4 months rehab - relapse, ask your questions!

[picolo]

I get quite a few PM from people thanking me for the info or the questions answered. Please post in the thread unless you want to be anonoyous - that way people may get some questions answered, sometimes a detail can save a life.

I am at a good friend right now, been taking uppers and been playing poker all night and doing really well When I have the Ritalin or Amphetamine I can really play.

I realised something yesterday, I do everything I can to live on the edge to say. Not literally everything but I ride a lot of bike as I said (and I am a good biker) and I've crashed 3 times in 4 days. Just scratches but 2 of them could have ended my life.
We can take and example; red light crossing, see car comming towards his green light but I take my chances and peddle on through the red light. Or if I see a post I try to ride as near it as possible... Or like today went down a small grass hill which was very steep - it ended with a short pavement to wall off the grass. So I came there in decent speed, dead end stop and flew off the bike.

Another injury from biking, I was going to ride on the back tire, fell straight into the pavement from behind. Landed on elbow but it could have been the headsmash iinstead.

That's just biking examples, I do a lot of stupid shit...

EDIT: picture of my sex legs now, https://i.imgur.com/uvkcZVQ.jpg make it into a link because people may find it gross. Fun to walk around with that during summer times



SERIOUSLY KIDS: DONT TRY DRUGS!!!

Drugs are bad because they have physical and psychological short medium and potentially long term negative effects, they cost a lot, you don't know the quality and you end up trading real happiness and great moments in the future for uncrotollable fun moments in the present

[needFREElunch]

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

[sickhouse]

Drugs are bad because they have physical and psychological short medium and potentially long term negative effects, they cost a lot, you don't know the quality and you end up trading real happiness and great moments in the future for uncrotollable fun moments in the present

And social. Don't forget social you hang around with very sick people, I've had a knife to my throat once and he was on Benso+Alcohol, scratched me could have ended real bad. The good old friends go away because you are no fun to hang around with.

[sickhouse]

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

I notice you don't have the addictive gene/brain disorder/whatever. I've been obsessed with everything I like the slightest since I was 5 years old for example I had read over 10k pages of books at 10 years old, been spending over 1000 days effective time in front of WoW. I can't control it' my obsessions take over.

[sickhouse]

Broke my finger yesterday, smashed a wall in rage while fucked up. Plaster for 3 weeks, 2 hospital visits 3rd comming up in a week.

[picolo]

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

I notice you don't have the addictive gene/brain disorder/whatever. I've been obsessed with everything I like the slightest since I was 5 years old for example I had read over 10k pages of books at 10 years old, been spending over 1000 days effective time in front of WoW. I can't control it' my obsessions take over.

Don't start anything that could be bad and time consuming if done too much : no new video games, no alcohol ect.

[sickhouse]

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

I notice you don't have the addictive gene/brain disorder/whatever. I've been obsessed with everything I like the slightest since I was 5 years old for example I had read over 10k pages of books at 10 years old, been spending over 1000 days effective time in front of WoW. I can't control it' my obsessions take over.

Don't start anything that could be bad and time consuming if done too much : no new video games, no alcohol ect.

I know, but that goes for pretty much everything in the world :/

[MoonTime]

Standard topic; https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=498201.0

Hey guys, I am back from rehab. I ended up staying at the 12 step program for 4 months because of the community and the fact that you learn a lot about yourself . I loved the community, the people were very friendly and we were all in the same boat (the addict boat) so everyone could hang with anyone.. I spent time with hardcore gangmembers while I myself wouldn't hurt a fly and it worked fine. After all it's been one of the best 4 months of my life - I've been bullied my whole life except in the drug world, here I could be around people who didn't say one mean thing and laught with them. The main reason I stayed that long was the community, and all of the staff are also addicts (some even gang HA/Bandidos members).. Here in Sweden the state pays for the cost, my visit there cost 210k SEK (roughly $30k). Imagine how much money the state spend on people like me every year..

The God part I left out completly, but all in all it is nothing short of a cult (*chorus* "Just for today"). But it's helping people getting clean and if brainwashing is the price to stay sober instead of living on the streets the coice is pretty easy. However I couldn't take in the program emotionally which is a must so I ended up going out to use again (somewhere I think I wanted to keep drugging too even though I know where it leads to)...

They call it a disease which I can agree with to some degree - but I dont want to call it disease, rather call it addictive personality, but there is no doubt that the drug abusers has some kind of "disturbance" with their brains. I have learned a lot about how we addicts work and think and it's kinda scary. The worst thing isn't how we destroy ourselves but how the people around us suffer.. It's really aweful and there is no treatment for relatives the same way there is for us.

I learned that after 40 days rehab only 2% manage to stay drug free, after 6 months I don't have a number but I can imagine it's about 6-8% tops. So most of the people I met there will die sadly. And another sad fact is that 64% of the peple with Hepatitus C end up with liver cancer (thank god I dont use needles).

It took my 1 hour (the bus trip) before I bought my first beer, and then another 4 hours home and then jump onto the real stuff. I don't use needles (thank whoever) because if I did that I would be dead. Now I've been on a Subutex race for 2 weeks, mixed with a ton of Benso. Worst thing is that my family will be very sad, I've told my mother that I've started drinking again but nothing about the drugs. :/ She's going to be devestated.

You can ask any questions you may have here or in PM if you want to be anomynous, one thing I learned there is that my IQ is quite high so hopefully I can help some others. You can aks about anything regarding drugs or rehabs.

Good to hear.Best of luck.
Drugs aren't good.Life is pretty even without drugs and needles.There is no trouble in drinking on weekends but using drugs,God I am always 10 foot away from users and addicts.Drugs isn't the answer,I think.

[sickhouse]

The root of the addiction problem is a temporary amnesia that makes you completely forget how bad it was the last time you used. Only good thoughts can be recalled and they allow you to think you can do it again and nothing will go wrong. So u do it and immediately you know you screwed up, so you go to the extreme point of being on a mission of trying to forget everything no matter what it takes because it hurts so much. You don't know how you got there, but you know exactly how it will end. The twelve steps came originally from Jesus Christ's sermon on the mound, most "cult leaders" used this method when people were not as desensitized to the real world(so it would work on most). Not so much the teachings(12steps), but you eventually are being held liable to other people as a teacher and that could keep someone from using. In that situation those people say there is no cure. I find once a true decision is made to change and certain medications are used to wing you off, and you really address the amnesia problem, you can actually be free from that life in hell. You can be cured of addiction. You can stop that train of thought that keeps you using. You can unlock the door, open the blinds see a new world. While in the addiction "the addiction" is all you see around you, it's everywhere. Once you stop for good and you see a different world around you and in time you don't even notice the crazy world you were living in. You realized you have changed, you thought it was impossible to change because your mind had you convinced that no one could ever change. It is possible. I know this for a fact. Nothing is easy. The dreams last about 3 years, but you laugh about them because addiction can't call you back to it anymore and dreams about it make you even stronger. After friends and family come back into your life and new people, jobs, places and things start comming your way, you will really know you have changed. We have to change everything about our outlook, education, law enforcement and treatment on this issue. That should be the true war on drugs because what we are doing now does not work.

IMHO, learn all the tools they are teaching in all the programs and then focus on the cure, yes the cure, it's out here. I've witnessed it time and time again. I apologize if I sounded rude, it's not meant to be, it's just the way it came out. Thank you to the OP for sharing your experiences with us.

I call it selective memory - this also applies for gambling addicts (or any addict), even if they lose 99 times out of 100 the brain choose to ignore the losses and celebrate the win instead. So they keep going, somewhere knowing that  the path they are going down is wrong but the wins are just "WOAH FUCK YEAH". As I've said I was sober for a little bit more than 70 days, and yeah that was thanks to the rehab and the 12 steps. Yeah, there is no cure for us addicts but we can keep the "disease" (hate calling it disease, it's a brain disorder just like ADHD/ADD/Autism etc) at bay dedicating our lives to the 12 steps. I don't want to be controlled or brainwashed /lets face it the program is a big brain wash, maybe a positive one but still brainwash. I wont have it, so switch addiction to something else is what I need to do right now.. In the end I need to find balance but it's hard, hardest thing you can do as an addict.

I saw life without drugs or my computer addiction and it was great but my brain is very active, I can never relax. Train station or washing machine is a good way to describe how my brain is when I am not on drugs or have other distractions, I've come to realize that my thoughts are the root to my insomnia issues. This problem is in the way for my sobriety, at the rehab home I almost went nuts towards the end because of this. It's a problem that I don't know how to solve, maybe 10 years of trying to meditate will do..

You dont sound rude at all, us addicts need to hear hard facts, got a taste of that from a friend yesterday. It can be wakeup calls if lucky.
My abuse has reached the point where I'm tired of this side of life again so gonna try to break it up. Been using Sub+Benzo EVERY day since I came out from rehab but today I skipped the Subutex at least (replaced it with Lyrica (pregabalin) in normal doses. I don't feel anything from it anymore so I am going to try to leave it behind.. Eventually everything (as u say I got the tools, and I know how to make the detox easier by using less and less). I am no longer welcome to my mothers house which is a heavy thing, grew up there and love the place - consequence.

Btw try to break up your text next time so it's easier to read, you know the expression wall of text.

I had another consequence a week ago, broke a finger so my left hand is in a cast, so sorry for spelling errors.

[sickhouse]

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

[picolo]

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

Very honest and powerful story, it helps you to tell your story; it's hard man; good luck!
I can tell you it is possible not to consume and have a healthy life and healthy relationships but you have to break a lot of habits, maybe move, get a job, meet new people; easier said than done right?

[railzand]

http://thewhet.net/2012/this-is-it/

[ShintoshiBTC]

I have a cousin who is also went to rehab..Sober for 2 years and then relapsed.. And then got sober again, but relapsed again. I honestly dont think that one can push through without it.

[sickhouse]

I have a cousin who is also went to rehab..Sober for 2 years and then relapsed.. And then got sober again, but relapsed again. I honestly dont think that one can push through without it.

Well I know a woman who was sober for over 8 years who relapsed. I also met people on meetings who had 20 years+ sobriety without relapsing, they changed their addiction to the 12-step program. So it is possible, there are people who also get sober on their own and manages but changes their addiction to something else.

[sickhouse]

Very honest and powerful story, it helps you to tell your story; it's hard man; good luck!
I can tell you it is possible not to consume and have a healthy life and healthy relationships but you have to break a lot of habits, maybe move, get a job, meet new people; easier said than done right?

Yeah easier said than done, before I started using I searched over 300 jobs (and I am good at writing and talking for myself) both via mail and by visiting the company. Never got replied back from a single one so kind of gave up at one point.
Meeting new people is also hard, especially where I live where people have their small social groups (from school or work usually). The ironic thing is that in the drug world meeting new people who accept you for who you are (only pedophiles are excluded) because everyone have the same thing in common; drugs - but those relationssips are usually very shallow for the reason that they doesn't trust anyone. And there is a good reason they (we) don't trust anyone, getting screwed over and over in the past it's hard to trust anyone fully. :/

[kennenman]

just curious if you picked up another addiction thats replaced, since this post.

[picolo]

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

I'm an amphetamine addict. Been one for several years; I have a prescription, but I use more than that.

Do you think you can set free of drugs?

[hamza171]

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

I do not use but I do have an addictive personality. I have had a few broken bones and I dont even mess with the pain pills because they feel so damn good I can understand the reasoning about being hooked on them. My question is this, I have had a few friends and unfortunetly family members go downt he opiate road. Do you think Suboxone/Subutex is a viable option or it is just replacing something bad with something else?

[picolo]

Drugs are bad because they have physical and psychological short medium and potentially long term negative effects, they cost a lot, you don't know the quality and you end up trading real happiness and great moments in the future for uncrotollable fun moments in the present

And social. Don't forget social you hang around with very sick people, I've had a knife to my throat once and he was on Benso+Alcohol, scratched me could have ended real bad. The good old friends go away because you are no fun to hang around with.

Yes you end up only hanging out with drug addicts or persons that have less upside potential and are less grounded

[b!z]

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

I'm an amphetamine addict. Been one for several years; I have a prescription, but I use more than that.

Do you think you can set free of drugs?

Nope. I don't really want to at this point - I code well enough to make enough to pay for it.

Do you regret getting addicted?