Confirmed Bad News Sources Thread - No FUD, Just Facts!!!1

Quote from: An amorous cow-herder on January 14, 2014, 04:01:05 PM

More bad news, this time from Russia!
Paleontologists from the russian acadamy of sciences have discovered disturbing facts.

As russian paleonologist Arju Kiddn states the extinction of dinosaurs was commonly linked to a meteor impact. However recent research is about to revise this view.
While there is no dispute among paleontologists that crypto-currencies presented the backbone of the prehistoric dinosaur economy recent evidence suggests this was actually the reason for their downfall.
As Arju Kiddn explains 95% of the dinosaur population died excactly at 14:05PM GMT on 45312097 BC. This is too precise a time to consider a meteor impact a valid explenation, the shockwaves and dust would have required more time cover the whole surface.
The obvious explanation? Mammals were able to steal all coins from the dinosaurs. Wether this is due to inherent flaw in the hashing function used by the dinosaurs or a sudden advance in quantum computing on the side of the mammals is up for dispute, but the result cannot be denied. With their private keys compromised the dinosaurs lost. Every single coin.

(a dinosaur realizing what had happened, mere moments before comming ritual suicide with a tapiju)

As Arju Kiddn explains this must have been a devastating experience for the proud dinosaurs, causing most of them to commit ritual suicide with a tapiju ("Tar pit jump", Editors note). The remaining dinosaurs lost their will to live and died out in the coming weeks.

(a typical stone wallet as used by dinosaurs for cold storage, alas it offered no protection once the private keys were compromised)

Still, one wonders. What happened to all the coins stolen from the dinosaurs. Arju Kiddn has the answer. He states that recent advances in DNA sequencing finally provided scientists with this last crucial part of the puzzle. "Lemmings!", Arju Kiddn grins as he makes this final undisputable point, "its so obvious when you think about it. After stealing all the coins from the dinosaurs the lemmings, or, more precisely, their ancient ancestors had the biggest party on the planet ever. This phase of uninterrupted drug abuse and partying caused permanent brain and genetic damage, causing huge parts of the population to jump of cliffs. The genetic damage was so large even modern world lemmings still exhibit this suicidal behavior!"

(Lemmings, suicidal behavior and green hair directly linked to major drug abuse more than 45M years ago)

Given these recent discoveries Arju Kiddn warns from the dangers inherent in crypto-currencies. "Crypto-currencies caused the extinction of dinosaurs. Who says we will fare any better if we repeat this mistake? Sure, we could exterminate all lemmings, but would that be safe? I hear the bees are pretty pissed because of all the electro smog we are producing ..."

Pure gold.