Lending money or damaging family bond ?

[kryptocanon]

Good for you to have known him so well. However, I would say, since he's family to you, why nit you're him the little you know it won't hurt you, something you know so well that it won't affect you in any way possible. I mean like a dash out.

[doomloop]

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

That happens, and to be honest, I would have done the same if I was you. I mean, if it was someone like a brother or someone too close, you might give it to them also knowing that they would return it eventually, but to someone who is from the extended family and also not really reliable when it comes to returning the borrowed money, it's just better to make an excuse and avoid it.

The thing that happened with you at the event would have happened even if you had given him the money, but the only difference would have been that you would be the one looking at him differently, like with the eyes of, "Where's my money, man?" and he would be the one to be in an awkward situation, but I really doubt it, people like that don't really feel awkward, but they just dodge you and get away from the situation to avoid encounters.

[Kakmakr]

I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.

Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK. 

[Marcellin9]

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Sometimes the hardest thing it takes to learn in life is the ability to say no. There are some extreme examples and emergencies, where if you have a strong relationship, that goes equally both ways - then it can make sense to give someone money to help them out, if you have it to spare. However the keyword there is give. Lending money to friends and family is only going to lead to lots of problems in the longer run. If they need money then give it to them on the basis that you expect to lose it all and only what you can reasonably afford, that way when they do pay it back it works out best for everyone. Nobody that asks, essentially begs, for money and is angry when you refuse is worth being around anyway - your cousin did you a favor by showing how little they value you.

Thank you for putting youself in my shoes. You know why I did not lend him the money ? We had not seen each other for years and even when we were young, he was taking every opportunity to take advantage of me. I still remember him negelecting me and my calls for so reason and how come when he needed money, he would just call me to ask for money ? To be honest, I did have the money but I refused to lend him. I bet if I were to give him the money, he would disappear for years and I would never get my money back. Well, you are absolutely right that his holding grudge shows how little he values me. Saying no to him was the right thing I have done.

[Qiubell5]

Loaning money is very good, to people in their time of trouble or trouble. But what you have to think about is, you must feel sorry for him, but you also don't want him to not pay, because not paying debts is a bad habit. You must be in a dilemma, and not lend it in the end. I thought that was good, maybe now he has borrowed from someone else. And regarding the family, there will always be complaints and problems. So, I just pray for you, I hope your family is always healthy, also always in harmony and away from fights.

[michellee]

We can borrow money from our relatives, but we can also not borrow money from them, especially if he is not someone we can trust or we really know their character. It's not that we don't want to help him but he probably won't return the money we borrow when we already have plans to use the money.

There is indeed a brother who will come to us when he needs us; when he doesn't need us, he will ignore us, which is not a good brother. I had that too and lent him the money because I know his character well and he can be trusted.

[Krislaw]

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Sometimes the hardest thing it takes to learn in life is the ability to say no. There are some extreme examples and emergencies, where if you have a strong relationship, that goes equally both ways - then it can make sense to give someone money to help them out, if you have it to spare. However the keyword there is give. Lending money to friends and family is only going to lead to lots of problems in the longer run. If they need money then give it to them on the basis that you expect to lose it all and only what you can reasonably afford, that way when they do pay it back it works out best for everyone. Nobody that asks, essentially begs, for money and is angry when you refuse is worth being around anyway - your cousin did you a favor by showing how little they value you.

You know why I did not lend him the money ? We had not seen each other for years and even when we were young, he was taking every opportunity to take advantage of me. I still remember him negelecting me and my calls for so reason and how come when he needed money, he would just call me to ask for money ? To be honest, I did have the money but I refused to lend him. I bet if I were to give him the money, he would disappear for years and I would never get my money back. Well, you are absolutely right that his holding grudge shows how little he values me. Saying no to him was the right thing I have done.

This right here!
You had genuine intentions for him when you were guys were young but he had the opposite. I wonder why he lost his job in the first place. And there is also a lot more than the story he might have cooked up for you.
It very risky to associate money with such person.

[speedy963]

This story may be considered to be off topic but this commonly happens on every occasion in every household or even those circle of friends. I was once in a situation that one of my friends tried to loan money from me, and at that time though I have money, it was intended for paying the bills and some other expenses so I turned him down. It came the time that we were at the event and when I greeted him he felt awkward and just imediately change the topic so he could go away. It turns out that he was sulking and still holding a grudge om me for turning him down, and that's it. I didn't bother explaining about why I did that coz it feels like I'm the one at fault on that situation and it's no longer my problem if he will act that way.

There're really times that people don't want to understand your situation but when it comes to yourself you always try to understand them. I already reached that point where if they don't want to, then I won't coz it only feels like I'm wasting my energy when I could use it in a more productive way.

[rahmad2nd]

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Helping your own family, when you yourself are well established, I'm sure that is a noble goal. but the problem is, whether the type of assistance provided is appropriate.

Well, this is a dilemma when referring to the story of what you are telling. I'm sure, there are various perspectives from the point of view of the members here. well, the question is in yourself. before the relationship between you and your cousin broke down, which was caused by the condition of not giving a loan. you can review again, maybe urgent circumstances make your cousin try to borrow money from you. because, you really understand the behavior of your cousin.

At least, investigate it first. Is what he said true, if so, then how is he responsible for the money he borrows later. yes, at least, you can also give him a little space for him to defend himself. plus, how is the responsibility. but yes, because this has already happened. there are no other words, other than you try to say hello to try to improve so that the bond between the family is restored.

[Huppercase]

I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.

Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK. 

What people don't understand is that people value money more over love, and money will finish but what bind us together is love and companionship. You have done a good deed and having a pity for the daughter to lend the money is one of the thing he can never repay even if he want to pay back, all that matter in this life should be all about love and there will restore of peace.

Your story made me to remember when I borrow my hostel mate some money to buy food stuff, he was in need and wanted me to borrow him after when others has rejected his requests, he made all kind of promise to ginger me but I did because I know he doesn't have a way to back and guess what, he never pay me back and I have forgoten it, your story brings back the memory.

[Davian144]

What you are doing is actually right, you don't need to feel guilty, it's just your own excessive feeling. Maybe if at that time you gave a loan and he couldn't pay it in a timely manner, that would be a new problem again, maybe when we met, he would feel even more awkward than now.

Maybe not feeling guilty, but more feeling bad because it has to do with family. Even though by not giving him a loan in the form of money by saying it's okay, it won't cause family ties to be broken because we will still be good with our own family even though there is resentment because we don't help him. And what you say is actually also very correct.

Because I also have experience with this. Very traumatized by this debt problem. I have a close friend, at that time the economy was not stable, his wife was pregnant, then she wanted to give birth. He begs for help, the reason is to buy baby milk, who can bear to see it, while I can help. That was several times until the debt was around $1500. So when I was having a hard time, there was no money, I needed money. When I bill it, it's hard to ask for forgiveness, until it's like someone begging. Even though I had given him more than 8 months to prepare the funds, it didn't even need to be paid off.
It's really sad, the promise at the beginning will be paid on time, when I bill it turns out there isn't any. I finally had to ask someone else for a loan.

It was a very sad and painful experience because he has no gratitude and also a sense of helping each other when you need help and ask for your own money. That is why there is no need to entrust more people in terms of money including your own friends, as well as your own family because often family ties get messed up because of money loan problems that are not paid on time.

[uneng]

You did well by not lending money to him, since he is untrustworthy. And in no way you can be blamed for damaging a family bond, rather it's your cousin who damaged it by adopting a hostile stance towards you just because you didn't do what he wanted.

Instead of getting upset, he should be concerned regards improving his reputation on your local relationships' circle, so he could have support from family members like you, who are willing to help, but that don't want to be deceived at same time.

[xSkylarx]

Any time we lend money to someone, whether it be a friend, family member or even our own parents, this is a decision that will have an effect on the relationship. The reason for lending money to someone is to help them with their financial problems and in return you always expect more than just money

When it comes to this, my real thought is that I will only help them as long as their need for help is genuine. I will help them as much as I can, knowing how difficult it is to be in that kind of situation. I don't go after relationships, but I always think that I will need their help in the future, so I won't expect them to pay it back. 

[kro55]

If I were you, I would do the same, and there's nothing to be upset about when he doesn't want to talk to you. In case of lending money to an unreliable person, you also lose them someday along with the loan amount. I met once, I lent money to a friend, and he not only didn't pay, but also cut off contact with me. I guess maybe he couldn't afford to pay me back and was embarrassed to face me, and cutting off contact with me was the only thing he could do. Money is something that can maintain happiness and friendship... but also something that will make everything fall apart quickly, including husband and wife and brothers...

[harapan]

I hope your cousin understand and and be mature about your situation now. because it doesn't mean you hate him didn't lend the money, maybe you just want your cousin understand if the family relationship is very important than money. So that case you won't lend him.

If the family relationship is more important than money then why not just give him the loan and whether he returns it on not they still have a good family relationship?
Its not advisable to give someone you don't trust a loan, family or not but when when a family or friend is in need you make a conscious effort to help out. Helping out can be in different ways, it doesn't necessarily mean giving them the loan they asked for. It could be helping them look for a job, giving them free money for their upkeep (it doesn't have to be too much), getting them groceries if you can afford it. At least just show them that you care by just being there for them in their hard times. We always talk about being better people but when the time comes we do the opposite. Yea, I know you've got to look out for yourself, but there's a thin line between looking out for yourself and being completely inconsiderate.

[maydna]

I would not loan him money if I had a cousin like @OP. But maybe I will help him find a job so he can return to work and earn some money. I was worried that if I loaned him the money, he would have a hard time paying it back, which is something I don't want. I'd rather help him find a job than lend him money. After all, I know him better than anyone else so I have another reason why I don't lend him the money. And if not wanting to lend him this money makes him shut me out, that's fine with me because I have nothing to lose.

He shouldn't have done that because the amount of money he wanted to borrow was enormous. And not everyone has that large amount of money. But if my cousin was someone I could trust, I might lend him a little money to survive while he looks for another job.

[jossiel]

If I were you, I would do the same, and there's nothing to be upset about when he doesn't want to talk to you. In case of lending money to an unreliable person, you also lose them someday along with the loan amount. I met once, I lent money to a friend, and he not only didn't pay, but also cut off contact with me. I guess maybe he couldn't afford to pay me back and was embarrassed to face me, and cutting off contact with me was the only thing he could do. Money is something that can maintain happiness and friendship... but also something that will make everything fall apart quickly, including husband and wife and brothers...

Been there and done that.

I've met a lot of people that have taken a personal loan from me and they didn't even bother to chat or talk to me that they can no longer pay. All of them ignored their obligation of paying me back even without the interest. I'm easy to talk with and they're the one who have set the conditions of their payment terms and interest rates.

I nodded and agreed with everything they've said and then I've just come to realized that all of those were just sweet talks. It's normal to have lesser friends and relatives if they're not even thinking of paying you or by asking you telling that they are sorry for not paying you yet.

[reagansimms]

People who only care about themselves without caring about people who have helped them are toxic in a family or friend relationship. Family relationships are at risk of cracking if the money lent is not paid. In the case of lending and borrowing, the riskiest is the lender if the person borrowing the money cannot be trusted.
To avoid this, it is necessary to have an initial agreement agreed upon by both parties written on paper, if necessary, make it in front of a third party as a witness if the amount is large.

[isaac_clarke22]

~

You already had answered your question, OP. He's not trustworthy at all. Even here in the forum, nobody would lend you a single penny if you have a bad history of being not trusted or even defaulting on a loan at all.

Don't feel too bad that just because you're "family" that you should be like a pushover or even a doormat to your relatives. Imagine a situation on chasing after your cousin through calls or phone message to pay you up, but received no reply and the only response you would possibly get is "just move on with it, we're family right?". Sometimes even one of your own would be the one to destroy your trust.
This seems like a common stuff to happen in Asian countries and believe me, it really happens. Some would even do the opposite of wanting you to repay their lent money.

[coupable]

I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.

Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK. 

Not everyone is as good as your mind imagines, and the example you gave is not a literal borrowing. You literally gave him a subsidy voluntarily, since you know that this will not help his sick sister, and he will not be able to pay it back. Nor do I expect that you can really find someone to help you in the same way for free.
You seem very optimistic and confident in your relationships even if they are not giving you benefits. As far as I know, there is no longer a place for good people in our world today, and people like you are supposed to be constantly traumatized.