AgoristTeen2 (OP)
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May 10, 2011, 10:21:31 AM |
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Here is "Mood Swings" in four parts
Mood Swings
Part One: Singularis/Alone I dreamed I was dying, but no one would help, because no one else cared. I woke, alone and frightened, wondering what am I leaving here? What will my legacy be? When I move from this life, to the next.
No one will miss me, when I'm dead and gone. I've tried to leave behind some reasons to be missed, but I need help, I can't do this myself. I don't want to be alone, I need someone, anyone to love me, to help me.
Surrounded by solitude, lost and alone. Stumbling through the darkness, I cried out for someone to come and help me...but no one came. As I stumbled through the darkness of my life, I wondered why would no one come? Why am I so alone? As I fell to the ground, tired, beaten down, and alone, I realized, the fault was my own. In my constant angst and brooding I drove away everyone who cared about me, I pushed them away, because I wanted to be alone, and made them despise and revile me. Few though they were, I still had people who cared a lot about me, but no more. I'm alone, and the fault is my own.
No one will miss me, when I'm dead and gone. I've tried to leave behind some reasons to be missed, but I need help, I can't do this myself. I don't want to be alone, I need someone, anyone to love me, to help me.
In my misery I didn't realize how much the few people who cared about me, did care...at least before I drove them away. And now I wonder what it feels like to have someone to cares about me, someone who will be my friend, someone who is the one for me. I try to remember how it felt when I had friends, even if I didn't realize it...but I can't. I've forgotten the feeling and will probably never experience it again.
No one will miss me, when I'm dead and gone. I've tried to leave behind some reasons to be missed, but I need help, I can't do this myself. I don't want to be alone, I need someone, anyone to love me, to help me.
I need a girl, a woman, who will love me, and who I love. I need a woman who is the one for me, the one who could be my “soul mate”. But will it matter? Will it matter if I find the woman who is meant for me, if I'm so unpleasant a person, if I'm so complete a loser, that she won't want to be anywhere near me?
No one will miss me, when I'm dead and gone. I've tried to leave behind some reasons to be missed, but I need help, I can't do this myself. I don't want to be alone, I need someone, anyone to love me, to help me. There has to be somebody out there.
Part Two: Ardentius Ira/Burning Rage
Filled with a burning rage toward myself, I pace back and forth in my room,trying to think of a way to change. But I've already tried so hard. And in the end, it doesn't even matter. No matter what I do, no one will care, I pushed away and angered the only people who will ever care about me, I've made them hate me, I will never again know that feeling, the feeling that I've forgotten, the feeling of having people care about me. And the fault is my own
Okay, alright, if no one else will care, then fine. I don't need anyone. I can make it by myself. Everyone else can rot in hell for all I care, since I can rot in hell for all they care. They don't care about me, then I won't care about them.
Feeling the burning fury in my blood, my pulse pounding in my head as I rage at the world, and how no one cares, and how utterly alone I am, I scream with fury, I rip apart my room, until my room looks like a natural disaster came through it.
Okay, alright, if no one else will care, then fine. I don't need anyone. I can make it by myself. Everyone else can rot in hell for all I care, since I can rot in hell for all they care. They don't care about me, then I won't care about them.
Going mad with the rage I feel, becoming drunk on the ardent ire with which my blood, my soul, every fiber of my being sings, I temporarily give into my inner demons, embracing, and becoming one with them.
Okay, alright, if no one else will care, then fine. I don't need anyone. I can make it by myself. Everyone else can rot in hell for all I care, since I can rot in hell for all they care. They don't care about me, then I won't care about them.
Breaking loose from the moral restraints that enslaved me, that held me down, I rampage through the woods near my home under the light of the full moon, my fiery aura of primal rage, causing all of God's creatures on this hellhole of a planet to flee from me.
Okay, alright, if no one else will care, then fine. I don't need anyone. I can make it by myself. Everyone else can rot in hell for all I care, since I can rot in hell for all they care. They don't care about me, then I won't care about them. It's me against the world.
Part Three: Dolor/Sorrow
Returning from my rampage through the forest I collapse in my room, sobbing as I realize that I am totally alone in this world. Everyone has left me, because of my misery, not wanting to deal with a worthless loser like me. Not that I can blame them, I wouldn't deal with me, if I didn't have to, so I can't blame them for giving up on me, and leaving me to drown in the sea of my sorrow.
It'd be so much easier to run, to replace this pain, this sheer agony, with something numb. To never move forward, so there would never be a past to dwell on. It would be so easy, to give up, and never looking back. To fall down, and never get up.
Filled with the agony of my isolation, I cry out to the Lord, begging for help, pleading to God that I need him to undo what I've become, that I don't want him to do this for me, but to simply give me the push I need. And yet...he never answers.
It'd be so much easier to run, to replace this pain, this sheer agony, with something numb. To never move forward, so there would never be a past to dwell on. It would be so easy, to give up, and never looking back. To fall down, and never get up.
My faith shaken like a house in an earthquake, I wallow in my misery, drowning my sorrows in soda, and junk food. After all, no woman, will even look at me with anything except pity, so why should I take care of myself?
It'd be so much easier to run, to replace this pain, this sheer agony, with something numb. To never move forward, so there would never be a past to dwell on. It would be so easy, to give up, and never looking back. To fall down, and never get up.
Despite the vast amount of food I devour, I slowly waste away, as I slowly give up and lose my will to live, until finally I decide to end it all.
It'd be so much easier to run, to replace this pain, this sheer agony, with something numb. To never move forward, so there would never be a past to dwell on. It would be so easy, to give up, and never looking back. To fall down, and never get up.
As I vomit over and over again the substances making up the pills I took coursing through my body, I realize I made a horrible mistake. I plead with God, to save me, to give me another chance, to help me survive, so I can repent for my sins, and for giving up on the Lord, I bargain with him, pleading that I'll do anything he wants, if he saves me and gives me another chance.
Part Four: Conflavi/Refined
As I heal from my ill-thought out attempt and ending my pain, and my suffering, I thank God for saving me, and promise to him and myself, that I will never do something so foolish again, and that I will try my hardest to repent for my sins, and for losing faith in God.
For the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not. And though I walk through the darkest times in my life, I will trust in the Lord for his rod, and his staff comfort me. God is light of my salvation, whom shall I fear? He is the strength of my life, what do I have to be afraid of?
Though I have no one in this hellhole known as Earth, I know I have the Lord, and I will trust in him for all the days of my life, and all of my time in the next. He has brought me out of the pit, and out of the miry clay. He has set my feet upon the rock, and made my footsteps firm. I will sing the praises of the Lord, all the days of my life and all of my time in the next.
For the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not. And though I walk through the darkest times in my life, I will trust in the Lord for his rod, and his staff comfort me. God is light of my salvation, whom shall I fear? He is the strength of my life, what do I have to be afraid of?
I have been refined by the flames of world. The problems I have faced have melted me down, only for me to be reforged, and tempered, like the steel of a strong blade. Though I regret many of my mistakes, and wish I could go back and fix them, I do not dwell on the past, and I look forward to to the brightness of the future.
For the Lord is my shepherd and I shall not want. And though I walk through the darkest times in my life, I will trust in the Lord for his rod, and his staff comfort me. God is light of my salvation, whom shall I fear? He is the strength of my life, what do I have to be afraid of?
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