skipped the Subutex at least (replaced it with Lyrica (pregabalin) in normal doses. I don't feel anything from it anymore so I am going to try to leave it behind.. Eventually everything (as u say I got the tools, and I know how to make the detox easier by using less and less). I am no longer welcome to my mothers house which is a heavy thing, grew up there and love the place - consequence.

Btw try to break up your text next time so it's easier to read, you know the expression wall of text.

I had another consequence a week ago, broke a finger so my left hand is in a cast, so sorry for spelling errors.

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping :D. My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

Very honest and powerful story, it helps you to tell your story; it's hard man; good luck!
I can tell you it is possible not to consume and have a healthy life and healthy relationships but you have to break a lot of habits, maybe move, get a job, meet new people; easier said than done right?

http://thewhet.net/2012/this-is-it/

I have a cousin who is also went to rehab..Sober for 2 years and then relapsed.. And then got sober again, but relapsed again. I honestly dont think that one can push through without it.

Well I know a woman who was sober for over 8 years who relapsed. I also met people on meetings who had 20 years+ sobriety without relapsing, they changed their addiction to the 12-step program. So it is possible, there are people who also get sober on their own and manages but changes their addiction to something else.

Yeah easier said than done, before I started using I searched over 300 jobs (and I am good at writing and talking for myself) both via mail and by visiting the company. Never got replied back from a single one so kind of gave up at one point.
Meeting new people is also hard, especially where I live where people have their small social groups (from school or work usually). The ironic thing is that in the drug world meeting new people who accept you for who you are (only pedophiles are excluded) because everyone have the same thing in common; drugs - but those relationssips are usually very shallow for the reason that they doesn't trust anyone. And there is a good reason they (we) don't trust anyone, getting screwed over and over in the past it's hard to trust anyone fully. :/

just curious if you picked up another addiction thats replaced, since this post.

Do you think you can set free of drugs?

I do not use but I do have an addictive personality. I have had a few broken bones and I dont even mess with the pain pills because they feel so damn good I can understand the reasoning about being hooked on them. My question is this, I have had a few friends and unfortunetly family members go downt he opiate road. Do you think Suboxone/Subutex is a viable option or it is just replacing something bad with something else?

Yes you end up only hanging out with drug addicts or persons that have less upside potential and are less grounded

Do you regret getting addicted?

Personally I regret it more than anything in the world.

I haven't followed the thread but I am going to update soon - big life changes going on soon.

Yes I think it is false to say you have to test drugs to know it is bad and to experience them. I am not in favor of banning them but they are bad for you. Some drugs more than others and especially for those who have an addictive personality.

I am going to rehab again early next year, another home this time where you work every day, physical work mostly. I am very motivated this time due to not being able to face my family without great shame inside. I feel like shit all the time more or less.

I seem to have kicked the Subutex now at least, been without for 10 days (would have been 20+ days, but I found one in a vitamine can when I was suffering the worst from the detox. My brain went haiwire for 10 minutes, decided to take half get rid of the other half. I still take Benzo and Lyrica but I an going to detox for that before the "real" home where I will stay for 2-5 months.

Banning them is pointless, if people want drugs they get them. Took 2 weeks and then we had a new silk road version up (don't ask me about the adress to it because I wont answer).
I think everything should be decriminalized and sold in a very controlled way with experienced people really warning about the side affects.

We already have alcohol legalized, and it is among the top 10 most harmful to your brain/body of all the drugs out there. Heroin for example is way less harmfull physically but mentally it fucks you up. It's a very tricky subject.

Case study: Portugal?

I haven't read up too much on decriminalization though.


Sounds like a good decision. Stay strong mate.

Czechoslovakia was the first country in europe to decriminalize everything, I have a mate who lives in Portugal and life goes on as normal. But as you I haven't read up much on the subject except that it saves the government a ton of money because the bullshit cases no longer exists.


Thanks :) I'm really fed up with this life now, all I do is sit alone in front of the computer more or less... If I don't sell shit to people - I am not like the other druggies out there, I don't really fit in with them tbh. My apartment is not a mess and I dont keep my bills piled up. Plus a "friend" commited suicide in less than 6 hours after we met (we got busted by the cops, he went home and OD'd on purpose leaving 2 kids behind), he was always kind to me - there will be more death and I don't want anyone even closer to me dying :/

It is tough to read that sickhouse, use your negative past experiences not to consume next time. I think of me fat not to eat, it works sometimes.
Having a few goals and spending time on them after waking up give results. Setting up a website, starting a business, exercising, writing a blog, doing a cv, sending cvs, doing work in the house..

You can do little things that you enjoy at night.

i'm addicted to phenethylamine.  it comes in pill form now, and is as addictive as meth.  except you don't form a damn tolerance..

Organize your life to take a 2months vacation somewhere far away, you will come up clean and you may not get back into your old habits when you come back.

Since I don't recognize the name of this particular drug I assume it's a research chemical? Unless you want to die in a few years switch drug if you can't get away from drugs completely (ofc you need to try to get out of it first altogether for a decent life).

Well, the negative things in this life far outweigh the positive ones to say the least... It's the crawing that comes sneaking up on you that is the hard part. It's so strong I can not put it into words, when it came during my sober time this summer I could feel it in my whole body, especially my chest.. That is what worries me the most and what I need to be able to control. People look as addicts as weak human beings but if they knew how strong the crawing is when you've been sober for some time is they would change their opinion on that matter.

I know all the legwork that needs to be done, unfortunately my CV isn't worth shit (I think we have 25%+ unemployment rate in my age-span and I have been without a job for 6 years more or less), plus I have a criminal record thanks to even consuming drugs is an illegal offense that goes on your record over here. Plenty of fish in the sea for the employer to chose from and I am a bad fish in their eyes.
I have set goals, the primary of which is getting the fuck out of this corrupt shithole of a country. I know people have it worse in other countries but I hate being boxed in and sadly that's what we are in western society.