The person who coined the phrase “One Hit Wonder” never came up with another catchphrase

69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

This year I've been walking five miles a day to lose weight, now I just need to figure out how to get home

I was recently fingered for a crime, which seems like a really weird punishment

Parenthood is like debugging code - you never really know what's going to happen until it's too late

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but I am in a pretty cool orchestra

You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling the strings

The worst part of an apple addiction is that you can't see a doctor about it

An invisible man married an invisible woman, and the kids were nothing to look at, either

The word "abbreviation" is a really long one for what it's trying to achieve

She got good looks from her father, who was a plastic surgeon

But words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is

1776: Make America Great Britain again

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they never meet

I knew the psychic was no good when she accepted my check

I memorized six pages of the dictionary, and learned next to nothing

I used to get heartburn every time I ate cake until my doctor told me to take the candles off first

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister

I came home and found that my kids have been on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow, I'll lower the price