Dear suchmoon, does your sarcasm-shilling paid signature also help explain the concept of satire?

“ELI5” time, for those who just—don’t—get it.  I have just declared that Lauda is the Bitcoin Forum’s Joan of Arc.  Also, I am pointing out that the promulgation of baseless anti-Lauda megathreads and rapid-fire smears is an attempt by Quickseller to create the hysterical atmosphere of a witchcraft trial.  He has already affirmatively declared that his so-called “standard of evidence is the same as what is frequently published in the mainstream media” (translation of Quickseller’s “mainstream media”: scandal-sheet tabloids which carry news about Batboy).

(I have previously noted that Quickseller is the Bitcoin Forum’s Iago.  Here, I separately insinuate that he has delusional fantasies of being a Grand Inquisitor.)

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Yes, I am aware that I am here looping together disparate historical events; and Jeanne d’Arc was burnt at the stake on politically motivated trumped-up charges of heresy, not witchcraft.  However:  (0) Nobody cares about history anyway.  (1) It’s called “literary license”.  —  Apropos hereof, the political motivation was that England was “butthurt” by Joan whipping them bloody on the battlefield; sound familiar?

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Edit—P.S., did you seriously think I might claim my behaviour to be controlled by a magical witchcraft spell?  Have I hereto demonstrated any evidence of psychotic delusions?

“Quicksy can’t let it go cuz”:

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Edit—thanks to Tyrantt, I can now properly express what this whole thread is for the forum’s feline Joan of Arc:

Care to explain?  Have I done anything untrustworthy?

Many of you have seen me speaking out in support of Lauda.  I must now purge my soul by coming forward to tell THE TRUTH:  My words and actions were not my own, for Lauda cast a spell on me using dark powers of witchcraft!

Lauda is a WITCH.  This witch must be BURNT AT THE STAKE!  BURN THE WITCH!  BURN!!!11

Hear my testimony, that I may be free of this hell-spawned influence:

As all men, I am fallible unto the sins of pride and vanity.  The secret cabal of BLOCKSTREAM CORE, of which Lauda is a minion, did sense in me this weakness; and they tempted me to attend their wicked rites under the full moon at midnight on 1 February 2018 UTC.  ’Twas a Blue Moon, and suchmoon as I have never seen!

I was stripped naked and bound to a tree.  Dark incantations were chanted, beneath the watchful gaze of a Segregated Witness.  Then stepped forth LAUDA, who invoked an evil name and held to my lips a goblet brimming with the potion of red trust.  Whereupon I became enthralled, a slave unto the whims of this diabolical power known as “Lauda” and by so many other wicked names.

Ever since that moment, I am become possessed by Lauda!

I call on all good people of this forum to cleanse this witch from our midst.

First, Lauda must be made to confess.  The WITCH must be burnt with hot irons, torn on the rack, and subjected to daily smear threads filled with rapid-fire baseless accusations (whereas “a lie a day keeps the cat at bay,” ’tis a quickselling proverb).  It is well-known that at trial for witchcraft, the witch will deny or even refuse to answer to witchcraft charges.  LAUDA MUST BE MADE TO ANSWER!

Then, Lauda must be BURNT AT THE STAKE as scammers filled with impotent lust for revenge Lauda’s VICTIMS watch the flames consume this servant of the devil:


I must thank the noble Quickseller for opening my eyes with his ceaseless inquisitions into Lauda’s evil, and also the valiant OgNasty for his manly courage in standing up to the witch Lauda:


The witch Lauda must be forced to confess, then BURNED!

BURN THE WITCH!

BURN!

Ok.  Blazed = nullius (on the basis of no evidence—just because).  By the transitive property, that also means that Blazed = Lauda, and Blazed = Satoshi.  Also by the transitive property from Lauda, Blazed = aTriz, Blazed = actmyname, Blazed = The Pharmacist, and many others.

You/I/we have so many sockpuppets for the price of one!  Best of all, you/I/we invented Bitcoin.  Happy, now?

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Time permitting, this post may be edited to add amusing links.

Well, proves my point even worse than I expected:  Mr. Nasty will go pick on a woman, because he’s too much of a snivelling poltroon to take a shot at me.  Disgusting.

This is the level of impotent prick who gets the tar beaten out of him by a strip club bouncer after trying to stiff one of the ladies—for either plausible definition of the word “stiff”.

Given that sort of character, it’s no wonder that women must dislike him so much that he feels an urgent need to go around posturing with the stink of desperation to pretend he’s a Real Man.  Protip:  Real Men never do that—except when they’re mocking and quasi-satirizing a wannabe such as Mr. Nasty.

For those who don’t know who Alia is, she’s a 19-year-old camgirl (/u/GirlsGoneBitcoin verified by theymos) who so happens to like me.  (Or per my trust page...)  My first-ever contact with her occured just yesterday, in public.  She has no direct involvement in this matter.  For Mr. Nasty to take a shot at her in lieu of me is the single most contemptible thing I’ve seen today in a thread which is a creepy horror-show of contemptible things.  Though I’d still call him Quickseller’s soul-brother, I’m no longer sure which of them is worse.

I’m happy to help.

As I said in my post, Simplicity is still in the research stages.  I linked to the original Simplicity paper (PDF) in one of my earlier posts in this thread.  Per the whole subject of this thread, doing things right takes time!  A formally verifiable domain-specific language needs serious R&D work.  This is the stuff of heavy-duty computer science; it is not something which can be slapped together overnight.

I think if you read the paper, you’ll be as impressed as I am.

Note that anything in the research stage does not have guaranteed results.  I think the concepts look sound, insofar as I am able to understand.  The hard maths of provable code exceed my own level of education (not only in Simplicity).  Yet if you walk through the paper, I think you’ll find the general shape of Simplicity not difficult to grasp.  It’s called “Simplicity” for a(t least one) good reason:  It’s designed to provide a foundation which will be simple to use for building powerful smart contracts (never mind the R&D to get to that point).  The people working on it do have a track record of delivering results.  I look forward to seeing how this develops.

I noticed!  And I’m not the only one.  Your touch of style even got screenshotted for posterity [NSFW thread]:


P.S., relax—“scooped” in this context means that I was about to—oh no, that red thing you are paid to shill for in your signature will now haunt me forever!

suchmoon, you scooped me—and you did it with /such /signature /style!

Well, that should answer this:


Anyway...


The compliment is mine, Lauda.  Getting accused of being you seems to be a mark of forum greatness which I can’t quite believe I’ve come to merit just from my activities of the past few weeks (!).  More to the point:  I admire and still envy the status you’ve earned through your years of contributions to the forum.  Well, I suppose I ought work harder; and meanwhile, I can console myself with Alia-related matters.

Now, it is difficult to decide what I find most amusing:

• The allegation that I am Satoshi (which I have admitted—with sarcasm; thanks for your sarcasm-shilling, suchmoon!).
• The allegation that I am Lauda.
• The irony that IRL, I am allergic to cats (sorry, Lauda!).
• The fact that as soon as I show up in an Quickseller anti-Lauda thread which was growing at a rate of 15 pages/day, it dies down to a few jokes between people who think that Lauda is the cat’s meow—save for the rare, tentative post by Quickseller or some troll sock, which everybody then laughs at.
• The fact that wannabe tough-guy Mr. Nasty doesn’t dare say boo to me, or even toss at me some stupid graphic-in-lieu-of-an-argument.  I’ve observed that he puts on his mad-dog tough-guy act whenever anyone voices even the smallest criticism of him.  Now, I’ve spent about a full day repeatedly amusing myself by mocking his manhood (or lack thereof).  And he slinks away as a whipped cur!  Typical bully attitude:  Cowardice covered by bluster.

Cheers.

I haven’t (yet?) seen her cam show; so I can’t vouch for the goods there.  But I must say, Alia pretty much got me ready to rip while chatting with me about cryptography.  Ok, chatting about sex and crypto at the same time.  It helps that I’m a hardcore Bitcoiner, but really:  There’s no substitute for a sexy attitude.  This girl’s got that; and in my experience, those who have that will usually have moves to match.

So, sure:  You could grab a cheap blow job off the street, or just DIY for free.  But if you want something hotter—well, I guess then you’ll get what you pay for.

That time I became the first and only forum member to get +50 for an insult, as a shriek from the target of the insult, it happened when I coolly explained that he must be stupid or crazy.  Do you think lightning would strike the same place twice for a +50 boost, if I point out that what Quickseller said marks him as both stupid and crazy?

(Attention—Lauda, actmyname, et al.:  That was sarcasm!  Please don’t red-tag me for farming merit from Quickseller by pointing out that he is both retarded and psychotic!  Please!!)

You forgot the aliens.  Shape-shifting aliens.

In other news, a small piece of this thread now belongs to me.  I now stand accused of being both Lauda and Satoshi.  No, really.  Satirists, give up—life beats you every time, and I speak from considerable experience.  (Archive)

So sorry to have fallen behind on this thread.  I’ve been too busy getting publicly cyber-laid [NSFW] with the forum’s hottest Bitcoin camgirl.

Impotent morons who have nothing better to do than to obsessively post net.lies will need to wait.  If there’s anything left of them after Lauda does that Lauda thing I so admire, then I’ll stop by to laugh at the pathetic wretches when I’m not so busy.

P.S., yes, I am Satoshi.  Is the matter now settled?

Well, that’s not a metaphor for a spanking.  That speaks to cattle prod territory.

Go ahead with your questions.  I am waiting—I have myself in hand waiting, so to speak.  No, hold up:  One more thing first.  Take your fingers out of yourself, and suck on them for a moment.  Then put them back, describe to me how they tasted—and then ask your cryptography questions.

Alia, I certainly don’t mind talking to you about this, if you want; but also, I’m not trying to debate you (as would many people who disapprove of drugs).  I want to make that clear.

I wanted to provide you some food for thought.  You’ve probably only heard arguments from two sides:  The “drugs are better than orgasms” side, and what I will too generously and much too mercifully call the anti-fun side.  I infer this, because I’ve been there, too, when I was your age.  (I won’t disclose my age, due to pseudonymity; but I’ve already much discussed cryptographic cypherpunk stuff I did in the 90s, so...)  Well, I don’t presume too much when I posit that I think differently than anyone you ever met.

By analogy:  The very first time I ever used what people call a “bad word” on this forum was in our ciphersex thread.  There, I use such words anatomically and literally—not cursing anyone out, but quite to the contrary.  Whereas if you’ve checked my post history or followed some of the links in my initial letter to you, then you know that with my pen as my sword, I can casually whip out an insult which I don’t doubt leaves its recipient boiling over with humiliated, impotent rage.  Most people just say, “f— you!!!”, which is dishwater-weak by comparison.  When I tell you, Alia, that I am going to fuck you—well, that’s quite a different matter, now isn’t it.

Both on the drug issue and quite generally, I can suggest to you ways of looking at things which you’ve never heard anywhere else.  Let me know if you want to chat.

In brief, I should add:  I obviously like to have fun—and I don’t give a damn about what others think of me, other than those few who earn my respect.  Yet I myself have observed that the best “better than orgasm” pleasure available in this world is to create something, and be successful at it.  Whether it’s a piece of Bitcoin software, or for that matter—babies.  N.b., I could help you with both.

Cheers.

I do believe that you would be thrilled to chat about cryptography whilst I fuck you so hard, you nearly pass out when you cum.

(Did I say “nearly”?  My mistake.)

If I’m right—and I know I am—then I want you to tell your adoring audience how right I am.  Do this by slipping two fingers inside yourself, exactly where you most yearn for me, and then using your other hand to tap out an intelligent question following on one of my above crypto explanations.

Don’t be embarrassed about being a beginner.  We all were, at some point.  (I know you won’t be embarrassed to have everybody watch you masturbate while stammering out applied cryptography questions to me, and listening to the answers.  I know that only augments the thrill for you!)

Spread ’em, and I’ll kiss your law right now.  I know that’s the code which rules you—Alia.

Well, fair’s fair.  You’re doing the same to me.

I suggest a solution—old joke, not my original:  Let’s add you plus me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.