Hashes to Ashes; Dust to Dust
by Omigoshi Tukafoto
A terminally ill bitcoin miner has drawn up a will stipulating that his body be consumed by fire created by his bitcoin mining rig.
Inspired by stories of unique methods of scattering ashes such as Timothy Leary’s space burial, Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes being fired from a cannon, & golfers being reconstituted as part of golf balls, a sick bitcoin miner has some last plans for an epic send-off of his own. He loves bitcoins to the point where he has decided to have his remains tied to them. However, there is a problem – bitcoins aren’t physical – they exist in cyberspace only – so there is no way to, say, scatter his ashes in a field of bitcoins. He briefly considered the OnlyOneTV studio but decided that they wouldn’t want his ashes getting their carpet dirty and it would just be awkward.
And yet, not acknowledging his passion for bitcoin mining at all would be wrong. He has been doing it for ages – all the way back to the dawn of bitcoin mining in 2009, and he has learned a thing or two. He knows what it is like to mine with a difficulty level of 1.
Enter a plan to create the ashes themselves with a unique cremation process – and be content to then treat them like most people, with a simple urn on the mantel. The plan calls for the body to be placed in a square room with no A/C, stuffed to the absolute brim (from top-to-bottom, side-to-side) with his many case-less mining rigs. All graphics cards will be overclocked to their breaking point. If that is not enough to melt components and start an inferno, strips of paper representing his USD cash reserves (but not actual cash because it is illegal to intentionally destroy federal reserve notes) will be shredded and thrown into the room until the pure heat causes the tinder/tender to ignite everything and cremate the body.
The miner had previously drafted a living will that stated that under no circumstances could relatives pull the plug on his mining rig before pulling his own plug first.