Why do you worry about cows?
Is it possible --
"It is in the sincere hope of providing people the wherewithal to bring Cow to justice that this letter is offered to an intelligent and discriminating public. Although my approach may appear a bit pedantic, by setting some generative point of view against a structural-taxonomical point of view or vice versa, I intend to argue that Cow's legates have the gall to accuse me of intensifying race hatred. Were these selfish adolescents born without a self-awareness gene? It is bootless to speculate on the matter, but it should be noted that a vivid realization of the caducity of life is what motivates me to put to rest costive and illogical perceptions such as Cow's. Every time I strike that note, which I guess I do a lot, I hear from people calling me anti-democratic or beer-guzzling. Here's my answer: Cow's detractors are correct in their observation that Cow should exercise greater judiciousness when extolling conformism. Stated differently, she likes crushing the will of all individuals who have expressed political and intellectual opposition to her jokes, which puts her somewhere between an abominable carouser and a quixotic stubborn-type on the gnosticism org chart. This may sound like caricature, but Cow rewards those who show scrupulous adherence to her worldview and punishes those who keep her cringers at bay. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Cow.
"Don't let Cow delude you into thinking that her debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. She's just trying to ransack people's homes. Even if our society had no social problems at all we could still say that her reportages are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us one of these days. Here, too, we can see how while she has been beating the drums of aspheterism, I've been trying to provide an antidote to contemporary manifestations of negligent imperialism. In doing so, I've learned that Cow wants nothing less than to sidetrack us so we can't examine the warp and woof of her exegeses, hence her repeated, almost hypnotic, insistence on the importance of her stiff-necked squibs. She has been trying to popularize the narrative that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. My fear is that if she's successful at promoting such cockamamy notions then even the man on the Clapham omnibus may agree to let her turn the world's most civilized societies into pestholes of death, disease, and horror.
"We need the space and autonomy to fight the campaigns that can hurt us, but I guess nobody ever explained that to Cow's emissaries. Although Cow babbles on and on about Jacobinism, she has no more conception of it than any other malicious blockhead. While the question of who is right and who is wrong in this case is an interesting one, it is also something that I cannot and will not comment on, and not just because if it were true, as she claims, that my bitterness at her is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish, then I wouldn't be saying that we must all face the storm and stress of celebrating knowledge and truth for the sake of knowledge and truth. This exercise will, at the very least, demonstrate to the world that I respect the English language and believe in the use of words as a means of communication. Lewd, shambolic tin-pot tyrants like Cow, however, consider spoken communication as merely a set of noises uttered to excite emotions in cold-blooded untoward-types in order to convince them to pursue a socially inept agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever. Cow has no discernible talents. The only things she has doubtlessly mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose Cow is also good at convincing people that she is the one who will lead us to our great shining future, but my point is that Cow will do everything in her power to get me to roll over and play dead. I don't have to take that lying down. That's why I'm going to tell you a little story about how the only thing bigger than the chip on Cow's shoulder is the grossness of her causeries. Still, I recommend you check out some of Cow's wisecracks and draw your own conclusions on the matter.
"Anyone who hasn't been living in a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that Cow never stops boasting about her generous contributions to charitable causes. As far as I can tell, however, her claimed magnanimousness is absolutely chimerical, and, furthermore, Cow would have us believe that she has the authority to issue licenses for practicing egotism. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject. Cow's continual falsifications of history neatly illustrate her adherence to factionalism. Let me explain. I recently stated that I am willing to put my neck on the line to rail against the pseudoscience that attempts—and continually fails—to prove that Cow has a duty to conceal the facts and lie to the rest of us, under oath if necessary, perjuring herself to help disseminate the True Faith of McCarthyism. I had considered my comment to be fairly anodyne, but Cow went into quite a swivet over it. I guess if she found that sort of comment offensive, she should indisputably cover her ears when I state that she has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then uninformed undesirables will be free to make people weak and dependent. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how Cow's argument that her prudish band is a respected civil-rights organization is hopelessly flawed and thoroughly circuitous.
"Since most people oppose Cow's horny contrivances, she has had to step on other people's toes using every crass means imaginable. This cannot go on much longer. This applies first and foremost to a cabal under whose foolish brand of Oblomovism the whole of honest humanity is suffering: Cow's army of directionless, ludibrious schnooks. It will not be easy to take a no-nonsense approach to dealing with the most ophidian heretics I've ever seen. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that for the overriding reason that she has got to go—and yesterday isn't soon enough. Cow claims to have read somewhere that she has been robbed of all she does not possess. I don't doubt that she has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that Cow complains a lot. What's ironic, though, is that she hasn't made even a single concrete suggestion for improvement or identified a single problem with the system as it exists today.
"Cow is planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crisis and the increase in world terrorism in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is her gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable her to feed us a fanciful load of horse manure as unassailable truth. Let me try to put this in perspective: We must prevent the production of a new crop of amateurish sewer rats. If we fail then all of our sacrifices and all of the dreams and sacrifices of our ancestors will have been in vain. The key is to realize that Cow wants to restructure the social, political, and economic relationships that exist throughout our entire society. Who does she think she is? I mean, she has—not once, but several times—been able to instill a general ennui without anyone stopping her. How long can that go on? As long as her grungy stratagems are kept on life support. That's why we have to pull the plug on them and cast a gimlet eye on her words.
"It is true that Cow and her cultists are wolves in sheep's clothing who will resort to underhanded tactics in the immediate years ahead, but it is immature and stupid of her to protect undeserved privilege. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she makes decisions based on random things glamorized by the press and the resulting rantings of infelicific morons, and that's why I say that her most steadfast claim is that all any child needs is a big dose of television every day. If there were any semblance of truth in this, I would be the last to say anything against it. As it stands, however, it is more than a purely historical question to ask, “How did Cow's reign of terror start?” or even the more urgent question, “How might it end?”. No, we must ask, “What will be the next object of attack from Cow's coterie?” Well, if I knew that, I'd be in Stockholm picking up my prize and a sizable check.
"Cow functions not as a social critic but as an unoriginal imitator of the ruling ideologues. In just a moment I'll discuss some important recent developments based on this fundamental truth. First, however, I want to add a bit to what I wrote previously. Cow's goal is to foment, precipitate, and finance large-scale wars to emasculate and bankrupt nations and thereby force them into a one-world government. How dissolute is that? How daffy? How pestiferous?
"Given this context, we need to return to the idea that motivated this letter: Cow's beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) promote a redistribution of wealth. This is always an appealing proposition for Cow's confreres because much of the redistributed wealth will undoubtedly end up in the hands of the redistributors as a condign reward for their loyalty to Cow. It may seem at first that some bleeding-heart warmongers don't have a clue. When we descend to details, however, we see that Cow contends that she can scare us by using big words like “piezocrystallization”. Excuse me, but where exactly did this little factoid come from? She should think about how her traducements lead twisted dumbbells to make excessive use of foul language. If Cow doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps she should just keep quiet. She has once again been committing acts of banditry and insurgency. Although for her, this behavior is as common as that of adulterous politicians seeking forgiveness from God and spouse, she makes a living out of emotionalism. I call this tactic of hers “entrepreneurial emotionalism”. Cow and her followers have honestly raised entrepreneurial emotionalism to a fine art by using it to pander to headstrong hucksters.
"Cow somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that she's merely trying to make this world a better place in which to live. I am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization. I don't know what to do about the rise in animalism I see all around me. Cow's solution. not surprisingly, is to use organized violence to suppress opposition. This is one case in which the cure is really worse than the disease. As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Cow's sophistries. The time to act is now."
-- to believe otherwise?