I once ran a demolition business, but it all came crashing down

I threw it five years ago, it never came back and now I live in constant fear

Overthinking something is not the same as thinking it over

A boomerang with teeth will come back to bite you!

Time travel ain't what it will have been

I had a fear of heights, but I rose above it

Mike Tyson is so religious that he punches people in the faith

While one fifth of people are just too tense!

At night, I used to lie in my twin's bed and wonder where my brother was

I promised my farmer friend to get his cows hooked on weed – the stakes have never been higher

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink and now waiting at urgent care to be seen

I once hooked up with a Japanese porn star, but it was a total blur

You fell for it hook, line, and sinker

I'm dating a mermaid I met online

The person who coined the phrase “One Hit Wonder” never came up with another catchphrase

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

This year I've been walking five miles a day to lose weight, now I just need to figure out how to get home

I was recently fingered for a crime, which seems like a really weird punishment

Parenthood is like debugging code - you never really know what's going to happen until it's too late