#Darren
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Activity: 784
Merit: 250
DIA | Data infrastructure for DeFi
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March 31, 2013, 07:36:03 PM |
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A young man who worked at a driving range picked up a couple dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?" 1PZnh9xRt4ajDGsXggeyV1N76URKXqLEqB
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Gimpeline
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March 31, 2013, 08:27:14 PM |
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. All done!
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deepceleron
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Activity: 1512
Merit: 1036
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April 02, 2013, 02:52:54 PM |
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A bereft man asked his clergyman, "Pastor, my beloved dog recently died. Could there be a service for the poor creature?"
The Pastor replied, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in this church."
"But there is a new church down the road, surely they will do something for the sweet animal...for a donation of 100 bitcoins..."
The Pastor ejaculated, "Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian??"
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captainsik
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Activity: 9
Merit: 0
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April 02, 2013, 03:19:08 PM |
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How much is a bitcent, can I get a bytecent P.S. jk
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Hyperjacked
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Activity: 1610
Merit: 1119
It's all mathematics...!
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April 17, 2015, 04:55:04 PM |
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Sorry if this isnt appropriate... new here 176Gj44tmT8VGqZejBHEWZWLcvDo4vyob4 Anyone remember this....? Rotflmao!
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@Hyperjacked1 Twitter
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louise123
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April 19, 2015, 12:30:08 PM |
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Its a kinda of joke OP then hahahahaha Here is the joke. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
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the joint
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Activity: 1834
Merit: 1020
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April 22, 2015, 03:13:47 AM |
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I date women with too much baggage. Once, I knew a girl with so many bags that I went to help carry one of them, and she was inside.
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planetroving
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Activity: 2170
Merit: 1000
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April 23, 2015, 10:06:21 AM |
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I find this really funny. You might too!
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wiesen
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Activity: 896
Merit: 1000
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April 23, 2015, 11:47:42 AM |
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A blind man was about to cross the road. At that time, his guide dog peed on his leg. The blind man reached into his pocket and pulled out the dog food. A passerby, who saw it all, said, "You are very tolerant, after all this, you give a dog food." "No," replied the blind - I just want to know where her mouth so I could kick her ass!"
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Elwar
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Activity: 3598
Merit: 2386
Viva Ut Vivas
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April 23, 2015, 12:29:15 PM |
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A Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers and says:
"I'll have five beers please."
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First seastead company actually selling sea homes: Ocean Builders https://ocean.builders Of course we accept bitcoin.
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louise123
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April 24, 2015, 08:37:20 AM |
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Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza laugh at your funny and unique and weird and amazing and unacceptable username LOL
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gogxmagog
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Activity: 1456
Merit: 1010
Ad maiora!
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April 25, 2015, 03:28:00 AM |
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no need for tips just check this one i heard;
2 Dogs on coffee break
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts
courtesy of BianDoyle @WritePlay
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Vod
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Activity: 3836
Merit: 3122
Licking my boob since 1970
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April 25, 2015, 03:28:55 AM |
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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.Then the librarian saw me and kicked me out.
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https://nastyscam.com - featuring 13 years of OGNasty bitcoin scams https://vod.fan - fast/free image sharing - cleaning it up! (240905) Will Theymos finish his $100,000,000 forum before this one shuts down?
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wiesen
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Activity: 896
Merit: 1000
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April 28, 2015, 10:24:42 PM |
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The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and cried: "If you don't stop to play this eerie saxophone, I'll go crazy". "I'm afraid too late," the man answered. "I stopped playing an hour ago."
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Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza (OP)
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Activity: 882
Merit: 1001
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June 28, 2015, 05:30:14 PM |
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Hey guys, thanks for the more recent jokes! Unfortunately, I'm no longer paying out in this thread. I made this in 2011, haha. Ryland R. Taylor-Almanza laugh at your funny and unique and weird and amazing and unacceptable username LOL
Lol
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.BITSLER. | ▄███ ▄████▀ ▄████▀ ▄████▀ ▄██▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▄████▄ ▄████▄ ▀████▄ █████ ██████ ██████ █████ ▀████▄ ▀████▀ ▀████▀ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄ ▄████▀ ▀████▄▄████▀ ▀██████▀ ▀▀▀▀ | | ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▄ ▄▄▄▄▀▀▀▀ ▄▄█▄▄ ▀▀▄ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▄ █ ▀▄▄ ▀█▀▀ ▄ ▀████ ▀▀▄ █ █▄ ▀▄ ▀████ ▀▀ ▄██▄ ▀▀▄ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ █ ▀▀ ▀▄▄ ▀████ ▄▄▄▀▀▀ █ █ ▄ ▀▄ ▄▄▄▀▀▀ ▄▄ █ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ █ ▄▄ ███ ▀██ █ ▀▀ █ █ ███ ▀██ █ ▄▄ █ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ ▀▄ █ ▀▀ █ ▀▀▄ ███▄ █ ▄▄ █ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ ▀▀▄ █ ▀▀▄▄▄▀▀▀ ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄█▄▄▀▀▀▀ | | | | ▄▄▄██████▄▄▄ ▄▄████████████████▄▄ ▄██████▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀██████▄ ▄ ▄█████▀ ▀█████▄ ██▄▄ █████▀ ▄ ▀█████ ████████ ▄██ █████ ████████▄ ███▀ ████▄ █████████▀▀ ▄███▀ █████ █▀▀▀ █████ █████ ▄▄▄ ████ █████ █████ ▀▀ ████▀ █████ █████ █████▄ ▄█████ ▀█████▄ ▄█████▀ ▀██████▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄██████▀ ▀▀████████████████▀▀ ▀▀▀██████▀▀▀ | | | | ▄▄▄███████▄▄▄ ▄█▀▀▀ ▄▄▄▄▄▄▄ ▀▀▀█▄ █▀▀ ▄█████████████▄ ▀▀█ █▀▀ ███████████████████ ▀▀█ █▀ ███████████████████████ ▀█ █▀ ███████████████▀▀ ███████ ▀█ ▄█▀ ██████████████▀ ▀█████ ▀█▄ ███ ███████████▀▀ ▀▀██ ███ ███ ███████▀▀ ███ ███ ▀▀▀▀ ███ ▀██▄ ▄██▀ ▀█▄ ▀▀ █▄ █▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄█ █▄ ▀█████████▀ ▀█▄ ▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ ▀▀█▄▄ ▄▄▄ ▀▀█████ | | | [ | | ] |
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the joint
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Activity: 1834
Merit: 1020
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June 30, 2015, 12:04:45 AM |
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who says my pic doesnt deserve bitcent pays 0,01 BTC! Breakfast?
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Bitdonator
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Activity: 1223
Merit: 1002
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July 01, 2015, 07:06:41 AM |
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How to hide money from your wife ? Use Bitcoin
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ranlo
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Activity: 1988
Merit: 1007
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July 01, 2015, 08:28:42 AM |
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Winning a joke contest is harder than a priest on a playground...
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brach
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Activity: 14
Merit: 0
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July 01, 2015, 01:44:50 PM |
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Give me all your bitcoins il refund you in 1 week i PROMISE
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LiteCoinGuy
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Activity: 1148
Merit: 1014
In Satoshi I Trust
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July 01, 2015, 03:50:58 PM |
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Give me all your bitcoins il refund you in 1 week i PROMISE you have to pay a bitcent because of that "joke".
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