Tell us a joke....

[moug]

What’s the difference between a television
and a pregnant girlfriend?
If you put a coat hanger inside your
pregnant girlfriend you don’t get a
very good reception.

[moug]

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is
pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height
and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”

“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in one.

“Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

[Omikifuse]

A journalist interviewed a known robber.

- What is your biggest dream?

- To rob the bank and leave fingerprints of my mother in law.

[moug]

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has
never slept with a woman before.
She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback.

They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married.
On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in
the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into
one corner.

“What happened?” she asks. “I have never been with a woman,” he says,
“but if it’s anything like a kangaroo,
I’m going to need all the room I can get.”

---
A Muslim was sitting next to an Aussie on a flight from Singapore bound for
Sydney, Australia. When the plane was airborne, the stewardesses took orders for
drinks.
The Aussie said: “I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks, please.” The drink was
brought and placed before him. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a
drink.
He replied: “I would rather be raped by a dozen infidel whores and have my head
stuffed up a sheep’s arsehole than let alcohol
touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, “Sorry, darling, I
didn’t realize there was a choice.”

---
A lion, a tiger and a chicken were sitting around discussing who was the toughest.
The tiger said, “I’m the toughest sonofabitch in the animal kingdom.
When I roar, all of the animals run and hide.”
The lion said, “No, I’m the hardest motherfucker in the animal kingdom.
When I roar, all the animals quake with fear.”

The chicken said quietly, “Sorry guys, but I’m the toughest. When I sneeze, the
whole world shits itself.”

[moug]

A little old woman walked into the Bank of Scotland carrying a large bag full of money.
She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because,
“It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided
to humour her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager
asked her how much she would like to deposit.

To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of
her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
“Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling?
What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so,
that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager.
“I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may
I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about
the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her
lawyer at the bank manager’s office.
She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says
the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the
old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said
the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely
certain.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would
have the Bank of Scotland’s manager’s balls in my hand.”

[Karpeles]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[Gleb Gamow]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Jonah Cardeli Falcon was trying to set up a new password for his computer. Jonah typed in "Mypenis", whereupon prior to the computer crashing, the screen flashed, "Too long!"

[mrebum]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

[Gleb Gamow]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

Did you hear about the original goat herder who had a eureka moment?



To this day, ALL goat herders are the happiest people on Earth.

[lottery248]

something splooshed from the book while reading.
(SFW in the NSFW, taken down if breaking the rule)

[wlefever]

Barrack Obama

[Kanapka]

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

[Syrio Forel]

BEFORE THE LAW stands a doorkeeper on guard. To this doorkeeper there comes a man from the country and prays for admittance to the Law. But the doorkeeper says that he cannot grant admittance at the moment. The man thinks it over and then asks if he will be allowed in later. "It is possible," says the doorkeeper, "but not at the moment." Since the gate stands open, as usual, and the doorkeeper steps to one side, the man stoops to peer through the gateway into the interior. Observing that, the doorkeeper laughs and says: "If you are so drawn to it, just try to go in despite my veto. But take note: I am powerful. And I am only the least of the doorkeepers. From hall to hall there is one doorkeeper after another, each more powerful than the last. The third doorkeeper is already so terrible that even I cannot bear to look at him." These are difficulties the man from the country has not expected; the Law, he thinks, should surely be accessible at all times and to everyone, but as he now takes a closer look at the doorkeeper in his fur coat, with his big sharp nose and long, thin, black Tartar beard, he decides that it is better to wait until he gets permission to enter. The doorkeeper gives him a stool and lets him sit down at one side of the door. There he sits for days and years. He makes many attempts to be admitted, and wearies the doorkeeper by his importunity. The doorkeeper frequently has little interviews with him, asking him questions about his home and many other things, but the questions are put indifferently, as great lords put them, and always finish with the statement that he cannot be let in yet. The man, who has furnished himself with many things for his journey, sacrifices all he has, however valuable, to bribe the doorkeeper. The doorkeeper accepts everything, but always with the remark: "I am only taking it to keep you from thinking you have omitted anything." During these many years the man fixes his attention almost continuously on the doorkeeper. He forgets the other doorkeepers, and this first one seems to him the sole obstacle preventing access to the Law. He curses his bad luck, in his early years boldly and loudly; later, as he grows old, he only grumbles to himself. He becomes childish, and since in his yearlong contemplation of the doorkeeper he has come to know even the fleas in his fur collar, he begs the fleas as well to help him and to change the doorkeeper's mind. At length his eyesight begins to fail, and he does not know whether the world is really darker or whether his eyes are only deceiving him. Yet in his darkness, he is now aware of a radiance that streams inextinguishably from the gateway of the Law. Now he has not very long to live. Before he dies, all his experiences in these long years gather themselves in his head to one point, a question he has not yet asked the doorkeeper. He waves him nearer, since he can no longer raise his stiffening body. The doorkeeper has to bend low towards him, for the difference in height between them has altered much to the man's disadvantage. "What do you want to know now?" asks the doorkeeper; "you are insatiable." "Everyone strives to reach the Law," says the man, "so how does it happen that for all these many years no one but myself has ever begged for admittance?" The doorkeeper recognizes that the man has reached his end, and to let his failing senses catch the words, roars in his ear: "No one else could ever be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you. I am now going to shut it."

[Gleb Gamow]

^^^Metaphor or allegory?

[st4nl3y]

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

[GotaPauj]

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

[Gleb Gamow]

Mark Karpeles and two other Mt Gox employees leave a bar after a night out drinking. Mark turns to Gay on his left and asked, "Did you just piss on me?" Gay adamantly denies that he had. Mark then turns to the guy on his right and asked, "Did you just piss on me?" This guy, too, adamantly denies that he had. Upon searching for any malleabilities, all three came to the conclusion that it must be an inside job.

[romano1]

Two women were sitting quite 

[QuestionAuthority]

Two women were sitting quite 

Quiet

[Gleb Gamow]

Two women were sitting quite 

Quiet

There you go again, ruining everything! Here's the NSFW image via Google for two women sitting quite: https://a2-images.myspacecdn.com/images03/28/6ed5644df6974f1c8324ee2f8ffd4964/300x300.jpg NSFW.

The following is an image of two women sitting quietly... till one piped up...


"Remember when we used to play Ouija?"