4 months rehab - relapse, ask your questions!

[sickhouse]

Standard topic; https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=498201.0

Hey guys, I am back from rehab. I ended up staying at the 12 step program for 4 months because of the community and the fact that you learn a lot about yourself . I loved the community, the people were very friendly and we were all in the same boat (the addict boat) so everyone could hang with anyone.. I spent time with hardcore gangmembers while I myself wouldn't hurt a fly and it worked fine. After all it's been one of the best 4 months of my life - I've been bullied my whole life except in the drug world, here I could be around people who didn't say one mean thing and laught with them. The main reason I stayed that long was the community, and all of the staff are also addicts (some even gang HA/Bandidos members).. Here in Sweden the state pays for the cost, my visit there cost 210k SEK (roughly $30k). Imagine how much money the state spend on people like me every year..

The God part I left out completly, but all in all it is nothing short of a cult (*chorus* "Just for today"). But it's helping people getting clean and if brainwashing is the price to stay sober instead of living on the streets the coice is pretty easy. However I couldn't take in the program emotionally which is a must so I ended up going out to use again (somewhere I think I wanted to keep drugging too even though I know where it leads to)...

They call it a disease which I can agree with to some degree - but I dont want to call it disease, rather call it addictive personality, but there is no doubt that the drug abusers has some kind of "disturbance" with their brains. I have learned a lot about how we addicts work and think and it's kinda scary. The worst thing isn't how we destroy ourselves but how the people around us suffer.. It's really aweful and there is no treatment for relatives the same way there is for us.

I learned that after 40 days rehab only 2% manage to stay drug free, after 6 months I don't have a number but I can imagine it's about 6-8% tops. So most of the people I met there will die sadly. And another sad fact is that 64% of the peple with Hepatitus C end up with liver cancer (thank god I dont use needles).

It took my 1 hour (the bus trip) before I bought my first beer, and then another 4 hours home and then jump onto the real stuff. I don't use needles (thank whoever) because if I did that I would be dead. Now I've been on a Subutex race for 2 weeks, mixed with a ton of Benso. Worst thing is that my family will be very sad, I've told my mother that I've started drinking again but nothing about the drugs. :/ She's going to be devestated.

You can ask any questions you may have here or in PM if you want to be anomynous, one thing I learned there is that my IQ is quite high so hopefully I can help some others. You can aks about anything regarding drugs or rehabs.

[roslinpl]

Hey!

It's great to have you back in here. I hope you will never ever need a rehab again.

Well and if I can say something about addictions is that we can be addicted to everything and it is never good.
 It's good to realize our addictions when it's not too late.

You have a chance for a huge change and I believe you will not fail.

 Good luck.

[pedrog]

Check these guys: http://www.sossobriety.org/home.html

[HarHarHar9965]

Heard it. It's not easy, you got that right. Best of luck.

[FFrost]

Having a addictive personality is truly self destructive. Well at least you know your short comings and try your best to not fall into the same habits again. The best thing to do is to figure out your triggers. Good luck!

[shkiser]

 Welcome back. Im also an addict, in recovery.. I think about using often, but that drive goes away if u just dont give in to it. Im a better person when Im not using, and stress is so much more easy to deal with when your sober.. Healthier too.

[counter]

Welcome back.  I don't like the idea of calling it a disease either to me I feel like it implies some kind of sever genetic disability for lack of a better term.  I'd like to think it is just a severe case of substance abuse.  Good on you for being open about your situation and offering to extend help to others that may have questions for you. +10 

[sickhouse]

Hey!

It's great to have you back in here. I hope you will never ever need a rehab again.

Well and if I can say something about addictions is that we can be addicted to everything and it is never good.
 It's good to realize our addictions when it's not too late.

You have a chance for a huge change and I believe you will not fail.

 Good luck.

Shamely enough, I've already failed. I relapsed the moment I got out, and the last 2 weeks I even did drugs on the place... I had given (this I am ashamed of for real, drugs doesn't belong at rehabs). But when it's offered in front of you once it's impossible to stop after just that one..

[sickhouse]

Heard it. It's not easy, you got that right. Best of luck.

And the most frustating thing is that people with non addictive personalities will never understand the way we work. Things would be so much easier then..

Having a addictive personality is truly self destructive. Well at least you know your short comings and try your best to not fall into the same habits again. The best thing to do is to figure out your triggers. Good luck!

My main trigger is boredom, not even at the home I got crazy if I had to wait for something for longer than 20 minutes without music). The nights sober were the worst, at least 1 hour to fall asleep every night (which is why I started drugging in the first place, the thoughts never rest.

[sickhouse]

somewhere I think I wanted to keep drugging too even though I know where it leads to

you just wanted to or you did?

I used for the last 2 weeks (out of 4 months) at the rehab, and when  I got out I relapsed - so you can say both?

Welcome back. Im also an addict, in recovery.. I think about using often, but that drive goes away if u just dont give in to it. Im a better person when Im not using, and stress is so much more easy to deal with when your sober.. Healthier too.

Yeah I know, the crawings are sick. I had 120 pulse once because of thinking about drugs... Sick how much energy ex-addicts spend thinking about drugs. How long have you been in recovery? What kind of recovery?

[sickhouse]

Welcome back.  I don't like the idea of calling it a disease either to me I feel like it implies some kind of sever genetic disability for lack of a better term.  I'd like to think it is just a severe case of substance abuse.  Good on you for being open about your situation and offering to extend help to others that may have questions for you. +10 

Well I am addicted to everything, and most addicts are (for example computer games, running, gym, well pretty much everything we like doing) so that term I don't like . I think many people use it as an excuse to say that it's a disease, disease sounds worse than diagnosis. Thanks for the encouraging words.

[shkiser]

Im really sorry to hear of your troubles SH.  Its not easy, but your bigger and better than this thing, and I trust you can overcome it.

[sickhouse]

Im really sorry to hear of your troubles SH. Im assuming you are using heroin? I was on suboxone for 6 years myself after struggling with oxys, heroin etc.. That is a bad road to be on. The suboxone was worse to quit than heroin or anything I had taken before. I actually started taking heroin to get off the suboxone, until I landed myself in jail.. I had wanted to get clean for years but was terrified of being sick.. Neways I went to jail in feb of this year, and have been clean since. I think about using on a daily basis, and I actually consider it, but its just putting that thought away for the moment, and it eventually passes.. Its hard I know exactly what your going thru, and Ive been struggling with it for 15 years now. This is the longest Ive been sober in a very long time, and its actually rewarding. Things are much easier to deal with when you're clean and thinking rationally. As much as I love my opiates, I feel better without them, and I know I dont have to experience the dreaded withdrawals again. I just keep thinking about the torment and hell I put myself thru, and how I dont want to go back. Gta put the demons behind us and dont look back.
I understand u saying addicts are easily addicted to many things. I find myself playing a lot more computer games etc.. Coffee is a big thing for me.. Ive been working out daily, and actually crave that endorphin rush after a hard workout. This is a healthy addiction I suppose.. and takes my mind off other things. Helps me feel good about myself, and look good also. I wish you the best in your recovery, if u need someone to talk to anytime just shoot me a message. I dont judge ppl, and Ive been dealing with these same situations for half my life.. Its not easy, but your bigger and better than this thing, and I trust you can overcome it.

No I am not using Heroin, I mix Sub/Benz/Alcohol mainly. Never used needles because I know that would be the death of me, the detox wasn't a walk in the park (2 years 2-20mg Rivotil + Sub/Methadone and others).

I know that I feel better sober but somewhat I can't take it in, it's too hard to stay sober. I know the duglife, I don't know the "Normal" life where you work 9 to 5. For one it sounds boring as shit and you have to pay 30%+ taxes here in Sweden... feels rewarding.  They talk about reaching your personal bottom, I wonder where mine is. Because I've had almost died 30 times the last 2 years, never been homeless or similar though. My mother is helping me with my addiction, but I've told her to start going to groups regarding how we addicts work and what they should do and shouldn't do.

It's funny when you mention computer, it's what started everything for me. Gaming 12 hours a day, became boring and drugs was an easy escape. I woked out a lot on the rehab, spent 30+ minutes 5/7 days a week on the spinning cyckle and some muscle training, muscle memory ftw, looked somewhat ripped now.

I really really tried this rehab to 100% but the result wasn't good. Hopefully I'll get better some day in the future but I dont see it in the 6 months comming up.

Thanks for the kind words, nice to have people who understand you.

EDIT: how many cycles before you got clean?

[shkiser]

Im not sure what u mean by how many cycles, but Ive been getting high for the last 15 years. Only time i really quit was a couple times when I went to jail. This time around I Found myself in jail and I lost everything in the process.. I had once wondered where my bottom was also, I think ive found it. Because Im finding myself having to start completely over from nothing when I once had the world by the balls. Its not easy. I feel like having so many ppl thinking I will fail drives me to want to succeed and show them wrong. I have never been one for authority either so if u tell me not to do something, Im going to want to do it even more. This time is different because there is noone telling me or nagging me, Im just doing it for myself, and for my future. I cant afford to allow them to knock me off my square again, and I cant stand being part of the "system" so Im really giving it a go this time. I have bigger dreams than being a slave to drugs, and I cannot attain my dreams being addicted to drugs. Try to stay positive, and keep your nose clean.

[picolo]

Thanks for sharing and good luck, stay away from situations, places and people that make you consume; as you know it will take time but you will get better

[cookiemonsterwhat]

what trigger your relapse?

[Bitcoin Magazine]

"try oral marijuana" - Dr. Zoidberg

[sickhouse]

Thanks for sharing and good luck, stay away from situations, places and people that make you consume; as you know it will take time but you will get better

I know all that, I took the program with my 100% intellectually. But the problem is that 40 OD's in 2 years and I still want to use... This brain disorder (prefer to call it instead of disease, it's like Autism something you are born with) is very very tough to handle...

[sickhouse]

what trigger your relapse?

I don't know what triggered it really - I think all along somewhere I still wanted to keep using even when doing the right things (and I went 98% in for 4 months). Was thinking a lot about drugs but I don't think that's what triggered it. Maybe I am one of the person who "needs a relapse (BS)"..

[sickhouse]

The thing is that I am a highly intelligent person - this is not to brag it's just a fact. Never done an IQ test but been told all my life and people notice minutes after meeting me. So I take the rehab and the facts in to 100%, I understand everything and I am glad that I can help my family to some degree now. But the problem is that I can't reach it emotionally, my social worker wrote down 40 overdoses in 2 years (I woke up without air in my lungs at least 40 times, thats the moment your heart is about to stop), yet I am back doing drugs again.. Only one word for this and it's FUBAR.. I have no idea what to do. I have been putting away my feelings for so long (I can feel sympathy empathy sadness etc but never appriceate myself, even tho I know I am a great guy intelectually - everybody liked me at the rehab and kept telling me what kind of a good person I am, and been hearing that for a long time now.. But it just doesn't matter in some FUBAR way it doesn't make any difference whatsoever.