Make me laugh for a bitcent

[#Darren]

A young man who worked at a driving range picked up a couple dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

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[Gimpeline]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and
drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little
*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!

[deepceleron]

A bereft man asked his clergyman, "Pastor, my beloved dog recently died. Could there be a service for the poor creature?"

The Pastor replied, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in this church."

"But there is a new church down the road, surely they will do something for the sweet animal...for a donation of 100 bitcoins..."

The Pastor ejaculated, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian??"

[captainsik]

How much is a bitcent, can I get a bytecent 






P.S. jk

[Hyperjacked]

Sorry if this isnt appropriate... new here

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Anyone remember this....? Rotflmao!

[louise123]

Its a kinda of joke OP then hahahahaha
Here is the joke.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

[the joint]

I date women with too much baggage. Once, I knew a girl with so many bags that I went to help carry one of them, and she was inside.

[planetroving]

I find this really funny. You might too!

[wiesen]

A blind man was about to cross the road. At that time, his guide dog peed on his leg. The blind man reached into his pocket and pulled out the dog food. A passerby, who saw it all, said, "You are very tolerant, after all this, you give a dog food." "No," replied the blind - I just want to know where her mouth so I could kick her ass!"

[Elwar]

A Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers and says:

"I'll have five beers please."

[louise123]

Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza laugh at your funny and unique and weird and amazing and unacceptable username
LOL

[gogxmagog]

no need for tips just check this one i heard;

2 Dogs on coffee break

  Dog 1: Heard a great joke.

  Dog 2: Oh yeah?

  Dog 1: Knock kn-

  Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts

courtesy of BianDoyle @WritePlay

[Vod]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian saw me and kicked me out.  

[wiesen]

The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and cried:
"If you don't stop to play this eerie saxophone, I'll go crazy".
"I'm afraid too late," the man answered. "I stopped playing an hour ago."

[Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza]

Hey guys, thanks for the more recent jokes! Unfortunately, I'm no longer paying out in this thread. I made this in 2011, haha.

Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza laugh at your funny and unique and weird and amazing and unacceptable username
LOL

Lol

[the joint]

who says my pic doesnt deserve bitcent pays 0,01 BTC!

Breakfast?

[Bitdonator]

How to hide money from your wife ?

















Use Bitcoin  

[ranlo]

Winning a joke contest is harder than a priest on a playground...

[brach]

Give me all your bitcoins il refund you in 1 week i PROMISE 

[LiteCoinGuy]

Give me all your bitcoins il refund you in 1 week i PROMISE  

you have to pay a bitcent because of that "joke".