4 months rehab - relapse, ask your questions!

[nottm28]

what trigger your relapse?

I don't know what triggered it really - I think all along somewhere I still wanted to keep using even when doing the right things (and I went 98% in for 4 months). Was thinking a lot about drugs but I don't think that's what triggered it. Maybe I am one of the person who "needs a relapse (BS)"..

Stay strong!

[railzand]

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

[sickhouse]

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

[nottm28]

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

It could be a medical issue - an imbalance in the brain's chemicals is quite often a diagnosis. The drugs wont work, they'll just make it worse...

[sickhouse]

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

It could be a medical issue - an imbalance in the brain's chemicals is quite often a diagnosis. The drugs wont work, they'll just make it worse...

I have autism, I propably have both ADD and ADHD. But that doesn't help me, the "solution" for that is to give out pills and if I take one I take more.

[nottm28]

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

It could be a medical issue - an imbalance in the brain's chemicals is quite often a diagnosis. The drugs wont work, they'll just make it worse...

I have autism, I propably have both ADD and ADHD. But that doesn't help me, the "solution" for that is to give out pills and if I take one I take more.

From your posts it is clear you are indeed intelligent with excellent command of the English (or American language). You say you have autism, then you are extremely high functioning which is good. Take up karate or yoga, some 'art' where you need to focus your mind. When you find yourself dwelling, go for a walk. Buy a dog or a cat, care for something other than 'you' that helps too. Use your intelligence to beat off negativity. See negativity as a black hole - don't be sucked in. Learn what works and what doesn't - it will take time but you should understand it can and has been done. Random people care more for you than you think. Being human is not easy - it's a struggle for us all.

[railzand]

Maybe you were stuck cos you wanted to go out and use again. Can't do both - feel and drug.

You're being really hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Plenty of time to use your potential and relax properly when you're better.

For now your brain is kind of under attack from all the chemicals, it's not so much a personal feature, don't worry.

Good advice from Nottm there. just one thing, maybe care for a plant (not that one!) or a small animal first.

[picolo]

The thing is that I am a highly intelligent person - this is not to brag it's just a fact. Never done an IQ test but been told all my life and people notice minutes after meeting me. So I take the rehab and the facts in to 100%, I understand everything and I am glad that I can help my family to some degree now. But the problem is that I can't reach it emotionally, my social worker wrote down 40 overdoses in 2 years (I woke up without air in my lungs at least 40 times, thats the moment your heart is about to stop), yet I am back doing drugs again.. Only one word for this and it's FUBAR.. I have no idea what to do. I have been putting away my feelings for so long (I can feel sympathy empathy sadness etc but never appriceate myself, even tho I know I am a great guy intelectually - everybody liked me at the rehab and kept telling me what kind of a good person I am, and been hearing that for a long time now.. But it just doesn't matter in some FUBAR way it doesn't make any difference whatsoever.

You know you have a problem but you also need to know why you take drugs and what you can do to solve the problem that makes you take drugs once you know it

[shkiser]

sickhouse, they have tried to tell me I need to do the 12 steps etc to stay clean. Ive told them bullshit to their faces, and tried to explain to them that theres is more than one way to solve a problem, and one approach that helps one person may not do anything for another. I would recommend meditation. Ive found it very fulfilling, and have discovered many oppressed feelings, and secrets by meditating by myself once a day. I know what you're going thru, and its very frustrating. Youve mentioned you have autism and also ADD, or ADHD. I am also diagnosed ADD, for over 10 years now, but have never been medicated for it. I have been suffering more from the symptoms and have been thinking about seeing a dr. again for this issue. I wish u luck, and hope you can get to the core of your issues. Also dont dwell on staying sober for the rest of your life, try to take it day by day. One at a time, and you will find its not so overwhelming.. I never used to believe in the disease, but as Im confronting my own demons, Im starting to wonder what drives these cravings, and other symptoms we suffer from. I believe I have a highly addictive personality, but is that really a personality trait, or is it the disease? Its very hard to deal with I understand. Ive heard all of the counseling, and I can agree to disagree with most they say, though some of it makes sense. Just hate how they confront it with a one size fits all approach, bc each persons mind is very complex and very unique. I feel much of their studies are from books, and they try to convince you what they feel is right and appropriate, when theyre really grasping at straws. I feel its more important for us to confront ourselves, and dig deep to find out why we began using, and what issues we have oppressed, and confront them head on. These issues need dealt with and cant be buried forever, or else they keep resurfacing.. I wish u luck I hope you well, and if u need anything pm me plz.

[picolo]

sickhouse, they have tried to tell me I need to do the 12 steps etc to stay clean. Ive told them bullshit to their faces, and tried to explain to them that theres is more than one way to solve a problem, and one approach that helps one person may not do anything for another. I would recommend meditation. Ive found it very fulfilling, and have discovered many oppressed feelings, and secrets by meditating by myself once a day. I know what you're going thru, and its very frustrating. Youve mentioned you have autism and also ADD, or ADHD. I am also diagnosed ADD, for over 10 years now, but have never been medicated for it. I have been suffering more from the symptoms and have been thinking about seeing a dr. again for this issue. I wish u luck, and hope you can get to the core of your issues. Also dont dwell on staying sober for the rest of your life, try to take it day by day. One at a time, and you will find its not so overwhelming.. I never used to believe in the disease, but as Im confronting my own demons, Im starting to wonder what drives these cravings, and other symptoms we suffer from. I believe I have a highly addictive personality, but is that really a personality trait, or is it the disease? Its very hard to deal with I understand. Ive heard all of the counseling, and I can agree to disagree with most they say, though some of it makes sense. Just hate how they confront it with a one size fits all approach, bc each persons mind is very complex and very unique. I feel much of their studies are from books, and they try to convince you what they feel is right and appropriate, when theyre really grasping at straws. I feel its more important for us to confront ourselves, and dig deep to find out why we began using, and what issues we have oppressed, and confront them head on. These issues need dealt with and cant be buried forever, or else they keep resurfacing.. I wish u luck I hope you well, and if u need anything pm me plz.

Very interesting post (it would have been nicer to read if you were separating the text in a few paragraphs)

Meditation will help anyone being healthier and happier; it is free and powerful

[sickhouse]

From your posts it is clear you are indeed intelligent with excellent command of the English (or American language). You say you have autism, then you are extremely high functioning which is good. Take up karate or yoga, some 'art' where you need to focus your mind. When you find yourself dwelling, go for a walk. Buy a dog or a cat, care for something other than 'you' that helps too. Use your intelligence to beat off negativity. See negativity as a black hole - don't be sucked in. Learn what works and what doesn't - it will take time but you should understand it can and has been done. Random people care more for you than you think. Being human is not easy - it's a struggle for us all.

Thank you, that's what 5 years of gaming (effective time) will give you I find autism as both a blessing and a curse, but it would be nice to think like "normal" people constantly, oh well. I tried meditation at the home, but it didn't bring the massive train station of thoughts away. Some yoga as well.
I've been thinking about a dog than I have something else to prio #1 on. But I've also seen dogs end up terribly in this life, so need to think about if I can handle it.

I know what you mean about all this negative stuff, but that thinking is hard to change... Tried it but it came back. I could definatly use 1 year or so rehab, then I think things would be fixed. but Social Services wouldn't give me that much time and I wanted to bash my head in after 4 months.

[sickhouse]

Maybe you were stuck cos you wanted to go out and use again. Can't do both - feel and drug.

You're being really hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Plenty of time to use your potential and relax properly when you're better.

For now your brain is kind of under attack from all the chemicals, it's not so much a personal feature, don't worry.

Good advice from Nottm there. just one thing, maybe care for a plant (not that one!) or a small animal first.

Yeah animal sounds good companion - thing is that I am really hard on myself because I find my useless (found out this during the steps), it's thanks to bullies and psycho terror from father.

[sickhouse]

sickhouse, they have tried to tell me I need to do the 12 steps etc to stay clean. Ive told them bullshit to their faces, and tried to explain to them that theres is more than one way to solve a problem, and one approach that helps one person may not do anything for another. I would recommend meditation. Ive found it very fulfilling, and have discovered many oppressed feelings, and secrets by meditating by myself once a day. I know what you're going thru, and its very frustrating. Youve mentioned you have autism and also ADD, or ADHD. I am also diagnosed ADD, for over 10 years now, but have never been medicated for it. I have been suffering more from the symptoms and have been thinking about seeing a dr. again for this issue. I wish u luck, and hope you can get to the core of your issues. Also dont dwell on staying sober for the rest of your life, try to take it day by day. One at a time, and you will find its not so overwhelming.. I never used to believe in the disease, but as Im confronting my own demons, Im starting to wonder what drives these cravings, and other symptoms we suffer from. I believe I have a highly addictive personality, but is that really a personality trait, or is it the disease? Its very hard to deal with I understand. Ive heard all of the counseling, and I can agree to disagree with most they say, though some of it makes sense. Just hate how they confront it with a one size fits all approach, bc each persons mind is very complex and very unique. I feel much of their studies are from books, and they try to convince you what they feel is right and appropriate, when theyre really grasping at straws. I feel its more important for us to confront ourselves, and dig deep to find out why we began using, and what issues we have oppressed, and confront them head on. These issues need dealt with and cant be buried forever, or else they keep resurfacing.. I wish u luck I hope you well, and if u need anything pm me plz.

They told me that there are several treatments - 12 steps isn't as common here as it is in the US. Meditation I've tried (maybe 40 times but the thoughts are still floating aorund fucking it up). I know I may need more training there.

As to the autism ADD etc it's just small maps the goverment puts us in. We are different - however concentrating during a test with ADD is hard.
Also I would rather call it addictive personality than disease because it's more like autism or similar than a cough, but I know that there is something different with us "disease" people because a craving like that aint normal. I stole pill from my mom last week.

The one size fits all is because it works for most people - I clearly need other treatment but truth is that AA/NA works for many people out there. Brainwash but kinda in a good way - everything is better than drugs.

[railzand]

Lots of things here to wonder about. I was surprised when you said you were autistic. Is this a label that sits comfortably with you? Could you say more about when and how you got diagnosed?

Some days ago I was going to point out the potential double meaning when you said 'my mother is helping me with my addiction'. And now it seems like she has pills in the house, so what's going on here?

'Terror' is a very powerful word to use in connection with your father, and to my mind not an autistic person's choice of word. Perhaps someone else came up with the word?

Anyway, in one of my rehabs they treat these traumas separately; people who've been in torture camps, wars, accidents or domestic hells can be treated by hospital psychologists for PTSD-like symptoms very effectively. It takes the power out of these (series of) incidents and means you can get on with being a normal recovering addict.

It's pretty hard to get a year of rehab out of the authorities, but they do sometimes have dry communities to house you in afterwards, and there are other dry farms and communities where you farm or work solidly for as long as it takes. None of that appealed to me, but I did plan for after rehab so that it would be different this time.

Don't get too fixated on any one of the sayings in the recovery world. eg 'you have to reach a rock bottom'. Fuck that, better to wonder 'how many rock bottoms have I already reached?'

Or 'there's only a 20% sobriety rate at early stage A or month B'. Fuck that too; while it is often so much easier to recover if I give up some of my drug-addled theories about my individualism, in this case, surely, I want to be in the lesser crowd, the 20%, and then the 5% who get to stage C or month D, and so on. At some stage I am allowed to say 'I am not most people'.

How to characterise addiction? Disease, punishment(!), weakness, character trait? Whatever works for you in order for you to hurdle it. People use these formulations to stay stuck: it's incurable, most people die of it, or I did bad or I am bad or I can't help it. Well, newsflash my addict friends, things change.

[picolo]

Lots of things here to wonder about. I was surprised when you said you were autistic. Is this a label that sits comfortably with you? Could you say more about when and how you got diagnosed?

Some days ago I was going to point out the potential double meaning when you said 'my mother is helping me with my addiction'. And now it seems like she has pills in the house, so what's going on here?

'Terror' is a very powerful word to use in connection with your father, and to my mind not an autistic person's choice of word. Perhaps someone else came up with the word?

Anyway, in one of my rehabs they treat these traumas separately; people who've been in torture camps, wars, accidents or domestic hells can be treated by hospital psychologists for PTSD-like symptoms very effectively. It takes the power out of these (series of) incidents and means you can get on with being a normal recovering addict.

It's pretty hard to get a year of rehab out of the authorities, but they do sometimes have dry communities to house you in afterwards, and there are other dry farms and communities where you farm or work solidly for as long as it takes. None of that appealed to me, but I did plan for after rehab so that it would be different this time.

Don't get too fixated on any one of the sayings in the recovery world. eg 'you have to reach a rock bottom'. Fuck that, better to wonder 'how many rock bottoms have I already reached?'

Or 'there's only a 20% sobriety rate at early stage A or month B'. Fuck that too; while it is often so much easier to recover if I give up some of my drug-addled theories about my individualism, in this case, surely, I want to be in the lesser crowd, the 20%, and then the 5% who get to stage C or month D, and so on. At some stage I am allowed to say 'I am not most people'.

How to characterise addiction? Disease, punishment(!), weakness, character trait? Whatever works for you in order for you to hurdle it. People use these formulations to stay stuck: it's incurable, most people die of it, or I did bad or I am bad or I can't help it. Well, newsflash my addict friends, things change.

Very interesting point of view of something who doesn't theorize but lived it
Of course it can get better but you have to create the environnement to be able to suceed against the drug.
What is revolting is that the State first treats addicts like people that need to be punished and leave them in the hands of the mob that sells overprized often bad quality drug without any after sell services

[jersey19957]

I dont even drink beer , hope u are ok brah

[sickhouse]

Lots of things here to wonder about. I was surprised when you said you were autistic. Is this a label that sits comfortably with you? Could you say more about when and how you got diagnosed?

Some days ago I was going to point out the potential double meaning when you said 'my mother is helping me with my addiction'. And now it seems like she has pills in the house, so what's going on here?

'Terror' is a very powerful word to use in connection with your father, and to my mind not an autistic person's choice of word. Perhaps someone else came up with the word?

Anyway, in one of my rehabs they treat these traumas separately; people who've been in torture camps, wars, accidents or domestic hells can be treated by hospital psychologists for PTSD-like symptoms very effectively. It takes the power out of these (series of) incidents and means you can get on with being a normal recovering addict.

It's pretty hard to get a year of rehab out of the authorities, but they do sometimes have dry communities to house you in afterwards, and there are other dry farms and communities where you farm or work solidly for as long as it takes. None of that appealed to me, but I did plan for after rehab so that it would be different this time.

Don't get too fixated on any one of the sayings in the recovery world. eg 'you have to reach a rock bottom'. Fuck that, better to wonder 'how many rock bottoms have I already reached?'

Or 'there's only a 20% sobriety rate at early stage A or month B'. Fuck that too; while it is often so much easier to recover if I give up some of my drug-addled theories about my individualism, in this case, surely, I want to be in the lesser crowd, the 20%, and then the 5% who get to stage C or month D, and so on. At some stage I am allowed to say 'I am not most people'.

How to characterise addiction? Disease, punishment(!), weakness, character trait? Whatever works for you in order for you to hurdle it. People use these formulations to stay stuck: it's incurable, most people die of it, or I did bad or I am bad or I can't help it. Well, newsflash my addict friends, things change.

Yes very comfortable, I've learned to live with it. But I think I have ADD/ADHD too because my brain never rests. Nothing is going on, she put her foot down and I am not welcome there on substances. She had pills, she doesn't anymore. Not an addict, the opposite (father addict grandfather addict).

Powerful indeed, I could never feel safe or calm. Sometimes when doors slam I get anxiety attacks, short ones. Don't remember if I came up with but it fits, other has had it way worse though. I dont really want to go into that part.

Sounds like something I would like to try, speciallized for every human being. The rates would go up (right now 2 out of 100 make it after 40 day rehab, number we heard there). I was there for 4 months, but they didn't mention the % like that, so guess 4-5% (THAT STAY SOBER!!). If it was high he would have mentioned a number. I have my own apartment that is payed for. So roof over head and food, but also heard something about a farm, it's a possible way to get sober.

I can only talk from experience but I think it's a gene or brain disorder. It it's not an untreatable thing, you treat it as you treat cancer. But then you dedicate your whole life to them in the end.

Hope I didn't miss anything

[sickhouse]

I dont even drink beer , hope u are ok brah

Yeah fine just have a lot to do But I try to answer questions for a few hours now.

Good for you, beer is not healthy. 

[sickhouse]

Life right now is sleep at friends couches. Sometimes I can bring my computer, others I can't. I have an apartment but it's not usable for 3 more weeks. Been like this all the time since I came, it creates a worry in itself.

LOT and LOT of Sub/Ben/Booze (especially Benso) togher for many days now.. Starting to notice on my appearance declining and all stressed up in my body. Not the optimal situation

But I ride my bike a lot, and try to not stay indoors too much, take some of the rehabing with me. (30 minuites spinning bike every 6/7 days) so that's good.

[sickhouse]

I get quite a few PM from people thanking me for the info or the questions answered. Please post in the thread unless you want to be anonoyous - that way people may get some questions answered, sometimes a detail can save a life.

I am at a good friend right now, been taking uppers and been playing poker all night and doing really well When I have the Ritalin or Amphetamine I can really play.

I realised something yesterday, I do everything I can to live on the edge to say. Not literally everything but I ride a lot of bike as I said (and I am a good biker) and I've crashed 3 times in 4 days. Just scratches but 2 of them could have ended my life.
We can take and example; red light crossing, see car comming towards his green light but I take my chances and peddle on through the red light. Or if I see a post I try to ride as near it as possible... Or like today went down a small grass hill which was very steep - it ended with a short pavement to wall off the grass. So I came there in decent speed, dead end stop and flew off the bike.

Another injury from biking, I was going to ride on the back tire, fell straight into the pavement from behind. Landed on elbow but it could have been the headsmash iinstead.

That's just biking examples, I do a lot of stupid shit...

EDIT: picture of my sex legs now, https://i.imgur.com/uvkcZVQ.jpg make it into a link because people may find it gross. Fun to walk around with that during summer times



SERIOUSLY KIDS: DONT TRY DRUGS!!!