Tell us a joke....

[tommypug]

50 Terrible, Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand


1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

[PrikiNo.1]

Millions of Years Ago
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

Surprise      
The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.

"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife’s response: "Who?"

A Camel's Life
Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”

Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."

The Clothes Make The Cat
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

Big Litter
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”

[bojan92]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

[PrikiNo.1]

Monkey Business      
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Would you?"

Going to the Zoo      
A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies."

Learning Tricks      
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."

Beware of Dog
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."

Cow Who?
Knock! Knock!Who’s there?CowCow who?Cow’s don’t "who" they "MOO"

[PrikiNo.1]

Save the Polar Bears      
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."

Fate      
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Feline Friendly      
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”

Misery Loves Company      
A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."

[Quickscammer]

Doctor help me, I've got wind.

The doctor replied:

- Here's a kite.

[dragansk1]

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims: So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba! :DDDDD

[Omikifuse]

My friend once bet me that I could not build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

[jacklito]

Q: What can I do to make my Bitcoin miner faster?

A: Just throw it out the window, now its moving faster then ever.

[Gleb Gamow]

My friend once bet me that I could not build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

Was she shell-shocked scratchin' her noodle when you put the Linguine in overdrive?

[bojan92]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[kevin go]

A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Las Vegas.
 “Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one.
 “I should be!” replied the other.
 “I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?
 in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!


hahaha...i hope its funny

[Windpower]

you're mum lol.

[PrikiNo.1]

Uninsured      
This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: "Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance."

Cold Water Washing      
John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John’s grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"
For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don’t want to hear any more about it!"
Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car."
The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"

Doggy Love      
Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in.
He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together.
Watching this display, my friend couldn’t resist: "You always herd the ones you love."

Doggie Bowl      
I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband’s inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."

Bird Lover      
Coincidences were flying when a man was arrested and charged with stealing a bird feeder from Cornell University’s ornithology laboratory. According to the Associated Press, police charged James Buzzard, 44, who lives on Cardinal Drive in Ithaca, N.Y., with stealing the feeder from the lab on Sapsucker Woods Road.

[parrotlet]

Freddy the dog's tail fell off. Where did his mother tell him to go to get a new one?











The retail store.

[dragansk1]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

[NETFix]

There was 1 , 2 , 3 

[bojan92]

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

[PrikiNo.1]

Visitation Rights      
My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were very fond.
My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.
The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"
The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."
"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."

Changing Species      
A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."
"You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest."
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.
"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he’s an alligator."

Clever Names      
“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son.
“Bob,” he said.
“And your cat?”
“Bob.”
“How do you keep them straight?”
“Well one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.
“Tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested. The kid smiled and said, “Dennis Hopper.”

[Omikifuse]

There was once a constipated mathematician.


He worked out the problem with a pencil. A number two pencil.