Tell us a joke....

[PrikiNo.1]

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

The Impatient Flea

Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and …

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[dragansk1]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, - Dad how many kinds of boobs are there?. The father surprised, answers, - Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. - Onions? the son asks. -Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks - Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says - Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree. -A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. - Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration. 

[bojan92]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[l8nit3]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[StreamLive]

How did the bitcoiner get on the sex offenders registry?
He touched a miner.

[bojan92]

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."


DISARMING THE GUARD
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway."

[jaberwock]

Two hams were baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says:

- It's hot in here.

The other ham replies:

- Wow! A talking ham!

[Nauro]

One day a policeman asked a person : where are you going with having proper lights in your car ?
person : there is so much light on streets , why need light in my car ?
policeman : punctures his wheels and says , when there is so much air in atmosphere why u need some in tyres ?

[VPScreator]

bitcointalk banned signature earnings haha lolz

[Vod]

[bojan92]

If I ever have to get another job, and I know I have to get fired that day, that day I'm going to go to work with a pocketful of glitter. And when my boss fires me, I'm going to be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Glitter?' And I'm going to throw it right in his face because you ever try to get glitter off before?

My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call from Hugh Broke. Minute later, my phone rings: 'We have a person-to-person call for Mr. Hugh Broke from Mr. Rob Bank.'

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let's get busy.”
She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.”
Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.”
The husband replied, “Let the spirit f**k you. I just jacked off”

The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.

[Vod]

If I ever have to get another job, and I know I have to get fired that day, that day I'm going to go to work with a pocketful of glitter. And when my boss fires me, I'm going to be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Glitter?' And I'm going to throw it right in his face because you ever try to get glitter off before?

Then you get tackled to the ground and charged with assault.  Not worth it.  Peace.  Ramen.

[rigel]

DISARMING THE GUARD
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway."

One thief in a bank simply means the director is at work.
You should have said: another thief enters the bank.

[TrueHari]

i am satoshi, lolll

[PrikiNo.1]

Missing Dog
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing…

A Guy Walks Into…
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

[Munouhapi]

you are a joke

[bojan92]

There was an English man, and Irish man and a German man on a plane. There is too much cabin pressure, so the captain comes up to the English man and says: YOU, DROP AN ITEM. He chose a stone. There is still too much cabin pressure, so he parachutes out. When he lands, a man is crying. He asks the man what is wrong. The man says : WELL, I WAS OUT HERE POLISHING MY JAG, AND THIS STONE CAME FROM THE SKY AND DENTED THE BONNET.Back up on the plane, the Irish man drops an item. He drops a knife. He too has to parachute out. When he lands, a woman is crying. The woman tells him : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, AND THIS KNIFE FELL FROM THE SKY AND CUT MY PRIZE MELON IN HALF. Back up on the plane, the German drops an item. He drops a bomb. He too parachutes to the ground, but to the sound of utter laughter. He says : WHATS SO FUNNY?. man says : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, I FARTED AND NEXT DOORS HOUSE BLEW UP!

[PrikiNo.1]

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no …

So a Dog Walks Into…

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A Pig Walks Into a Bar…

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

What Cats Want

Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.

Going to the Dogs

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap…

[bojan92]

A death in the family
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Engineering in hell
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Lesson learned
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

[Omikifuse]

What is the only type of band which can't play music?

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A rubber band.