My physical experience about my culture.

[Kelward]

I come from eastern Nigeria, and there is one of our cultures that I've been hearing about and I had a chance to experience it live. I was born in the city and never physically experienced most of our cultures and traditions in the village. I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died. Her family members gathered in their house and after presenting kola nut to welcome us, we all ate and they asked us  why we came. We told them that their sister (my mother) was very sick and we have come to inform them. They thanked us for taking care of her and also coming to inform them, they then asked where she is presently and we told them that she's on a hospital bed. They asked us the name of the hospital and we gave the name of a hospital, then they asked us to bring money for transportation so that they will send some people to go and visit her and bring them report of how she is. We gave money and the oldest man in the family collected it and gave to two young men to go to the hospital. They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was them that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us and gave us food, then gave us their burial rites.

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

[PatrikStar]

Can I ask you a question right away, which culture are you talking about? American? European?

[franky1]

(im british white, but visited many african villages)
seems the tradition(i might be wrong) is to keep family informed before death, so family can visit and adjust to the fate due to come, say their farewells and such.. hence why you feel guilty of not doing that and feared telling them shocking news of death, so you lied like an actor would.. because you didnt inform them during her last days/hours

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

[Y3shot]

I come from eastern Nigeria, and there is one of our cultures that I've been hearing about and I had a chance to experience it live. I was born in the city and never physically experienced most of our cultures and traditions in the village. I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died. Her family members gathered in their house and after presenting kola nut to welcome us, we all ate and they asked us  why we came. We told them that their sister (my mother) was very sick and we have come to inform them. They thanked us for taking care of her and also coming to inform them, they then asked where she is presently and we told them that she's on a hospital bed. They asked us the name of the hospital and we gave the name of a hospital, then they asked us to bring money for transportation so that they will send some people to go and visit her and bring them report of how she is. We gave money and the oldest man in the family collected it and gave to two young men to go to the hospital. They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was them that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us and gave us food, then gave us their burial rites.

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

firstly  my condolence on the demise of your mum. Initially reading through it was strange because I've never heard of such but every culture is beautiful and unique.  Cultures and traditions are the core fibre of every society. Many person have brushed aside their cultures and traditions all in the name of being civilised. Your culture is so fascinating and I must commend the fact that you and your siblings were able to keep a straight face during the discussions ordinarily it would have been emotionally challenging for you. Its impressive that you agreed to partake in this cultural rite and you'll be able to pass this knowledge to the coming generation.

[Gozie51]

They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was them that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us and gave us food, then gave us their burial rites.

Funny... They probably went to the backyard to wait for a while before coming back to the gathering to officially announce the death of their sister.  

This is symbolic to show that death isn't what you joke with and as far as a married woman is concern in Nigeria setting, it is the right of her people to announce officially, the demise of their sister. In-laws can only use idioms or euphemism to pass such message until the official acceptance and announcement is done by her people then you can now proceed with the burial rights. So what you have experienced is the usual traditional requirements for most African communities with slight changes but the woman's people must be informed that is universal in Nigeria.

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

It is not an aberration with what you have experienced. A married woman has very huge intricacies when she dies. And where she was not properly married, the deceased husband goes through alot including doing her marriage rites and the death rites before she would be buried.

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

Hahaha @ franky1, those emissaries couldn't have gone to the hospital and return in 15 minutes with the message. It is a traditional obligation to be fulfilled by the husband people. It is a formality in traditional innuendos.

Some critics actually have criticized some part of these death rites as obnoxious and means to extort money from the bereaved husband. In fact, these extortions are more where the bereaved husband doesn't visit the in-laws while the wife was alive, if he wasn't a giver or in good terms with the in-laws. If the woman was not married properly traditionally, the matter is worse.

[Fiatless]

Does anybody here from Nigeria, or any part of the world have a similar culture? The experience looked like we were acting a movie but it was very real, this is our tradition and it's very fascinating.

Africa has some culture that is interesting and sometimes funny. Due to the close ties African culture promotes, it is expected that your guys should have told your mother's relatives that your mother is sick. Maybe because they were not notified that your mother was sick, that was why you had to pretend that nothing happened. Telling them that your mother was dead without information that she was ill would have attracted a fine.

[Stalker22]

Honestly, it sounds pretty confusing!  You had to say your mom was sick, when you knew she had passed, and then act surprised when they "found out".  Its like playing a part in a play, but with real emotions.

Its understandable that it felt like a movie.  You were dealing with the loss of your mom, which is already a huge thing, and then you had to participate in this tradition that seems so different from what you are used to.  I dont think I could do that.

[Odusko]

(im british white, but visited many african villages)
seems the tradition(i might be wrong) is to keep family informed before death, so family can visit and adjust to the fate due to come, say their farewells and such.. hence why you feel guilty of not doing that and feared telling them shocking news of death, so you lied like an actor would.. because you didnt inform them during her last days/hours

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

They were indeed lucky, some families in Africa will be in a lot of mess right now because you are expected to inform the family when the sickness started immediately after you take the deceased to the hospital you were supposed to have at least informed the head of the family and from there they will plan themselves to visits the sick member in the hospital and bringing back information on the condition of health, I guess this family are a poor family and most people my just mind their business, with no one ready to spend their own money, that is why their requested for as low as transportation far to go visit the deceased in the hospital to confirm the death acting along the script written and played by ops.

[uneng]

What is the point of lying to family members that the individual is sick and not passed away, instead of telling them the truth from the beginning of the conversation?

The only possibility I can think about is to not reach the family with sudden negative news, so you prepare them for the final strike by telling the person is just sick, so they accept the fact the case is serious step by step, until finding out the real situation, so it doesn't come to their knowledge at once.

Anyway, it doesn't look good to have to fake a situation like that. To manufacture emotions, while hiding the genuine ones when you have to express them is harmful.

[bias]

Honestly, it sounds pretty confusing!  You had to say your mom was sick, when you knew she had passed, and then act surprised when they "found out".  Its like playing a part in a play, but with real emotions.

Its understandable that it felt like a movie.  You were dealing with the loss of your mom, which is already a huge thing, and then you had to participate in this tradition that seems so different from what you are used to.  I dont think I could do that.

Count me in on that! Some things (traditional or not) are more than confusing and produce greater mental stress than the event itself. Why pass twice and "in secret" such an unpleasant/ sad event, something so stressful from the start? Well, many places have different customs but I don't know if we have to continue them.

[Kelward]

(im british white, but visited many african villages)
seems the tradition(i might be wrong) is to keep family informed before death, so family can visit and adjust to the fate due to come, say their farewells and such.. hence why you feel guilty of not doing that and feared telling them shocking news of death, so you lied like an actor would.. because you didnt inform them during her last days/hours

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

They were indeed lucky, some families in Africa will be in a lot of mess right now because you are expected to inform the family when the sickness started immediately after you take the deceased to the hospital you were supposed to have at least informed the head of the family and from there they will plan themselves to visits the sick member in the hospital and bringing back information on the condition of health, I guess this family are a poor family and most people my just mind their business, with no one ready to spend their own money, that is why their requested for as low as transportation far to go visit the deceased in the hospital to confirm the death acting along the script written and played by ops.

Both of you don't understand the message that I was trying to pass across about the meaning of the physical experience that I had about my culture and I'm trying to let the world to know. It is a culture that has always been there and I was always hearing about it until I experienced it after my mum passed on (may her soul rest in peace).

My mother's family knew that she had died and they were aware when she was sick, they knew our mission that we were coming to officially inform them about her death. But traditionally we were not supposed to tell them that our mother, their sister had died, by our tradition they are supposed to announce the death by themselves. The two young men that they sent to the hospital to see how she was doing didn't go to any hospital, they merely hung around somewhere and later came back to announce that she had died. by tradition you can not bring a bad news about the death of a married woman to her family, although they knew she had died it is customary for them to announce her death in the presence of her husband, children and relatives that came to inform them . This is a unique culture and I was wondering if it is practiced anywhere else in the world.

[LTU_btc]

First of all, sorry for a loss of your mother. Stay strong.
But I find such tradition very weird. What's the point of all these lies and bad acting? What will change if your releatives will get these sad news a bit latrer and not from? No offence, but some traditions is so strange and I don't know why some people are still following it living in XXI century.

[Solodoski]

What's the point of all these lies and bad acting? What will change if your releatives will get these sad news a bit latrer and not from? No offence, but some traditions is so strange and I don't know why some people are still following it living in XXI century.

it is about believe system and the fact that you will still work with them in the burial of your mum whether you like it or not hence it becomes necessary to make things easier for yourself by following the tradition.

cultures in Africa is very powerful most especially in the eastern part of Nigeria where the IGBO ethnic nationality reside. the believe is that negligence on certain cultural practice has the potential of harming those that have neglected the practice even if they believe in it or not.

there are cultures where if your mum dies in the city, you have no right to berry her in the city, you have to bring her back to her home land and pass through the normal ritual before she can be buried. there are others where if you cohabit with your wife that you have not married officially and by some reason she dies, before she can be buried, you must marry her, which is the culture of doing marriage for the dead before she can be buried, failure to do that is said to have effect in the life of the man.

[Dailyscript]

First of all, may her soul rest in peace. Your moms culture is one of the best culture i have got to hear about so far. Since everything got to do with you as the sons paying for every little bills. Hope the burial arrangement list was not something that you guys find it too difficult to achieve. Because in know in some part of Nigeria the cost of burying a loved one is way too much.

Can I ask you a question right away, which culture are you talking about? American? European?

It was very clear that the culture is Nigeria. Read through again

[franky1]

you were lucky your uncles/aunts didnt ask the hospital too many questions, such as time of death to realise she died long before you planned to visit them, to then know of your lies, which could have changed the experience to one where they didnt console you nor give you the burial rights,

Hahaha @ franky1, those emissaries couldn't have gone to the hospital and return in 15 minutes with the message. It is a traditional obligation to be fulfilled by the husband people.

what are you on about 15mins..
no i am not talking about the uncles quickly arriving at hospital to witness the death then inform the family in some magical fantasy 15 minute story
im talking about the OP refusing to tell the family she died and instead lied to them, to get the family to find out for themselves by being sent to the hospital beleiving she was alive to be told she was dead by the nurses...
.. if they asked the nurses when the person died. they could have worked out the OP mother died long ago before they were told she was alive

if you read the OP story more articulately

it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands

so the OP witnessed the death, done all the normal grief stuff at the hospital, then gathered thoughts to realise the extended family(her sister/brother(OP's aunts and uncles) needed to be informed. but then OP had extra time to get to a store to buy drinks, as tradition demands.. and time to talk to a third person before the visit
so OP is already passed some magical 15minute fantasy you are thinking up,

now here is the kicker, we already just read its the tradition for the son to inform his uncles and aunts (moms sisters and brothers).. but.. here is the but

but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died.

so this third person told them to go against tradition
so now the problem
the son visits the aunts, knowing his mother is now dead for more then an hour(all grief and drink purchase time, and conversations and travel added). and he tells the uncles that she is still alive(!!)

this part sounds to me like he is trying to cover up another tradition he failed at, that he should have informed them during her sickness too, which he didnt. so now he is trying to back track and cover up that mis-step by acting like she was alive.. to fake that he is then fulfilling the first tradition in full, such as informing them when sick to give his uncles time to prepare and say their goodbyes..  and he also failed the secondary tradition by not informing of death when dead..

now if the uncles.. when they did visit the hospital, hoping to see an alive but sick sister were hoping to do their last rights of saying goodbye and asking for any forgiveness's for any disputes the uncles and OP mother had in the past so both sides can rest their grievances and she can pass peacefully
(in most cultures many people wish to be at bedside pre-death to say sorry and goodbye)

but to find out she was already dead... hmm they missed their opportunity to fix any grievances pre-death. they missed opportunity to say goodbye

now the conclusion to the problem, if the uncles asked the nurse for the time of death, they could have calculated that she died over an hour before their nephew told them she was alive, thus finding out he lied to them. and so when arriving back to the home would have confronted the OP(nephew) differently

.....
now if i was the uncle, told my sister was alive. rush to make arrangements quickly so i can apologise to my sister for stuff happening with us earlier in life and saying goodbye, but finding out she died..
so returning to home to give the bad news, and whilst those on my side of the family were in genuine shock at the news i had to give them... i see the lying nephew who was not honest, now put on his second act of lying by now pretending to be shocked and shedding crocodile tears as if the news was new to him... i would have punched him in the face for having no care and respect and no honesty.

remember i would have had the legal rights to perform the funeral,

They later consoled us and gave us food, then gave us their burial rites.

but it seemed the nephew wanted to fake things to play out that he done all things to tradition to win the rights... i would have not given him food to console him nor the permission to arrange the funeral

instead i would have disowned him for his lies and him stealing the opportunity i could have had to say goodbye to my sister earlier

[jstyler]

I think franks point is valid, if the uncles had asked for the time of death they could have found out the nephew lied to them, and the whole scenario would have played out differently. The nephew would have avoided the grieving fake act and the uncles would have been able to perform the funeral rites. It's interesting to see how changing one detail can change the whole narrative.

[Fiatless]

@franky1 you didn't get the information correctly, maybe the OP didn't explain it very well. The right thing to do was to inform the in-laws that their sister (OP's mother) was sick. But since they failed to do it, to avoid some penalties it will be assumed that she is still alive in the hospital. Both parties are already aware that she was dead but tradition forbids them to say it at that meeting since her family were not informed about her illness.

Giving these elders money for transport to go and see their sister in the hospital is just for formalities.  These people will not go to any hospital,  they might just go to some distance and return back. They will just claim that they saw her and she was dead.

We also had a similar issue when a woman in our local community was not married properly.  She followed a man and had children without the man paying any bride price. After about sixty years she died. Her children wanted to inform our community that she was dead but tradition forbids them to tell us that she has died without paying the bride price their father failed to pay. The children had to pay her bride price as if she was been newly married. After a few weeks, they came back and told us that she had just died. But everyone already knew that she had died a long time ago.

All these traditions might be strange to people from Western culture but we are used to them.

[franky1]

sounds like bullshit to me..
.. real world emotional reactions cannot lie,unless your psychotic or just dont care about the person

eg
if there was some unspoken secret doorknock, or attire worn or in this case brand of drink gifted to inform of death SILENTLY.. naturally families would still grieve and react even at the SILENT sad news
EG in the military, families react at just a knock at the door from officials dressed in formal attire, they know of death before a word is said, you cant hide real grief, its human nature to react, even at a silent announcement based on just seeing some formal thing.. be it a military suit knocking at the door or a nephew bringing a certain drink

but with this said implying no one reacted and no one started grieving, no one had shock or sadness or tears:

They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes

trying to pretend that aunts/uncles knew and were just going through some fake act of not reacting.. to the unsaid news they supposedly learned...
until some money was scammed from the OP for some fake visit, on the uncles part:

They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was then that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us

to then have the uncles be the ones lying.. sound smore like a BS part of story, as the OP then wants to imply as a response to me.. that the uncles knew but went through some scam game....

because OP now (after response to me) is trying to shift the narrative from his mistakes(not informing of pre-death sickness) and now make it sound like the aunts/uncles intentions were to not grieve at all to the real, but silent death revelation. just to get some money... and then only do the fake crocodile grief only after some money making scheme on the aunt/uncles had taken part

doesnt sound like a cultural thing at all. sounds like layers of lying from psychopaths if we beleive OP's varying versions of the story to shift negativity away from him to pretend its all a tradition that everyone lies

..
i have visited many regions of africa, and yes i have seen how some people scam, and deceive, but this OP story does not sound like a tradition of real cultural reaction to death notifications and events of informing of death.. sounds more like OP making up a story to justify his mistakes... not explaining a culture normal to africans

you can spot it when he started the story with what would be tradition to tell family in neighbouring town...

I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands

but the change from tradition to become some BS story tales of cover-ups and lies, starts with the part that he next said

but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died.

 
blaming that some third party told him not to go through with tradition of death announcement.. and instead not tell family to avoid negatives of not informing family pre-death that she was sick so they can say their goodbyes.

sounds like OP is blame shifting. and then after responding to me. OP trying to make it some weird unemotional scam game on aunts/uncles part to be psychopaths via not emotionally reacting at the silent news, just to scam the OP and just fake a hospital visit to find out something they know already.. to then have the aunts/uncles and the OP then do all their crocodile tears of faking shock

just not normal on a normal human level of having emotions.. so seems OP is blame shifting and lying. and doesnt sound like a normal cultural thing, especially with how he started the story by admitting the real culture was that it was his job to inform his aunts/uncles(before he said about the third party)
again this was the only part of the story that sounds like real tradition and culture

I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands

not the other lies, blame shifit, psychopathy and game play to make it sound like aunts/uncles do this regularly to scam family as their tradition

[Fiatless]

not the other lies, blame shifit, psychopathy and game play to make it sound like aunts/uncles do this regularly to scam family as their tradition

You are correct. Although I appreciate some African cultures because they promote morals, some of them are highly exploitative. It saddened me when our tradition places so much burden on burials and marriages. Before you go to tell your aunts and uncles that your mother is late, you will be given a list of what you will come with. It would include drinks, food, and money. I find this act an extra burden to an individual who has lost a loved one. Meanwhile, a phone call would have been enough to inform them of her death and burial arrangements.

[Kelward]

sounds like bullshit to me..
.. real world emotional reactions cannot lie,unless your psychotic or just dont care about the person

eg
if there was some unspoken secret doorknock, or attire worn or in this case brand of drink gifted to inform of death SILENTLY.. naturally families would still grieve and react even at the SILENT sad news
EG in the military, families react at just a knock at the door from officials dressed in formal attire, they know of death before a word is said, you cant hide real grief, its human nature to react, even at a silent announcement based on just seeing some formal thing.. be it a military suit knocking at the door or a nephew bringing a certain drink

but with this said implying no one reacted and no one started grieving, no one had shock or sadness or tears:

They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes

trying to pretend that aunts/uncles knew and were just going through some fake act of not reacting.. to the unsaid news they supposedly learned...
until some money was scammed from the OP for some fake visit, on the uncles part:

They left and everybody was silent for about 15 minutes and they returned with the sad news that their sister had died. It was then that we started to cry and some of them joined us, the old men were shaking their heads in grief. They later consoled us

to then have the uncles be the ones lying.. sound smore like a BS part of story, as the OP then wants to imply as a response to me.. that the uncles knew but went through some scam game....

because OP now (after response to me) is trying to shift the narrative from his mistakes(not informing of pre-death sickness) and now make it sound like the aunts/uncles intentions were to not grieve at all to the real, but silent death revelation. just to get some money... and then only do the fake crocodile grief only after some money making scheme on the aunt/uncles had taken part

doesnt sound like a cultural thing at all. sounds like layers of lying from psychopaths if we beleive OP's varying versions of the story to shift negativity away from him to pretend its all a tradition that everyone lies

..
i have visited many regions of africa, and yes i have seen how some people scam, and deceive, but this OP story does not sound like a tradition of real cultural reaction to death notifications and events of informing of death.. sounds more like OP making up a story to justify his mistakes... not explaining a culture normal to africans

you can spot it when he started the story with what would be tradition to tell family in neighbouring town...

I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands

but the change from tradition to become some BS story tales of cover-ups and lies, starts with the part that he next said

but we were warned not to tell them that their sister (my mother) had died.

 
blaming that some third party told him not to go through with tradition of death announcement.. and instead not tell family to avoid negatives of not informing family pre-death that she was sick so they can say their goodbyes.

sounds like OP is blame shifting. and then after responding to me. OP trying to make it some weird unemotional scam game on aunts/uncles part to be psychopaths via not emotionally reacting at the silent news, just to scam the OP and just fake a hospital visit to find out something they know already.. to then have the aunts/uncles and the OP then do all their crocodile tears of faking shock

just not normal on a normal human level of having emotions.. so seems OP is blame shifting and lying. and doesnt sound like a normal cultural thing, especially with how he started the story by admitting the real culture was that it was his job to inform his aunts/uncles(before he said about the third party)
again this was the only part of the story that sounds like real tradition and culture

I lost my mom (may her soul rest in peace) and it was traditional that me and my siblings will officially inform her people, she was from a neighboring town. We went with drinks as tradition demands

not the other lies, blame shifit, psychopathy and game play to make it sound like aunts/uncles do this regularly to scam family as their tradition

I shared a story about my culture and how I physically experienced it, I don't have any reason to lie about what happened. I'm no psychopath, neither are my siblings or my late mother's family, nobody scammed another person during the visit. The summary of what I shared about my culture which is also practiced by my mother's town is that  by our tradition when a husband's people come to officially tell a deacesed married woman's family about her death, it is customary that you tell them that she is sick (although they know that she had died) they will act like they didn't know, then they will ask where she is and you will tell them that she's in a hospital, they will collect an insignificant amount from you then send some people to go and verify, the essence is that they don't want you to be the one that tells them that their sister/daughter is dead, they want to say it by themselves. You don't have to like this culture but it is what it is and I'd appreciate if people can respect it.

I tried to clarify this fact in one of your posts that I quote on this thread

Both of you don't understand the message that I was trying to pass across about the meaning of the physical experience that I had about my culture and I'm trying to let the world to know. It is a culture that has always been there and I was always hearing about it until I experienced it after my mum passed on (may her soul rest in peace).

My mother's family knew that she had died and they were aware when she was sick, they knew our mission that we were coming to officially inform them about her death. But traditionally we were not supposed to tell them that our mother, their sister had died, by our tradition they are supposed to announce the death by themselves. The two young men that they sent to the hospital to see how she was doing didn't go to any hospital, they merely hung around somewhere and later came back to announce that she had died. by tradition you can not bring a bad news about the death of a married woman to her family, although they knew she had died it is customary for them to announce her death in the presence of her husband, children and relatives that came to inform them . This is a unique culture and I was wondering if it is practiced anywhere else in the world.

Above is my reply to your post and I believe that I also clarified the fact about my culture there, i wouldn't clarify again. I might lock this thread if there are more misconceptions about my culture, I say this with all due respect.